C and the (non-existent) FB messages

[JaysusWept]

Morning all.
Can't believe the last thread filled up!
Thanks so much to everyone for all of your responses and your support. It really was invaluable to me.

According to K, M and D, they've had no response from C to their messages asking her to explain what has gone on and why she's been lying. She's seen the messages, but hasn't replied to any of them. I ended up muting my WA chat last night because it was buzzing constantly Did make me wonder if the chat I was exluded from was as busy...

L has told M that she'd believed C, can't believe she would lie about something as serious as this (nothing about not believing I would do such a thing!) and that she needs to hear what C has to say about it. She hasn't attempted to contact me, and I don't want her to. That friendship is over.

I'm wondering what C will come back with now. Part of me thinks she'll just freeze K, M and D out and not even bother to give an explanation, because how could she explain it?
I'm just so relieved that that's it now - they know I wasn't lying. Although I intend to stay friends with K, M and D, I think my friendship with them will cool slightly. They didn't support me when I needed it, and from their responses/reactions, I'm guessing that they were similarly as gossipy and 'excited' with C and L when this was all going on. I'd hoped they were trying not to take sides, etc - but the way they seem to be almost revelling in this now, with the amount of messaging and speculation - I'm guessing they were speculating about me this way?
It's left a bad taste in my mouth.

Are you thinking of Softzilla/Party Mum @amiapropermum

I reckon if you say to K and M you are thinking of taking legal action and that you have an appointment with school to discuss what's happened as you are concerned for your daughter in all this then that will definitely get back to C.

I have to say there are some really inadvisable suggestions on this thread. Involving the school (the worst idea of all), sending cease and desist letters, consulting lawyers, remonstrating with idle gossips in the playground, involving C's husband (as if the poor sod doesn't already have enough to put up with), going to people's houses and confronting them, sending angry Whatsapp messages ... stop. Think about it seriously. And then don't. Pursuing these courses is an exercise in sheer futility. These people have heard OP's defence and seen irrefutable evidence of C's BS. And they're STILL not seeing it. They've already regrouped and chosen wilful blindness. They are a lost cause, and every last one of them needs to be binned (especially, IMO, 'K').

It's now not in anyone's interests that this situation is ramped up any further (not least because C et al are clearly thriving on it). It needs diffusing and the heat taken out of it, rather than the reverse. Further angry Whatsapp will only inflame the situation, and if this escalates much further it will possibly end in a brawl. Then it really will make the local or national news and the school will have a major axe to grind with every single person who is party to it. It won't make any difference to them who's right or wrong; the whole lot of you will just look appalling.

I'd be saying no more to these women, removing myself from the Whatsapp group without a word, and breezing past them with a cheery wave at school drop-off/pick up. Bear in mind those well-worn phrases, 'don't wrestle with a pig', 'never argue with an idiot' etc; any of these apply here. I also think preparing DD for some fall-out would be a good idea, as would setting her up in alternative activities and friendships.

I don't disagree that the situation sucks. It's malicious, slanderous bullying, there are some hateful, abusive people out there and it's horrible when you find yourself on the receiving end of their malevolence. But a bit of perspective is needed here. How seriously do you think a lawyer, the school headmaster, the gossipy parents in the PO, the local/national media, etc, are really going to take this stuff?

It's a playground spat. These are supposedly adults.

Withdraw. Unfair though it is, this is the only way you can come out of this mess with your dignity intact.

If you are feeling brave Jaysus I’d be tempted to approach CBBF (C’s Busy Body Friend) at pick up and ask her if she has anything she’d like to ask you herself, rather than your Ex?. Do it in public and see what she has to say for herself, if you’re feeling extra-brave I’d be tempted to loudly say “I am not and never have been having an affair with C’s husband and if you continue to spread malicious gossip about me I will report you to the Police for harassment.”

@PaulHollyWoodsSexGut yes! Another 'C' who targeted that OP and just kept it going. I think the last update was that the police had gotten involved and Softzilla's H had left her due to the crazy carry on. It might be useful to Jaysus to see that she's not the only one targeted like this but also how the situation developed. Will find a link

I wouldn't involve the school, unless something was happening to my DD in school (which it isn't).
The school wouldn't be interested and it's nothing to do with them.
I wouldn't embarrass myself by being that mum.

If they're there, blank them. Turn your back on them. Or better still, tell them to fuck off, then turn your back on them. These people are not your friends. They are now actively part of a plan to exclude your DD and hurt you.

I work in a school and this has absolutely nothing to do with the school. Schools have enough problems dealing with their actual students' friendship problems without having to deal with adults'! What on earth would you say: another mum has been spreading rumours about me??

I really feel for you op but there's very little you can actual do except keep your head held high and ignore the lot if them.

I think I'm just going to speak to K, M and D about how let down I feel by them and then withdraw from the situation.
I've got enough shit going on in my life without being dragged into this.
I don't even want to hear one more word about bloody C and her husband.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.

This is the final Softzilla thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3285793-Soft-and-sneaky-zilla

Similar in that the OP was targeted by another mum who was totally off the wall

Jesus Jaysus I've said it before and I'll say it again I feel for you, so so much, but Kudos for not texting C about how far beyond a joke this has gone and blowing your top, I know I'd have done that by now.

I agree with a final message to your 'friends' and just letting it go. I know at our ages it is so hard to make friends, but rather none than those who will stab you in the back.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Jaysus I don't think you'd be that mum. C might go to the school to say: here is the situation, keeping DD off as trouble at home, trouble is down to Jaysus and I'm just making you aware in case there are issues with the girls.

I'm worried for you that this will continue to escalate. I hope it doesn't

I wouldn't embarrass myself by being that mum.

From your PPs I agree, and apologies if my message came across that way. It was intended for some well-meaning advisers on the thread above, to whose posts I thought I'd offer an alternative perspective!

You clearly have a good head on your shoulders OP and have behaved with impeccable dignity throughout what's turned into a highly undignified debacle. As for C, keeping her kid off school and involving children is the absolute antithesis of that. She's chucked her own dignity to the winds, but you haven't let her do the same thing to yours. Keeping on going to school pick-up, no matter how much you dread it, and letting her be the one who hides away and comes across as an unhinged drama queen is exactly the right way to play it. And it takes real courage too. What's that they say about all bullies being cowards at heart?

I think you should be applauded.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you op. You've handled the situation with dignity and self respect. I can't believe how some people crave drama, what dull lives they must have!
Do you have any plans this weekend?? Is Nando's and cinema trip with DD possible (or something else you can both enjoy?)

Don't shy away from the school run op. It will just make Monday harder.

Nerves of steel and the will of Mumsnet are your friends here

Yes I think going to the school run today is a good idea. Tell that nosey bitch to get her facts straight. Monday drop off will be a stress over the weekend otherwise.
I wouldn't tell the school what's going on been said but you could say your being harassed and lies are being spread and your worried for the impact on your DD. Wishing you the best of luck.

Oh op I am so sorry to read that C has been spreading gossip further that’s appalling what a complete and utter bitch. I do think apart from M, who at least said she’d defend you, the others are either shit friends or just showing an alarming lack of understanding about how this impacts on you.

I agree with your post just upthread saying you’d say something to them but I might add a bit in:

Appreciate you see others as gossiping and that this does no harm however dd’s Dad was approached in the playground, dd could have heard this or other children resulting in dd being upset and potentially bullied by others. This is not acceptable to me. I feel x y z about the accusations made against me. Ive already lost c and l as friend through the lies c has told and I would really appreciate some more support from you all, both emotionally as this is a really trying time for me, but also in defending my reputation....

Fucking hell. I’m honestly trying to imagine how I would deal with this if it happened at my school and I’m honestly got no idea!!!!

It honestly feels to me that a solicitors letter is all you’ve got in your ammunition.

Could you go on the school run with your ex? Present a united front?

@JaysusWept - an author who is mentioned on this site a lot is Susan Forward. She's the one who wrote useful books on how to handle toxic parents or in-laws, but one thing she's an absolute champion of is the art of powerful non-defensive communication. This means you don't defend yourself to anyone, and if they attack you, cut them off at the knees by grey rocking them. It takes a lot of practice as the first compulsion is always to defend yourself or you think you've lost. Actually, she says, the reverse is true and I've found for me that theory really did translate to practice.

I love using the kinds of phrase Forward suggests these in those kinds of situations, and they might be the perfect way of cutting off any crap from D, K, C, L et al, as well as any playground gossips who try to get in on the act. Her list (or some might be my own modifications, I forget which!) includes the likes of:

That's interesting.
I understand.
That's your choice.
Really?
I have nothing to justify or explain.
It’s not my concern how you see me.
I’m sure you see it that way. (My favourite)
I don’t accept your criticism of me.
We owe each other nothing.
This subject is off-limits.
I don’t require your approval.
I’m comfortable with that.
You’re not in my confidence. You have no idea what I think.
Who benefits from your making me aware of this?
I don’t choose to have this conversation.
I have nothing I want to say to you.
And not forgetting the age-old, non apology: 'I'm sorry you're upset!'

etc etc.

I suspect that's the way to deal with people like this coven who thrive on drama. Thought I'd share it, as I found it incredibly useful when I was also on the receiving end of harrasment in the workplace.

Pieces of work like these just will persist on crawling out of the woodwork everywhere ....

This whole situation is crazy, so sorry you have been dragged into it! Hope the school run is uneventful this afternoon.

I would say rope your ex into tonights pick up for moral support.

If you see the woman who aproached your ex this morning, id say what @CaveMum said on her post!

Definitely say what you plan to the three in the playground and then remove yourself from the wa group.

Im getting so angry on your behalf but remember youve done NOTHING WRONG - we will all be standing with you in the playground at pick up tonight op

C is mad! This is all because she sent you a text that was meant for someone else! Now it's all spiralled out of control.

Id be raging if this was me, id be at her door asking what’s going on and why is she doing this . Id take someone with me as a witness and be telling her to stop her lies and drama or you will be taking legal advice about her accusations.

Don’t shy away from school pick up either. Good luck

This is all because she sent you a text that was meant for someone else! Now it's all spiralled out of control.

I was just thinking exactly this. It's weird stopping and thinking back to how it started and how relatively easily it could have been sorted if she wasn't such a prize twunt.