Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

Personally I think on balance there's way more risk of NooNoo having a breakdown if she has an abortion against her instincts than if she has the baby and has to cope with practicalities. Everyone around her seems quite selfish tbh so she needs to look out for her own feelings.

NooNoo: what do you know you could live with? And what couldn't you live with?

That's the bottom line.

I don't think I could live with having a breakdown. I am not denying that fact. But if I came across as passive aggressive in my previous post, it was because of how my own mother has been dismissive of my mental health in the past. I know she is very much a 'get on with it' person, and wouldn't tolerate much emotional responses.

But the repercussions of the baby are greater for others. I think that is the bottom line.

but the repercussions of the baby are greater for others

How so? What repercussions will there be?

From what I see you clearly don’t want to have an abortion so don’t. If you’re pushed into it (whether well meaningly or not) then you’re not going to forgive yourself or those pushing you. But if you’re making that decision own it. If your husband ends things then deal with it. Seek proper support; counselling, benefits advice, whatever, rather than relying on your parents (I’m sure you love them / they love you, but you need to get out of the dysfunctional cycle). It’s not easy being a lone parent with a disability, I know, I’m doing it, but I have a good life with my kids, and you can too.

*I would like to see how my DH and family cope when I end up being so sad about it that I can't even go out, but my DM wants me to 'get back to some kind of normality' like she said helpfully during my last breakdown.

Wow.

You speak as though you have absolutely no agency. No sense that any of your destiny is in your hands. You say you ‘maybe’ have chronic low self-esteem since childhood, like many. What are you doing about it, then?

It’s all about you, and that’s becoming clearer and clearer as the thread has progressed.

Yeah, what a dick your DM is right? Giving you money, feeding your kids, expressing she wants you to get back to how things where when you weren’t unwell. Not wanting you to have a third child you can’t feed. I’m sure if she trusted you to manage your own family financially and practically without taking handouts and support from her and your father she’d be thrilled at a third grandchild. As it stands you can’t expect her to have so much of a part to play in raising children YOU chose to have and then try paint her as the villain when she expresses an opinion about something she can see a mile off will be a further burden on her and your dad.

This thread is just gonna run and run, you’re delaying making a decision as long as possible in the hope a termination is no longer possible, either due to time running out or hoping the provider will refuse to give you one because you’re telling them it’s not your own decision. Once again trying to put the decision onto somebody or something else. It’ll reach forty pages and you’ll still be no further on unless it takes months for the remainder of the pages to be filled.

It’s not all about you. In your family’s shoes I’d be utterly at the end of my rope and infuriated at your selfishness. I suspect whatever you decide, your marriage may well be over after this. You’ve already decided that if you terminate you’ll be too sad to function. How much of that is you being so bitter you want to make your family suffer for not getting your own way I have no idea.

You’ve had some good advice on this thread. A lot of it. I suspect you’re not used to being told straight how your behaviour impacts others and how you come across so it’s bound to make you bristle. Sounds like you’ve been enabled for quite a while.

But if you’re making that decision own it. If your husband ends things then deal with it. Seek proper support; counselling, benefits advice, whatever, rather than relying on your parents

Absolutely.

But if I came across as passive aggressive in my previous post, it was because of how my own mother has been dismissive of my mental health in the past.

Blame blame blame.

Good luck OP. Choosing not to make a decision is making a decision.

I'm with PPs; we're 38 pages into an exercise in passive-aggressive self-aggrandisement. But that's OK, obviously, because it's other people's fault that you're passive-aggressive. You've weaponised your physical and mental health and your learned helplessness against your husband and parents.

You've made a decision, clearly. So own it, and start dealing with the consequences. And get therapy. Please.

You've weaponised your physical and mental health and your learned helplessness against your husband and parents.

Put perfectly.

In a way I’m glad the thread has ran long enough for OP’s true colours to start to come out so posters can give her genuine advice based on the situation as it is (if it’s all true of course) under the surface. Rather than just a few pages of lots of reinforcement and reassurance that DH and her DPs are awful controlling people and OP should do what feels best to her. At least it has turned out a little more useful and realistic.

Ok, so I need therapy and lots of it.

Thank you for the constructive recent replies. As for my dilemma, yes, I need to own my decision. And stop being so passive aggressive.

Guess I had better get talking to my DH and a therapist then.

Wow. A suprising number of people seemingly trying to bully and shame the OP, a complete stranger, into an abortion. I'm not sure why anyone would want to keep niggling away at someone that is clearly distressed to try to prove a point.

Anyway, OP - do you think your marriage could survive an abortion? Could you forgive your husband for his recent behaviour? Would the resentment of the abortion ultimately drive you apart? Of course there is also the risk that you think your marriage can survive it and you have an abortion but your DH leaves anyway.

I ask because realistically if you don't think your marriage will survive an abortion you just need to decide what is best for you assuming the marriage will be over.

Do you want to be a single parent to two children or three? Because if you will regret the abortion if the marriage ends I think that is your answer. Whereas if the thought of managing with a baby as well as your two children without your DH fills tou with horror then I think that suggests an abortion would be best. You might need to run the finances to work out what life without your DH looks like in order to answer this question, but this would allow an informed decision.

It looks like three children and a happy marriage may not be a option, so you need to pick from the available options

Christ, why are people going on about OP's finances & how they know happy single parents?! confusedThey are making OP's thread all about them

No we are mostly answering questions like how op will cope if she has no support or if her marriage breaks down.

We are saying that she will cope (noo and her dh aren't exactly broke). There is money there and if she does end up divorcing then it isn't the end of the world being a single parent.

Contraceptionismyfriend
Noo has gone through the finances but without her dhs input she can't see where a portion of the money is actually going*

Noo I said on one of my first posts that I thought your parents were controlling and manipulative and further posts from you have only gone to confirm my first thoughts.

The money that they give isn't there to help you it is given as a form of control.

Even the deposit on the car I am sure was to get you into a position where you couldn't afford the repayments. They probably know you and your dh don't sit down together to discuss what can and can't be afforded.

Equally the money they give is to stop you returning to work because then the control would be lost.

Everything is about them.

I know there will be people who don't see it but I have lived through this type of control and in the end turned my back on millions.

I went from living in a huge house in an exclusive area to a studio in a seedy area of London.

I listened my gut and I couldn't have been happier.

And I built myself up from there

I get where you are coming from

@TequilaPilates
@Ginger1982
@Contraceptionismyfriend

And many others - you are spot on. I started following this thread from the beginning, and did feel for the op and her position. However sadly more recent posts are , to me, revealing a definite passive aggressive slant, with a side dish of victim!
Please op make your decision whatever it may be and OWN it. Stop pushing responsibility onto others (what staff at the clinic think, what you parents thinks etc) I understand that you have health problems, but you seem to have used these to allow your parents to ' control' you ( I don't think they are controlling by the way , just trying against the odds to look after you , a state of affairs which you have admitted YOUhave allowed to happen)
. Your husband is allowed to not want a third child as much as you obviously do - please as I say make your own decision , don't cowardly run down the clock so you can then blame others if the decision doesn't work out.
Good luck for whatever you decide ( or don't!)

Op I think you being adopted and a premature baby may have added emotional reasons for you being unable to go ahead with an abortion.

And I agree with a previous poster, I can see how you do not believe your parents and dh when they say the only choice is abortion because you can’t afford another baby, while you are sitting in a 4 bedroom house and you have an expensive car! If you were squished into a 2 bedder and had to walk or bus everywhere you would be feeling the strain of not having money. So this sole reason feels false to you understandably.

These are very strong emotional arguments underpinning the op’s choice.

It's ok for abortion not to be an option for you.

Just because abortion is a legal option, it doesn't make it the 'right option, just one available choice. You don't have to justify continuing this pregnancy, and you know that if you do there may be tough times ahead but that's your call.

Your family have no business forcing you into an abortion. Even with the financial support. Your body remains your body and therefore your decision they haven't bought the right to decide.

The question is 'do you want this baby' and how you personally feel about abortion. The rest will sort itself out in time.

@NooNooHead1981, you have gotten a lot of harsh response by a lot of posters. Remember this is not their reality and they don't get to live your life. They won't live through the consequences of your choice. They will just wash their hands and continue living their own life.

If you think you would have a break down and you don't want the valid choice of NOT getting an abortion, then don't. It is your body and you decide what happens to it. No one should dictate what you do with.

At this moment I would not even put any weight on your dh opinion. At least not until he has gotten a vasectomy. If he is willing to put you through this anguish another time, is his opinion really worth it? Contraception should always fall on the partner that wants no more children. I know you are already pregnant, but why is he not trying to protect his marriage from further harm? Has he checked out emotionally from this marriage?

Whatever decision you make, know that your marriage is at a huge risk. If your dh leaves because you decide to keep the baby. Know that he left because he wanted to. You didn't break your marriage. He left because he wanted to. Abortion never, guarantee that marriage will not end. This is why a lot of posters want you to look into your finances. So you could protect yourself and your children from poverty. Your dh has already once threatened you with divorce. This is the time to be very selfish and protect your self from further harm.

He might be the best human around, but right now he is extremely selfish, bordering on abusive. Yes, you had an accident and got long lasting physical health problems. But you can take some control back. Step by step. Can your parents help pay for a session with an financial advisor? If you struggle with money why not hire someone short term to help you make sense of your finacial standing. But I believe you need to find one yourself.

You really need your finances looked at and if you can't do it, get an independent finacial advisor to do it. By independent I mean not a family or a freind, that can muddy your relationship with them.

I still can’t believe the bashing the parents are getting on here. That the money is about control - I don’t see that at all. They only seem to be helping out a child they love dearly, who has had a rough time over the past couple of years.

I do think there’s an element of everybody wanting the OPs life to move on a bit. I can imagine that everybody has become a bit bored of it always being about the OP and her physical and mental health.

I think people naturally become very selfish when faced with chronic health conditions and those around them will naturally put themselves lower down in the pecking order in order to deal with The Unwell One. But compassion fatigue is real and it’s easy to eventually run out of empathy when, yet again, everything is about that person.

So when the OPs mum is saying she wants to get back to normality, I would hazard a guess she just wants then OP to live a relatively normal life where her physical and mental conditions are not front and centre for everybody. I bet the recent announcement was a bit of a ‘oh no, something else to deal with and worry about’.

I’m not saying it’s right but more of a symptom of the OP being so reliant on people for the past few years.

If the OP is going to continue with the pregnancy then she needs to cut the apron strings and stop relying on everybody, both emotionally and financially, and do this for herself. She can’t have the baby and then need support with the 3 kids from her parents whilst her DH is working because she isn’t coping or her physical health is suffering - I think you’d have some brass neck to ask for any support when everybody is dead against you considering going ahead.

I’m sure your parents will eventually help you, because they seem decent people, but I think there’ll be a load of ‘I told you so’s’ when the wheels for off and it’s bound to negatively impact on your relationships when you’ve put yourself further in the position of struggling day in, day out.

It’s clear you’re keeping the pregnancy, and that’s ok because it’s your choice to do so, but don’t default to the ‘woe is me’ standpoint when things get tough because you can know, with a fair amount of certainty, what the fallout of this is going to be.

Number3or4 I think you've just put it all perfectly. Nothing more needed.

@lottelupin
Number3or4 I think you've just put it all perfectly. Nothing more needed.

as far as you're concerned.....

@Oliversmumsarmy No she hasn't. She vaguely and limply brought it up. He immediately told her to go to where the statements are and go and look herself. And has since not brought it up again.
Has she actually sat down with him and said I need to see detailed incomings and expenditures?
No. Because by the looks of it that would involve acting like an adult who's taking control. And for whatever reason. OP can not or will not do that.

Actually, excellent advice from no3or4! It would be a sensible idea to have a look at the finances. Whatever OP decides, it would benefit her to have a grasp of her budget.

quite honestly I fear for her three children if she has to bring them up alone. She honestly does not seem to be in a fit state of maturity to cope with any of the crisis that inevitably crop up in life.
I think she'l always need her parents or DH's support, however according to some on here, as long as they get rid of the car all will be well!

@Number3or4
Contraception should always fall on the partner that wants no more children.

NO the general feeling on MH is that contraception falls on both parties, even if one is on the pill, the man should also take precautions.

In this case the OP KNEW she was in an unsafe situation when DTD but she still went ahead. Not much mention of this when blackening everybody else though.

*PussPuss As far as you're concerned ...
*
What opinion are we supposed to give here? Second-guess someone else's? Be afraid to say what we think because someone will be mean/snide/downright abusive on here?

Yes as far as I'm concerned because I'm not presuming to speak for anyone else. Yes that's my opinion.

I think any OP understands that each poster can only speak for themselves.