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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Break up support thread 3

999 replies

herbsmokedchicken · 20/09/2019 21:01

We’re all still here...

OP posts:
Startingoveragain1 · 28/10/2019 20:22

@jonsnowsghost doll urself up again in a couple of days and leave him to stew! 🤣🤣

Startingoveragain1 · 28/10/2019 20:26

And... yeah... he has started doing my head in. Literally... hes come back from gym all excited about all this crap he's been doing.. i couldnt give 2 fucks atm... run out of fucks to give. And now hes eatin his dinner next to me and he is LOUD! Im fed up of walkin around him and doing 90% of everything that needs doing when i have a more stressful job than his tbh. Put in more hours and do kids and house. Resentment is kicking in.... and its not pretty. I proper roll my eyes after everytime he talks to me. Im sure that will change soon but right now im burnt by all his crap.

Startingoveragain1 · 28/10/2019 20:29

Watch!!!! He has just told me he ia going for a beer with the lads on friday! He has never gone in 3 years! Some work lads are leaving (its happened before) he has never gone. I swear if i was not fed up... im about to join tinder right about now. Fuming!

Startingoveragain1 · 28/10/2019 20:33

I cant even keep a straight face. Good luck to him.

PuffinSock · 28/10/2019 20:36

@Jonsnowsghost that is very interesting...so he has made no contact but looked at your Instagram...nothing like a great pic to ruffle his feathers. In the next one practice a great sincere smile Grin he needs to know you're enjoying yourself, it's very attractive.

@TinselAndKnickers what did he message you about???

@Notcoolmum great thoughts as always, I agree it's so true we are grieving the relationships and men we thought we had, actually they weren't the men we thought they were though!

I've had a crap day, off work and spent too much time alone. I'm definitely better than I was a few weeks ago but I realised it's been over two months since I saw him and several weeks since hearing from him. I'm still NC, no temptation there, but he hasnt bothered to contact me.

I suppose my romantic ego hoped he may have got bored by now, realised he made a terrible mistake going back to his ex and their honeymoon phase would be over. But alas hes just silent and gone. I still miss him and the fun and happiness we had, I need to make more time for dating so I can forget the tosser. Grin

Jonsnowsghost · 28/10/2019 20:55

@PuffinSock like you I have the same romantic ego thing, and I read somewhere that the average rebound lasts 5 months so still wondering....😅 but for now I'm content with keeping the mystery. It's kind of funny though, like if he wasn't bothered he could have seen I'd posted and not clicked on it straight away, maybe wait a few hours. There were two pics and the second was a smiling selfie! As well as a smiling made up pic I posted to my actual account yesterday 😅

And yes the wedding I was trying on stuff for is the weekend after next and I'll be wearing something different to the outfit I posted so I can add more photos!

PuffinSock · 28/10/2019 21:29

@jonsnowsghost ooh that's great, space it apart a few days then post some more photos. His mind will run wild thinking how great you look and wondering if theres a new man on the scene Grin I think we are similar in that there was no 'obvious' reason they went off with someone else. Until a few weeks ago mine was still emailing he loves me Hmm but now silence. I guess I'm silent too. But its heartbreaking they went in the first place. I dont expect or even want to get back together with mine, but it would ease the hurt if he at least wanted to meet and explain/apologise.

Jonsnowsghost · 28/10/2019 21:36

@PuffinSock the only reasons I got were straight out the cheaters script 🤷🏻‍♀️ so nothing really obvious and nothing that actually couldn't have been worked on if he'd only communicated with me about any issues 🙄 I can only console myself with thinking that he won't change and will be his same non communicative, unambitious self and she might get bored of it!

PuffinSock · 28/10/2019 21:44

@jonsnowsghost is he quite a selfish character? I suspect most cheaters are. Has he got a trail of broken relationships too?

The only reasons I got were that he was with his ex several years and he wanted to give it a go with her, he had fallen in love with me but she wanted him back to try again. It did seem like he was genuinely conflicted, but ultimately he chose her over me, which is tricky for self confidence and trust. Plus things seemed to be progressing really well until that moment.

Jonsnowsghost · 28/10/2019 22:32

@PuffinSock no not really, and this was so completely unlike him that it really knocked me for six. He is the last person I would imagine cheating and going off with someone! As far as I know he hasn't had that many relationships. I guess you never really know someone

PuffinSock · 28/10/2019 22:50

@jonsnowsghost that is really odd behaviour then, I'm so sorry you've had to suffer due to it too ☹ do you think one day he will want to contact you to explain more? Or nothing left to say? Maybe the photos will get him thinking about contact

Notcoolmum · 28/10/2019 23:15

@Startingoveragain1 so he's back from his holiday and straight to the gym? How old are your kids and does he do any looking after them. He's winding me up and I don't have to live with him!!

TinselAndKnickers · 28/10/2019 23:37

He messaged me asking about the hospital results etc - when a week ago i told him we can't be friends and he agreed, he was blunt as fuck.

So if we're not friends why message me? The ship has sailed. I wasn't even tempted to be nice!

It was "Hey, just checking if you've heard back from the hospital?" I replied "No, not yet" and he said "Ah fingers crossed still" and I just "liked" the message. It's so weird to not want to talk to him?? I still love him but idk if I can forgive him

Jonsnowsghost · 29/10/2019 05:50

@PuffinSock I know there was some lack of intimacy issues from my side, I'm not a tactile person and from councilling I've discovered a bit more why I can be like that however that is still not to blame for cheating, again we needed that communication if he was feeling neglected, and I probably would have realised sooner rather than too late that that was some of it, not to run off with the first person who was probably all over him.... you read on here people in relationships that haven't had sex or intimacy for years, that wasn't us though as we did right up until the day he went to the gig, there just wasn't a massive amount of kissing/hugging etc in day to day - even though we did like when he left my house etc, and cuddled on the sofa and held hands when we were out or had arms around each other. But he didn't tell me he wanted more!
I'd like to tell him how much I have been working on improving myself etc to work through my issues but I'm not going to break NC

Startingoveragain1 · 29/10/2019 06:53

@notcoolmum yeah... he has stopped doing anythin. He used to do quite a lot around and now its just all about him and how tired he is when he gets back. By the time he is back ive had to feed and put kids to bed so he does fuck all. Kids are 5 and 11. Now he is plannin on goin out friday too. Im already living as a single mother tbh if he was to leave id have a lot less work to do( dinner, laundry, worrying) im stopping doing certain things now. I feel like a maid thats not even appreciated or paid for that matter. I excused him so much with the mh but this is taking the piss.

PuffinSock · 29/10/2019 10:33

@TinselandKnickers I feel frustrated about your situation too! Its like he cant stay away but also he isnt willing to be there properly for you. Is it worth blocking him or you feel that's too much/you'll see him around anyway?

@jonsnowsghost please dont punish yourself over the intimacy thing. It doesnt sound like a big deal and lots of people are like that. All relationships involve a bit of compromise because a partner has different likes/tastes/behaviours. He will find other differences with the new one that he has to overcome, it really isnt your fault. I'm looking forward to hearing of more pictures 😁

Jonsnowsghost · 29/10/2019 10:41

@PuffinSock exactly this. I was so completely devastated when he told me I was the reason because of this because I didn't realise i was doing anything wrong, but again it's the whole rewriting history bit of the cheating script because the more I reflected the more I realised there was some and it wasnt all terrible, not the "none/never/at all" type of things he was saying which is literally a paragraph out of the cheating script!! He said I wasn't close to him at all....erm we did everything together, spoke constantly, always first when there was info to share, he came to all my horse events, we cuddled on the sofa and cooked together, went food shopping etc, I'm not sure what his definition of close is but maybe it's different to mine as I don't think that constitutes "at all", it was more than I did with anyone else!
So yes I've now realised he is following the script almost to the letter and im not to blame, and as I've repeated loads and loads COMMUNICATION IS NEEDED!!
Ha ha, bit of a rant sorry.

I will update on the pictures Grin

Jonsnowsghost · 29/10/2019 10:46

I'll also just add that my first boyfriend who I was with for 4 years was pretty much the same as me when it came to intimacy or being tactile, so that has been my main influence on relationships, with only a short 6 month one a few years before this ex I don't really know any different so was just how i am. But again, if this was a problem (remember, together a year and a half!) That big c word needed to come into play again...

PuffinSock · 29/10/2019 11:27

@jonsnowsghost yes he is just making up excuses to justify what he did. It sounds like you had a very normal amount of intimacy and that it was all going really well! Seems like there can be a lack of responsibility on their part, same as mine being in love one minute then when he ex calls deciding hes confused and has to try again with her...but he will always love me...yeah ok then Confused

Jonsnowsghost · 29/10/2019 11:35

Yes to the lack of responsibility part @PuffinSock. Whilst I think maybe there was less intimacy than some couples (especially reading the thread about kissing!) But also he says he couldn't remember when I last "properly" kissed him, but then I can't remember when he properly kissed me either so I think he actually isn't talking any responsibility for his part in it, and also not finding out if something was wrong if he felt the intimacy drop. I read in here all the time about there being an issue, they talk and the person then either changes or does for a little bit etc. If we had talked about it I absolutely would have made a change, as I have done now (for myself, not him) as I am actually willing to change unlike some you read about on here.

I also think that he doesn't realise his downfalls, he very very rarely complimented me and that's something I like/need too to feel wanted/loved probably like he did with hugging/kissing, I think we were noth as bad as each other really 😅 but it still not to blame.

Sorry for the long rambling posts!

Jonsnowsghost · 29/10/2019 11:36

Your ex just sounds like his head is messed up completely, I think he needs to be single for a while to decide what it is he wants!

Jonsnowsghost · 29/10/2019 11:44

He said I didn't touch him, he is literally the most ticklish person ever so i tickled him all the time as it was funny, we often got into huge tickle fights.. but no I didn't touch him 🙄

PuffinSock · 29/10/2019 12:34

@jonsnowsghost what your ex is complaining about is what almost every couple have once you're in a settled relationship post honeymoon stage...very few people keep up the passion of the initial stage Confused hes going to be disappointed again once the honeymoon stage of his new relationship wears off Wink

I was a bit naughty and had a quick look at the new woman's facebook page. There are some photos of them on the beach but he is wandering off, not posing. Made me chuckle, as there may be a good reason for him not posing, but it did remind me that I'm sure it's not all domestic bliss. I know it's not a competition but I'm feeling pretty happy and going on a weekend away with kids, trying for a job promotion etc.

Jonsnowsghost · 29/10/2019 12:58

@PuffinSock yes!!! I must have said this over and over, this is what relationships tend to go into after the honeymoon phase is over, and it's about being able to move to that next stage. We've always been super comfortable around each other e.g. the first time he stayed over I asked him to stay again the next night as it just felt right and like we fit together and since then he stayed every fri and sat night the whole relationship (aside from the odd night here and there) as we just felt like that was 'right'. Maybe it quite quickly turned into the old married couple stage but I like that, I like being that comfortable around someone. But he obviously prefers the sparks phase, so who knows what will happen...

I love stuff like that with the photos, it feels like a small win. For me it was that when we first got together he posted a load of photos of me on his Instagram (probably all deleted now though, I refuse to check!) But with her he only posted stuff on his stories so the photos would go after 24 hours, although it hurt at the time as it felt like he was showing her off and rubbing it in my face now I think back and laugh because he couldn't add her "permanently" to his instagram 😅 last time I looked at his profile was ages ago though so no doubt there's photos now but it felt like a small victory at the time!

Marie84 · 29/10/2019 20:54

How is everyone this evening? I've been a lot more positive today but then he decided to come over this evening as he needed to pick some stuff up as he hasn't taken all his stuff yet. He ended up staying for a coffee and we did have a good chat. I now feel a little more confused! I don't doubt he still loves me but I just don't know if it's enough anymore 😔 just when things were on the up I feel like I've now come crashing back down 😔