Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

You sound very immature and not able to stand on your own feet. I think your family have a point with this unplanned pregnancy. A lot of the pressure clearly lands at their feet already and you have put them in this terrible position of taking on more of your problems, financially and emotionally or being hard line and insisting on an abortion. I'm sure they are as unhappy as you are at the prospect of an abortion but even unhappier at further cost and pressure on them. It does seem the least damaging option.

Years ago I got pregnant by my then bf and he pressurised me into an abortion. I still resent that but I know it was the right decision, because we were neither of us able to bring up a child. We both finished uni and got good jobs, none of which would have been possible for me without massive struggle as I had no close family support. Because I had the education I've been able to give my children a good home and comfortable lifestyle which wouldn't have happened had I dropped out as a single parent and been housed in some hostel.

Your parents are right about looking at the bigger picture. My bf did me a favour and he was right, however I still have moments of regret at that lost baby. I needed a surgical termination, so more traumatic than the medical one you can have now.

Reading the thread title and initial post I was outraged on your behalf OP but once I found out that your family support you financially and more I think I agree with them
I’m sorry and I know it’s your body and your decision but it does sound like having another child would have a negative impact on a lot of people around you. If you think your mental health couldn’t cope with a termination then that’s one thing but if it’s you suffering vs your whole family suffering then you need to seriously consider it
What if your parents say that they won’t give you any more money? Then what? How will you feed everyone?

This is very difficult but when you and your husband can't even feed the children you have, and need to live off your parents, and your husband desperately doesn't wish another child, then I do see where your parents are coming from.

I do think you need to get yourself financially independent before you contemplate a third, I'm sorry.

Ultimately PP who stated it’s your body, your choice are absolutely right. However, you need to take responsibility for that choice. You already have two children you (and your husband) aren’t taking financial responsibility for. If you proceed with the pregnancy, it is only fair to your parents that you and your husband figure out a way to take financial responsibility for all three children and have a plan in place in the event your mental health is adversely affected.

This is your body, not your mums, not your partners, not your childrens. The only right decision is the one that you feel is the best.

Absolutely but if she proceeds she needs to not then expect her mum to look after that child for her financially and physically, that's unbelievably unfair

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. FWIW you sound very level headed and realistic about your options. It’s a very hard decision to make when your heart is crying out for one thing but you know the reality of that situation would have huge consequences for everyone else in your life, as well as you. It’s not easy to make the smart, logical choice in this situation but I think this time you have to, and I think you truly know that.

I also think your family sound (rightfully) very worried about you and their harsh approach is the only way they know to get you to make the decision you need to make. I think it’s called tough love. It’s not easy to hear but sometimes it’s what saves you.

YellowWallpaper I had a good career in publishing, have a degree and bought my flat when I was 26 so I am not quite as immature as you make out. It is only in the past 4 years after a lot of health problems have I been more reliant on others. Recovering from a head injury and post concussion syndrome was very hard and it gave me a mental breakdown.

Obviously I am not using all of this as an excuse, but I was financially better and more independent before my health problems. I am sure that I would have been in a much better position to have this child having never had any health problems.

I do agree with your other points though, and know that others' help will be pushed a lot more if I have the baby. I am planning on phoning the abortion clinic tomorrow to see what they say.

You’ve had a lot to deal with. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I understand your DH’s concerns (and wonder what effect a third child might have on his mental and physical health) and it also seems that you probably can’t afford it as things stand. Sorry OP.

OP, just wanted to say fair play to you for remaining so level headed and courteous here, despite a few responses from catty posters who clearly hadn’t read any of your updates. You’re in a tough place and I feel for you. I wish you resilience and acceptance as you move forward with whatever works out to be the least worst outcome.

What is that credit card bill for, if you cant feed your kids?

For fuck's sake, can you STOP saying they can't afford to feed the kids! They CAN afford to feed the kids. The h works full time, is not on a low income and exceeds any benefit/tax credit thresholds. There is enough money to feed the kids. The issue is that the h chooses not to. He controls all the finances, keeps all the money to spend on his expensive car and whatever else, and refuses to buy food for op and the kids or give her any money, forcing her to beg her parents.
The issue is not being poor, the issue is that the op is being financially abused.
OP, leave.

Jesus Christ. Have I been transformed to some 3rd world village in a remote part of a country untouched by civilisation?

No one in this country, in this day and age, should be telling a woman what they can and cannot do with their body. I am utterly appalled that some of you are encouraging her to terminate her baby.

Your DH is 50% to blame for this. He is 50 so he should have a bit of sense. If he can't afford more kids then he should have done his minor bit and gone and got the snip after baby no.2. Either that or leave his fragile, vulnerable wife who has had a head trauma the f£ck alone to heal after her pregnancy and trauma and keep his dick in his pants.

Do you really need your parents support? You have a 50-year old DH supporting an 8 year old and a 5 month old. What was he doing before this? Surely he has some assets. Why is your mum supporting you? Are you sure there is no money here?

I reckon he's 50 and you are a lot younger. He's manipulating you and so is you mum. Do you really need that money or has she convinced you that you need it? I smell a narcissist or two here with you as their main focus.

If OP is being financially abused, or put in a position of financial dependence by her H, surely it is better not to add another child into an incredibly difficult situation, piling pressure on her and her entire family? Hopefully as you get stronger mentally and physically, and your children easier to manage you will see the bigger picture better and maybe consider whether you could manage a job again, and really look at how your DH is treating you? To have a third child is going to delay this reexamination of your situation and be very very hard work for you.

I hope whatever the decision you make it turns out well for you

Sorry but for some people, getting an abortion is not like popping down to Tesco for a loaf. It would have a very devastating effect on their MH. I know that I am such a person. I believe in a woman right for an abortion, but could never do it myself. That was put to the test years ago and I just knew I couldn't live with myself if I did it. My MH wouldn't take it.

OP doesn't want an abortion. Surely one of the cruelest things you can do is manipulate a woman into doing this when she doesn't want to. It takes 2 to tango. Her DH should man the F'up.

I am 38 so yes, I am 11 years younger. I do feel personally that I am not in a good position either way; I am damned if I have an abortion and damned if I don't...

My parents are quite comfortable and can afford to help me out but I don't want to take the Mickey. If it wasn't for their regular help, I would literally only have £145 of child benefit money to live off each month... not an awful amount really.

I spoke to the pregnancy counsellor again today and she pointed out that if I went on the NHS website, it stated about the conditions for granting an abortion must include the patient's choice being voluntary, their own choice, and that they are of sound mental capacity. She was concerned that I wasn't going to go ahead with one that would mean the decision was 100% mine. I can truthfully say that would be the case, and that I would be doing it for the greater good of my whole family and support network, not just for reasons I have decided on myself.

My head is saying one thing still, and my heart is going in the other direction. I know I only have a short time period to decide whether I go ahead and it is making me feel so sad. Whatever I decide, it will certainly change the course of my life.

Can you cope practically, emotionally and financially as a lone parent to three?

I think this is a crucial question, given your husband response.

You have physical and mental health issues that are going to make being a mother of three extra difficult. And I think those suggesting adoption are not factoring in your mental health. Giving up a child for adoption is incredibly tough.

When I first read your OP I was about to get angry on your behalf. But the more I read, the more I can understand your parents. They know your state of health and mind, and I can imagine they're very worried for you.

Why doesn't your dh get a job closer to home so you don't need to pay so much in transport and he can be around to help raise his kids more.

I do see where your parents are coming from OP.

They'll know how hard of a time you've had it and want the best possible life for you & your children. Although they've suggested this they do sound supportive. If you are reliant on them it could put further strain on everything.

But...

Having an abortion when it's not your choosing could really affect you emotionally & set you back a few paces. There will no doubt be a grieving process involved.

I'm really sorry I don't have any advice, but I do hope you can come to a decision that you're even a bit more sure of.

You only have £145 CB money? Where is your DH's wages?
Sounds to me like you would be better off split form him, with your DC on your own, with him paying you through the CMS. He is financially abusing you.

Have you ever had a benefit maximising appointment with CAB? Are you sure you are getting all you are entitled to?

Have you had any support from www.headway.org.uk/?

There may be more help out there for you if you reach out to it.

My parents are quite comfortable and can afford to help me out but I don't want to take the Mickey. If it wasn't for their regular help, I would literally only have £145 of child benefit money to live off each month... not an awful amount really

So your husband does the support you or his children ? Even though you are a SAHP?

That’s shocking and I agree with a PP that you are being financially abused.

The fact that he’s threatened to divorce you if you continue with the pregnancy that he created is terrible. If he was so sure that another baby would bankrupt him, why didn’t he get a vasectomy ? Why did he have PIV sex and risk this ? If he’s 50 he’s presumably worked out where babies come from ?

I’m also shocked that several PP have basically said

“ I’m prochoice in general but not in your case - you definitely have to have an abortion , you have no choice “.

Either you are pro choice for every woman or you are not.

Also some posters seem to miss the fact that she’s not deciding whether or not to get pregnant again, she’s ALREADY pregnant. It’s not about choosing to have another baby - there’s already a baby on the way.

I also think it’s very poor that the Ops mother, who I assume had fertility problems herself, is pressurising the Op to have an abortion against her will.

My heart goes out to you OP, you sound very isolated and controlled by others. I’m glad that you have a counsellor. Do you also have friends that you can confide in ?

Yes, I have spoken to the counsellor again and confided in a few friends. It is ultimately my choice but I do feel very isolated as you say, and even the counsellor said yesterday that she could see how I was feeling- I told her that if I carried on with the pregnancy then I would be putting others last, and feel selfish and quite guilty.

I never thought that I would have to come to such a difficult decision. I am torn.

Do you believe that you must always put others first and yourself last ?

What about your children - do they always have to come last too behind the adults in your life ?

Is it only you who has to put everyone else first ? What about your husband and your mother - do they have to do the same or are they allowed to put their own needs first ?

I’m wondering what your value/ belief system is based on. And why the adults in your life can be selfish but you and your children have to be self less .

I would be putting others last, and feel selfish and quite guilty.
You actually sound very selfless & considerate OP. You've really taken on & digested everything.

Would you have considered an abortion of it wasn't suggested to you?

Do you feel you could cope with another child & ultimately is your gut telling you to continue with the pregnancy?
People manage to get by all the time OP. They just make it work. Everyone would like everything to be in place for their baby arriving but life throws all sorts at us.

Thank you *0lga for your reply.

To be fair, I used to earn a decent salary when I worked full time 10 years ago. I think I was clearing about £1300 each month so to take a gradual pay reduction (as you do when you work part time with children) has been a bit hard.