Dh just looks bored and irritated most evenings

[lolaflores]

Dh has a long commute round the M25...the seventh circle of hell.
But, he likes his job and isn't prepared to change right at the moment but its not out of the question currently. 9 times out of 10 he gets home past 8. He leaves around 5.30am. thats a long day. His job is stressful and technical and pressurized. The commute home is never straightforwards.
Most evenings we have about 40 mins to an hour having a bit of a chat and a catch up...after about 30 mins of a chat he just zones out. Looks bored then down right irritated.
He is looking at me but is frankly blank and I get peevish back.
Last night I was talking about what was going on in the appeals about Brexit...not an opinion...just how difficult the language was to follow and what was going on, how much work had gone into preparing both sides.
I paraphrased a bit of it, just to illustrate what I meant and he made this really sarcastic, can't be fucked, remark back. Dismissed me completely. I didn't want an indepth discussion about anyting, it was an observation. At which point I said I needed to have a shower and left him to decompress. I didn't think the conversation was heavy going, and i wasn't moaning or complaining...I was just remarking.
He could see i was annoyed, said he'd thought it was only a funny remark, why was i getting the arse.
Most evenings end like this nowadays.
He wears an expression of barely concealed disinterest and he is itching to get into the front room, shut the door and have a drink. Not loads. not pissed, just his two carefully measured vodkas.
Weekends he is a bit better but during the week we just about civil to one another.
he isn't home for dinner during the week ever.
he sees DD for 15 minutes...if that.
He wants to be the victim though and I get to play the tyrant.
All I want is someone who can tolerate me and he isn't it right now.
Its like living with a piece of wood at the moment

Did you say that he commutes around the M25 by car 7-8pm?

Could you call him then to talk before the grind of that journey?

Do you text in the day? Does he respond?

OP I totally get you. I had this with my exH and it was totally soul destroying. He just shut off from me in the evenings. I had plenty of friends and hobbies but I felt he wanted very little connection. It made me feel lonely and sad. I tried to talk about it with him but he just said he was stressed. Completely out the blue I found out he was cheating on me. I’m not in any way suggesting your H is doing that but the point I’m making is I’m not lonely at all now we’ve split up and I’m on my own

How is his mood on Saturday mornings after he gets pissed on Friday nights? Is he able to bounce back with enthusiasm in the relationship and family life? Does he drink heavily on Saturday nights as well - and does this impact his mood on Sunday?

How is he on Sunday evenings does he preoccupied and down about the arduous week ahead?

He sounds really tired and stressed.

He gets up about 10.00. On a weekend morning. We try to have plans for the weekend but it's usually stuff round the house that always needs doing. I look after the garden. He likes DIY to do it himself and that isnt scintillating let's face it but he finds it satisfying. It gives him great pleasure and I see how pleased he is so we get stuck in together...as much as I can. Holding bits of wood and so on.
. We go out to the countryside try and walk when the weather is forgiving. Doesn't have to be perfect.
By Sunday evening it's all prep for Monday. He isnt anxious as such but his mind is definitely back into work mode

You have a DD. Try not to potter around the house all weekend, have days out together with your child. Get a gardener in if that is sucking away what little time you have. I do not know where you live but facebook groups whats on for children and adults in your area abound I would think. If you are near water enjoy that. If forests enjoy those. National trust. RSPB

Your daughter will be growing up so fast, try to make it as joyful as possible. Make some memories.

www.woodlandtrust.org.uk/

www.rspb.org.uk/

www.nationaltrust.org.uk/

So even at the weekends you're dancing to his tune. He does the garden and DIY, leaving you even less fun time as a couple/family, because he enjoys it. You humour him because he enjoys it and want to do something with him.

So everything is about him. His career that he chooses - both when it meant relocating and you making career sacrifices and now when he chooses to work far away. He's tired so noone can speak to him and you have to hold the fort at home. He enjoys DIY/gardening so that's what you do in your free time.

Spell it out to him and if he doesn't get what should be glaringly obvious then reconsider your relationship

I think that you ought to know that your husband seems stressed out after a long day, work,travel and tiredness and all the rest.He most likely just want's some peace and quiet for a while, winding down as they say.

Honestly to God, if my husband was in that kind of state, I'd move house to be closer to his work, even if it meant downsizing/moving to a poorer area. I'd look at getting rid of extraneous financial obligations as far as possible to have an easier life. Or I'd look at moving the job to be closer. He sounds exhausted, and the behaviour that is resulting is no good at all for your marriage.

All these women who claim they too seek silence. Really? After work every day, you ignore your partner completely, drink two vodkas, then go into another room? So basically only communicate with your partner on the weekend

But he didn’t did he? He’d had half an hour of brexit then lost interest.

The answer to this is what you have already stated OP. His job is killing him. As you are clearly telling him. He bloody needs to listen to that.

OP, I'm quite amazed at your post as I have a very similar problem ATM.

DH is a workaholic, travels loads, does a lot of client entertainment. I am a SAHM who has just started working 2 days a week. Before this I was going completely nuts. At home alone when he was away or out with clients. He gets up at 0500, commutes into London, gets home earliest 7.15pm. If he has to have a late meeting or drink he leaves at 8pm latest and still has a 2 hour commute due to slower trains.

We have massive arguments about him not engaging with me and the DC. The other night DC made a comment about "whether he is here or not it feels the same" which was really upsetting. He has nothing left for me, or has he stopped trying.

Had a massive argument the other day. The issue I have with all the above is the lack of communication. He comes in looking bored, he's snappy, he says he doesn't want any dinner sometimes after I've cooked something lovely, he just goes on his computer all night and barely talks. I interpret this as "I don't really want to be here. You lot bore me. I wish I was out right now in Covent Garden with my workmates chatting up some 20 somethings". I've told my DH he needs to communicate what the F is up as in "DW and DC, I'm really tired, the train took ages and I'm just shattered". We would totally back off and bring him a drink, chill and take a step back.

This thread has made me think that I am BU a bit. I've asked my DH what is the problem, is it me etc. and he swears blind it isn't.

Your DH does have a problem OP but seriously I want you to try something. I am as frustrated and angry with my DH as you are. That said, lately I've spent loads of time on myself. I am more sociable with my friends, I have a p/t job and I take my DC out more. The more I do this, the less I focus on what he is or is not doing. I am trying to give him a bit of space to see if he re-enters our orbit.

I couldn’t survive working those sorts of hours; that’s no life.

Honestly to God, if my husband was in that kind of state, I'd move house

If my DH was permanently in that state I would expect him as an adult to find a solution that worked for him. If that was moving closer to his work I would be happy to discuss this and the impact that would have on the family as a whole, including dc's schooling.
If DH has turned down a decent job much closer to home like this DH has then I certainly wouldn't be disrupting dc's schooling to move.

I used to get the 5.50am train and get back at 7.20pm if no delays. I was up at 5am. It's a killer. It really is. I did it for a year before a job with acceptable money came up locally. I was practically a zombie by then. Get up, get ready, get to work, get home, cook, eat, bath, bed, repeat. I couldn't have coped with someone talking at me for up to an hour as soon as I got in.

This has probably been suggested, but could you move nearer his workplace?

I think the “workaholic” term should be taken as seriously as any other addiction and similar approaches applied.

Most addiction counsellors will say that it is not when/how/what of the substance or habit it is how this impacts on the relationships of the people around them. So in your case his choice is having a massive negative act on you and your DC. The addict is 100% preoccupied with it even when they are not “using” - so in your case evenings and weekends. They therefore are not emotionally available to you. That is the source of your pain, loneliness, dissatisfaction and frustration.

You need to know that YOU didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, or can’t control it. Advice would be to “drop the rope”, stop enabling (doing what he wants), emotionally detach and live your own life. I wonder if he has alway been like this and even if he had a job closer to home he would still be in the office until 8pm.

He sounds v stuck and is not listening to you or prioritising your needs. In fact he is dismissive and obtuse. The only way to test the dynamic is for you to start the change with actions not words. Go out during the week when her returns at 8. Do fun things at the weekend with your DC (who is also tap dancing to this nonsense).

Often an addiction is to fill a whole, numb pain or address loneliness. What was his upbringing like?

Inishoo I absolutely agree. I worked in substance misuse and the behaviour is the same. Whatever feedback the stress is giving him is fuelingnsome of this.
There is adrenaline in the mix and the kind of grandiosity that goes with substance misuse. But, a work ethic is not a social stigma.
He worked in Norway for 18 months..going back and forth and his eyes were opened by their balance of work and life. The office emptied at 4. No one did mental commutes. Men picked their kids up from nursery and read them a story every night. Womens careers were ot as disrupted.
It puzzled him.

Agree it’s not a social stigma - in this country - but it may be in others. There is another thread on here this week about an over exercising DH. The dynamics are the same. The wife and children cut off emotionally and physically and treated badly is devastating.

How would you advise the family of one of your clients?

Bloody hell. Some posters here sound like fucking hard work at the best of times - I wouldn't want to engage with some of them for long after a day at work, either, as even reading the posts after about 9.30pm is tiring.

DIY is great. The stuff needs doing, you see a result at the end, even the thinking is done for you with flat pack or you get into a steady, calm rhythm with painting. It's physical work, no commuting, it's got order and purpose. It makes the home better for those that get to see it outside the hours of darkness. But even that isn't good enough.

Does it sound more acceptable to say that for months, I came home on Fridays and then spent Saturday and Sunday doing the cleaning, washing up, etc? I didn't cook, I didn't make lunches, I didn't do the washing, but every day was either working to pay the bastard bills or housework.

I wonder why it is that those of us who have experienced the seemingly never ending grind of work and financial responsibility whilst there are dependants at home that need it have partners/husbands that get it?

Perhaps because they know what it's like? That jacking in a secure job in the current climate is a risk that's too much to take when there are others reliant upon you. That it might be shit, but it's paying the bills and they can't tell you not to bother coming back without notice? That even if it bloody kills you in the process, you've got to get up, travel, work, deal with shit, travel, get home, rinse and repeat because nobody is going to do it for you? That it's not the other person who is the problem, but if they don't just give you a break, if they don't stop issuing Doomladen prophecies for the end of a perfectly good relationship, just because you're tired and aren't simply thrilled by whatever topic of conversation, that they will become the problem that can be most easily solved?

I think you need to plan, together, a way out of this situation. If not now, then how many years? Can you move nearer or will he be proofed and be able to get a job nearer? Where do you both want to be in five years? If he wants to be int he same place as now, then that’s your cue for a conversation saying you don’t want that. It’s a lot easier to have a really serious conversation about this than it is for you to give ultimatums or be seen as having a go at him. Try to make it a conversation about the positive outcomes and what’s best for you all

Sounds like a nightmare at the moment though and if he won’t talk about it that’s a problem. If he’s just dead beat and can’t engage that’s understandable - but no excuse to refuse to talk when not tired

I honestly can't understand jobs (careers?) that upset work / life balance so much.
I understand nurses etc do 12-hour shifts, but they work 4 days instead of 5, and lawyers, journalists, designers etc who work very long hours when there's a deadline or important event, but working such crazy hours 5 days per week, week after week, surely that is poor time management?
How long actually is his commute?

You deserve basic respect and politeness. I work with cardiac surgical patients on my feet for 12+ hours a shift 3 days a week and I commute 40 minutes each way but I don't come home and behave like this to my husband and son. I'd go mental over this

The commute is around 1 hour 30. If the vagaries of the m25 dont cause havoc. A crash or a closure can add more time. He goes early to miss the rush. Supposed to finish around 4 but that can come and go and hes not finished.
More than likely be v late tonight.
With any addict admittingnitnis a problem is a start isnt it. Ther can be ko movement till that happens.
He does not see his behaviour as anything other than a strong work ethic. Ambitious. Driven...add all the usual adjectives.
He does not hate his job.
He lives and breathes it.
Sometimes I think he has no sense of self outside it which is limiting

Mitzik take a breath. Ok. This isnt an attack on you. And as I said, my DH loves his job. He doesn't hate the daily grind of his job. He accepts the commute because he had the chance of a similar job with a significantly easier journey but turned it down.
All these decisions and choices are his

I have lived and worked in London all my life. Commuted since the age of 20. I know what it does to the soul. I do not live in la la land and demand unicorn rump steak for my breakfast.

@MitziK
Very refreshing.

You do what you have do because you a responsible adult.

If you can't grasp that reality you are just stacking up problems not solving the basic one.

Wise words in deed - not easy to hear though.