Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

BendyLikeBeckham

Me neither. But you can't speak generally or for most or many. Only for you That's my point. Cold for you is practical for me. It is subjective.

@MsPavlichenko I agree it is subjective. It can also be emotional AND practical of course.

On being a single parent.

I have many friends who are single parents.

To them being a single parent is so much easier than being in a relationship where the other person is not wanting the same things

Or as one of my friends described it
A piece of piss compared to being with her exh who wanted tea on the table at a certain time and the house to be tidied of toys and the children ready for bed when he got home.

Now it is movie nights on a Friday evening. Ice cream and beds made up in the living room. Or duvet days on rainy weekends and holidays and if she wants to take the children out for the day there is no one moaning at her for not being back in the house at a certain time.

No ones life will be ruined if you have this child.

Lives may change but no ones life is going to turn to complete shit.

Courtney555 so NooNooHead is being selfish by wanting to remain pregnant? Are you insane? She's a pregnant female, who already has children she adores, who understands what it is to carry a child to term, give birth, and nurture that child, and if you read everything she's said and hear what medical advisers and counsellors have said, then it seems like she can't bring herself to give the go-ahead for others to introduce chemicals into her body to induce expulsion of the pregnancy. She just can't do it.

Choice means just that. You'd respect her decision and be falling over yourself with approving pseudo-feminist platitudes if she'd said yes I must have an abortion, no regrets.

So do the same, show the same respect, if she says she doesn't want to do that.

Op, reading your posts it seems like you expect there to be a "right" answer, that everyone will agree on, almost like a maths question.

The truth is that there isn't a "right" answer or certainly not one that everyone will agree on.

Whatever you decide there will be positives and negatives, people will be relieved while others will be upset.

If you continue with the pregnancy then you might need to accept that parts of your life will change.

If you decide to terminate then parts of your life will change.

There's no decision here that comes without downsides or that everyone will be happy about.

If what you want is to continue with the pregnancy then why not start looking at how you figure out the family finances so that your parents don't have to keep giving you money?

I don't think you are unreasonable for wanting to continue with the pregnancy but I do think you are unreasonable to expect everyone else to facilitate your choice and bend over backwards to make it possible while you just carry on as before.

If you want this then maybe you have to accept that you need to step up now and start taking responsibility as an adult?

No, noonoo, I don't think that. Everyone else in your family thinks that. And have told you so. And with very valid reason.

But, you're putting yourself and your desires above all of that, then wondering why they're not all supporting you. And it's partly their fault you behave like that, you're the first to admit you've been mollycoddled and enabled, so it's almost to be expected in some respects.

You have a real "victim" mentality. And I detest that phrase but I can't think of any other way to put it. You can't take home truths, constructive criticism, and if you don't like what you hear, even when it's very reasonable, you claim you're being bullied.

At the end of the day, you're going to do what you want to do, regardless of anyone else. It's been clear from many of your posts. That's your personal entitlement. But acting like "poor me" when you know full well it's not what anyone else wants, but expect them to support you, is not on. If you want to make that decision, own it. You're happy to make that decision for yourself, but to do it knowing no one supports it then get all self pitiful because you've got no support? No one said it's easy. But you don't even consider "poor them" when they have to live with the consequences of you doing whatever you want.

I hope you find a way through this. And I hope they do too.

OP, my last post but one was aimed at @MoreProseccoNow

I suspect that your DH has exactly zero understanding of what you are going through, how you feel, and how his behaviour is affecting you. Or maybe he has and doesn't care so long as you 'sort out' this situation and maintain the status quo, because it suits him

And as for the rights of the mother - what about the right of the mother to be happily pregnant and not be forced or shamed into feeling that's wrong? It's a shockingly brutal and politically self-serving attitude.

She isn't selfish. She's an expectant mother.

lottelupin

Do you not think that choosing to bring children into the world should come with an acceptance of your responsibilities to those children - the responsibility to be able to feed them, clothe them, provide them with housing etc?

Can the op do that?

The loneliest people I know are those in a bad relationship.

Whilst your dh might not be a bad person he does act like a single person.

I say this because at no point did/does he want to sit down and work through things as basic as the finances, how moving was going to effect everyone. The realities of having 2 children and living in Norfolk and working in London and if you supposedly can’t afford another child why didn’t he have a vasectomy or is he keeping his options open?

He wants what he wants and everyone should fall in line.

@Courtney555 I can only think you are projecting here. Unless you are the OPs mother?

She absolutely does not have to put her parents or DH above her own wishes and feelings. Not ever.

If they love her then they will support her decision, no matter what. That is what good kind loving parents and partners do.

@Oliversmumsarmy you have talked a lot of sense on this thread.

I too am a single parent, and I fucking love it!!!

Do you not think that choosing to bring children into the world should come with an acceptance of your responsibilities to those children - the responsibility to be able to feed them, clothe them, provide them with housing etc?

Absolutely. Any responsible parent thinks like this.

Can the op do that?

Nope. But her parents can, they already do for the existing children she has. And she knows they'll fund this as well, despite them saying "please, we can't give anymore." They've enabled her to be like this though. If she wasn't being enabled this way, and absolved of her own responsibilities, or as a PP put it, standing on her own two feet, this wouldn't be an option at all.

As many others have said, OP will do what's best for OP. Because she can.

TequilaPilates

In answer to your question.

Yes she can. They aren’t exactly short of money it is just how it is being spent.
There is £650 per month that the Noo hasn’t worked out where it is going and dh isn’t telling.

@BendyLikeBeckham - do you really think OP's husband will be an involved, hands on parent?! He's working away half the week in London. He's also stated his preference for a termination.

This does not sound like a father who will step up.

So, OP may be best to go forward assuming she will be solo parenting with minimal involvement from him & hoping her parents continue to support her in every way (not just financial).

She absolutely does not have to put her parents or DH above her own wishes and feelings. Not ever.

No she doesn't, unless she needs their support.

If they love her then they will support her decision, no matter what. That is what good kind loving parents and partners do.

Even if they've got nothing left to give? Maybe her parents can't afford to carry on paying £300 per month to op and her family. Maybe her husband can't do any more than he's currently doing? Maybe he's collapsing under the weight of being the only wage earner and what he really needs is a partner who can help shoulder the financial burden?

There is £650 per month that the Noo hasn’t worked out where it is going and dh isn’t telling.

But didn't the outgoings the op listed only include a few items? What about utilities bills, council tax, TV licence, insurances, fuel for cars, birthday and Christmas presents for the children, clothes, shoes, etc etc? £600 is quickly eaten up by those expenses

The Op doesn't appear to be doing the actual leg work or going to real effort to come to an actual resolution. She's doing what she has admitted she always does. Act like a child and allow others to fix the problems.

Some people here seem to be posting under multiple accounts

@TequilaPilates you are making a lot of assumptions there. The OP hasn't indicated any of those are true. And if their DF has to take some childcare responsibility alongside his Big Job, then so be it. He should be already quite frankly. He relies on OP to do all the childcare for their DC while he furthers his London career.

OP. As I said earlier not making a choice is a choice in this situation. If you want to continue the pregnancy it will be far better for you, and the others involved if you say so ASAP.

There will be consequences whatever you decide and you have to face them and deal with them either way. I do think you are correct to anticipate doing this on your own given the reservations e pressed by your DH. He might get on board but then again he might not. But you need to move things forward imo, and then you can start to plan.

BendyLikeBeckham I think out of all my friends I am the only one who is in a reasonably happy relationship and I am not married. Dp also travels the world a lot which means all through the dc growing up for 2 weeks every month I was a single parent.
I love Dp but those 2 weeks each month were the easiest times. When Dp was at home he really did drive me mad at times.

My single friends love my Dp though as when I go out with them he stuffs cash in my hand and tells me to have a good time and don’t rush back.
Friend said her ex would mope around the house all day if she went out. Expect calls every 30 minutes and be back at a certain time. Not one minute later.

My friends love being single parents. They meet guys occasionally but they would have to be phenomenally rich, generous and lovely people in order for them to consider a long term relationship let alone marriage.

I am sorry if I have a victim mentality. Perhaps I should just shrug my shoulders and say 'oh well, I have had life changing things happen to me but I know that I shouldn't wallow in it, therefore I must get on with life regardless of the fact that I have been permanently harmed and disabled by my injuries (head injury and drug induced movement disorder).'

In many respects, I have been the opposite of a victim though. I have continued to be a wife and a mother. I have contributed financially to the family despite being ill. The only reason that I stopped was because of my previous employer that decided to end my contract, which happened to coincide with my DS' pregnancy. I was then fortunate enough to have been given financial support from my parents after my maternity allowance ended. If their generosity hadn't been there, then no doubt I would have been having to go back to find work sooner.

As I said before, I have been in employment before. I have a 15 year career in publishing before I was ill, so I am perfectly capable. You seem to be so hell bent on portraying me as some useless person / victim that you have forgotten about my life before I had to rely on others more.

I am not saying that having a victim mentality is acceptable but I am entitled to be honest about how hard it has been. They say that brain injuries are the 'invisible disability'. People can and do recover from them, and I have done pretty well and come back from my injury because I had to.

Op I've been following your thread since the beginning but haven't posted before tonight.

I'm sorry your in a really horrible situation and I feel quite mad on your behalf that your dh has the audacity to be so grumpy rude and unsupportive when it takes two people not one to be in the predicament you guys are in.

The last couple of posts you've updated have made me want to comment.

Not the same situation as you but at a very young age I was pregnant single and in my first year of a career course.
I was also living at home with parents and no money behind me as I was in a training wage and young.

I spoke with independent advisors and councillors and against other people's probable thoughts I continued with the pregnancy.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but I've never regretted it once or resented my dc now a grown fully fledged adult herself.

I know it's a totally different situation to yours but I feel you are getting some flack here and although I can see why your parents are concerned,like mine were,your dh is behaving like an ass and you don't need to put up with that.

It's a very emotive situation op for you and I wish you all the best and the outcome you want.

Will keep following your thread

But didn't the outgoings the op listed only include a few items? What about utilities bills, council tax, TV licence, insurances, fuel for cars, birthday and Christmas presents for the children, clothes, shoes, etc etc? £600 is quickly eaten up by those expenses

I think most of those would be under the £900 per month that was put into the account to pay household bills

The petrol, presents and clothing comes out of the £650 but without all the details Noo hasn’t a clue what is being spent and where.

@Oliversmumsarmy I found my life so much easier when I didn't have a giant hairy man child to look after! But I also have a wonderful new DP now (we don't live together) so I get the best of both worlds. Relevance to the OP is that happiness and an easy life can be achieved through marital breakdown. It isn't always the worst thing that could happen. In fact, it could be the best thing for some people.