Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So confused as to where this is going

174 replies

Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 00:40

I was in a relationship for a number of years. We always got on really well on a general level we have a lot of shared interests, humour and values, enjoy each other's company. But we always had lots of hang ups around sex...we both hid lots of parts of ourselves to be the perfect vanilla partner. We also or mainly me did a really poor job of communicating at all. Our sex life dwindled to nothing, with there being many occasions where he felt rejected and unwanted and eventually he ended things.

Fast forward a few months and he got back in contact. He was seeing someone else but felt she was second best to me etc. So we agreed to try again. We said we'd take it very slowly, go on dates and talk properly about all these issues. We started about a month ago and up to this weekend had no real physical contact.

On Friday I went to see him for the weekend (he lives a few hours away now but still works near me in the week). I said I felt I was in the friend zone. He admitted he was strugglng to see how we'd restart something physical as he felt very awkward. Anyway we shared a bed cuddled and this led to kissing, some heavy petting etc. So far so good. We spoke about how we wanted to go further the next night and perform oral sex on each other...this was something we never did in our relationship as we both believed the other didn't like it (this wasnt true at all)

On Saturday we went out for drinks. I have lost a lot of weight recently and rarely drink now. I got massively pissed which wasnt intentional at all and when we got home basically passed out. Apparently he tried to go down on me but I was dismissive etc (tbh I dont remember). I get that he was hurt and that it was a massive fuck up by me - I've not been that drunk in about 15 years or more. But now he's saying because this has overtones of how I made him feel rejected in the past he cant allow himself to be hurt.

His solution is that we take sex off the table for an indeterminate period. He says we didn't have sex before so why does it matter? But the point is that this is meant as a new start. I dont want to go back to what we had. And it feels if I agree to this we'll never get a normal physical relationship.

Am I being completely unfair?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/09/2019 00:44

You two are not meant for each other. Things shouldn't be this hard and ridiculous. Walk away and move on.

Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 00:48

Really?

I think that any good relationship requires effort and work from both sides. He has said he feels now we are able to communicate the only issue is sex. Aside from that he has no reservations about our future.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/09/2019 00:55

This is not a "good" relationship. It wasn't the first time you tried.

30to50FeralHogs · 16/09/2019 00:56

think that any good relationship requires effort and work from both sides

Not from day one!! Obviously if you’re with someone for years there will be times you have to compromise and sacrifice etc but it was your lack of communication which caused previous issues, and it seems that this time around you’re still not on the same page sexually, with him unilaterally deciding when sex is on/off the table, attempting oral on you when you’re too drunk to even remember it happening.

You don’t sound compatible in many ways, cut your losses and find someone who’s less hard work!

Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 01:03

We were together for a number of years previously. The issues built up over time and because I wasn't really equipped to discuss them they didn't get resolved.

We were both in agreement on Friday/ Saturday as to what we wanted. It is only now after I let him down that he's come up with this idea which isn't what we discussed before nor is it what I want.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 16/09/2019 01:15

This just sounds very complicated and overthought. Also forced.
It seems that you are ‘meant for each other’ on paper - with similar interests and humour and values.
So both of you have this need to make it work.
But you don’t fit on a basic physical level. And that can’t really be fixed by a power of the mind.
When a couple stops having sex for a while - it’s very hard to get any sort of good physical relationship back.
What you are describing is hard remedial work. Not sure why it needs to be that hard.
There are other men out there.

Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 05:06

I've no interest in other men. I don't find anyone as attractive on any level (physical/ emotional/ intellectual) as I do him. And it's the same for him. We didn't have sex for tbe last 3-4 months of our relationship and before that for a long time it was just once every 6 weeks or so. I have seen many tnreads on here where couples didn't have sex for years and were able to recover from it. I get that isn't true dor every couple though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 05:13

Also mostly when couples stop havong sex it is because one of them either doesn't feel that attraction or doesn't want sex. But we always wanted sex the problem was we were sp bad at communicating with each other that we didn't know that. We have both really tried to improve our communication which is why the events of Saturday feel like such a blow.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/09/2019 06:14

I have my doubts that it was just a communication issue. Seems to me he's unusually eager to take sex off the table (and make it your fault). I think maybe he's got some issue around sex, and it's quite convenient for him to have an out.

Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 08:30

Yes he does have issues around sex, he had kind of a Madonna/ whore thing going on which arose or was furthered by him thinking i didnt like sex. We've now talked that through a lot and it's less of a problem.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 16/09/2019 09:38

How long have you been together? And do you have children?
OP - some time people fix sex issues in relationships. Mostly - it’s long marriages, with kids where over the years tiredness and routine lead to people (often women) letting the sex side of relationship slip by.

Yours doesn’t seem like that situation. You sound like a younger couple with sexual incompatibility. And trying very hard to intellectualise the issue and solve it on that level.
If you don’t have kids together - Its unlikely that there is a Madonna complex.

In a well functioning relationship - with young sexually active people attracted to each other - sex just happens. And communication issues get resolved naturally.
Your case seems different.

Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 10:09

We're in our mid/ late 40s. We do have children but not together.
The Madonna/ whore issue isnt necessarily related to children at all, as said in our case it was more that he felt he couldn't share certain sexual desires and wants because they were not 100% vanilla and therefore he thought that they were not 'nice' enough for me or that i wouldn't be interested. Whereas we have now discovered through lengthy discussion that isn't the case at all and we are now able to discuss our sexual desires fairly openly which we never could before.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 16/09/2019 11:51

OP - I do wish you luck. And hope it works out.
It just doesn’t sound like it’s likely to.
For people in their 40s - not being able to communicate about oral sex - which has been vanilla for generations - means that the issues are quite deep and well rooted.
Maybe you both would benefit from counselling specialising in sex?

Are there any cultural reasons why sex seems to be so complicated for either of you? Or family traumas?

Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 12:01

We both have quite complicated histories. He is an abuse survivor and has had a number of issues with sex as a result of that and other non abuse but difficult experiences. I have had some difficult past relationships, never felt sexually fulfilled or able to discuss what I wanted because no previous partners were interested in what I had to say or in anything aside from their own pleasure. We both knew whwn we met we had found someone special and were both trying to present an idealized image of ourselves thinking that was what the other wanted.

OP posts:
newmefor2020 · 16/09/2019 12:07

You’re settling for him OP. You can do better.

mynewbeamer · 16/09/2019 12:32

OP I don't understand the madonna/whore thing. How did this come out? You mean he said in the past that he thought that women who wanted sex were whores, because he thought that that was what you wanted to hear?!

Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 12:43

No - the madonna/ whore thing centres on seeing the person you love as being too special, too nice to share your sexual desires with. He has always had an issue with receiving oral sex. He felt it wasn't nice to ask for it. I offered to do it a number of times but he claimed not to like it. The truth was he didnt believe I could like it or actually want to do it.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 16/09/2019 12:43

I have had some difficult past relationships, never felt sexually fulfilled or able to discuss what I wanted because no previous partners were interested in what I had to say

Nor is this one OP. That's not just past relationships, that's your current relationship with this man.

mynewbeamer · 16/09/2019 12:49

The other person he was seeing - she was available? Do you think he had the same problems with her?

SuzieQ10 · 16/09/2019 12:50

He sounds like a complicated chap. And not in a good way.
Are you sure you want to get involved in this again? Nothing seems to have changed? And it also seems as though you're feeling guilty for the lack of sex / communication about it but it's just as much down to him (more so, it sounds like). It all seems odd.

Gollyfot · 16/09/2019 12:52

Fucking is supposed to be the easy part

Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 13:02

The woman he was seeing came about after effectively a ONS. He ended it with her because she wasnt me. However because he didn't particularly value her as it didn't start as a romantic relationship more a casual hookup he was able to be far more open about what he wanted. Their sex life was good apparently but they didn't have any of the other good stuff we did, he didnt love her or find her attractive in the way he did me so it didn't work out.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/09/2019 13:13

I don't think you can unpick those kind of issues without professional help. It's good you've talked it through, but that's not enough, as your situation presently shows.

If I were you, I'd ask him to seek therapy/counselling as a condition of continuing. You might offer to do some yourself to sweeten the pill.

Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 14:49

I would be happy to go to therapy or counselling together or separately, I'm willing to do whatever I need to.

OP posts:
Username22344 · 16/09/2019 15:34

I don’t think he is serious about you at all! How old is he? You say you have been with him before. Have you met his children? Did you feel like he was serious about you?

Swipe left for the next trending thread