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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

C and the (non-existent) FB messages

999 replies

JaysusWept · 18/09/2019 09:31

Morning all.
Can't believe the last thread filled up!
Thanks so much to everyone for all of your responses and your support. It really was invaluable to me.

According to K, M and D, they've had no response from C to their messages asking her to explain what has gone on and why she's been lying. She's seen the messages, but hasn't replied to any of them. I ended up muting my WA chat last night because it was buzzing constantly Hmm Did make me wonder if the chat I was exluded from was as busy...

L has told M that she'd believed C, can't believe she would lie about something as serious as this (nothing about not believing I would do such a thing!) and that she needs to hear what C has to say about it. She hasn't attempted to contact me, and I don't want her to. That friendship is over.

I'm wondering what C will come back with now. Part of me thinks she'll just freeze K, M and D out and not even bother to give an explanation, because how could she explain it?
I'm just so relieved that that's it now - they know I wasn't lying. Although I intend to stay friends with K, M and D, I think my friendship with them will cool slightly. They didn't support me when I needed it, and from their responses/reactions, I'm guessing that they were similarly as gossipy and 'excited' with C and L when this was all going on. I'd hoped they were trying not to take sides, etc - but the way they seem to be almost revelling in this now, with the amount of messaging and speculation - I'm guessing they were speculating about me this way?
It's left a bad taste in my mouth.

OP posts:
babbydriver · 20/09/2019 12:40

I agree with Paul Hollywood's Sex Gut.......not a sentence I have ever uttered before HmmGrin

Thegrasscouldbegreeener · 20/09/2019 12:43

Op you do have the nuclear option of telling C that you are considering legal advice would she care to join you for a coffee (in a neutral place) to discuss it before you do?

You then have the opportunity to put your side directly to her, and maybe, just maybe there is a chance to stuff this all back into a box before it becomes very serious. You could keep her on topic, and if you can possibly get some confirmation from her that she knows it was not you that was messaging her dh.

There is a slim chance that she will grasp this chance to let the whole thing blow over, or she may not.

Do not allow for any of the others to come. Keep it strictly to the two of you.

You have lost nothing if she doesn't turn up or the conversation goes badly. If you are going to get legal advice/letter drawn up you may as well do it in the full knowledge that you have done everything possible to stop this escalating.

It would be prudent to remind her that you once good friends, and for the sake of the children including hers it might be better to clear the air.

Even in the best case scenario you are unlikely to want to be friends with her again, but you may both agree to leave this where it is, and for the sake of the kids to keep things on an even keel.

If I was you, this is what I would be doing. Having had the chance to really think it through this morning.

If she continued even after our discussion to spread lies and cause problems, it would be at this point I would call my solicitor.

Original poster
JaysusWept · 20/09/2019 12:44

I don't know anything about cease and desist letters. It's not going to stop people having already heard rumours though and thinking badly of me Hmm How much roughly would this letter cost?

I'm absolutely dreading the school pick up today.
DD's dad did say that he could finish work early and do the pick up instead. For what it's worth, he at least believes me 100%! I know he'd say something in my defence at the school gates.
Shame he couldn't have been so supportive of me before, when he was shagging another woman!

OP posts:
babbydriver · 20/09/2019 12:45

And just throwing this out there......what if the school gate shit stirrer has seen this thread and figured out who it's about ? Not that I'm sticking up for C at all but this is all blowing up way bigger than her now.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/09/2019 12:46

This evening, sit down and date and time every incident that you can that relates DIRECTLY to C blackening your name.

Assexgut suggests. This thread is a good timeline reminder for you - go through it and make notes and fully elaborate on the posts you have made here - get every detail you can remember.

And as sexgut also says - DON'T contact or interaction any way with them other than a cool "good morning" sort of way. Keep your cards very close to your chest.

endofthelinefinally · 20/09/2019 12:46

I have only been lurking, but just wanted to say that I agree with others that you should ask for a meeting with your DD's teacher and explain everything.
These women sound extremely immature and exactly the type to involve their children in excluding and bullying your DD. If the teacher is aware, they can look out for any unpleasant behaviour.
I also agree that out of school hobbies and clubs for DD would be an excellent idea because she can have other things to enjoy and new friends.

Spotsandstars · 20/09/2019 12:47

Don't avoid school pick up, that's like admitting guilt. Do go in after collecting your dd to speak to the teacher as this will definitely start affecting your child. The school needs to know that it's got past a silly accusation, its bullying and harassment.

Thegrasscouldbegreeener · 20/09/2019 12:48

I am glad your ex is being so supportive. Shame he was so shit when you were married, but at least he is doing the decent thing now.

I would accept his kind offer to collect dd this evening, you can focus on your next move and do not need the added stress of this development.

Read my post above, and please consider this option. It may save you from going down the legal route.

amiapropermum · 20/09/2019 12:49

@JaysusWept it won't make people unhear the rumours, no, but it could help to prevent it to escalate further. IME you can have a consultation with a solicitor to ask for advice and a letter issued for under £100 but depends on your area etc. It's basically a sterner version of you saying yourself that what's being spread about you isn't true and C needs to stop or you'll have to consider next steps. Having it come from a solicitor makes it more formal.

I wish I could find the thread from last year that was similar to this and escalated in a similar way - it would be helpful to you I think

Original poster
JaysusWept · 20/09/2019 12:50

Forgot to mention earlier that C's DD isn't at school again today Hmm, so at least I wouldn't have to face C or her husband, just the flying monkeys.

OP posts:
Thegrasscouldbegreeener · 20/09/2019 12:51

ami Yes if anyone can find and post the link from the similar situation last year that would help op definitely. I can't find it either, but I am useless on MN. Someone else can help?

Thegrasscouldbegreeener · 20/09/2019 12:52

Why isn't her child in school?

combatbarbie · 20/09/2019 12:52

Don't avoid the school run, but if your ex can be with you, it would probably make you feel less isolated x

PicsInRed · 20/09/2019 12:53

I would do the cease and desist letter...and not only send to all parties who are spreading the rumour (including the friend of C's), I would also post a photo of it on the CLASS what's app and very clearly state that this is slander and you absolutely refute any allegations of involvement with infidelity of any kind. This needs to be very publicly squashed.

Keep moving schools open as a possible last resort - but if it comes to that, you will have bowed out forcefully denying any and all allegations so there will be less ability to claim you were "caught and skulked off".

This sort of thing flourishes in the dark. Open the spotlight and watch them scurry for cover.

TheBrilloPad · 20/09/2019 12:54

A cease and desist letter is pointless if you aren't going to follow through.

So, say she doesn't stop and she tells someone else you have been messaging her husband. Then what? You're going to pay to take her to court for defamation of character and you think all these school mums will stand up in court on the stand as your witness to confirm what was said etc? It's never going to happen. There are no consequences for her not ceasing her rumours, because you'd be insane to start court action if she continued.

Speak to the school through, sure. But cease and desist is silly advice unless you're willing to start a court case over this

1984isnow · 20/09/2019 12:56

I've been lurking from this first thread and what a shit thing to happen to you. Especially your latest update.

Honestly, probably not advisable, but by this point I'd be ringing or texting C and asking her what the fuck she is playing at sending her minions about to tell bullshit tales to your ex. What a knob she is.

Morgan12 · 20/09/2019 12:56

Get yourself on that school run with your head held high!

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 20/09/2019 12:59

Why not tell the others that your are getting legal advice and are looking in to a cease and desist process? Then they will tell c which may encourage her to reach out or at least start being truthful.

BykerBykerOoh · 20/09/2019 13:00

Absolutely what Morgan said. Hold your head up and don’t let those nasty bored bitches stop you. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Original poster
JaysusWept · 20/09/2019 13:00

She's not in school because she's still too upset over the home situation Hmm - whatever that is. C is an even bigger cunt than I imagined if she is making her daughter suffer just to attention seek and cover up her lies.

I'll do pick up. I should see K and M there as well, so I'll be having words with them about this.

OP posts:
YoYoNoMore · 20/09/2019 13:01

OP you have nothing to be worried or anxious about. Go in there with your head held high, ooze confidence, be polite and aloof. And over the weekend, see if you can find a t-shirt that says something like “lock up your husbands” and wear it Monday morning with a big eat shit smile. Mock the accusations and anyone who believes them.

amiapropermum · 20/09/2019 13:03

Monday we'll all rock up to the school run with you wearing t shirts that say #teamjaysus

endofthelinefinally · 20/09/2019 13:06

Tell them you are seeking legal advice regarding slander and defamation of character.