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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

999 replies

NooNooHead · 22/09/2019 20:25

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

OP posts:

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 08:13

*If they sell the car all will be well
*
The car is actually very significant. Because it means there's enough income to have bought it or taken it on finance.

We don't know if it's a 14k 2011 3 series though or a 68 plate M5 at 65k (or 90 if bought new ...).

Probably safe to say, though, that it's at least 25k and could represent at least 300 a month. Enough for a baby.

It's obviously about choice - he wants his life as it is, and his car. Tbh no we can't say selling the car is the answer, but as a rough gauge he looks to prefer car over baby. As he already has two babies.

MN often works on the perfect scenario as baseline. Here I guess that might be a husband who says omg how exciting we are having another baby! Don't worry, honey - we'll manage! I can take on more work and even sell the car, if it comes to it. It'll be fine. We'll make it work. (Cue gives her a big warm hug and pops off to make her some organic chamomile tea with the water at just the right temp).

He's not that person, she NooNoo has to work with what she's got.

pusspuss9 · 10/10/2019 08:26

He's 50 years old for God's sake. He DOESN'T want another baby!

TequilaPilates · 10/10/2019 08:30

If you've got a car on a lease agreement how can you sell it? Maybe he would have to pay out the full value of the car back to the finance company, whilst getting a lot less than that value by selling it.

Honestly, it's not an investment is it? A car drpreciates but if you borrow £20,000 to buy it then that's what you have to repay, even if you only sell it for £10,000 so I don't think you can simply say "sell the car and there's £300 a month saved".

What if he has to pay the balance before he can sell the car? How much will he need to find to do that?

How about op goes to work and earns £300 a month? Why isn't that being suggested?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/10/2019 08:31

You can't just sell the car. Either there could be a massive penalty, do they have that?
The car would've depreciated In value. So would they even make enough to cover the cost?
As you said MN always tries to make things looks piss easy that aren't possible.

DragonMamma · 10/10/2019 08:40

@TequilaPilates @Contraceptionismyfriend

I agree with this re the car finance. I’ve never known a PCP agreement where you can ‘sell’ the car (you don’t own it for one) or just give it back because you can’t afford it anymore

mankyfourthtoe · 10/10/2019 08:41

I'm disabled, not working although we make ends meet. My husband is in his 50s too.
If by chance I got pregnant, I would have an abortion as I know he wouldn't want another, that our family is done and we genuinely couldn't afford it.
However, I know I would be sad about it, would think about it often. I bet there's very few women, even those who were certain, who aren't sad about it. I think you're waiting for this feeling of certain decision whereas I see it as a weighing scale.
But if we didn't make ends meet on our own then it would be a no.
And either way you should be aware of your finances.

Ginger1982 · 10/10/2019 09:06

As I said before @Oliversmumsarmy you are massively projecting your own experiences with your parents into this situation. You have absolutely no idea about Noo's parents motives.

lilybetsy · 10/10/2019 09:11

you want to have the baby. Just own it You want another child and you are pregnant. That's it. Right now you don't care much about the consequence to anyone else because you want another child. That's ok, many of us have been there. But for fucks sake own it. You DH doesn't want another child, he really doesn't just as much as you do. and he doesn't care much about how that affects anyone else. Stop pretending. Have it out like adults. Discuss it and be honest.

Sofasurfer101 · 10/10/2019 09:13

Pusspuss9 - he should have thought about that before he got her pregnant!!!
He chose to not get the snip- he chose she get abortion, because he didnt protect her. If you dont want another child, you really have other options, other than "well i dont want it, make it go away"!! And yes this is a 50 year old. I would be mortified if i was him. Selfish bastard..

pusspuss9 · 10/10/2019 09:19

You DH doesn't want another child, he really doesn't just as much as you do. and he doesn't care much about how that affects anyone else.

How do you know? I'm guessing he's worried sick about the affect another baby will have on his existing two little children. He's probably well aware of the fragile state of the op's mental health and of her expectance of further help and assistance from her parents should she go ahead with bringing another baby into the household. He's probably doing a lot of thinking ahead which seems to be totally absent from OP's calculations.

pusspuss9 · 10/10/2019 09:21

Pusspuss9 - he should have thought about that before he got her pregnant!!!

OP says right at the beginning that she was well aware that this was not the right time of the month to be having sex. She is at fault here as much as he.

pusspuss9 · 10/10/2019 09:24

@Sofasurfer101

do you see any responsibility on her part for having unprotected sex at a fertile part of the month or is she innocent and he the selfish bastard you claim him to be?

lilybetsy · 10/10/2019 09:34

@pusspuss. Yes sorry that is what I meant. His thinking is not about just the OP, but about the effect on all the family / finances etc. he doesn't want a child (for all those reasons) as much as she does want t have the child.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 10/10/2019 09:37

Does anyone genuinely think the OP is undecided? She knows what she's going to do.

OP, I think you are keeping up this pretence of indecision because it allows you, whatever happens, to blame the consequences on someone else. If you terminate, it's because your H and parents made you do it and you can punish them by becoming unable to function. If you keep it, it can be because you couldn't decide under such pressure and oh dear now it's too late and your parents will have to help because otherwise the children suffer. If there are unpleasant financial consequences of this baby, well, your husband didn't tell you ie lay it out in tiny words, so how could you possibly have known?

It's past time to grow up. It seems like your parents may unwittingly have infantilised you when you were growing up and then your injury has exacerbated that, but you yourself seem to have very willingly accepted the role of "sick helpless one", which allows you to evade responsibility and still have back channels to assert yourself and manipulate others.

Enough of that though. You're an adult, you're a parent, you are apparently quite capable of looking after your children and making decisions. You need to extricate yourself from this dysfunctional pattern.

Somerville · 10/10/2019 09:45

This combative approach to a relationships thread isn’t right. OP has been clear, right from the title, that she feels pressured into an abortion she doesn’t want. Since then she has been harangued by a succession of posters who have accused her of selfishness and weakness. Some to the point of breaking talk guidelines.

I agree with a woman’s right to choose, not in forced abortion. Since OP doesn’t want an abortion no one should be forcing her into one (and it wouldn’t be legal for a doctor to perform one under that circumstance).

OP it’s impossible to tell from this whether your marriage is financially abusive, or the scarce funds are the knock on effect of your ill health, or a combination of those factors. What I do know is that if everyone only went ahead with a pregnancy based on entirely rational grounds and in full knowledge of a lasting marriage, wider family support and healthy financial future in any circumstances then the human race would have died out.

for you OP.

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 09:48

Somerville yes 🙏

LadyCarolinePooterVonThigh · 10/10/2019 09:50

People fuck up all the time. A little kindness doesn't come amiss.

Original poster

NooNooHead · 10/10/2019 09:52

Yes, I agree - to an extent, I have been unwittingly infantalised by my parents growing up. I honestly think that it was the combination of the prematurity and adoption combined with their desire to have a child so desperately that they subconsciously needed to be overly protective. No, I am not saying this in a 'I am a victim' way. I am owning this fact and acknowledging this is who I am and how things are.

Of course I can be pretty immature in this 'role'. Yes, maybe I have been so used to being in this 'role' that it is who I actually only believe I am capable of being. In reality I know that I could step up if I had to, but the roles of my DH and DP have been like this for so long that is the 'way things are' in my mind (and quite possibly theirs)

This doesn't excuse the way things are or how i should be responding to the situation. Of course it doesn't.

So now it is time for me to stop being so submissive, immature, insecure- whatever adjective you want to insert here.

I did own my decision and told my husband a few days ago that I didn't think I could go through with the abortion and that we could look at how we could make this work. When I told him about the scan and the possibility of a photo, his response made me realise he wasn't going to change his mind.

OP posts:

DragonMamma · 10/10/2019 09:54

@ CmdrCressidaDuck
I think you have it spot on. I think the most telling statement of this entire thread has been the one recently about how the family will cope when the OP inevitably goes under after a termination. I think if she did have one (which she won’t) then she would do precisely naff all to try and function afterwards, preferring to succumb to her prophecy.

Original poster

NooNooHead · 10/10/2019 09:55

I honestly think I have never knowingly manipulated anyone. Not consciously in a horrible way.

OP posts:

Somerville · 10/10/2019 09:56

OP, love, ignore the goadyness. Some posters are bang out of order - and well outside talk guidelines. (Hopefully HQ will be along shortly with a remind of the rules and deleting the personal attacks.)

Somerville · 10/10/2019 09:58

How have you left it with your husband? You don’t want an abortion and legally that means you won’t get one. He can’t force it on you. Has he accepted that?

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 10/10/2019 09:59

Hi all,

Can we have a bit of peace and love, please?

bibliomania · 10/10/2019 10:00

Hi OP,

I'm firmly in the "own the decision" camp, whichever way that decision goes. I don't think this is a right or wrong decision here, but I think there is a right and wrong way of decision-making.

Okay, that's a step forward, but it's only part-ownership, so to speak. Ownership isn't "I'm doing this and we/you must find a way to make it work", it's "I have identified a way to make it work, and this can be done without you if necessary".

Somerville · 10/10/2019 10:02

Thanks Lily

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