Dh just looks bored and irritated most evenings

[lolaflores]

Dh has a long commute round the M25...the seventh circle of hell.
But, he likes his job and isn't prepared to change right at the moment but its not out of the question currently. 9 times out of 10 he gets home past 8. He leaves around 5.30am. thats a long day. His job is stressful and technical and pressurized. The commute home is never straightforwards.
Most evenings we have about 40 mins to an hour having a bit of a chat and a catch up...after about 30 mins of a chat he just zones out. Looks bored then down right irritated.
He is looking at me but is frankly blank and I get peevish back.
Last night I was talking about what was going on in the appeals about Brexit...not an opinion...just how difficult the language was to follow and what was going on, how much work had gone into preparing both sides.
I paraphrased a bit of it, just to illustrate what I meant and he made this really sarcastic, can't be fucked, remark back. Dismissed me completely. I didn't want an indepth discussion about anyting, it was an observation. At which point I said I needed to have a shower and left him to decompress. I didn't think the conversation was heavy going, and i wasn't moaning or complaining...I was just remarking.
He could see i was annoyed, said he'd thought it was only a funny remark, why was i getting the arse.
Most evenings end like this nowadays.
He wears an expression of barely concealed disinterest and he is itching to get into the front room, shut the door and have a drink. Not loads. not pissed, just his two carefully measured vodkas.
Weekends he is a bit better but during the week we just about civil to one another.
he isn't home for dinner during the week ever.
he sees DD for 15 minutes...if that.
He wants to be the victim though and I get to play the tyrant.
All I want is someone who can tolerate me and he isn't it right now.
Its like living with a piece of wood at the moment

I really don't understand some replies on this thread. Your DH sounds like he's placating you until he gets his hands on his drink - which is worrying in itself - & is totally taking for granted his home/family setup carrying on without his input.

It sounds like you need to sit down (at the weekend!) and tell him you can't go on like this and he needs to either move jobs, reduce his hours or consider moving out. Sounds extreme but your existence sounds miserable

I understand you op.

The issue isn't that you're bored or need entertaining, the issue is that you're losing any connection and intimacy with each other.

My ex used to patronise me similarly. I had friends coming out of my ears and with 4 kids, I was busier than he was. I am working now and it seems like a holiday compared to all those years being a sahm. But like you, I wasn't bored, i just wanted some connection with my partner. After a few years of that, I just disconnected. I stopped trying. I had plenty of people who were happy to talk to me and plenty of hobbies/work/activities. He then started accusing me of having affairs because I had stopped being affectionate or at least instigating it etc.

You can't keep a relationship going when there is no common chat, love and interaction. You then become people living in the same house.

Before kids I had had jobs that did require long hours and commute. Sometimes 7 days a week. I still had time for whoever I was with because cooking together or having a drink together or watching a film together was fun and decompression. And it doesn't have to be every night but enough that it keeps the relationship alive.

OP I would speak to him and try and make him understand that it's coming down to a choice between his career and his marriage. When you two connect you say you have a great laugh, you enjoy spending time together etc and that isn't that easily found. To throw it all away on a job and a schedule that will kill you young is ridiculous. So maybe for now the compromise is that he stays away close to his work for half the week with a view of getting a job closer when possible. And then being able to enjoy your lives together or just life.

I do see both sides of this. Je works a d commutes. I dont. The stresses and pressures are different t but one is not more valid than the other just because of that.
I couldn't do his job no more than he could or would do mine.
I should have a voice

I completely agree.
However you will not get blood out a stone.
In an ideal etc
Some men like to talk after a busy day.
Others not so much.

Most zone out in-front of the TV
But with the person he loves.

You said he s not happy when you leave him be so he obviously wants your company

• just not heavy conversation.

Frustrating as it is you have to let him decompress or will become ill.

He'll be picking up on your understandable resentment which is adding more stress to his life.

He probably feels he's failing you no matter how hard he works.

And yes, for a lot of men self esteem is wrapped up in working and money.

Not great but do you want to be right or do you want to be happy.

You want attention I get that but it doesn't have to be talking.

Great sense fizzy

And robin too talking sense.

It frustrates me that he doesn't see the impact and it's down to me to work out what to do. How to approach him.
How to put our lives into a descriptive passage that he might recognise.
Believe me when I say I dont want a divorce or a husband dead at 55 because of a working style that he chooses.
I want a life too

I used to have a commute like that, years ago. All DH & I did in the evening was eat, have a glass of wine, light a candle and watch a film or TV drama, usually in total silence. I enjoyed it - my day was noisy and packed with meetings and the peace was golden for a couple of hours. But DH was on the same page.

What are your weekends like ? Because if he's checked out of those then you have a bigger problem.

I hate having a big chat when I get in. I feel empty and people out. I like to cook for an hour with the radio and the can just about manage a conversation. Oh is the opposite - loves to have a good chat as soon as he comes in. We talked about it and worked out that I felt more strongly about my preference so he respected that. I’d just talk to him and then see if you can find middle ground?

You've had some slightly odd advice on this thread OP. DH and I were in a similar situation a couple of years ago. You need to talk to him about your current situation but not during the week; at the weekend when you're both more relaxed (if that happens..?). You're not happy with the way things are. You don't feel you're a team. What can BOTH of you do to make things feel more equal and engaged? Does he need to get a different job? Do you need to get a job so he can work less? Can you move house?

Try not to make it an attack on him but a problem you're experiencing in the way your life together is going. If he won't discuss it or refuses to see there is a problem - well, then the problem is bigger than you thought.

I have read the thread and hear you. That's no life for you an DD. He actively chose this, the commute. All of it. Because changing it would look back on his CV. It's selfish, and he's just expecting you to deal. When you go back to work, I'd have a serious conversation. I'm not saying ltb, but you have facilitated his life as it is. It's time he thinks about you as a partner and wife.

Exactly @paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking
Op given your husband silence could be the most loving thing you could do for him right now.

It frustrates me that he doesn't see the impact and it's down to me to work out what to do. How to approach him.

I know.
Dh is like that.

I think as women we can work it out. It's part of our nature as women because when have talents when it comes to child rearing.

Mother Nature just build us different to men.

Both strong but in different ways.

I would have nice nibbles in the fridge, a foot rub, massage, let him unwind. That is a long day. We used to make the most of the weekend. During the week sometimes it was 10pm when he got home so had a snack then bed. I might chat about funny things with the kids, certainly not politics.

silence could be the most loving thing you could do for him right now

Fuck that. Seriously, women are not vessels for men to pour their stress into. Nor are we childrearing machines. Jesus.

Foot massage?
No.
I am really not in a head space to pamper a person who is barely civil at the moment.

lolaflores I hear you too. You are entitled to want a life in which you count as a person and are listened to. All you can do is try to find a time when he IS more relaxed and talk, talk, talk. Or leave him.

Eh? why is this a man v woman thing ? Plenty of women on this thread who've been in the same situation as the DH in terms of commute and not wanting to talk much when the get home.

Its a relationship issue because the OP and her DH are definitely not on the same page and it seems both are resentful.

I had a job which meant evening events, I was not chatty when I got in either. OH understood that thankfully. I would catch up at the weekend though.

This thread is shocking, it's like entering a portal into a Handmaid Narnia.

All these women who claim they too seek silence. Really? After work every day, you ignore your partner completely, drink two vodkas, then go into another room? So basically only communicate with your partner on the weekend?

I don't believe it. This guy is selfish, and it's not OPs job to provide what he needs to chill out.

Honestly can't believe what I've read.

nice nibbles in the fridge, a foot rub, massage, let him unwind

WTF am I reading?

Seriously, women are not vessels for men to pour their stress into. Nor are we childrearing machines. Jesus.

HOW IS WATCHING TV QUITE LY TOGETHER IS DOING THAT ?

Seriously, op is upset and resentful- is that not stressful for dh after is 15 hour day????

There is a lot of people on here who have been married a long time - and been through this.

They know what their talking about.

But like everything else it is just an opinion.

Take it or leave it.

I have been married a long time. I have been through this. I do not think the answer to this problem is silencing yourself.

Simkin that's what I am getting at. My silence is what he wants. I dont wish to remain silent all the time. There are times when I wish to speak but that is dictated by his stress levels.
That is a bit controlling if I am being blunt.
So if I am getting this right, this is the structure :
I am stressed, I am bread winner..you are at home all day not doing the same stressful things at me. therefore, I shall shut myself in the front room, drink vodka and speak to you for a few hours out of 48 that are ring fenced at the end of 5 days.
I will approach this at the weekend with him when he is feeling more relaxed..can't guarantee I am going to be.