C and the (non-existent) FB messages

[JaysusWept]

Morning all.
Can't believe the last thread filled up!
Thanks so much to everyone for all of your responses and your support. It really was invaluable to me.

According to K, M and D, they've had no response from C to their messages asking her to explain what has gone on and why she's been lying. She's seen the messages, but hasn't replied to any of them. I ended up muting my WA chat last night because it was buzzing constantly Did make me wonder if the chat I was exluded from was as busy...

L has told M that she'd believed C, can't believe she would lie about something as serious as this (nothing about not believing I would do such a thing!) and that she needs to hear what C has to say about it. She hasn't attempted to contact me, and I don't want her to. That friendship is over.

I'm wondering what C will come back with now. Part of me thinks she'll just freeze K, M and D out and not even bother to give an explanation, because how could she explain it?
I'm just so relieved that that's it now - they know I wasn't lying. Although I intend to stay friends with K, M and D, I think my friendship with them will cool slightly. They didn't support me when I needed it, and from their responses/reactions, I'm guessing that they were similarly as gossipy and 'excited' with C and L when this was all going on. I'd hoped they were trying not to take sides, etc - but the way they seem to be almost revelling in this now, with the amount of messaging and speculation - I'm guessing they were speculating about me this way?
It's left a bad taste in my mouth.

Not every experience is the same, but I would like to say as a parent who has been through this, and come out the other side. Please pause for a moment.

Don't not underestimate the power of deescalating this, I didn't and choose the 'ignore it, head high and it will eventually go away' along the very same lines Marie has suggested, sometimes this works, and sometimes it really doesn't.
I choose dignity and silence, and it STILL escalated, it still grew bigger and bigger (because I was not feeding it, others were) and op, believe me you will never be able to shut this down single handedly. So while dignity has its place. It may very well blow up anyway.

Our school would want to know if there was something that will affect the children (the sleepover exclusion would cover this) so I would be talking to them, and asking them to keep a special eye on things. They can't do much, but they can look after dd when you are not with her.

Secondly I would consider speaking to C. I wish I had done this in your situation, I did not and things got worse and worse.
Tell her this situation is unacceptable, ask her to confirm the messages are nothing to do with you, she will find it hard to lie to your face. There also might be an angle to this that you/we can not see. I suggest being the grown up and sorting this out with her, if there is a way forward better to find it now. You always have the legal route if you need it.

Lastly, we don't know for sure the gossipy friend had authorisation from C to say anything to your ex. It may just be that she was busy doing what she does best. So before we decide she is working for C on this, I would wait and see, chances are she was capitalising.

It is entirely possible you can put out the flames with some measured action, and this could be yesterday's news fairly quickly (abeit with new friends for you and probably dd) Looking back if I had tackled the source far quicker, things could and would have worked out differently.

I am sure you are livid, but do not tell K,M etc that whatever you do. I wouldn't say anything to them op. You are just handing them a gift of more gossip.

Absolutely shocking Op. So sorry you're going through this. Totally out of order how they're treating you.

If a friend of mine behaved in such an erratic manner and kept their child off school, then I would consider calling the police to do a welfare check.
She used to be your friend. You’ve done absolutely nothing to her, but she’s directing so much anger at you, and is now involving her child. She might actually need a welfare check; a professional might really need to go and speak with her to see if everything at home is OK.

It just gets worse and worse.

Hoping for a calm pick up for you.

Please please please go and talk to the school.
This is a time you need them to know.

I totally understand grass is greener - having also lived it. I’m just not sure the c will take up the offer.

I asked a mutual friend if the c would consider a face to face to discuss what she thought I’d done. It was met with a flat refusal. As far as she was concerned the matter was finished.... which was interesting as I was still pretty much in the dark about what I was being accused of. That all came out in drinks and drabs to cause the most pain to me as possible....

It’s an option - but it relies on the other party being of reasonable nature - and theres no evidence of that
Hope pick up is bearable and your dd is ok. We’re all with you

Drinks ????? Dribs - where are my bloody glasses

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. YOU'RE A STRING INDEPENDENT WONAN FGS!!!!

YOU CALLED HER OUT WHEN YOU GOT THE FIRST TEXT NOW GO ROUND THERE AND CALL HER OUT ON IT AGAIN

GO ROUND WHEN YOU KNOW THE OTHERS ARE THERE TONIGHT AND SAY AS YOU WERE ALL SUCH GOOD FRIENDS UNTIL RECENTLY, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR IN THEM HEARING WHATS GOING ON.

GO GET YOUR ANSWERS AND DRAW THE LINE.

good luck

💪 STRONG obviously!

God, what a mess!!

My thoughts are:
Do NOT approach C, or go to her house, or anything. She will spin it that you intimidated her and would likely try and get a restraining order against you or something. Really not worth it.

Do NOT contact C's husband under any circumstance. Don't add any fuel to that fire.

Do the school pick up - if you see the busybody gossip, then I think I probably would go over and tell her to keep her mouth shut and stop spreading malicious lies and rumours about you or you'll take it to the police.

With the other 3 - this is the hardest one to deal with but I think probably the best is swift and breezy - "can't stop, got to get DD to X, see you soon, bye". But you've also sent that whatsapp message, so that could complicate things.

Possibly the only thing I would say to the 3 of them in the whatsapp group is to ask them how they would feel if C suddenly started accusing them of such things and turning the rest against them - it doesn't always work, but sometimes it does stop and make weak-headed arseholes go "Oh yeah, that would suck, duh!". Which would be nice, if they at least acknowledged the shit storm that you've been caught in.
But I wouldn't tell them anything about how let down you feel in so many words, nothing that gives them screen shot ammo to use against you. Just leave them to think it over.

I don't know about cease and desist letters but not sure there is much one can do these days for defamation of character - stalking and harassment, yes, but not convinced that defamation of character is still much of a thing. Still no harm talking to solicitor if you can find one of those that does the famed free half hour.

I feel for you, it's fucking horrible. I hope the end of it all comes soon, so this awful feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop goees away!

while i think maintaining a dignified silence is probably the best course of action here, i'm not sure i could manage that.

i would be well shot of L and C, and while it would be extremely tempting to confront C - what if her husband is actually having an affair, and they're splitting? whatever her nasty actions til now, it's not appropriate to go barging in.

i don't think i could hold my tongue with K, M and D though.

i wouldn't be full of self-pity, i'd just coldly call them out on their cowardly acceptance of the ostracising of your daughter. that you expected better from them, and that you altered how you see them (focus on them and their behaviour - not on the impact to you).

even if they don't care, making them squirm for that 5 minutes would give me some satisfaction.

then just crack on with your life, building more healthy, diverse friendship groups for you and your daughter.

good luck op

Go do the pick up with your head held high. If you get looks, look them straight in the eye without any embarrassment or shame. Stare them down. The buggers will look away but your body language has to reflect that you have nothing to hide and are not ashamed or embarrassed. Do the same if you see that nobody is talking to you - act like you don't notice you are standing on your own etc.

Oh fuck this, I would be going batshit at all of them.

Don't go down without a fight, don't let anyone speak to you like this op.

When did we start living in a world where the best course of action was NOT to go up to a supposedly friend and call them out on their shitty behaviour?

Oh I know, it's how it done on Mumsnet- heaven forbid anyone should confront someone just in case they get a court order against you etc. Totally pathetic.

Grown ups go and speak to each other to sort their differences out, not hide behind texts and Mumsnet.

No wonder there are so many keyboards warriors

Yes it seems impossible to know the ‘right’ course of action, and unless you know the individuals personally a judgement call is hard to difficult to make over the internet.
My C would probably have climbed down on reflection, your C clearly didn’t. The opportunity to do avoid a
even bigger problems, it’s probably worth a try, admittedly it may not work.

I can only say what I wished I had done. Head held high will only take you so far, and ultimately it’s the children that will suffer. As adults we can take this with a pinch of salt to a large degree, but for the dc it can spill over into every area of their lives. Not good.

Wow op you certainly have been through the ringer, I think my tipping point would of been my husband getting told I'm having an affair with c husband, I'm afraid it would be handbags at dawn she wouldn't have any hair left. Either that or I'd publicly accost her telling her to pack it in

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

You make very sensible points, but you have to bare in mind how many people are in this thread for entertainment. They're dying for OP to involve solicitors so this thread can do a third and fourth round and they can get vicarious thrills off someone else's drama.

And in the spirit of that I suggest you send C a used condom in a jiffy bag

Just another thought OP, do C and her H have their own cars, just wondering if anyone may have spotted a car missing or actually there?

I'd deliberately turn up to the school run in one of those T-Shirts with the slogan "break up with your girlfriend, I'm bored" or "it's not my fault your boyfriend wants me" but I'm a bitch that way 😂

They're dying for OP to involve solicitors so this thread can do a third and fourth round and they can get vicarious thrills off someone else's drama

Not really, it’s more so the OP can - you know - live her life in peace and bring the bullying to a hard stop.

Un-fucking real! Seriously messed up!

This story is so bonkers, I mean if she genuinely kicked her DH out just to keep up the lie about the OP, then this woman is actually crazy, even if she hasn't kicked him out but is spreading rumours about her own DH that are untrue, what a lunatic

Hope pick-up went ok!

Not really, it’s more so the OP can - you know - live her life in peace and bring the bullying to a hard stop.

Don’t be daft!

If this thread stopped dead here and now and nothing else happened whatsoever, there’d be a hell of a lot of bereft posters. There are a number of people desperately panting for the next instalment.

This is no longer about saving friendships, it's now about saving your reputation. I would look again at the advice from Thegrasscouldbegreener