hubby dating another woman

[piagenbea123]

Hello

I really need advice, I just don't know what to do

My DH became close friends with a woman from his office about two years ago. About six months ago I found out that he had been lying to me about working over time, he was actually going out with her after work, to places like cinemas and restaurants etc, they were also messaging each other everyday at all hours. I don't mind him being friends with other women but the secrets worry me.

I was very upset abouts the secrets and lies and I have asked him to stop, he told me that it wasn't dating, just two friends having a night out together and that I had nothing to worry about. Maybe I feel worse because we have young DC, no babysitters and are not able to go out in the evening together anymore.

He promised to stop seeing her behind my back and he told her that they had got carried away with their messages. When he carried on going out with her behind my back, I asked him to at least be honest and stop lying to me.

Unfortunately he has gone out to a restaurant and cinema with her tonight behind my back, I don't know what else to do, I have tried talking nicely, I've tried theatening to contact her. I don't think that they have done anything sexual yet. they still seem to be at the dating stage.
I need help, what can I do to stop this going further without making things worse
we have 3 DC and have been together over twenty years.

If this friend was a man would he be spending so much time with him? No he would just go for the occasional drink. It may be that OW doesn't know he's married or he's telling her you have open marriage / wife doesn't understand me crap. Could be she's married /has dp too. Whatever no way a woman would be spending this much time with a man without being interested in other than friends. I feel you being dependent on him. I'd work out your finances inclu what maintenance he would have to give you (maintenance calculator online) and see if you can manage to cope without him. Then out the door for him.

‘What good would waiting outside the cinema do? Confronting him and the woman will just be painted out to be her being 'crazy'’

^ she would have seen for herself their body language, who he was with and she wouldn’t have to say anything to them or even make herself obviously there.
It would have told OP a lot without having to actually have a row or intervene.
Then she could make a decision about her future without being gaslighted.

Or should I say, manipulated’

This is totally unacceptable and actually upsetting. To be so blatant - what a cunt.

Either your going to stay in this marriage and continue to put up with your husband seeing this woman behind your back or your going to leave him. No one on here can tell you what to do in a situation like this at the end of the day the choice is yours. You honestly need to pray about this entire situation and ask God for strength to do whats best for you and your kids.

Wow have my first ever LTB. Now...PICK UP YOUR BALLS AND DEAL WITH HIM.

From previous experience with an ex, your husband is lying.
If it was innocent, why lie? If it was innocent, why can’t you meet her? If innocent, why would a woman knowingly cause issues in a relationship by seeing someone’s husband and not questioning whether you are ok with it?
He’s a liar. If you could trust him, you wouldn’t go through his texts. If I were you, it would be ultimatum time. Stop seeing her or get out.

You honestly need to pray about this entire situation and ask God for strength to do whats best for you and your kids.
Seriously? Not the place to push religion 🙄

OMG! Might as well flap some crystals about! How about offer some practical advice, not your religious agenda!!!

You doing nothing while your husband goes out (at the very least!) with a women he won't let you meet is him having all the fun stuff with his lady friend while you babysit and worse, condone it. WAKE UP! It's clear you're not ok with this so change things. Where is your anger? Start checking bank statements, credit cards, computer/ phone history. Get someone to babysit and 'surprise' him by turning up at his place of work when he plans an evening out with her and tag along (or at least make him think you will). He's walking all over you: fight back and tell him to leave

Op, your husband has invested his time, money and energy in another woman. They are not just friends. If you were his priority he would have stopped when you asked him to, but she is now.
I’m so sorry that he’s such a tosser. You deserve better.
Prepare yourself because this has gone too far and the likelihood is that you won’t be able to stop the inevitable. If you want to try to salvage the marriage, only an ultimatum will do, but I’ve got a feeling he’ll opt out.
I sincerely hope I’m wrong. Be strong and know your worth.

Change the locks. Then he can have the full works. You deserve better

People who are married aren't in a position to go on "dates" with people who aren't their wife or husband. They may well be friends, in which you'll get to know them too but most likely, if they're going on dates, then they're having an affair. If it looks like a duck...

I am so sorry for what you are going through, i hope all the supportive answers help.
I have just found out my husband had been having an affair, after he told me that he just didnt want to be with me anymore 3 months previously. I am sirry to say it is very doubtful he isn't having sex with her, but probably won't admit it until he is found out., its how they work...its calked transference, so they make you feel like the bad one for questioning them.
If you can possibly follow him one evening to get confirmation, as awful as it is, at least you will know.

I wish you well. Xxxx

You need to learn how to love and respect yourself so you find a partner who does too.

This man is at the very least having an emotional affair which is cheating and at most a sexual affair. He has mentally distanced himself from you already.

You wont ever trust or feel confidence with him again. End your own torment and make his respect you.

*him

And by end your torment I mean dump his arse.

OP I am sorry.

Your husband has a girlfriend. They are dating. He is doing it in plain sight.

He is using all the usual 'blindsiding' techniques including trying to make you feel like you are being jealous/possessive unreasonable.

Ask yourself this. If the shoe were on the other foot: So you are going out with a man who you regularly text late at night, to the cinema and for a meal two hours away from home - this is a regular thing - and you are insistent that you don't want your husband to meet him, would be be 'cool' with it?

I have been on MN for 14 years and this is the most blatant 'dating in plain sight' thread I have ever seen. Sorry.

You have been in denial and that's fine but stop now. Time to see it for what it is and decide what you want to do about it.

Girl he is having an affair! He should be going out with you, not another woman!! And I can guarantee 100% that he is either sleeping around with her or at least trying to get into her pants. I don't care how much he swears up and down that they are just friends, he is full of shit! He has already lied any working overtime and he is lying about sleeping with her. Take it from someone who has been on that other side. I realized that I just can't have male co-workers as friends because it ALWAYS leads to them trying to sleep with me. First it's the sob story about how crazy their wife is. Then it's, hey let's meet for lunch, then it's exchanging phone numbers and then they try to get into your pants. I don't sleep around with married men, but I get this behavior from married men all the time! He's playing you for a fool. If he is going out with her behind your back he's crossed a huge line!

Op all I can tell you is my own experience. I'm good friends with a man and have been for over 20 years. We do not sneak around, he does not lie to his wife about me. I spend time with his wife , sometimes without my friend ! The 3 of us have become friends since they got married. This is how a friendship works .
We like the same " geeky " stuff so sometimes I do her a favour so she can have free time and not have to go to museums with him etc!
We do not text constantly or send romantic messages - bleurgh he's like my brother !
The only photos we send each other are of the kids.
Men and women can have platonic friendships and that is what it looks like

Don't change the locks. But do go and see a solicitor tomorrow morning. Tell her what you've told us and get proper legal advice. This is not reasonable behaviour. He is making a fool of you and you're letting him because you're afraid you won't cope without him. Believe me you will cope brilliantly and a few years from now you will be wondering what possessed you to put up with that shit.

If shes his friend only, then why has he not told her he is married with children. That's what friends do! Tell their friend about their life, wife and family. Introduce them if they are very good friends. Not lie to their wife about where or who they are with.

He is stringing her along pretending he is single and he is treating you like an absolute mug.

I have been in the same situation. This is between you and him. Sit down like adults and work things out. It's easy to break but more difficult to build. You have children to consider before you break up your home. Make your decisions only after you have both sat down and talked. Also remember that many people who would like you to separate may be doing so not with your children and your best interests at heart. It's a family matter. Remember easy to destroy much more difficult to build and repair a relationship.

@incence

Respect and trust are also things that can easily be broken. Like, by lying...

I had a good male friend, cinema, meals etc. I suddenly thought to myself, 'the other way round how would I feel?' So I invited my friend round to meet my husband. He stayed a couple of days. My husband knows him now, they are friends by proxy and we are all on the same page -plus I reduced how much I saw of my friend. It wasn't fair.

Your husband is 'having his cake and eating it'. He's treating you like dirt. Only you can decide if this is ok for you. For me, life is too short to be playing second fiddle to another woman.

If you haven't already, OP, screen cap his messages or take pics if they are on his phone, book a good hard as nails solicitor and keep an evidence file as well as find out all of your finances inc his salary and pension. Get your house in order because I think he might be deep in infactuation with his "friend" in which case it's only a matter of time before your marriage falls apart.

Protect yourself and your kids and good luck to you.