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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

hubby dating another woman

156 replies

piagenbea123 · 16/09/2019 19:55

Hello

I really need advice, I just don't know what to do

My DH became close friends with a woman from his office about two years ago. About six months ago I found out that he had been lying to me about working over time, he was actually going out with her after work, to places like cinemas and restaurants etc, they were also messaging each other everyday at all hours. I don't mind him being friends with other women but the secrets worry me.

I was very upset abouts the secrets and lies and I have asked him to stop, he told me that it wasn't dating, just two friends having a night out together and that I had nothing to worry about. Maybe I feel worse because we have young DC, no babysitters and are not able to go out in the evening together anymore.

He promised to stop seeing her behind my back and he told her that they had got carried away with their messages. When he carried on going out with her behind my back, I asked him to at least be honest and stop lying to me.

Unfortunately he has gone out to a restaurant and cinema with her tonight behind my back, I don't know what else to do, I have tried talking nicely, I've tried theatening to contact her. I don't think that they have done anything sexual yet. they still seem to be at the dating stage.
I need help, what can I do to stop this going further without making things worse
we have 3 DC and have been together over twenty years.

OP posts:
onlymebutdifferent · 16/09/2019 19:59

You can kick his lying cheating arse out! Have some self respect!

UnicornsExist · 16/09/2019 19:59

If they are just friends I would tell him that there's no reason why he can't introduce you to her and you can't all go out together. If there is anything untoward going on he will squirm and look for excuses to prevent this from happening.

cubed123 · 16/09/2019 19:59

Do you want to stay with him?
How often is he going out with her and how long had this been going on ?

Even if it’s not physical, it sounds like he’s heavily involved emotionally with her. And the constant lying is a huge red flag, what else is he lying about? Does this woman know he’s still very much married to you? If she doesn’t she needs to know! Because you don’t know what he’s been telling her.

I’m so angry for you OP, he’s taking the absolute piss.

GinAndBubbles · 16/09/2019 20:00

Hey, I’m so sorry, you must be feeling pretty shit...

You’re husband is acting completely unreasonably, not only is he continuously lying, he’s opting to spend time 1on1 with another lady. I’ve no idea if anything sexual is there (have an opinion, but let’s stick to facts!), but to me he’s already done enough to loose trust.

My hubby has a mix of male and female mates in work, I’ve always known if he’s out then who he’s with, not through asking, he just tells me without a second though (plus I’m normally invited so pop along as well).

As crappy as it’ll be, I think you need to get some child free time and sit and have a serious conversation. Does he realise what he’s doing, tell him how you feel etc

Personally this would be enough for me to seriously consider calling it a day.

Sending a hug x

Mom2K · 16/09/2019 20:00

To be honest this would be a deal breaker for me. There isn't anything you can do to stop it. You've made your feelings clear and he doesn't care.

I've dealt with similar in the past, and now I'm happily divorced. I couldn't be with someone like this. But ultimately the decision is yours. He won't stop and you will remain unhappy if you stay. Flowers

Original poster
piagenbea123 · 16/09/2019 20:04

thank you for all your messages, the other woman does know that he is married with kids, he doesn't want me to meet her.

OP posts:
lonelyinacrowd39 · 16/09/2019 20:05

He needs a short sharp shock! like his clothes being put into binbags and put outside your front door, and deadlocks on the doors!

He doesn't get to 'date' whilst in a marriage , full stop! The fact he is hiding this from you is because he knows this. Please don't accept this as normal behaviour . You deserve so much more Flowers .

CloudyWithAChance2 · 16/09/2019 20:06

I don't think that they have done anything sexual yet

Why do you think this?

I would be amazed if this relationship wasn’t already physical.

vraimentnul · 16/09/2019 20:07

Even if he hasn't done anything physical he has no consideration for you and is lying. Do you really want to be with someone who's lying, enjoying other women's company whilst you're at home upset looking after his children. He needs to realise what he's got to lose and you need to realise that life will be so much better on your own. I know exactly what it's like to have your emotions completely brushed off and invalidated when you have every right to and it is abuse. Get away op

munzero · 16/09/2019 20:07

He's taking the absolute piss out of you, OP. Is this the only 'friend' he does this amount of 1-on-1 with? It's not on and he knows it which is why he does it behind your back. I'd text him to say you know where he is and if he's not home in an hour to have a very serious talk you'll lock him out.

31RueCambon75001 · 16/09/2019 20:09

Dont argue with him if he tells you they are just friends.
He is taking the absolute piss!!!

Sunflower20 · 16/09/2019 20:10

LTB

MissPepper8 · 16/09/2019 20:12

Wow.. I'd be absolutely fuming right now.. How did you find this out? So I'm going to be honest here, I think there's a lot more going on than he's letting on. If he's hiding tonight from you and has been lying all the long, I wouldn't trust what he's saying right now.

How do you know he's not slept with her? This isn't a group night out with the office this is two people intimately dating, going to the movies and having food together.

It's ultimatum time, I think you need to put your foot down as soon as he gets in, tell him this stops or its the end of your marriage, you're not a door step, he cannot have you at home, feeding and putting your children to bed and out having fun with another woman. I'd even go as far as messaging her now and telling her he's lying to you, spoil his fun and let her know that you know what's going on.

Please stand up for yourself, he's not only cheating on you but he is betraying your children. He should be at home with his family not lying to be with some other woman.

Big hugs, be strong, you are 100% worth more than this and he needs to know x

Doyoumind · 16/09/2019 20:12

I just don't believe this isn't physical. You are fooling yourself. Even if you are right have more respect for yourself than this. Your husband shows you none. You should take control and accept it's over. It's heart breaking but there is likely little else you can do.

TripleSeptic · 16/09/2019 20:13

I am aghast. Even if it is what he says it, the lies are wildly inappropriate. How much time does this involve? How much time to you get to see friends etc? I think he's having an affair in plain sight, and behind your back, what do you think?

31RueCambon75001 · 16/09/2019 20:13

What i mean is, even if they were just friends, which i dont believe, the part of his behavior that he cannot excuse even if they are "just friends' is that he is taking her out and enjoying her company while you are stuck at home minding his kids. You tell him that this obviously upsets you and he tries to make out you are unreasonable / jealous.

I would check in to a hotel for a week. Leave him with the kids.

Anotherdayanothernight · 16/09/2019 20:16

I'm sorry, they are not just friends if he doesn't want you involved.

Bookworm4 · 16/09/2019 20:17

Does he think you’re stupid? 6 months of lying and deceit, doesn’t want you to meet her, it’s more than likely an affair. He’s beyond brass necked to think you’ll swallow his shite. Kick him into touch.

Jaxhog · 16/09/2019 20:18

You can kick his lying cheating arse out!

He's lied to you about his 'friendship', he's spending time and money on his friend rather than his children's mother and he doesn't respect you enough to stop when you asked him to. That she's a woman just makes it 10 times worse. Even if it really is innocent (which I doubt, given the secrecy), she's sucking all the spare life out of your relationship.

GiveMeHope103 · 16/09/2019 20:19

Wow hes in a relationship right in front of your face. He really does think of you as a doormat. The audacity to be on a date with her right now. A deal breaker for sure.

Dawninglory · 16/09/2019 20:19

Sorry OP, but this is not ok. Friends yes but, dinner and cinema sounds like a date. If she is such a good friend of his why does she not babysit for you both, and you and your husband go out for dinner instead ? 😏

Elliemayclampett · 16/09/2019 20:21

Pack his bags

Original poster
piagenbea123 · 16/09/2019 20:21

I've been reading his messages, I don't know for sure that there has been no sex involved, its just the conversations they have don't seem too close, but maybe thats because he knows that I might read them.
thanks for the support, its what I need to hear, as when I try to talk to him he gets defensive about not trusting him.

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 16/09/2019 20:21

Oh my god. I am so sorry if this sounds horrible, but he is treating you like you are a thick piece of shit.

What a pig of a man!!!

Kick his lying arse out. You cannot let him carry on treating you like this.

munzero · 16/09/2019 20:21

What if for all you know he's told her you're living together for the sake of the kids but aren't 'together'? He could be lying to her too. Tell him you want him home. If he doesn't come home, message her.