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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

hubby dating another woman

156 replies

piagenbea123 · 16/09/2019 19:55

Hello

I really need advice, I just don't know what to do

My DH became close friends with a woman from his office about two years ago. About six months ago I found out that he had been lying to me about working over time, he was actually going out with her after work, to places like cinemas and restaurants etc, they were also messaging each other everyday at all hours. I don't mind him being friends with other women but the secrets worry me.

I was very upset abouts the secrets and lies and I have asked him to stop, he told me that it wasn't dating, just two friends having a night out together and that I had nothing to worry about. Maybe I feel worse because we have young DC, no babysitters and are not able to go out in the evening together anymore.

He promised to stop seeing her behind my back and he told her that they had got carried away with their messages. When he carried on going out with her behind my back, I asked him to at least be honest and stop lying to me.

Unfortunately he has gone out to a restaurant and cinema with her tonight behind my back, I don't know what else to do, I have tried talking nicely, I've tried theatening to contact her. I don't think that they have done anything sexual yet. they still seem to be at the dating stage.
I need help, what can I do to stop this going further without making things worse
we have 3 DC and have been together over twenty years.

OP posts:
areyoubeingserviced · 16/09/2019 22:48

Op, please don’t let this man get away with this outrageous behaviour.

FilthyBiscuit · 16/09/2019 22:56

Restaurants and cinema aren't cheap - he's spending money to be with her that should be going on his kids.
Does that seem ok OP?

ThatCurlyGirl · 16/09/2019 23:10

Oh OP he's being horrible 😔

If you don't make a decision soon then unfortunately you're going to get obsessed with uncovering something "bad enough" to leave if that makes sense.

You'll end up snooping and second guessing everything and then he'll start calling you paranoid / my wife is mental poor me yadayadayada.

Be really pissed off internally while you decide what you want to do and make a plan behind the scenes. Then tell him it's not working and put that plan into action.

You poor thing it's just awful and you are perfectly justified to feel devastated - I don't blame you Thanks

CluelessNewMama · 16/09/2019 23:17

Sorry OP, just reading this is making me feel really sad. DH has close female friends but has boundaries and certainly wouldn’t be going out for dinner and cinema dates with them, an occasional coffee or weekday lunch maybe, and I always know about it/am invited to join. And he only has female friends that he has known since he was a child, I don’t think it would be acceptable for him to be investing time and effort into new female friends.
Regardless of whether your DH and this woman are having sex, I think I would class this as an affair. He shouldn’t be spending his money, time and energy on another woman instead of you and his children. And he definitely shouldn’t be sneaking around and lying about it.
I think you need to collect any evidence/financial records, get some legal advice, and put a proper plan in place to support you and your DC before confronting him.

burnttoastandjam · 16/09/2019 23:35

No, no, no! This is so sad! Do you know exactly where he is?

I would go and introduce myself to her. Maybe pop into work with cake or something and do the rounds of saying hi so she wasn't singled out.

I think that when you kick him out, he will go straight to her and if they haven't already been physical, they will do so very quickly.

Get your ducks in a row, OP.

Pinkbonbon · 16/09/2019 23:57

Agree with everything cluelessmama said. Apart from maybe the confronting him thing. Confronting him is pointless, he knows what he is doing us horrid and hurtful, he just doesn't care because he's selfish and his own selfish needs will always mean more to him than anything else.

sallievp · 17/09/2019 02:39

Please please please find some self respect and dump him! This is not a normal way for a married man to behave.

Zoflorabore · 17/09/2019 05:07

Oh op, this man, your pathetic excuse of a husband is telling you who he is, you need to listen.

He is shagging her 100%, sorry but you seem to need the harsh truth here. You sound like a lovely person but one who just accepts what they’re told. Time to get angry!

So he’s claiming that she doesn’t know he’s married and has children? Why would you keep that from a “friend”? She is not his friend. She is his colleague who is now his bit on the side. Do not stand for this.

What he is doing shows his blatant lack of respect for you, your children and your marriage.
Tell him he can have her, salvage a bit of self respect and get yourself to a SHL ( shit hot lawyer ) and keep any proof you have.

We’re all angry on your behalf. Time to join us.
Imagine if this were your best friend telling you this, you surely would be horrified?

He’s done a number on you. That is not your fault. What you can do now is treat him with the contempt he deserves and begin to build a lovely new life for you and your children, one where you are valued and cherished, as you should be Flowers

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 17/09/2019 05:36

What he is doing isn't right
He isn't treating you and the children as his priority
He is having an affair

TryingAndFailing39 · 17/09/2019 05:41

My first even LTB.

You deserve better than to be treated this way and he sounds like a completely selfish arsehole.
Flowers

flumpybear · 17/09/2019 05:51

Do you live together during the week or does he come home weekends?
It's a bit strange? Surely he should come home and be with his family?! He's shirking his fatherly responsibilities to effectively date someone who isn't his children's mother

Personally I'd be sorting my career out, forcing him to be a husband and father but ensuring I wasn't reliant on him - he's unreliable and a liar

whitebowls · 17/09/2019 05:51

Oh, come on, OP. He should be taking you out to restaurants, cinemas etc, not another woman.
That's so hurtful and completely out of order. He's taking you for a total fool.
You really need to tell him to leave.

Candace19 · 17/09/2019 06:17

@piagenbea123 of course they're dating!! I suppose he also takes you out to restaurants / cinema etc.
How would he feel if it was the other way round ? Would he put up with it ? No of course he wouldn't!

Julianne123 · 17/09/2019 07:34

Why are you even asking for advice on this? Kick his lying cheating sad ass out.if he's done it once he will do it again.gave some respect for yourself.if you are not brave enough to kick him out then don't keep moaning about it.

Blondebakingmumma · 17/09/2019 07:36

This needs to finish. If they are friends then she can come over for dinner and meet you. I suspect they are more than friends, emotional affair at least

madcatladyforever · 17/09/2019 07:43

I have several completely platonic male friends I often go and stay with and go out with and when I was married was always completely honest about.

My friends would often come home to meet exh and became family friends. ExH for other reasons I might add.
If this was above board he would not be lying about it. It's clearly an illicit relationship and he has plenty to hide.
I don't know what you want to do about it.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 17/09/2019 08:02

You say he doesn't want you to meet, has he given you a reason/excuse.

I am quite a relaxed partner. If Dp was lying and keeping his friends away from me I would definitely have something to say!

Out of interest how did you find out he was going cinema tonight? If he knows you have been reading his messages, (I am guessing this as he already knows he was caught lying before) I would probably gain a little comfort that he isn't instantly deleting them. If there was an affair surely his finger would be constantly hovering above delete?

justilou1 · 17/09/2019 08:14

You need to make sure you have access to funds and get out and leave him with the kids for the weekend if you can. Maybe be a little mysterious and unreachable, if possible. Let him know you’re perfectly safe and having a lovely time, thanks. (Go to London and see some movies? Brighton and walk on the beach? Where do you want to go?)

Gazelda · 17/09/2019 08:22

He is being unfaithful. Brazenly.
Please see a solicitor. He doesn't deserve you.

AngusThermopyle · 17/09/2019 08:36

Op, your post sounds familiar, have you posted about him before under a different name?

Alexel · 17/09/2019 08:37

Shouldn't she get more evidence? I spent an extra 4 months in a hellish relationship just getting evidence lol so in court I could write statement, receive his statements of lies saying I'm lying, then I produced video and photographic evidence, let judge see he's a liar, then got told off for withholding evidence and not showing it immediately, but I know doing it the other way I provded he was a liar. I just said "sorry I didn't know that's how things worked" and got everything I wanted in court plus judge threw in extra. Wine

Rainbowssoul · 17/09/2019 09:04

Definitely evidence time so definitely an polite opening message to the lady friend .... I admire your placid character.. you are about to find the warrior in you that you never even realised you had .. if you cant speak up for yourself then replace the thoughts with my children ... my children will not be treated this way , my children will not watch their mummy be hurt and packed into a quiet box called the 4 walls you think are a safety net ,my children will grow up with courage and no right and wrong.... my children will see me smile genuinely again........ use those thoughts and more to fucking slash his pretty picture up ,take control get evidence get what you deserve financially and choose your kids future . Yeah I know there will be shared access but those free days are when you work or socialise or just rediscover yourself. Hope you slept well op Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/09/2019 09:16

Do you have copies of financial documentation? It's time to sort that out - even if you don't want to leave him, there's a good chance he may make the decision for you. Put yourself in the driving seat and get copies of everything you need.

Please don't welcome him back with open arms. He's romancing another woman in front of you. His behaviour is abhorrent.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 17/09/2019 09:27

This is outrageous! Skulking around, lying to your face, dating another woman! He has made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t give a shit how you feel about his behaviour, so you either put up or get rid. His bags would be packed if he were my husband. Dirty, cheating pig.

Wishing you strength OP.

IloveJudgeJudy · 17/09/2019 09:50

I don't often post on this board, but the way he's behaving is disgraceful. You're doing all the grunt work and she's/he's getting to enjoy the good stuf - going out, having fun.

Please threaten, and be prepared, to kick him out. Let him see the consequences of how he's behaving.

Good luck and I hope he sees what he'll be missing if this continues.