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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh just looks bored and irritated most evenings

282 replies

lolaflores · 18/09/2019 15:33

Dh has a long commute round the M25...the seventh circle of hell.
But, he likes his job and isn't prepared to change right at the moment but its not out of the question currently. 9 times out of 10 he gets home past 8. He leaves around 5.30am. thats a long day. His job is stressful and technical and pressurized. The commute home is never straightforwards.
Most evenings we have about 40 mins to an hour having a bit of a chat and a catch up...after about 30 mins of a chat he just zones out. Looks bored then down right irritated.
He is looking at me but is frankly blank and I get peevish back.
Last night I was talking about what was going on in the appeals about Brexit...not an opinion...just how difficult the language was to follow and what was going on, how much work had gone into preparing both sides.
I paraphrased a bit of it, just to illustrate what I meant and he made this really sarcastic, can't be fucked, remark back. Dismissed me completely. I didn't want an indepth discussion about anyting, it was an observation. At which point I said I needed to have a shower and left him to decompress. I didn't think the conversation was heavy going, and i wasn't moaning or complaining...I was just remarking.
He could see i was annoyed, said he'd thought it was only a funny remark, why was i getting the arse.
Most evenings end like this nowadays.
He wears an expression of barely concealed disinterest and he is itching to get into the front room, shut the door and have a drink. Not loads. not pissed, just his two carefully measured vodkas.
Weekends he is a bit better but during the week we just about civil to one another.
he isn't home for dinner during the week ever.
he sees DD for 15 minutes...if that.
He wants to be the victim though and I get to play the tyrant.
All I want is someone who can tolerate me and he isn't it right now.
Its like living with a piece of wood at the moment

OP posts:

PeriComoToes · 19/09/2019 19:14

Just wanted to say what a great post from AutumnFebreeze

Original poster

lolaflores · 19/09/2019 19:32

I am as responsible for my family as much as my DH.
Too feel ignored and dismissed because I would like to have some quality time.e occasionally is not petulant or entitled. It's the basic foundations of a relationship.
Right at this point ot doesn't feel like a partnership.

OP posts:

Inishoo · 19/09/2019 19:34

And yes Autumn Febrezze actions are exactly what an addiction counsellor would advise the family of an addict to do.

AutumnFabreeze · 19/09/2019 20:36

Some of you don't understand why someone would work those hours and do that commute. My DH is very successful at what he does and is a big fish n a very small pond. He gets lots of adulation from his bosses, his clients, his peers and his staff. Before this he had little confidence and self esteem after being brought up by someone very critical. He has told me he loves his job. Quite frankly I think he would pick it over us.

Thank you for the feedback on what I am doing. I'll keep doing it. I certainly feel better about myself.

missyB1 · 20/09/2019 07:31

Being lonely in a marriage is one of the loneliest places in the world to be. It doesn't matter how much of a life you build up with other people outside of that relationship, if you feel lonely in it then that's really shit and it's always with you. A job and a social life won't fix whats going on here.

SantaMonicaZ · 20/09/2019 08:12

I agree with missyb1....a life outside of the relationship is no substitute for an engaged partner. It's soul-destroying.
I decided to make my life about friends, the children an active, healthy social life but it's a bit like a sticking plaster and doesn't address the issue. Problem is that I don't think the issue is clear-cut in your case OP. I don't think that it's just the job/commute.

Original poster

lolaflores · 20/09/2019 08:25

Autmnfabreze your DHs characteristics sound spooky similar to mine. Hyper critical father. DH is a quiet person who doesn't express himself in any other way than how hard he can work and how successful he is seen to be.
It is a function of his ego. It is impossible to untangle it all

OP posts:

AutumnFabreeze · 20/09/2019 12:00

Yep, I agree.

I love my DH very much. I am giving him space to come around from this situation. Meanwhile I will do what I have mentioned above for my own sanity and to show him that the fun still goes on without him.

I am not going to throw the towel in because my DH is a workaholic without giving it a bit of time. We have been through some very rough stuff over the years and came out OK. I am hoping this is one of the road bumps you get in a LTR. We've been together nearly 30 years.

Belfield · 20/09/2019 12:13

I think there is more to this than meets the eye. You have said OP that your DH can leave at 4pm and chooses not to. Furthermore it is an hour and half commute which is not excessive in today's world imo. I think a deeper discussion is required. Is he a work addict or is he actively avoiding home life? Is he definitely in work late? Could your DH harbor some resentment about your life and the fact that you stay at home with your DD. I know you haven't said what age your DD is but based on the fact that you were a single mother and how long you have been with DH I am presuming she is a teenager. Has your DH ever mentioned your life Monday - Friday and what it is like. You have mentioned that you think he sees you as someone else to look after together with his father, DD and sick relative. Is it possible that he does see you this way? Would you consider counselling together. Maybe he is a work addict but maybe he uses work as an excuse to stay away from home and then that he is too tired to avoid conversation. There just seems to be a lot of unsaids and your DH doesn't seem to be opening up at all. I don't think you should be pandering to him, or staying quiet, slippers and baths and all that. There seems to be much more going on.

Original poster

lolaflores · 20/09/2019 13:12

DH had a complex childhood which has left him feeling responsible for the world but doesn't see how that leaves fuck all for us.
His father is difficult. So much that I dont visit now.
DH compartmentizes his life. Doesn't have many friends. Doesn't k ow how to identify stress or have much of a plan if how to deal with it other than shut down or just do more work there by creating more work.
He does not for a minute envy my life. It would not be hard enough or prestigious or big. His ego is big but fragile inside.
As I said. His job is him. He doesn't even particularly enjoy hols and often has hols left over at the end of the year. His work ethic is on a template of his dads and though he acknowledges that, deep down, it's the correct way.
These are the basic blocks from which over time s he has developed into a man consumed by stress. I cant get him to deal with that and threats are meaningless unless I do walk away.
Even at that I doubt hed change. His industry is full of men like him. Many marry women from 3rd world countries as 2nd marriage because it's less complicated. They get foot rubs and nibbles in the fridge upon returning from work which 1st wife wouldn't do so.
And I know this as I've witnessed it.

OP posts:

Inishoo · 20/09/2019 14:14

This is really sad lola and as often said on here - it does explain his behaviour - but of course doesn’t excuse it.

It’s v sad that this pain that you both and your DC have is so unnecessary but importantly it is also unsustainable - and it will end where he is either going to mentally implode, have a catastrophic physical manifestation (heart attack/stroke/cancer) - or you do - or you leave and your family falls apart. Or all of the above - not unlike the end stage of any substance abuse or addiction.

I think it’s all about tackling the root of his psychological issue (NPD DF?) which drives him on. He won’t want to or maybe is unable to see this currently - but maybe this could be unraveled and explored through therapy.

He knows that you are desperately unhappy and I doubt he would commit to individual therapy - but if you demanded he went to couples therapy with you then you may have a chance of opening him up so that he could go on to individual therapy.

justasking111 · 20/09/2019 19:06

My DB married a lovely girl, that marriage collapsed quickly because she expected too much of him. Aspergers very clever but cannot cope with emotions.

He then married a chinese girl he met doing his PHd , she is very clever high up in international finance, but servile. They live happily in China with her mother doing all the foot rub cooking stuff for him.

wonderllama · 20/09/2019 20:35

justasking111 !!! Blimey. Servile? He really needs to feel “in charge” that much!

justasking111 · 20/09/2019 20:50

Not in charge, he just needs calm which she is. Hard to explain it is just the way he is. He becomes distressed by emotional women and has to escape. He did not speak until he was three, did not engage at primary or secondary school as others did, he was a sad little boy. In those days there was no diagnosis of SEN

Original poster

lolaflores · 20/09/2019 22:01

Emotional men arent a problem then. Just the female type?

OP posts:

justasking111 · 20/09/2019 22:30

Now you are being obtuse. Of course there are women with aspergers who find emotional men hard to deal with. Try doing some research.

missyB1 · 21/09/2019 09:48

Labelling a person as “Emotional” isn’t helpful or fair. Most humans feel and display emotions, we shouldn’t insinuate there is something wrong or difficult about that. Most of us want to love and feel loved, that isn’t being high maintenance it’s just being a typical human being.

FloatingObject · 21/09/2019 10:04

He's working long hours and is tired. You don't work and have time on your hands to seethe and blow this into a massive deal when you could just have a word with him.
Your child is a teenager and you're still a SAHM? Doing what exactly?

With all due respect, there are two key things about you that shine through in all your posts:

You are clearly very sharp and intelligent
You are clearly very angry

You mention a few times suspending your career for his.

I think what this is really about is anger towards yourself. I don't think you feel you've lived up to your potential and you feel cheated - you're a smart one, but hes the one with the big career. You thought by giving yours up you would at least have the role of cherished loved wife, but now you don't even have that. So you feel you've been robbed.

This whole situation will pass when you get back to work and talk to him honestly.

Original poster

lolaflores · 21/09/2019 10:31

Floatingobject. That's heartening.

OP posts:

Original poster

lolaflores · 21/09/2019 10:35

Thing is...he chooses this. It isnt foisted on him. He had another option tjay would lessen the stress.
I am bi polar and have physical mobility. It has been hard finding a job that can accommodate that and I am no sprong chicken.

OP posts:

Inishoo · 21/09/2019 10:45

This whole situation will pass when you get back to work and talk to him honestly

Lolaflores has been talking honestly to him for years - he isn’t listening - and worse is being dismissive and obtuse - treating her with contempt. He chooses to prioritise his toxic DF over his wife. That’s a v painful, lonely and unsatisfactory place to be relegated to.

When Lolaflores returns to work - she will be better off initially as some of her superficial emotional needs will be met by the working world. But the basic emotional needs of any marriage won’t be met.

OPs DH will continue on his downward trajectory and the relationship will be even more remote and lonely.

Inishoo · 21/09/2019 10:55

Well done on securing that work - it will be a lifeline to you. Are you worried that DHs current working logistics will undermine your ability to do your new job to the best of your ability as well as keeping the plates spinning at home for your DC?

I suppose it is a given that he will not provide the emotional support that everyone’s confidence needs when starting a new - job - which are much greater for you given the health challenges that you have to accommodate.

Original poster

lolaflores · 21/09/2019 10:56

We r having coffee now and I am trying to approach this in a low key, composed way. I think so far this morning he is aware but Hope's that if he plays nice then I'll shut up

OP posts:

FloatingObject · 21/09/2019 11:14

Try not to presume what he is thinking or feeling. Maybe since things are relatively smooth today and it's the weekend, it could be a good time to have a proper heart to heart?

Original poster

lolaflores · 21/09/2019 11:48

He is being understanding and is downplaying the stress and tells me not to worry. I dont ha e the energy right now to try and express what I feel. I dont want another fight

OP posts:

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