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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So confused as to where this is going

174 replies

Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 00:40

I was in a relationship for a number of years. We always got on really well on a general level we have a lot of shared interests, humour and values, enjoy each other's company. But we always had lots of hang ups around sex...we both hid lots of parts of ourselves to be the perfect vanilla partner. We also or mainly me did a really poor job of communicating at all. Our sex life dwindled to nothing, with there being many occasions where he felt rejected and unwanted and eventually he ended things.

Fast forward a few months and he got back in contact. He was seeing someone else but felt she was second best to me etc. So we agreed to try again. We said we'd take it very slowly, go on dates and talk properly about all these issues. We started about a month ago and up to this weekend had no real physical contact.

On Friday I went to see him for the weekend (he lives a few hours away now but still works near me in the week). I said I felt I was in the friend zone. He admitted he was strugglng to see how we'd restart something physical as he felt very awkward. Anyway we shared a bed cuddled and this led to kissing, some heavy petting etc. So far so good. We spoke about how we wanted to go further the next night and perform oral sex on each other...this was something we never did in our relationship as we both believed the other didn't like it (this wasnt true at all)

On Saturday we went out for drinks. I have lost a lot of weight recently and rarely drink now. I got massively pissed which wasnt intentional at all and when we got home basically passed out. Apparently he tried to go down on me but I was dismissive etc (tbh I dont remember). I get that he was hurt and that it was a massive fuck up by me - I've not been that drunk in about 15 years or more. But now he's saying because this has overtones of how I made him feel rejected in the past he cant allow himself to be hurt.

His solution is that we take sex off the table for an indeterminate period. He says we didn't have sex before so why does it matter? But the point is that this is meant as a new start. I dont want to go back to what we had. And it feels if I agree to this we'll never get a normal physical relationship.

Am I being completely unfair?

OP posts:
Username22344 · 16/09/2019 15:39

Do you want a relationship with him? As you mentioned he lives a few hours away, would that work?

Mum4Fergus · 16/09/2019 15:41

Their sex life was good apparently but they didn't have any of the other good stuff we did, he didnt love her or find her attractive...

Wow. He's a real catch.

Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 15:44

username22344 we were together for 6 years until earlier this year so yes of course we have met each other's families in that time! I don't doubt his love for me, we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together, its the reason for us trying again.

OP posts:
Username22344 · 16/09/2019 15:46

Did you live together?

Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 15:47

Location isn't an issue as he stays near me in the week for work, and in the next 2-3 years I will be moving. My children are adults so I am not tied tp my home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 15:50

Mum4Fergus thats a slight misquote what I said was he didnt find her attractive in the way he did me. Obviously there was some attraction but the point is she wasn't me and ot made him realise despite our issues he wanted to try again. As did I.

OP posts:
Username22344 · 16/09/2019 15:53

I’m sorry but he is clearly using you and having sex elsewhere. When you say you are moving, is that with him?

BertrandRussell · 16/09/2019 15:57

Dump. Relationships should not be hard, or need lots of work. Being in a relationship should make you happier and more confident than not being in one.

Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 16:05

Yes we would be moving together that was always the plan.

Being with him does make me happier and more confident. I am confident anyway but more so with him. We make a great team, I trust him completely and know I can always rely on him.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 16/09/2019 16:08

“We make a great team, I trust him completely and know I can always rely on him.”

No you can’t. Or you wouldn’t be feeling confused after what happened on Saturday night. Which seems to me to be him being upset because you said no to sex.

Binting · 16/09/2019 16:13

It's easy to say dump him, and normally I would be as dismissive as others who are saying it here, however I think the situation may be something that you could both navigate with some professional help.

I would try and see a relationship / sex counsellor for some couples therapy. The counsellor would probably see both of you individually too. Take sex off the menu for now and concentrate on working towards a relationship that will leave you both fulfilled, emotionally and physically.

Sex and intimacy is an important part of a healthy loving relationship and if you can sort this issue out properly you have the chance of having a great future together. Good luck to both of you Flowers

Username22344 · 16/09/2019 16:14

So you would go and live with him or would he come and live with you (as he works near you)? Why did you break up in the first place? And did you use to live together?

BertrandRussell · 16/09/2019 16:16

He obviously treated the other woman like shit too....

Username22344 · 16/09/2019 16:16

It’s very strange that he can have a “normal” sex life with this previous woman but not with OP! he is clearly not interested and is finding excuses but still enjoys the attention clearly

BumbleBeee69 · 16/09/2019 16:22

This guy sounds like a total DICK .. he has more hang ups than BT.. cut your loses OP and find someone who actually cherishes all of you. Flowers

mynewbeamer · 16/09/2019 16:42

We both knew whwn we met we had found someone special and were both trying to present an idealized image of ourselves thinking that was what the other wanted

In all honesty I don't understand how you can think this is normal or an indication of a good relationship, especially after six years of being together.

I also don't understand how you can believe that a man in his 40s could have a ONS and good sex with another woman but loves you too much, thinks you are too special, to have sex with you?

Also mostly when couples stop havong sex it is because one of them either doesn't feel that attraction or doesn't want sex

Well, there are other reasons, obviously. He has now told you that sex is off the table - why?

Incidentally, I am not sure about him, but if I were an abuse survivor I would not be happy to see someone else post about it online. Too much risk that someone else might recognise me from the post. Too much breach of privacy. But he may feel differently.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 16/09/2019 16:59

I think you are taking the madonna/whore complex way too lightly. If you read up on it, it essentially means he is a misogynist who is unable to see sex in a healthy way www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/what-no-one-tells-you-about-avoidant-men%3famp

This isn't your problem to fix and you will destroy yourself if you try.

"The anger that formed in early childhood leads the avoidant man with a Madonna-whore complex to seek revenge. This revenge will consist in seeking out women he can have sex with and throw away afterward. He will treat these women either explicitly or implicitly as dirty and slutty. He will have no respect for them and will be unable to admire them or love them. These women are subconscious assigned whore status."

I could never be with a man who saw women in this way.

BertrandRussell · 16/09/2019 17:01

“Too much breach of privacy. But he may feel differently.”

Yep- i’m sure he would love to find ways of stopping the OP explore

BertrandRussell · 16/09/2019 17:02

..sorry- ways to stop the OP exploring and talking about this relationship, and thinking about how he is behaving....

mynewbeamer · 16/09/2019 17:31

OP the definition of the whore/madonna complex shown above, is that what he has?

@BertrandRussell If you told someone you had been abused as a child and that person was confused about you and decided to write about their confusion online and they mentioned what you had told them in confidence, you would think that that was fine? You don't think it is possible to explore feelings without betraying confidences and betraying confidences?

chickenyhead · 16/09/2019 17:50

OP are you willing to have an open relationship where you don't get any intimacy but he fulfills his physical wants with others?

This is what he is offering. This is all he can offer.

Original poster
Fat2fit · 16/09/2019 18:12

He has elements of madonna/ whore, however I am not a psychologist, plus his general interactions with men and women are positive and not misogynistic. He has some issues around sex as do I for historic but different reasons.

I don't want an open relationship we never had that before despite infrequent sex so I certainly dont want it now. I want to be intimate with him and him only and have sex with him because Iove and desire him. I know that he loves and desires me which is why I am struggling with all of this.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/09/2019 18:34

So talk to him about him getting therapy and see what he says.

BertrandRussell · 16/09/2019 18:53

I bet I can guess what he’ll say.....

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 16/09/2019 18:54

Why is he even telling you about having sex with another woman? Is it something you asked for details of? Where did the conversation about how attracted he was to her come up?

If you didnt specifically ask him about these things then it seems really hurtful for him to tell you. Especially because he rejects you sexually.

My exH told me he would never have anal sex with me because I was his wife and he would only ever do that with another woman out of 'respect'. He was one of the most misogynistic people I've ever come across and cheated prolifically throughout our marraige. He hated women.

Unless he is willing to go to counselling then there really isn't much you can do about the situation. He is responsible for working on himself and maybe you should distance yourself from this relationship until he has spent time working on his own issues