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Original poster

hubby dating another woman

156 replies

piagenbea123 · 16/09/2019 19:55

Hello

I really need advice, I just don't know what to do

My DH became close friends with a woman from his office about two years ago. About six months ago I found out that he had been lying to me about working over time, he was actually going out with her after work, to places like cinemas and restaurants etc, they were also messaging each other everyday at all hours. I don't mind him being friends with other women but the secrets worry me.

I was very upset abouts the secrets and lies and I have asked him to stop, he told me that it wasn't dating, just two friends having a night out together and that I had nothing to worry about. Maybe I feel worse because we have young DC, no babysitters and are not able to go out in the evening together anymore.

He promised to stop seeing her behind my back and he told her that they had got carried away with their messages. When he carried on going out with her behind my back, I asked him to at least be honest and stop lying to me.

Unfortunately he has gone out to a restaurant and cinema with her tonight behind my back, I don't know what else to do, I have tried talking nicely, I've tried theatening to contact her. I don't think that they have done anything sexual yet. they still seem to be at the dating stage.
I need help, what can I do to stop this going further without making things worse
we have 3 DC and have been together over twenty years.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 16/09/2019 20:22

Your husband has a girlfriend. She is his priority. He cares nothing about your feelings and is making a fool of you.

Get angry and tell him to leave.

OkayGo · 16/09/2019 20:22

I would be fucking done.

Moondancer73 · 16/09/2019 20:23

Wow, why are you even thinking about what to do? Pack his stuff and kick him out. Would you want your children to think this behaviour is normal and acceptable? You need to make a stand and get rid of him

sadmummyatthemo · 16/09/2019 20:25

What a selfish moo this other woman is.

If I had a male friend who couldn't take his wife out on a dinner&a movie date due to lack of childcare I'd be offering to babysit so he could not bloody going out with him myself.

I sympathise with your situation,trust me I understand it only too well.

The fact he hid it from you suggests he doesn't view her as just a friend&although they may not be physically intimate they are emotionally involved and emotional intimacy is hard to let go of.

I don't know what her motive is?,is she involved with someone also?,is she taking advantage of your husband and using him as a crutch?,the likely explanation is that he's having his ego stroked by her and probably enjoys the attention she gives him.

SparklingGin · 16/09/2019 20:25

Get some self respect and kick him out. Do you think he would tolerate it if the roles were reversed and you were going out with a work colleague. Talk about making it easy for him, think of the example you are setting for your children.

Drogosnextwife · 16/09/2019 20:25

You don't stop it going further, you leave his cheating arse to it and get a good divorce lawyer. Good luck OP.

twinnywinny14 · 16/09/2019 20:25

So it’s perfectly acceptable for your DH to go out regularly with another woman ‘dating’ despite her fact that you are unhappy about it and have told him you are uncomfortable with it and on top of that he has lied to you about it when you asked him not? It’s certainly not acceptable and you need to act as such by putting your foot down and not being a doormat any longer

MMmomDD · 16/09/2019 20:26

I think i’d tell him to either invite her to your house so that you can see that they are actually friends. (since Friends aren't hidden from spouses)

Or you go to a solicitor. And he can figure out how he’ll he living with child support for 3 children, possibly less than 50% of family assets; and possibly with spousal support for you.

Alternatively - if he doesn’t like these choices - you tell him that you’ll also be getting a ‘friend’ to go out with. A male one, obviously.
And he will be expected to stay home and babysit once per week or so. You two should take alternate Fridays and Saturdays.

You need to wake up OP.

I do not know how he managed to convince you that his dating the colleague while being married is OK.
If you are de-facto in an open marriage - you need to also reap the benefits.

testingtesting111 · 16/09/2019 20:28

He has no respect for you and is assuming you will allow things to continue as they are

Bodear · 16/09/2019 20:29

OP his behaviour is appalling. Please get angry. Really fucking angry.

I would be.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 16/09/2019 20:30

he told me that it wasn't dating, just two friends having a night out together and that I had nothing to worry about.

He should be dating his wife. Making effort after work to be with his wife, NOT investing all that effort in another woman!

He thinks he can walk on water play with fire and not get burned.

This is a typical example of male privilege. He's enjoying the freedom of being kid and responsibility free after work and getting his ego boosted while you're stuck at home with his children.

The problem is you're sort of stuck. Complain (nag as men call justfied complaints) and she will look all the more appealing. Beg him to stop and you'll just confirm that he has the ability to 'choose' or refuse.

Echo pp. Give him a sharp shock. Bags packed or you and kids go and stay at family or a friends and leave an empty house and a note for him to find after his next date. He needs an ultimatum.

HappyHammy · 16/09/2019 20:32

That sounds really hurtful, how did you find out where they were going out tonight. Hes carried on even though you asked him not to that is so disrespectful. Why cant he spend the money on a babysitter and treat you out to a night out.

Username22344 · 16/09/2019 20:32

He promised to stop seeing her behind your back? Do you have such low self esteem that you would allow him to see her and go out with her????

IdblowJonSnow · 16/09/2019 20:33

She's not a friend op. Sorry.
Please get rid. Spend the eve collating documents/bank statements etc.
Can you lock him out? You've played way too nice for way too long and he knows he can get away with it.
Yes it's possible for men and women to just be mates but not in this situation as you've described it.
Do you work? Are you dependent on this man?

zenasfuck · 16/09/2019 20:35

While he's out with the woman he is having an affair with, pack his bags, copy details of all messages, get all his financial information and clear any joint accounts.

Then when he comes home have the door locked and his stuff outside.

He's having an affair, get him gone

Winterlife · 16/09/2019 20:38

He is dating another woman. That’s why he doesn’t want to meet her.

Your choice of course, but had my husband done this, I’d be giving him a stark choice-her or me.

AdaColeman · 16/09/2019 20:39

I would say that he is having an affair, and you are being far too trusting. He is taking advantage of your incredibly trusting nature.

If she is just a friend. why haven't you met her?

Try looking into his finances, credit cards, etc, where is the money coming from for their outings? Has he had any unusual expenditure, possibly gifts or nights away with her. What do you know about her, is she married, does she have children?

I think he is taking you for a mug, and you need to wake up and look out for yourself.

Orangepear · 16/09/2019 20:41

He's treating you like a babysitter!

MissPepper8 · 16/09/2019 20:43

Yeah if he's as smooth talker as he is to use trying to convince you that they are only friends spending time together.

You have absolutely no idea what he's saying to her, is this his word she knows he's with you and has kids? He could say you are seperatated but living together for the children.

She also could be fully aware and knows not to message him about sex.

Allinadaystwerk · 16/09/2019 20:43

He is having an affair. Sex or not he is having an affair. You don't have to put up with that. How very selfish and disrespect to you and your dc. Get angry and stand up for yourself.

squeakybike · 16/09/2019 20:46

Sorry why isn't he making that amount of effort doing all that with you?

Look at it from that perspective to help you see how wrong it is.

His stuff would be on the doorstep on his arrival home.

squeakybike · 16/09/2019 20:46

PS he's gaslighting you

Original poster
piagenbea123 · 16/09/2019 20:47

I don't work at the moment, I've had a long break to raise kids, so dependent on him

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 16/09/2019 20:47

Sorry but you need to open your eyes here.
It's not 'dating' when he's married to you!
You need to tell him to sling his hook!

BumbleBeee69 · 16/09/2019 20:48

omg he's openly dating another woman.. and now he's told you he'll be even more free to see her... WTAF OP give your self respect a good shake and kick his arse out the door asap. You can do this Flowers

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