Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

Christ, why are people going on about OP's finances & how they know happy single parents?! They are making OP's thread all about them. FFS.

@MoreProseccoNow Sorry if you are referring to my posts. I was trying to offer an alternative perspective to the "not having an abortion might wreck your marriage" posse.

As I did to the "having a sibling will ruin your DCs lives" proponents.

That post about victim mentality couldn't have proved my point more.

You know perfectly well, no one is a victim for having a head injury. But you jump straight down that tangent to take the "sorry if that makes me a victim" stance.

It's all so poor me. But like you say, it's always been all about you, since your adoption. But perhaps, for the first time, you're going to make it all about you, and have to really be accountable for the consequences.

It is absolutely your choice and your feelings to consider OP, but on the other hand, your DH doesn’t have to be cheerful about it right now, or hide his feelings either (even if he may come around) since it wasn’t his.

Your parents aren’t really what I would factor into your decision as you could re-work things so you are not financially dependent on them.

You don’t want to have an abortion and are worried about how you will feel afterwards. And it’s your right not to! And you should absolutely consider your feelings. But do you think most women don’t feel like this? Many are terrified on the day. It’s a brave decision for them. But they get through it because on some level they feel it’s on balance the right decision. Some make the decision with a practical head on and quickly move on. But @BendyLikeBeckham says the decision can be both practical and emotional. Less easy to move on. But then, other children need them, or family things crop up. Willing to bet it is like this for a majority of women who have one. I’d be surprised if all women who have had one said they 100% wanted to; it’s usually just a balancing act.

@Courtney555 I disagree. The OP is showing that she is a survivor. She has weathered worse and she will handle this, but for now she is overwhelmed and hurt and afraid. She is allowed to be.

I do think she needs to woman up and tackle the finances. That is essential regardless of what else happens.

I suspect that DH is overbearing. And the age gap is relevant to the dynamic in their relationship too.

Forgive me op, but in your last up date you've asserted that you are quite capable of earning an income but your parents generosity has meant that you haven't gone back to work. So, surely the answer is for you to now go back to work and start earning some.money? Then you are t indebted to your.larents and it takes the.pressure off of your husband too. If things don't work out with him you'll also be in a better position to.provide for yourself and the children going forward.

If you can work why wouldn't you and instead rely on your.parents to give you money for.food? I just don't understand that at all.

Well, whatever I say to you @Courtney555 is going to come across as a victim now isn't it? I am not that awful and selfish that I can't consider anyone else's needs.

Then again, perhaps I should bow out of this thread gracefully before I put my foot in it even more.

Why don't you sit down with your husband tonight and go through your accounts with a fine tooth comb?

Oh, you absolutely could consider everyone else's needs. But you don't, and won't.

Good luck.

Maybe I have had chronic low self esteem and confidence since childhood? I worked very hard to achieve a good degree and have a career and then my illness knocked the stuffing out of my completely. I know that sounds very 'victim mentality' again but I am being very honest. My parents are quite controlling and my DM can be overly critical, but obviously this isn't all about my family dynamics.

Well @Courtney555 - I like to think you would come back if I said I had the abortion, but I don't think you believe that I will be doing it.

@Courtney555 Why do you keep trying to crush the OPs self esteem even more, and make her feel guilty? She is already putting everyone's needs above her own, and suffering for it. If she hadn't then she wouldn't have started this thread.

I said this before but I still can't get my head around the claim that a couple with a 4 bedroom house and two cars (one of them a costly BMW) can't afford a baby. I'm willing to bet that NooNooHead and her DH are significantly better off than average. He earns too much to get child benefit, FFS. How many couples on half that have DC?

It's clear to me that you want to keep this baby. I dread to think how you might feel if you force yourself to have an abortion. I think you should do what you have to in order to have a quiet conscience and if this leads to your marriage breaking down then so be it. No one's life will be ruined. However if you have a breakdown after an unwanted abortion that might ruin yours.

I get the impression that your DH and your DPs tend to tell you what to do and expect you to toe the line. You're being treated like a child. The fact that you don't know all the details of your family's finances bothers me. This crisis seems to have revealed some major cracks in your marriage.

The dh isn't putting his wife's needs first. He isn't putting his family's needs first by working away three days every week either.
Why is it just the OP who has to do this?

I worked very hard to achieve a good degree and have a career and then my illness knocked the stuffing out of my completely
I understand this but then your comment on the last.page contradicts this. There, you sounded like it was a choice not to work and that you could easily go back to work now.

Clearly it's not going to be that easy for you to go back to.work and so the reality is that you're financially reliant on your husband and your parents. Your update now saying that your DM is controlling would make.me actually want to distance myself from her rather than actively making myself even more reliant on her.

You are clearly going to make this decision with your heart and then leave others to sort out the practicalities for you. I hope it works out for you.

She is already putting everyone's needs above her own, and suffering for it. If she hadn't then she wouldn't have started this thread.

No she's not. She's doing the opposite and then going online looking for validation from anyone she can because it's what she wants to hear.

I feel very selfish about the whole thing to be honest, and posters like @Courtney555 haven't helped. Yes, they are giving constructive criticism and a dose of reality, and I am not naive nor stupid enough to dismiss these valid points so easily. The fact that I have spent nearly a month and 900 posts on here pontificating about it shows I am clearly very concerned.

I don't think my DH is putting my emotional needs first, nor are my family. I said this to the midwife yesterday and she agreed that this wasn't for the best in some cases. The possibility of an adverse reaction psychologically might not necessarily be high, but it is still there. I would like to see how my DH and family cope when I end up being so sad about it that I can't even go out, but my DM wants me to 'get back to some kind of normality' like she said helpfully during my last breakdown.

I said this before but I still can't get my head around the claim that a couple with a 4 bedroom house and two cars (one of them a costly BMW) can't afford a baby.

I can. I know of a few families who, on the surface, appear to have everything - big house, expensive cars, nice holidays - but it's all an illusion. It's paid for with credit cards, lease agreements and huge mortgages. One couple repeatedly enter into IVAs and then once ended set about running up debts again. The op thinks her husband takes home around £2500/month. That's not a huge amount for a family of 4, a mortgage, paying for 2 cars, train fares, bills and so on.

Op clearly wants to continue with the pregnancy so does she not need to step up now and stop.being so.passive with regards to the family finances?

Of course she has the right to make her own choice about the pregnancy but she really cannot control how anyone else reacts to that choice and surely she needs to consider that when making her choice?

I...I.....I.....me....I....my....I.....I.....

Seriously. Good luck.

You need to decide. That is the reality. Our opinions and those of your DH and DPS are simply that. But again there will be consequences either way and you cannot escape from that. You need to decide and own the decision which you seem unwilling to do.

1 month and 900 comments and you still haven't checked the finances!!

Your DM might have to just accept the new normal though. Another one seeing it as a problem to be fixed, with no consequences.

Either way, there are going to be consequences and risks. Mostly for you, OP.

How do YOU honestly feel about this pregnancy?

I would like to see how my DH and family cope when I end up being so sad about it that I can't even go out, but my DM wants me to 'get back to some kind of normality' like she said helpfully during my last breakdown

Honestly, this sounds like you're being quite emotionally manipulative op.

Why are you thinking like this? Almost a " just you wait. How will you feel if I get so depressed that I can't leave the house because you made me do this?"

You need to.own whatever decision you make because you're an adult, not a child.

If you decide to continue with the pregnancy then own that decision. Plan how you are going to make it work, stop taking money from your parents.

If you decide to terminate then decide it for the right reasons and don't try to punish everyone else for a decision that you made.

That sentence is just a huge passive aggressive statement really. They can't make you do anything. Whatever you decide to do is your choice and you have to.own that decision and the consequences of it.

This ^^

Agree with @TequilaPilates