C and the (non-existent) FB messages

[JaysusWept]

Morning all.
Can't believe the last thread filled up!
Thanks so much to everyone for all of your responses and your support. It really was invaluable to me.

According to K, M and D, they've had no response from C to their messages asking her to explain what has gone on and why she's been lying. She's seen the messages, but hasn't replied to any of them. I ended up muting my WA chat last night because it was buzzing constantly Did make me wonder if the chat I was exluded from was as busy...

L has told M that she'd believed C, can't believe she would lie about something as serious as this (nothing about not believing I would do such a thing!) and that she needs to hear what C has to say about it. She hasn't attempted to contact me, and I don't want her to. That friendship is over.

I'm wondering what C will come back with now. Part of me thinks she'll just freeze K, M and D out and not even bother to give an explanation, because how could she explain it?
I'm just so relieved that that's it now - they know I wasn't lying. Although I intend to stay friends with K, M and D, I think my friendship with them will cool slightly. They didn't support me when I needed it, and from their responses/reactions, I'm guessing that they were similarly as gossipy and 'excited' with C and L when this was all going on. I'd hoped they were trying not to take sides, etc - but the way they seem to be almost revelling in this now, with the amount of messaging and speculation - I'm guessing they were speculating about me this way?
It's left a bad taste in my mouth.

They sound revolting. Yuk yuk yuk.
You sound so lovely, I’m so sorry this has happened.
Shame on all of them.

Get DD into a new friendship group

No, no, no! These puerile 'friendship groups' are what lead to this kind of crap in the first place. What more evidence than this thread do you need that they are trouble?

Defences up, all 'initials' blocked on social media, nothing more than a cheery 'hi!' when you breeze past, no more engagement. Occasional visits to friends' houses or taking the kids out with another mum. That's the extent of any engagement that should ever be necessary with pre-16 education. As for these wonderful mumsnetters who have willingly offered their friendship to OP, take them up on it! They sound lovely people, and they show how much good can come out of a thoroughly rotten situation. They could end up being invaluable,

And when the coven realize there is no chink in OP's armour and that she's untouchable by them (achievable ONLY via NC on internet or elsewhere), who are the ones who will be 'seriously fucked off' then? Them. That's who. They are the ones who thrive on the drama. If OP fails to provide it, what will they predictably do then? If you guessed 'move onto the next victim', you've won a cookie.

@MarielVanArkleStinks so who do you suggest her DD hangs out with, I'm not suggesting she joins another coven, but she needs to widen DDs social circle.... From what OP has says.... This mostly happened with this group. DD can certainly be friends inside school, noone has suggested otherwise but outside school both OP and her DD need new friends.

I don't think you understand how isolating this is going to be for them both...... All the girls will be talking about what they have done together so by natural selection DD is going to be slowly sidelined...... You must live in a rose tinted world if you don't think this will happen!!!!

Well said Mariel - these 'friendship groups are just herds or packs. Who wants to run with the pack?

combatbarbie growing up, my dm never did a thing to widen our social circle! It was up to us to choose friends and arrange to see them out of school. I think parents take possibly too much to do with arranging a social life for kids. Let it happen naturally and if there is a lack, then step in and fill their time with your own family.

So you were arranging your own clubs and playdates at 8yrs old..... Yeah OK then!!!!

Ds (now age 9) just tells me who is closest friends are and I go with that.

I'm so frustrated for you!!

Is there any chance C's DH could back you up? I'm disgusted with the whole group. What a dumb shower of bitches. So sickening that C is getting away with such outrageous behavior.

@ Glasgow based ladies - someone should start a MN Glasgow thread as suggested earlier, get a play date set up with OP and her DD?? There might be more Glasgow based Mums out there who have suffered with shitty, toxic friends who could do with a nice day out. I'm nowhere near Glasgow I'm afraid.

Anyway I’m interested in whether the H has actually moved out

Oh and that WA group must be dead now anyway (op’s)

Jaysus it's such a sad situation that this doesn't surprise me at all. I am from that neck of the woods originally and the drama that some people thrive on it's nuts. We should have left it all behind in high school but some folk don't have the mental capacity to mature beyond that.

Personally if I was looking at the FB posts from an outsiders view point and knowing the 'issues' that C and her family were going through I'd be thinking 'wow, she looks pretty ok for someone whose friend has been messaging her husband and she's thrown her husband out' I would take absolutely everything that came out of her mouth with a pinch of salt (or a box of Saxa!) You have to trust that you are the good guy here and anyone with half a brain will see through C. She really is living up to the C word. Sit back and watch it all come crashing down around her. Wishing you all the best.

The mothers are already excluding the DD and things are being said at school by K’s DD and this hasn’t even started yet. Jaysus remonstrating with the others means she now has all 5 of them coordinated against her.

She can do as she did before and assume normal rules apply - or she can take proactive steps to emotionally protect her DD.

I lurked on your other thread and cannot believe the behaviour of some “grown” women. I thought the days of dramas and bitchy and generally pulling other women down where gone in your teen years.

I’m sorry this has happened OP. Sounds like now you have to disengage from these people. Sadly they’ve shown their vile true colours.

I hope your dd isn’t too affected and the lies and drama die down. I’d cut all the women out of your life because they’ve utterly crossed the line and hung you out to dry.

Bigblue has said what I was thinking too - it will reduce her credibility with the "my marriage is over" line, having a knees up with her cronies and posting it all over FB.

I have to say that is THE most tasteless thing to do - totally spiteful and vindictive and pretty much tells you all you need to know about their collective thought processes.

Disengage, step back. Don't make any further comment on how you feel as they'll take that back to C and L. There is no way to "win" this - the psychopaths are always steps ahead because they have no moral code, no conscience and absolutely no compunction in going that step too far that no normal person would!

So your only option now is to reduce contact as much as possible, without looking like you've thrown your toys out the pram. So - keep cool and civil with them if they talk to you, don't turn your back or ignore them, but don't invite contact either. Don't comment on WhatsApp to start a conversation - reply briefly and to the point, with no emotion. I don't know whether or not they will contact you again but if they do, they'll be fishing for a reaction.

I'd like to think that at least one of them is feeling uncomfortable about this situation but it seems unlikely, sadly. So cut your losses and cut the adrift as friends.

For your DD - I'm glad that you had a nice evening but now is the time to have a conversation with her about the situation - she needs to know it's NOT her fault in any way that she has been excluded, but she also needs to know that it's NOT her fight either, and she's not to behave any differently to her friends until they start (if they do - not all kids follow their parents' directives).

Although this hasn't exactly happened to me, it did happen to an older friend of mine, when she was in her 50s!! She was a lovely lady, genuinely nice, kind person who would do anything for anyone. She worked in an office in a teaching environment - and then this other woman started work in the office. Within 6 months she'd managed to turn 2/3 of the rest of the staff against my friend, despite them all having known her for ages before and liked her - through petty spite, vindictive acts, claiming that my friend's niceness was "sickly saccharine sweetness that was disgusting to see in an adult woman" and other such things.
It was horrifying that these weak-minded individuals fell under the spiteful woman's spell, absolutely horrifying - and my friend ended up taking early retirement to get out of the stressful situation, despite the management doing their best to support her. Once the damage was done, nothing could ever go back - like the broken plate scenario.

If you don't know it, it's like this:
Take a plate.
Throw it hard onto the floor so it smashes.
Then say sorry to it.
Is the plate whole again?
No.

Once these things happen, it's very rare for them to mend properly.

So sorry for you that this has happened.

Well op theyve shown their true colours now. I would remove myself from the WA groups (no explanation) and remove the bitches and deactivate your fb. You dont need or want to be seeing them brown nosing each other by posting pictures of what they are doing. Be bright and breezy, non committal in the playground. Show them youve moved on. Get to know the other mums and see if they want to go park/soft play/play dates after school. I dont think id be able to stop myself asking the H when i next saw him if he was kicked out - i will bet that he hasnt and knows nothing about it.
What a bunch of bastards 😡

So she's kicked her husband out and is terribly upset, but not upset enough to cancel her fucking cocktail party?!

Her kid's too upset to come to school, but can have a sleepover party?!

Yeah, right.
Other mums will be seeing her facebook and thinking the same thing... I bet you.

combatbarbie it's true. Benign neglect may have been my dm's mantra, or playdates were just not a thing in my childhood. I made two pals and we sorted ourselves out for getting together. A bit of independent thought is all that is needed.

Ah OP, I've been following since the start too and just wanted to add my voice to the support you've had on here.

I reckon there'll be sideline mums who will have always seen this schoolyard clique for what they were and perhaps thought you were too nice / level headed to be part of it.

I think the clique enjoyed the drama the breakdown of your marriage provided them with, and liked the fact they were 'in the know' above other people at your school. They probably also enjoyed playing the role of your 'rescuer'.
But now things have settled a bit in your personal life (and it became clear you are not the kind of person who thrives on drama / bitches about people. Also that you are happy having male friends - even though as you say C'a husband was no more than a passing acquaintance - some women just can't handle that at all) - C and L started moved to oust you. The rest have gone along with it because they are scared of losing their place in the clique too.

When I started the school run I hated it because I felt like I was back at school again with all the popular kids. Plus my DS has SEN and the popular mums definitely didn't want their precious kids playing with him.

It took time but I gradually built up friendships with other sideline mums, we stay clear of all the gossip, drama, competitive parenting, tagging on Facebook #livingourbestlives etc and it's so much better.

See if your DD can join any clubs that have kids from other schools in too to broaden her pool of friends. BFF groups at that age can be tough and excluding anyway.

You sound lovely and worth so so much more than this cliquey group of women.

I think the clique enjoyed the drama the breakdown of your marriage provided them with, and liked the fact they were 'in the know' above other people at your school. They probably also enjoyed playing the role of your 'rescuer'.

Ohh that’s horrific but could well be true.

Vultures.

So sorry OP. I really hope there is no bitchyness when my DS goes to school year but we will see. I can imagine this is awful! I think that C is a narcissist and what she's doing now is her smear campaign as you challenge her with that text. God forbid challenging a narcissist. Be happy now that you know all their true characters and yes distance yourself. C will not be able to contain herself months/years down the line and I bet my house on the fact she will do this again to one of the others. You can just sit back watch and smile from afar. I hope your DD is ok and try involve her with other children outside school. Maybe even a hobby for her to do?

I wonder should the OP just hold out for a day or so and see if D,K or M post on the WhapsApp group - if they don't then ask straight up about last night.

Find out for sure that they have not tacked C on her behavior. It looks like nothing was done but photos are of a very short period of time.

Once you are sure about where they stand then you can let them know what you think of them.

@JaysusWept

Been lurking with fascination as I am definitely on the outside of the Mum-clique friendship groups at the school gates, and by proxy my children have always been excluded too. The latter is the only part that makes me sad. I have to be honest I get a bit of enjoyment (sorry) hearing how fucked up it can all be as those groups do my head in...it’s so high school.

So I guess my advice to you is that this is an opportunity to see things from the other side. If you are distancing yourself from this group, take a look around...are there parents there you’ve never bothered to speak to, the fat lass that no one thinks is worth talking to, the very young parent, the working parent that hardly ever makes it and is riddled with guilt...I bet there are loads of people outside your circle you’ve never thought about...

Otherwise I’d chime in and say the “keep quiet and head held high” thing doesn’t always get the results you want. Silence = guilt in most people’s minds, since most people imagine (wrongly) that they’d go wild defending themselves if they were innocent. So have a think about if you can live with the rumour spreading and most people thinking you are guilty...and you missing the boat to put them right. If not, a middle ground is some sort of clear public statement. You could actually utilise the gossipy woman, send her a message “Thank you for contacting my ex-husband regarding the rumours that have been spread about me, it was kind and considerate of you to make us both aware. We take this seriously of course as these kind of rumours in groups of parents can have a damaging effect on the children involved (Killing her with kindness to get her on your side). I have been aware that this rumour has been escalating for some time. First I received a text message intended for someone else which made little sense, then was accused of messaging another parent’s husband with the accuser alleging that the messages I’d sent had been seen by them. No such messages exist. When I and another parent approached the husband he acknowledged there were no messages and neither he or I had any contact social media. I have had no other involvement with this couple other than to become the subject of rumours during, presumably, a difficult period in their relationship. I am currently considering what legal action can be taken. In the meantime, I intend to continue to keep my distance from this confusing situation and ensure that my child is not adversely affected. I hope you don’t mind me providing clarification. I am happy for you to share this information with others who may find themselves involved with or aware of these rumours. However as I am looking into appropriate legal responses, I hope you’ll understand that I do not wish to discuss it further.”

"I wonder should the OP just hold out for a day or so and see if D,K or M post on the WhapsApp group - if they don't then ask straight up about last night."

But if was the OP's friend and was aware photos had gone on fb after what had happened I'm sure I would have contacted her straight away to firstly warn her and reassure her to play no heed, and secondly to tell her what the hell was going on with C and her DH (appreciate OP said she didn't want to hear any more, but I'd be round with a cup of tea anyway! Not to gossip but just so she knew everything so she could face the schoolrun with all the facts)

But I now feel I'm speculating too much about OP's life which doesn't feel right.

Just know you deserve way better friends than these, OP, they will be out there x

I can imagine C saying ' now I want everyone to put up FB photos so H will see'. They may have complied reluctantly.

These women are no loss to you. Don't be fooled by their fake enquiries as to how you are. That's not coming from a place of concern, but of a ghoulish need to feed the drama and report back to C.

I think the clique enjoyed the drama the breakdown of your marriage provided them with, and liked the fact they were 'in the know' above other people at your school. They probably also enjoyed playing the role of your 'rescuer

K, M, D and L will get the same kick out of watching C’s marriage fall apart. When she doesn’t have the big house, or the disposable income to play Queen Bee, these bitches will drop her like a hot potato. I think I’d enjoy watching that, but it’s a long game. Short term, stop engaging with them.

I think it’s good that you haven’t had this to deal with at school, because you can handle yourself as a confident adult. I feel like I’d revert to an 11 year old if I was being bullied now, and I’m 34. So I don’t think I’d handle things as well as you are.

I’m not close, but I think a local MN meet-up sounds like a great idea.