Dh just looks bored and irritated most evenings

[lolaflores]

Dh has a long commute round the M25...the seventh circle of hell.
But, he likes his job and isn't prepared to change right at the moment but its not out of the question currently. 9 times out of 10 he gets home past 8. He leaves around 5.30am. thats a long day. His job is stressful and technical and pressurized. The commute home is never straightforwards.
Most evenings we have about 40 mins to an hour having a bit of a chat and a catch up...after about 30 mins of a chat he just zones out. Looks bored then down right irritated.
He is looking at me but is frankly blank and I get peevish back.
Last night I was talking about what was going on in the appeals about Brexit...not an opinion...just how difficult the language was to follow and what was going on, how much work had gone into preparing both sides.
I paraphrased a bit of it, just to illustrate what I meant and he made this really sarcastic, can't be fucked, remark back. Dismissed me completely. I didn't want an indepth discussion about anyting, it was an observation. At which point I said I needed to have a shower and left him to decompress. I didn't think the conversation was heavy going, and i wasn't moaning or complaining...I was just remarking.
He could see i was annoyed, said he'd thought it was only a funny remark, why was i getting the arse.
Most evenings end like this nowadays.
He wears an expression of barely concealed disinterest and he is itching to get into the front room, shut the door and have a drink. Not loads. not pissed, just his two carefully measured vodkas.
Weekends he is a bit better but during the week we just about civil to one another.
he isn't home for dinner during the week ever.
he sees DD for 15 minutes...if that.
He wants to be the victim though and I get to play the tyrant.
All I want is someone who can tolerate me and he isn't it right now.
Its like living with a piece of wood at the moment

Rubish.
People are saying- in their experience it more helpful to be nice to your husband that not.
And 'again' unless you have worked 15 hour days you are not qualified to comment.
Kindness people.

And I understand op be lonely (sahm) been there - but your husband is not here to entertain you.
15 hour days - he'll have an heart attack.

5.40 - just seen dh out the door with a coffee and a kiss.
Back to bed for an hour then off to do my 8 hours.
I'll see him just under 12 hours when we'll both be shattered.
But he's got a good job which we're grateful for.
And the weekend we are together and very much looking forward to a family do Saturday.

Again, I work similar hours but also at night, trying to keep people from dying, typically without eating, drinking or weeing. It is VERY UNLIKELY he works anywhere near as hard as me.....and again, I don’t get to be a jerk.

I also don’t think I’ll have ‘a heart attack’. This is actually pretty normal for many people who work in healthcare or emergency services. Not everyone sits on their bottom in an office for eight hours. If you can’t do it without damaging your family - you need to rethink.

but your husband is not here to entertain you

Is he not? If we take 'entertain' to mean 'have conversations and generally maintain an emotional connection with' then I'd say that's at least partly what her husband is there for. Otherwise what's OP, his live-in nanny?

He's just shattered.
Most people get grumpy when tired.
And the older you get the more tired you get.
People burn out.
I used to work part time - for years and didn't appreciate how tiring full time can be till I did it - (even though I'm only sat on my bum in an office).

And I would like to say thank you to all people who work long hour/ days in the emergency services - they are amazing.

You see, you talk and catch up and after 30 mins he’s had enough? He wants to be left alone?

So he does want to talk, just not for ages?

It’s a bit immature of you to effectively sulk about it and immature of him to pull faces and make remarks to be honest.

Marriage is a partnership ( or supposed to be) in fact any relationship is and if you cannot have empathy for a hard working partner then something is wrong.
Tbh it seems your dh is exhausted and not enjoying his job much. Perhaps you should be trying to help him by giving comfort and trying to find out what is wrong gently. And think how you would like to be treated if the roles were reversed. When you are having to do long exhausting journey's hard and stressful work week in and week out what would YOU want to do when you come home? Talk about bloody Brexit?

After working long days and also sometimes travelling long stretches I am wrung out. I don’t want to listen to DP, every word makes me want to scream “go away!” People need time to decompress. I know it doesn’t seem fair but with the job and commute, unless you move, it won’t change. Keep Brexit chat for a other occasion. You’re both being a bit daft.

Do you want to leave him, OP?

Your H is avoiding intimacy and creating distance. When you try to connect with him, he is cold, disinterested, rude and irritable. He has a 10 minute conversation with his child. After he dispenses with you two, he closes himself off to drink.

Although exhausted, H could certainly show you kindness, interest and affection. That is not asking too much. You are empathetic about his stress and sensitive to his needs. He does not reciprocate, and it sounds like he has emotionally checked out. He pushes you away and makes you feel devalued. You walk on eggshells, feel uncertain, and even hesitate to discuss issues regarding DD.

I would not tolerate being treated with such disregard. DD needs more than 10 short minutes a day with her dad. This is a poor model of relationships/family life for her. You have expressed your frustrations to him, but he refuses to hear you and make real changes. Honestly, I would end this half-marriage.

Agree kalin. When my dd was living with me and pregnant I worked 60 hours a week and she worked 40 right up till 37 weeks. Then 6 weeks after birth after 6 weeks she went back to work. I worked 6-3 pm seven days a week. I then came home and she went to work 4-12 midnight while I looked after dgc. We did that for 5 years. Both if us working and caring for a DC house etc. We never moaned, and both of us exhausted but we still had time to comfort each other and do little things as a sign of support and love. It seems nowadays its me, me, me and my needs first ( sigh).

Me me me?
I stayed at home to look after DD so he could travel and enhance his career. My decision but he benefited. I have had to do a lot of work to get this new job which is a far cry from where I would have been otherwise. But it was for all of us.
We relocated to another country for his career.
I went for all if us.

I am not in a competition to see who is more exhausted or can work more hours here.
To want human interaction occasionally on my own terms is not excessive not unreasonable.

I think some of the high handed responses here about my seemingly over the top demands for my DH to tap dance in nipple tassels whilst reading love poetry are from those who look down on SAHM.
I should be grateful.
Selfless and in awe of his position. Otherwise we'd all be in the workhouse.
Understanding.
I am moaning and chatting inanenly.
Last night was a snap shot of 1 occasion when I simply had enough.
1 night when I wanted and needed to talk, bot just sit alone reading my book letting him unwind.
It is too much is it to need a partners input?
If I should need more than he feels able to give on occasion then I am being unsupportive?
Is that the correct view?
Well I'm fucked them arent I.

He's shattered and his dad is terminally ill, No wonder he doesn't want to chat in the evenings.

I only work part time, no commute, but many evening I just don't want to talk or engage with anyone .... I dream of coming home to an empty house with no one to make demands of me; if that makes me selfish then so be it, I'd rather be selfish than needy and expect my DH to 'entertain' me in the evenings.

Just give him some space and get yourself a hobby so that you are not so focussed on your DH in the evenings.

My DH frequently works away, he will be late home tonight, after leaving at 5am on Monday, there is no way I would expect 'chatting' and 'attention' when he gets home after 9pm, there will be some dinner left for him & then I assume he will unwind on his own in front of the tv & have a shower & go to bed (& no, I don't prepare the shower for him, despite the fact that I was born in the 1950s ).

His dad isnt terminally I'll. A member of the family. Not someone he is even very close to but this person has no kids and there is no one else to do it.
It's hard to look at this expression on someone's face day after day and not take it personally and feel worn down bu the lack of interest

Everything MsDogLady said.

Well I suggest you talk to him properly then. Not when he’s home from a long old day (you decided to be a SAHM??), not when you’re pissed off.

It sounds like you’re both in need of adjusting how you talk to each other to be honest.

I say this as someone who both worked long hours with a long commute and someone who’s done the SAHM bit while DH did the stressful job!

Decided to be a SAHM??? is that surprise at my decision? A question as to the reasons? I dont understand what you are trying to say.

Why don’t you go out when he comes in and find some one other than husband to interact with. I too would find it dull - yes he’s tired but he’s made a choice re job.
Go to the gym, evening class or meet up.
It sounds tough on you.

I still can’t believe some people on this thread, they obviously have NO idea what it’s like to be constantly dismissed by their DH, it is soul-destroying. OP, was this detachment from you quick or gradual? You know there’s a chance it could be someone at work, a change in demeanour and emotional detachment towards an otherwise much loved spouse is a huge red flag. Why WHY did he not take the closer job? Was there a plausible explanation that made sense?

Ragwort did you read that he gets pissed off when she gives him space?

He thought he had not been Iin current job long enough and that it would look bad on his cv...simple as that. Other company not quite the same standing in industry
Similar money and benefits.
In his industry there is band of men pre retirement who just drop dead.
He has talked about it but I think hes one of the ones thinking it wint happen him.
6 men who were senior figures when he started out were dead with in 15 years. Some had had surgery more than once ce but the damage was done.
The evidence ce is there for him
He sees it and there is no dressing it up.

Came back to read more responses and I really do want to bang my head against the wall. OP acknowledges he is tired, said she gives him time on his own and doesn't rush at him as soon as he arrives home. It is fine to be tired or burned down, but she has said he either looks bored or gets snappy when she talks to him or gets annoyed because she doesn't talk to him. She can't win because he isn't telling her what he actually wants from her and yet OP is somehow still wrong because her telepathy is on the fritz.

Again, he chose to stay in this job. Being a stay at home mum is normally acknowledged as being hard and lonely too. I also don't agree things will get better when OP gets to work as then she has to work, do everything else and then still doesn't get to have a conversation with her husband Monday to Friday. If you live like roommates then that is eventually what you become and as I said, if someone is cold and bored for five days of the week, who wants to be loving and sweet for the other two?

He has to change jobs, both for the sake of the marriage and for his own health. At this stage OP I would be suggesting he stays up there in a hotel etc and just comes back Friday evening as he may be less tired and you would get more quality time with less resentment.

Run him a bath ffs

I am a teacher. I talk too much and cannot bear to talk in the evening. He has to think all day. He does not want to hear about Brexit. You just need to give the guy a break or he really will stop coping. It is no life and that is the problem...think about changing where / how you live.

My dh gets up at 4am to get to work. He returns sometimes, if there’s traffic, at nearly 9. Do you know what he does? He wants to talk to me, sit with me, and have a conversation because he misses me and dd. It sounds like there’s something else going on.