Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

NooNoo - glad that you had a supportive person to speak to.

I am very, very pro-choice. But it is that. A choice. YOUR choice. Not your DH's, not your parents.

Yours alone.

And not making a decision IS making a decision. Doing nothing is making a choice and that is yours alone to make.

There are ways to make more money or cut spending if needed. And at only 8 weeks, you have time. Think about what you have said, all along - you didn't want the abortion, you've been careful about food from day 1. These aren't really the actions of someone who wants to abort a pregnancy to be honest.

I absolutely think a choice could badly affect you mentally if it isn't yours. Likewise, I think if you make a choice based on what your feelings and thoughts are, you will be able to live with it. No matter which way you decide.

Good luck with it, it won't be perfect no matter which way you go, loses will be felt. And book your DP in for a vastectomy!

@glitterfarts thank you for your reply. I was upset but it was just my reaction to her question that set me off - when she asked about why I was considering abortion, I then pictured what it would be like when I was having one and the whole thing made me feel very sad.

My DH was really grouchy about it yesterday too, and when I said that I had seen the scan and was even asked whether I wanted a picture, he said 'why would you want to have a photo if you aren't keeping it?'

Then later on, I asked him why he was being so grumpy. He replied that it was because he didn't have anything to be cheerful about.

NooNooHead

I am sorry your dh is acting like an arse.

In some ways it could be read as he is not happy because you aren’t immediately doing what you have been told.

Personally the sort of rhetoric he is spewing would make me very angry. It is controlling and abusive.

Is he only happy when you are going what he wants.

It's a pity he can't be more supportive.

@Apileofballyhoo he hasn't been supportive of this since the day I told him. I am doomed really in a way. I honestly feel like I have to be having the abortion as nobody else is in any way supporting me with the alternative.

@Oliversmumsarmy yes - it seems like he is trying to be controlling. I feel like I'm in a difficult position as if I don't do what they wish, it will be terrible for everyone.

I think the difference is that he is detached, refers to "it" and sees it as a problem to be got rid of. Easily, quickly and without mental or physical pain or consequences. Whereas many women in that situation will already view the embryo as their child. I say this as an observation, not to be emotive, but it really is emotive isn't it. And anyone who thinks that the decision to abort isn't and shouldn't be emotional, hasn't been there. Add in pregnancy hormones and it just makes it harder.

I feel for you OP. You need DH more than ever to support you and love you and care for you. Instead he puts his driving convenience and comfort before your DCs need for food. I think you've got to consider whether this marriage is worth saving.

You have already been advised that you would be financially better off on your own.

I was going to ask, noonoo, do you think you could cope as a single mother? It may come to that (whatever you choose). If you think of yourself as a single mum of 3, do you think you would go ahead? It does seem you really want this baby. But it may be at the expense of your marriage. I don’t know your dh so I don’t know ignoring that’s a price worth paying or not!

But you are ignoring that they are not supporting you because they know it's not in the best interests for the whole family. Why would you expect support when they all see you thinking only of yourself and not your whole family who all have to live with your personal decision?

You have acknowledged that you've stayed in a very childlike role, in the sense that you've been mollycoddled and you've negated responsibility and done things because other people will sort it out on your behalf.

I don't think your DH is being an arse at all. He's got nothing to be cheerful about because he already knows you'll do what you want irrespective of anyone else. You're about to potentially ruin his marriage and life as he knows it with his current children, with a child he doesn't want. But you actually perceive yourself as the one who's "doomed".

Again. This decision is up to you OP. It seems to me you are still not wanting to terminate and your choice is the only one that matters.

But again BendyLikeBeckham and others. Your experience and opinion is entirely subjective. I have been there and the decision was not emotional. Then or since. I expect this is true for many women.

So @Courtney555, what would you say to the independent advice given to me by the midwife at the BPAS clinic, the pregnancy choices counsellor and the GPs who all said I need to consider my feelings too?

If I go ahead and do the abortion and I say that it is 100% my decision, I won't be able to look myself in the eye in the mirror again. It will be much harder to 'get over' and deal with, even if I know that I will have been thinking of others and not potentially ruining their lives.

@MsPavlichenko Even if you decide for yourself, know it's the right thing for you to do for you, it doesn't mean that it is not a decision laced with emotion.

I've been in this situation. And I also know that if I were there again, that I would terminate with 100% certainty, and be at peace with my decision. But it would still be an emotive issue to decide upon, in the sense that there are feelings involved.

Why is it then called a choice? It might as well be called 'let other people decide for you and disregard your feelings completely' choice.

@NooNooHead1981

Lives may change a bit, or a lot, or not much. They won't be ruined.

What happens if our marriage is ruined by me having the abortion anyway?

I lost some of that post. I was saying that lives being ruined is dramatic hyperbole by people trying to make you feel guilty

@Courtney555 seems to think I will be ruining lots of people's lives. I feel very responsible for the decision I am going to make for those reasons alone.

there are things wrong with your marriage now, OP. Regardless of the pregnancy.

Only you know if they can be fixed, are worth fixing, or not. I do know that resentment kills love. And this is a big thing to resent him for.

Breaking News: Child has a new sibling. Woman has another child. Lives not RUINED!

There is enough money for food if it is spent wisely. Poverty is not your problem. Your DH and parents are.

BendyLikeBeckham For you that may be true. I have been in the situation It was not an emotive issue for me in any way. I was pregnant. I didn't want to be It was as simple as that. It may be for other women.

@MsPavlichenko I accept that we all have different experiences though I struggle to see how it can be a cold decision, even if you know it's right. I'm not arguing with you. Perhaps I should have qualified my view as 'most women' or 'many women', though of course I am generalizing. The person that matters here is the OP. I don't want to start an abortion debate in principle.

I think the bottom line for OP, is if she is prepared to be a single parent.

Her DH is not on board with this pregnancy, irrespective of finances.

My DH is already making me feel guilty about it and that I should be able to make a decision soon - the way he is acting isn't helpful at all. I told him that if he really didn't like living here that much, perhaps he would like to go and see how he gets on at his parents' for a while.

If the marriage fails, then OP will be one parent. The children's father will be another. They just won't live together. Shared responsibility and child maintenance could work even better for OP.

Fact is, the current situation is intolerable.