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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

C and the (non-existent) FB messages

999 replies

JaysusWept · 18/09/2019 09:31

Morning all.
Can't believe the last thread filled up!
Thanks so much to everyone for all of your responses and your support. It really was invaluable to me.

According to K, M and D, they've had no response from C to their messages asking her to explain what has gone on and why she's been lying. She's seen the messages, but hasn't replied to any of them. I ended up muting my WA chat last night because it was buzzing constantly Hmm Did make me wonder if the chat I was exluded from was as busy...

L has told M that she'd believed C, can't believe she would lie about something as serious as this (nothing about not believing I would do such a thing!) and that she needs to hear what C has to say about it. She hasn't attempted to contact me, and I don't want her to. That friendship is over.

I'm wondering what C will come back with now. Part of me thinks she'll just freeze K, M and D out and not even bother to give an explanation, because how could she explain it?
I'm just so relieved that that's it now - they know I wasn't lying. Although I intend to stay friends with K, M and D, I think my friendship with them will cool slightly. They didn't support me when I needed it, and from their responses/reactions, I'm guessing that they were similarly as gossipy and 'excited' with C and L when this was all going on. I'd hoped they were trying not to take sides, etc - but the way they seem to be almost revelling in this now, with the amount of messaging and speculation - I'm guessing they were speculating about me this way?
It's left a bad taste in my mouth.

OP posts:
Inishoo · 21/09/2019 10:22

C is following all of the behaviour traits of someone with NPD - the others L, K, M, D - are her enablers and flying monkeys.

There is only one way to manage these types - it is “grey rock” and either LC or NC.

You have to be breezily indifferent to escape under the radar from their wrath - confrontation sends them into a narcissistic rage - even an eye roll would be provocative.

MarshaBradyo · 21/09/2019 10:23

Yep to last few posts - even though C is not on WA group agree on how to deal with it and the general stop prodding. It will just end up hurting you more than them.

bootsforme · 21/09/2019 10:30

OP I have also posted previous under a different username and have followed the whole thread since you first posted. I am so sorry you have experienced this. It is my firm belief that after everything that has happened that this as a huge learning experience- and indeed I do believe you will look back on this in a few months / year or so and feel glad that you saw C and the others for what they were.

I hope you can read some of the stuff that's been recommended, watch YouTube videos about narcissist 'friends' and keep reinforcing to yourself that this is entirely non-personal and not in any way connected to your behaviour. There are prescribed ways to respond to narcissists when you have to interact with her at school.

Please feel blessed to have discovered that you are not like these women, that you are better because you are real and your authentic self and a great role model for your daughter. Some people will always take advantage of our better nature but we can learn to only focus our energies on people and things that are worthy of it. Your thoughts represent your energy here- you can choose what to think about and if you start having thoughts about C and the others you can just wave those thoughts away because they are not going to bring anything positive to your life. Breathe and rise above all this. Give your energy (thoughts) to your daughter, your sister and your genuine friends and experiences.

Good luck Thanks

ChristmasFluff · 21/09/2019 10:36

Oh, OP, the thing about the smear campaign (and that is what this is) is that it shows you who your friends are (or aren't).

I agree with previous posters who have pointed out that this is what psychopathy usually looks like - not massacres and serial killings, but playing with people and creating drama for fun. C is loving this. The others are enabling it.

The only way out is to go No Contact with her - and what that means is cutting out anyone who has anything to do with her too. this is so that she has no means of finding out what you are doing, and it ends the drama, full stop.

My tack would be to use the 'old' WA group to announce that you are going No Contact with C, and that as such you will not be having anything to do with anyone who still associates with her. Say you are going to assume that this includes them, as they have amply demonstrated where their loyalties lie so far. Those who do not stand by a victim are condoning the abuser. Then leave the group and block them all, on every platform. Ignore them at school.

I've done this - and it is hell. But new friendships will emerge - real friendships. I did have 2 friends who stood with me, so I was better off than you - but I didn't have the whole of Mumsnet! :-)

The truth came out in the end. In the meantime, THIS is what to paste on your FB:

C and the (non-existent) FB messages
combatbarbie · 21/09/2019 10:44

@ChristmasFluff I am sooo passive aggressive with type of stuff and would def post this, OP seems a bit more mature than us though sadly 😜

Original poster
JaysusWept · 21/09/2019 10:51

Hi all. Thanks for all of your messages and support.
I’m sorry that so many have gone through similar things - I really didn’t know that so many grown women could behave like absolute cunts before all this.

Lots of pictures on FB last night of them having a great time, all looking very cosy. I’ve not heard from any of them. So much for their plans to challenge C and get to the bottom of all this Hmm They’re all full of shite.
I agree with the advice about going very low contact and not engaging and that’s what I’ll be doing from now on.

Thanks all so much for the offers of friendship. @Expo I would loved to have come to your party.
I think a thread for a Glasgow/Scotland MN meet up would be a great idea!

I’m sorry that so many people have had such shite friends and similar experiences. I was lucky never to have had any drama like this in school, so it actually has knocked me for six experiencing it in my late 30s. People can be such arseholes.

OP posts:
InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 21/09/2019 10:59

People can be arseholes Op - so sorry you're experiencing this first hand. Low low contact is the best thing to do now. If it weren't for your DD, I'd suggest cutting all contact altogether. It's shocking behaviour for grown women.

Stay strong and rise above as best you can, safe in the knowledge that you're better than all of them. (I'm not Glasgow-based otherwise I'd happily be your friend as you sound like a lovely, normal, level-headed bright woman!).

AryaStarkWolf · 21/09/2019 10:59

Ugh your updates make me so angry, where is the justice? I really hope C does something similar to one of the others so they feel what it's like, what pack of horrible people

Nanny0gg · 21/09/2019 11:01

I think it's really sad that someone you thought you were close to (K) is treating you so badly. And FB makes it so public.

They really are a bunch of cows. (Takes me right back to my schooldays Sad)

You're being very strong about this. I wouldn't be Flowers

BookwormMe2 · 21/09/2019 11:03

I'm so sorry you're being treated like this, OP. I've been following both threads hoping that your friends would come through for you and you'd get the apology you deserve from C, so to read your latest update makes me sad, because these are grown women behaving towards you like this. I honestly think you should disengage completely and leave the WhatsApp group. Whatever they say to you now meaningless, because they've made their choice to stick with C AND they've rubbed your nose in it with those FB posts.

MarshaBradyo · 21/09/2019 11:07

That’s very sad, they feel they’ve been given licence to band together with C. Horrible. I hope your dd can continue to be happy at school and you find some better friends.

Original poster
JaysusWept · 21/09/2019 11:13

The pics on FB will just give gossipy school mum and whoever else may have heard the lies further ammunition. They’ll see that I’m not there and everyone else looking so cosy together.
I’m seriously so fucked off with them all now.

OP posts:
IncogMeToo · 21/09/2019 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Drum2018 · 21/09/2019 11:15

Please unfollow them all on social media. You don't need to see what they are up to, fuelling the drama further. They are now nothing to you. Start talking to dd about other kids in her class today - see who else she may like to hang out with. Then see if you can organise a play date for some day next week. Personally, even if the other bitches M, K, etc asked your dd to a play date I wouldn't need want her spending time in their company, having them quiz her about you.

vavavoomdeboom · 21/09/2019 11:20

I was in a similar situation once many years ago. My closest friend said to me she wasn't going to take sides when the alpha female kicked off and would always be there for me.

I never heard from her again!

Looking back I was quite vulnerable post a bad break up and had fallen into quite a clique group as it gave comfort and normally I would've seen it better for what it was. Maybe post break up you've done the same.

Inishoo · 21/09/2019 11:24

This is shocking behaviour but you need to plan ahead now so that you and your DD are not exposed to anything as it will really hurt you both. It’s all goading now. Hide their posts or unfollow on any social media. Fill your DD life up with other people. Maybe emotionally protect and prepare her by telling her that there is an “adult ishoo” going on and just to tell you if anything is off at school and not to engage or take anything personally.

It is shocking that you have to bring your DD into this but as the others have shown that they are emotionally uncontainable by weaponising their own. daughters already - you need to give your daughter the tools to cope - basically on alert and grey rock and LC the minute she gets a sniff of change - but I think that that has clearly already happened. She needs to elegantly be ready to reverse out of this friendship group and find another as it is logistically unsustainable at this age given what’s gone on with the others.

You are really great and so much better than this lot. There are loads of authentic, kind women who will value and welcome your friendship. So sorry that you and your DD have been wounded.

I think that there would be a great book in this - capturing the “unique” stories each of the MNers who have experienced this alongside the generic sociological pattern that PP have highlighted.

Then it’s a How Too manual for girls of all ages. Maybe even the flying monkeys and enablers would be able to see how damaging their own behaviours and contributions are and maybe then reflect and choose not to get involved.

Bigblue1970 · 21/09/2019 11:24

Surely they can't believe her husband has gone (his choice or hers) and that one day she was so upset and the next day she is partying.

When I found out my husband was having an affair the last thing I wanted to do was have a laugh with my friends!

sheshootssheimplores · 21/09/2019 11:31

Just leave the WhatsApp group OP. They couldn’t give a shit about you and you are just providing them with content to feed back to C.

Lulualla · 21/09/2019 11:36

@JaysusWept
I don't live in Glasgow anymore but I moved to a town in South Lanarkshire just outside of Glasgow! My boys are 8 and 6. I know it's not the same as having a group of girls for your daughter but we would absolutely be up for a meet up!

BookwormMe2 · 21/09/2019 11:40

The pics on FB will just give gossipy school mum and whoever else may have heard the lies further ammunition.

Sadly, I think this true. So as your 'friends' aren't helping, you should speak to the one person who CAN clear your name – C's DH. Next time you see him tell him what's been going on and how upset you are and how you're thinking of seeking legal advice for defamation*. He's the one with the power to put everyone in the playground straight.

*I know you're not, but there's no harm in threatening it.

itwaseverthus · 21/09/2019 11:43

OP the best revenge is living well. Block the lot of them and start your new friendships when the time feels right. Seeing their vengeful posts will only delay you getting over this. I'm a weegie and if all else fails, happy to give them a Bridgeton Kill for you Grin

combatbarbie · 21/09/2019 11:44

So everyone has shown their true colours, i wouldn't even entertain them in playground op, just turn your back on them like they have done to you. Get DD into a new friendship group, hopefully there will be mums in the playground, that whilst have probably heard the rumours, will be more mature than them and know its crazy bullshit..... Even better if they recognise this thread.

Leave the WhatsApp group, nothing can be salvaged from this now. But being me I would bow out in true fashion with the links to these threads and simply say enjoy..... And leave. But I know you probably won't.

itwaseverthus · 21/09/2019 11:45

Bridgeton Kiss even! Killing may be a bit strong Grin

Expo · 21/09/2019 11:46

Any news on the H @JaysusWept

StroppyWoman · 21/09/2019 11:47

I'm so sorry it's all played out like this.

You deserve better people in your life, OP.

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