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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

hubby dating another woman

156 replies

piagenbea123 · 16/09/2019 19:55

Hello

I really need advice, I just don't know what to do

My DH became close friends with a woman from his office about two years ago. About six months ago I found out that he had been lying to me about working over time, he was actually going out with her after work, to places like cinemas and restaurants etc, they were also messaging each other everyday at all hours. I don't mind him being friends with other women but the secrets worry me.

I was very upset abouts the secrets and lies and I have asked him to stop, he told me that it wasn't dating, just two friends having a night out together and that I had nothing to worry about. Maybe I feel worse because we have young DC, no babysitters and are not able to go out in the evening together anymore.

He promised to stop seeing her behind my back and he told her that they had got carried away with their messages. When he carried on going out with her behind my back, I asked him to at least be honest and stop lying to me.

Unfortunately he has gone out to a restaurant and cinema with her tonight behind my back, I don't know what else to do, I have tried talking nicely, I've tried theatening to contact her. I don't think that they have done anything sexual yet. they still seem to be at the dating stage.
I need help, what can I do to stop this going further without making things worse
we have 3 DC and have been together over twenty years.

OP posts:
Original poster
piagenbea123 · 16/09/2019 20:50

yes squeakybike I think your right, I've started keeping a diary because I've been doubting myself and feeling depressed

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 16/09/2019 20:51

Your not dependent on him especially if you live in england we do have a benefits system which honestly? Is better than being treated like this

Winterlife · 16/09/2019 20:51

Go back to work, OP. The sooner the better. Even if your salary covers just the cost of childcare, it will get you back in the labour force, and not so economically dependent on your husband.

Get your finances in order and throw him out! He won’t have as much time with her when he’s caring for the children 50% of the time.

AdaColeman · 16/09/2019 20:53

piagenbea You will be able to claim maintenance from him, plus a share of any family money/property, plus state benefits, you and your children won't starve.

loobyloo1234 · 16/09/2019 20:53

Oh OP. In the kindest possible way - grow a backbone. He’s making you look like a mug

Whataliberty · 16/09/2019 21:02

You poor thing!! You must be completely heartbroken. I would start to get your finances in order and secure your future for you and the DCs. Do not make yourself available to him anymore. He can start to feel what it's like being left out in the cold. Take care of yourself x

Pinkbonbon · 16/09/2019 21:04

He's a cad op.

He is triangulating you with another woman. To make you feel jealous and 'not enough' for him. And cheating too by the sounds of it. It's actually abuse op. Abusers like to convince you that completely unacceptable behaviour is actually 'normal' and that you are crazy/controlling for thinking otherwise.

There is nothing you can do to change the way he is treating you because you aren't the problem, he is. He only cares about himself and has no respect for you.

The only thing you can do is take back your self respect - and leave.

He probably tells the other woman his marriage is on the rocks and you are only together for the kids. She is being manipulated too.

MissPepper8 · 16/09/2019 21:06

I don't work at the moment, I've had a long break to raise kids, so dependent on him

Ah op, I'm in the same situation as you, I dread if something goes wrong between us I'd be out on my own but if DH ever did this to me I wouldn't stand for it. He should be taking you on dates and he shouldn't be lying to you and your children that he's working.

I've just seen he's made you feel depressed :(, no man should make you feel this way. You deserve so much more, know this.

Get angry, text him to come home. Tell him you know where he is and he's breaking your heart. And if he doesn't come home you're locking him out. Be strong and firm x

Kerry197878 · 16/09/2019 21:09

Why would he choose to spend time ( his spare time with another woman rather than you .. there's no way in this earth I would put up with that ..

Hugsgalore · 16/09/2019 21:13

If it were my husband he'd come home to changed locks and his stuff out in the garden.

He is an absolute prick who is treating you like shit.

You need to realise your self worth her and dump him.

MsDogLady · 16/09/2019 21:14

He promised to stop seeing her behind my back...Unfortunately he has gone out to a restaurant and cinema with her tonight behind my back.

He is a dishonest man who is determined to continue this affair. His word to you means nothing. He feels entitled to lie and cheat.

Vinosaurus · 16/09/2019 21:17

He's having an affair - right under your nose. He's probably congratulating himself for being so clever about it.

user764329056 · 16/09/2019 21:18

How awful for you, I think in your position I’d definitely be separating, he has abused your trust completely, how would he feel if the roles were reversed and you had another man?

Totalbollox · 16/09/2019 21:18

Withdraw all the money from your joint account. And get all your important documents (birth certs, passports for you and kids, car & house documents) and put them somewhere safe, perhaps with a trusted friend?

Find a good family lawyer and get some advice on your financial position. You will be entitled to at least half the house, if not more with 3 young kids.

Once you know where you stand, phone his Mother. Tell her her son is seeing another woman and you need her to come and look after her grandchildren whilst you go and see a divorce lawyer.

And as others have said, bag up his clothes and give them to his Mother or leave on the doorstep for when he gets home from his next “date”. Then change the locks.

You deserve a million times better than this dreadful, selfish cheat. Good luck.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 16/09/2019 21:20

What the fuck? He's blatantly dating another woman, and in fact is on a date right now. Why aren't you angry?

81Byerley · 16/09/2019 21:21

For goodness sake, he's treating you like a doormat! Put his clothes in bin liners and leave them outside your front door for when he gets back from his date with his "just good friend". Don't forget his dirty washing. She can do that for him.

FairyDust92 · 16/09/2019 21:24

What the f*ck! If my DP was sneaking off to the cinema and restaurants with some other women I'd kick his ass to the kirb!
Question yourself.
Why doesn't he want you to meet her? (Clearly shagging)
Why doesn't he take you on date nights? (Pay for a babysitter)
WHY ARE YOU ALLOWING THIS?
I feel angry for you! Sorry OP he's a cunt

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/09/2019 21:24

You can’t make him do anything that he doesn’t want to OP. If he wants to continue this he will do.

What you can do and what you do have control over is how you react to this. You can choose to accept his behaviour, or you can choose not to. What you do is up to you. Personally I’d kick his arse out.

HLJM04 · 16/09/2019 21:25

....doesn't want you to meet get, nor does she know he's married? There's your answer.

It's horrible, and it hurts..but for your own sanity and self respect, end this relationship and don't fall for anymore stories or lies.

Be strong & be brave xxx

HLJM04 · 16/09/2019 21:25

** meet her

carly2803 · 16/09/2019 21:28

oh wow OP - he is absolutely cheating on you!!

time to get some self respect back - bin bag his shit and have it on the doorstep for when he gets home!!

boddtm · 16/09/2019 21:28

Oh this is heartbreaking.
I'm so sorry for you. I think this is one of those times when you have to do something that is potentially scary - whether that's leaving him for a week with the kids on his own while you go and do some thinking of what you want from your life and relationship, or you have to kick him out. Please do not just let this drag on - we're all behind you - but you need to take action in some way to begin the process of regaining any kind of quality of life. Thanks

AnyFucker · 16/09/2019 21:32

Your husband is having an affair in plain sight

Why are you being so passive ?

MMmomDD · 16/09/2019 21:32

OP - with 3 young children, a career break, and long marriage as yours - he’ll have to pay you spousal maintenance while kids are small.
And child support on top of that.
If he realises you mean business - he’ll very quickly realise that his financial situation will quickly change if you divorced him -
So - despite feeling powerless - you actually hold a LOT of power in this situation.
Please go and see a solicitor to confirm your specific situation and lay it out for him.
This is the most ridiculous situation i have seen in a while.

Jellybeansincognito · 16/09/2019 21:32

Op can anyone watch your kids for you so that you can go and wait outside the cinema?

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