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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

hubby dating another woman

156 replies

piagenbea123 · 16/09/2019 19:55

Hello

I really need advice, I just don't know what to do

My DH became close friends with a woman from his office about two years ago. About six months ago I found out that he had been lying to me about working over time, he was actually going out with her after work, to places like cinemas and restaurants etc, they were also messaging each other everyday at all hours. I don't mind him being friends with other women but the secrets worry me.

I was very upset abouts the secrets and lies and I have asked him to stop, he told me that it wasn't dating, just two friends having a night out together and that I had nothing to worry about. Maybe I feel worse because we have young DC, no babysitters and are not able to go out in the evening together anymore.

He promised to stop seeing her behind my back and he told her that they had got carried away with their messages. When he carried on going out with her behind my back, I asked him to at least be honest and stop lying to me.

Unfortunately he has gone out to a restaurant and cinema with her tonight behind my back, I don't know what else to do, I have tried talking nicely, I've tried theatening to contact her. I don't think that they have done anything sexual yet. they still seem to be at the dating stage.
I need help, what can I do to stop this going further without making things worse
we have 3 DC and have been together over twenty years.

OP posts:

squeakybike · 16/09/2019 21:35

@piagenbea123 never doubt yourself. Well done for starting the diary. You have to keep your wits about you. Words don't lie. Date everything too.

Rainbowssoul · 16/09/2019 21:37

What a vile soul .... and you sound like a lovely soul .... show your children how to be lovely and remove the vileness ... I promise it will get so much better and you will know and like yourself again x

lucie8881 · 16/09/2019 21:45

So you confront him, your feeling low as it is, he argues back that you don't trust him enough, she's just a friend, it's all harmless. You start to doubt yourself and he makes out you are being jealous and needy. He works hard to provide for you and the kids so why can't he have a little time to relax??

If any of that sounds vaguely familiar he's attempting to manipulate you so he can continue to do as he wishes and keep you, the dutiful wife, in line.

Even if his version of events were the full truth, all just friends having innocent fun () it still wouldn't be acceptable. It's not on for him to spend so much time, money, energy on another relationship outside his marriage, at the expense of his wife's feelings.

Further to all this he's asking you to trust him when all he does is repeatedly lie?!! Why should you believe a word that comes out of his mouth?

You need to realise his treatment of you is appalling and there is no justification for his behaviour.

Pinkbonbon · 16/09/2019 21:46

What good would waiting outside the cinema do? Confronting him and the woman will just be painted out to be her being 'crazy'.

If I were her though I would fb message the woman 'my partner tells me you and he are friends but I feel as a wife and mother to his three kids, its a bit mortally ambiguous that he meets you one on one and hasn't even introduced us yet. Don't you? So please let me know when would suit you to cone round for dinner' Not to hear what she has to say but just to let her know what he says about her and that you two are still an item.

I mean still leave him obviously but make sure she knows he's a lying sack of shit too.

Winterlife · 16/09/2019 21:48

If OW knows he’s married, she already knows he’s lying.

squeakybike · 16/09/2019 21:49

No, confronting anyone isn't a good idea for her right now. He's filling her head with shit, making her doubt her own sanity and making her depressed.

She needs to start getting herself together and preparing to leave him. It's toxic.

plinkyblonk · 16/09/2019 21:55

He should be taking you as his wife to the cinema or restaurants, not someone from his work.

I think you need to pluck up the courage and leave him. Get your head straight and eggs in a row...find out what you need to do to make sure you can support yourself and get out,

Zerrin13 · 16/09/2019 22:05

I would be fashioning his balls into a pair of earrings then wearing them

Ffs1608 · 16/09/2019 22:11

Wonder how he would react if you were to have a male friend that you dated while he stayed home with the kids? Seems it would be ok in his world......

Original poster

piagenbea123 · 16/09/2019 22:20

the cinema is 2 hours on the train away, otherwise I would have definately gone

OP posts:

Winterlife · 16/09/2019 22:24

OP, do you really believe he’s at the cinema? He’s probably at her place, or in a hotel, shagging her brains out.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Original poster

piagenbea123 · 16/09/2019 22:28

actually good advice pinkbonbon

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 16/09/2019 22:28

2 hours? He's telling you he's gone there to buy himself some time I reckon!

Sorry op - that's really shit.

Minionmomma · 16/09/2019 22:30

This is an emotional affair at the very least. The clue is in the lying. You sound so lovely OP. You deserve so much better than this.

Minionmomma · 16/09/2019 22:30

Find your anger then use it to motivate you to make positive changes

Original poster

piagenbea123 · 16/09/2019 22:31

they arranged on hangouts to go to a restaurant and booked tickets for the cinema

OP posts:

sweetiepie1979 · 16/09/2019 22:31

Oh no I don’t like this I don’t like this at all my stomach is churning for you! Can you please just kick him out!

Savingforarainyday · 16/09/2019 22:31

when I try to talk to him he gets defensive about not trusting him

That's manipulation for you...

OP, you've morphed into his mother. You look after everything at home, he goes out and has a lovely time without you, is secretive, and gets pissed off if you question him.

rededucator · 16/09/2019 22:33

2 hours on the train plus movie time plus dinner? What time are you expecting him home?

HappyHammy · 16/09/2019 22:39

2 hours on the train! Is there any way you can not be at home when he is due back, can you stay with friend of family. I wouldnt want to see him after this sort of night out.

Grafittiqueen · 16/09/2019 22:42

Read up on the 180 on chump lady. You really need shock and awe here if you're going to salvage your marriage. Pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep.

lucie8881 · 16/09/2019 22:43

Is there a reason why he's picked a cinema a 2 hour train ride away? Are you rural?

I was wondering whether it was either to avoid being seen out by friends or family??

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 16/09/2019 22:44

Why do you think he's gone two hours away? He needs a massive shake up along with a kick up the arse! Do you have anyone who can help you in real life piagenbea?

areyoubeingserviced · 16/09/2019 22:44

Your ‘d’h is taking the piss and is making a fool of you

Original poster

piagenbea123 · 16/09/2019 22:45

he works in London which is two hours away from where we live

OP posts:

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