So confused as to where this is going

[Fat2fit]

I was in a relationship for a number of years. We always got on really well on a general level we have a lot of shared interests, humour and values, enjoy each other's company. But we always had lots of hang ups around sex...we both hid lots of parts of ourselves to be the perfect vanilla partner. We also or mainly me did a really poor job of communicating at all. Our sex life dwindled to nothing, with there being many occasions where he felt rejected and unwanted and eventually he ended things.

Fast forward a few months and he got back in contact. He was seeing someone else but felt she was second best to me etc. So we agreed to try again. We said we'd take it very slowly, go on dates and talk properly about all these issues. We started about a month ago and up to this weekend had no real physical contact.

On Friday I went to see him for the weekend (he lives a few hours away now but still works near me in the week). I said I felt I was in the friend zone. He admitted he was strugglng to see how we'd restart something physical as he felt very awkward. Anyway we shared a bed cuddled and this led to kissing, some heavy petting etc. So far so good. We spoke about how we wanted to go further the next night and perform oral sex on each other...this was something we never did in our relationship as we both believed the other didn't like it (this wasnt true at all)

On Saturday we went out for drinks. I have lost a lot of weight recently and rarely drink now. I got massively pissed which wasnt intentional at all and when we got home basically passed out. Apparently he tried to go down on me but I was dismissive etc (tbh I dont remember). I get that he was hurt and that it was a massive fuck up by me - I've not been that drunk in about 15 years or more. But now he's saying because this has overtones of how I made him feel rejected in the past he cant allow himself to be hurt.

His solution is that we take sex off the table for an indeterminate period. He says we didn't have sex before so why does it matter? But the point is that this is meant as a new start. I dont want to go back to what we had. And it feels if I agree to this we'll never get a normal physical relationship.

Am I being completely unfair?

OP - I am not questioning your attractiveness. And sorry if it hit some hidden issues you had.
I am saying that physical attraction and physical chemistry may not be there - EVEN if both people are objectively nice looking.
For example - I can see that there are a lot of men that are attractive in my gym, but I don’t find them attractive for myself.
Oral sex isn’t the only issue you two have had, so mentioning it is really neither here nor there....

And - no person with a healthy libido and an attraction to another person would ‘take sex off the table for indeterminate time’.
No amount of spin can make it anything other than what it is.
You just don’t want to see it.
I am sorry.

I'd personally run for the hills.....

Ive just split up with my partner and looking back now, I tolerated it for so long and made so many excuses for him.
From the thread, I feel you're making excuses too.
You can do so much better - and get all your needs and desires fulfilled in a loving and kind way x

Clearly I'm not explaining this sufficiently well. I have no doubt that he is attracted to me in every way it is completely obvious and it always has been. Sex itself isn't an indicator I've had sex with plenty of men I wasnt that attracted to.

Its not about doing better. He is what I want and its the same for him. You have all decided I'm clearly stupid pr naive or deluded or a combination thereof but I'm really not.

I think the suggestion we unpick this through therapy is sound and one that would be helpful.

It doesn’t sound like a good relationship. Suggest seeking counselling for yourself, including to discuss your experiences with sexual relationships.

Like I said before, this will go on endlessly.

Reading between the lines, assuming that you have posted about this relationship before, it sounds to me as though you have behaved in a very manipulative way. And I suspect that you are or can be narcissistic - to explain the "will you punish him" comment.

Good luck to you both.

To put it in simpler language because you seem intent to not want to see it for what it is....
People who are attracted to each other - want to have sex with each other.
You - pushed him off, apparently.
He - stopped having sex with you when you were together and left.
Then had great sex with someone else.
Then tried with you and decided to NOT have sex for the foreseeable future.

OP - you are a grown adult. Why are you trying so hard to believe this will work out?
It can - and maybe you’ll find a balance of a non-sexual relationship. And maybe it’s OK too.

How exactly have I behaved manipulatively? I really don't understand that comment at all.

I think most people have a little narcissism in them, I don't feel I have any more than the average. I am quite confident and proud about what I've achieved (but with good reason) however I don't lack empathy or consideration for others or exploit them nor do I court admiration.

Good grief... it really shouldn't be this complicated.

You were together.
You split up.
You get back together and try again.
He insists on taking it slowly. Why though?
Now he says he won't have sex with you at all because you got drunk and didn't welcome his attempts at oral sex.

Is that about it in a nutshell?

Sounds all too much like hard work to me. It shouldn't be this difficult.

The agreement we had was not to try and have sex whilst we were working through issues. That was something we jointly agreed. When drunk the boundaries got blurred and he wants to pull back. We were never going to have full sex because we didn't feel ready. This isn't a casual fuck it's relaying the groundwork for a long term relationship. There was no rush which is why I regret pushing thngs in the first place and creating the current situation.

We are taking things slowly to correct the issues that led to us splitting up originally. There would be no point in us jumping back in before we had worked through that...we'd just be back in the same place we were which clearly wasn't right.

What are these issues you are currently working on and how’s that going?

Abstaining from sex is kicking the can into the long grass. It’s an excuse to buy him time, to what end, I have no idea. It appears that you being semi conscious could be his sexual preference and you shouldn’t be apologising for his kink.

What you currently have is the beginnings of s very unhealthy dynamic where he blames and punishes you for his inadequacy.

He will constantly be looking to blame you for his sexual proclivities, enabling him is a choice, just not a very healthy one.

Your fairytale happy ever after with this man, is just that, a fairytale.

I think the suggestion we unpick this through therapy is sound and one that would be helpful.

It is your only option, you two are on your second bite of this particular cherry and the outcome is exactly the same. I doubt very much he will be up for counselling because he doesn’t appear to be a very reflective character.

OP - if you two were teenagers starting out having sex, then working this hard and taking it slowly would have made sense.

However, you are both over 40. You had a go at a relationship and lost your sexual connection. Stopped having sex.
Not being able to talk about your joint love of oral sex isn’t why that happened.
You didn’t have small kids at the time or anything dramatic happening that can be pointed to as an excuse.
Simply put - there is only one reason - relationship ran its course.
And once it’s broken, it’s nearly impossible to put it back together.
Because it was properly broken, not paused like it happens with many young families with new babies, where sex is forgotten due to exhaustion...

Now you are, for some unknown reason, convinced yourself that he is The One. And you are also convinced that he thinks the same and it’s only a minor issue of sex that needs to be sorted.
It all sounds obsessive and unhealthy.
Why not let him sort himself on his own while you date other men who want to and are able to have sex with you?

It just sounds miserable! Better to find someone new.

We are all wasting our time here! OP doesn’t want to hear that this “relationship” has no future! So go ahead and move in with him

It sounds like this man is punishing the OP for getting drunk. Combined with the "Madonna complex" it sounds like he has some misogyny issues. Not much of a catch.

I'd rather be single tbh.

this sounds stressful. He's a friend that you've tried to shoehorn in to a boyfriend. It didn't work, and now you think you can talk your way through that incompatibility.

The Madonna/Whore thing would turn me right off. You that has to live with it but ..... yuck.

Also, it sounds like he has a bit of anger around sex/sex with you. Like apparently he tried to initiate oral and apparently you were dismissive and then he sulked. God that sounds so stressful. He remembers things differently and blames you for not having reacted how he needed you to react.

Being convinced someone is the "the one" might be to do with your own attachment issues. For you to go through therapy on your own might enable you to work through some of your ideas about relationships and what is holding you back from having a healthy relationship.

No, not everyone has the touch of narcissism in them. That would be something you could talk about in therapy.

Sorry - "a little narcissism" not "the touch of narcissism" I meant.

You say now "The agreement we had was not to try and have sex whilst we were working through issues. That was something we jointly agreed. When drunk [on Sat night?] the boundaries got blurred and he wants to pull back."

But in the OP you said "Anyway we shared a bed cuddled and this led to kissing, some heavy petting etc. So far so good. We spoke about how we wanted to go further the next night and perform oral sex on each other..."

Can you see how there is a bit of conflict there, in meaning? You see, I'd say that is you trying to manipulate us that we just don't understand, so that we all buy into your narrative without question.

There will be reasons for your behaviour, if I am right, and you will get through it with a good therapist and get the good relationship you want if you want to. You won't be able to do it with him. You should give him freedom to work out what he really wants. If it is really right for you both to be together then after you have both worked it out separately there might be a chance. But my money is on him really wanting to be with someone else.

many posters have said to you that relationships are not ‘work’, only in times of crisis/bereavement or if you (general) have picked an abuser or someone you’re generally incompatible with. The sole point is they’re meant to be fun , they’re meant to enhance your life, there should never be this level of analysing and handwringing and therapy required, just enjoy your life and stop this nonsense. Aim for a fun, easy, enhancing boyfriend next time.

We are taking things slowly to correct the issues that led to us splitting up originally. There would be no point in us jumping back in before we had worked through that..

OK So you have an action plan that seems clear from your comment here. I'm scratching my head trying to work out what this rgread is about rhen.

You're in danger of paralysis by analysis and completely stifling any spontaneity if you keep churningbthrough thibgs endlessly seeking for answers (to what exactly?)

Ask yourself is this bloke doing similar to you ie agonising constantly about his relationship with you? Or is he doing what 9 out of 10 blokes do - getting on with his day to day life and not giving it a second thought!

Sorry for all the typos

I am finding the comments on here bewilderingly negative. OP he very clearly adores you. Maybe accept his vulnerability but ask to put a set time on your sex-free period...then try again, sober? You are having dialogue, you value each other a huge amount and you are both willing to put in loads of effort...things could very well end up GREAT.

And just because you are dealing with issues by facing them, does not make your relationship crap!!! ONE element of it is requiring work and thought. Relationships should be a lot of fun but I am guessing this guy is....else you would not be putting the effort in.

Thanks fizzysours I wasnt sure about coming back to this post given the level of negative comments.

Not everyone has a happy, easy life. I know people around my age perhaps slightly younger who have never experienced bereavement, divorce, redundancy, serious or chronic illhealth. I'm not saying their lives are easy, its all a matter of perspective but equally we've been through all that and more in the time we were together. So we've had our share of external pressures. I'm sure others have had more but some less too.

Anyway we have talked more and at length, and basically we were slightly at cross purposes due to hangovers. We're still where we were, nothing really has changed, we're both clear that full sex is off the table for a good while yet but in the meantime there's other things we can and will do once we feel ready.