Is it ok for my husband to go out?

[bunny85]

Hi all. We've been together with my husband for 9 years, married for 2. He works full time and even overtime very often (he has his own business) and I'm SAHM (4 year old child) and I'm also pregnant. Generally we have a good marriage, he treats me well. But he does go out to the pub sometimes after work with his friends. It is approx 1-2 a week. He usually comes home at around 7pm (works until 6.30pm), but when he goes out he come home at 9-10pm or so. I just want to ask, is it ok for a man to be doing that? He never gets drunk, he usually has 1-2 pints. Thanks!

You are right, I don't think he'd be happy for me to go out twice a week. I think when he said I should go out he means generally, sometimes. For sure he's not going to cook dinners- I'd have to leave something for him before I go.
Also just to mention, my son goes to nursery daily now and does one full day as well. It's only until 3pm, but I could meet up with friends let's say for lunch on that day. The problem is not that I don't want- I'd love to! Nobody of them is available! Some are at work and others are busy with their babies. No in fact we do meet up with them all regularly, in fact nearly every day, but it's all always around kids

I actually just asked him out of interest! He said no problem for me to go out twice a week for couple of hours. But I know he wouldn't make dinners.

On the other hand, I always work every other day for that day and the day after. Maybe I could start going out on a day when the dinner is already made.

Sorry that was meant to say I always cook every other day, not work (Which is technically still correct though!)

You're lucky he's not Moroccan. They spend very little time at home and are usually parked in a cafe playing backgammon, drinking endless coffee or tea and watching the world go by. After work and on days off. They may be hands-on in other ways, and the younger generation much more so, but there is still a culture of the man spends time with other men, and the woman sorts out the children.

My Dad ran his own business and was usually out the door well before 7 am and home late evening. My Mum and Grandmother took care of us and did everything in the home, including caring for him, as he was the sole earner. Most evenings, after he had eaten, he would disappear to the pub and be there until closing time. We hardly saw him. On Sunday he would be at the pub twice. All afternoon, home, sleep, eat, then back to the pub again.

A lot of older generation were like that. Not saying it was right, but it didn't not work for us as a family unit. My Mum seemed happy not to have to go out to work and to focus on the home with her mother and us. I guess they both made that decision. She did not seem bothered at all that he was rarely around.

Different times now, but I do still think if someone is the sole earner, then they absolutely need time to blow off steam. You do too, as a mum, you need that too. The bigger issue here seems to be that your son is too nervous to be left with a baby-sitter. If you had someone who he would be happy with, or a family member or friend he was comfortable with, you could meet with him and/or do your own thing.

My Mum had her own mother to take care of us and that meant my parents could go out together and on some evenings, my Mum did her own thing. That was the old-fashioned way, close-knit communities, it was easier in some ways. I think you need to get your son used to being taken care of by someone else. You have a baby on the way and your focus will also be on the new baby. How will your son be then? He will have to get used to less attention at some point.

I also hope your partner has paternity leave?

... I also think when people decide to have children, then they are going to lose some element of freedom. You can't have it all and do it all. You can't expect a mother to not want free time, however, having children you know that there has to be that sacrifice for at least the initial highly-dependent years. Likewise a person working full-time to support those children and a wife/husband can't be expected to work all day and then do more work at home, like cooking, shopping, cleaning. There has to a split, a share. Maybe that sounds old-fashioned, but look at how stressed most single mums are... one person doing it all is HARD. You are lucky that you don't need to rush back to work for money, you have a hard-working partner and he is hands-on.. he just needs some alone time.

You are saying that he doesn't want you going out now, then you say he said it's no problem, you said you don't get to go out, but now you're saying that you meet friends every day, you say your child goes to nursery but when you meet with friends the kids are there. You said you are a SAHM but now you're saying that you work every other day, sorry but now I'm totally confused.

What is all this with the dinners ? you said what he can cook, he is able to do basics, he is not going to starve, he can make beans on toast ? make a nice fry up ? boil a bit of pasta and stick a bit of sauce over it, grab something in work ? stop off at chipper and get a bag of chips and a fish ? order a chinese ? How did he eat before you met him ? why have you gotten it into your head that he can not cope unless you leave a full made dinner for him ? is this your thinking? there's not a hope he will lie down on the floor and starve if you go out for a couple of hours.

It sounds like you are looking for excuses, your dh really is not bad at all, I'm being totally honest here, read some of the threads on here and see what some people are living with.

If you don't like going out at night, you don't have to, I'm sure you and dh discussed this when you were dating, did you make it clear to him that you did not like him to have a social life after you were married ? if he agreed to this then fair enough, but people change.

One of the issues here, beside the not liking him having a couple of pints is you need to time manage differently. I can not understand why someone who is out every day with friends, or in your last post now you're saying you work, that you are wrecked by 10.30pm when you dh is in work all day, your child is in nursery every day.

I think yanbu he needs to pull his weight a hell of a lot more. Right now he seemingly does exactly what he wants as he would as a single man and you pick up the slack. He gets back from work late too, 7pm every day and all day Saturday makes it difficult for you to do stuff and you are on your own with dc all the time. But definitely you need to get a hobby so he has to pick up some slack but then you would see even less of him.

Are you going back to work? How's that going to happen with this man-job of his? Presumably he works far too long hours to help with drop offs and pick ups .

OP is probably wrecked because she's pregnant...

Right you meant cook dinner every day not work.

What do you want ? in all honesty what do you want ? your dh gets home at 7 -7.30pm, do you want him to come in at that time and cook dinner for you all ? Are you going to sit there waiting for him to come in after working a full day, cook a dinner and what sit down at 8pm and eat it ? it doesn't make sense, yes. I'm all for equal this and equal that but in reality, you are there for a min of 10 hours, it makes more sense for you to make the dinner, if you begrudge making him one, then just cook for yourself, but that would be petty. Why can you on a saturday when he is doing the DIY, gardening, chores pick a couple of hours and cook together ? it's not rocket science bunging a chicken in the oven and making some veg, it would be time together that you so crave and he's learnign how to cook other things.

Right now he seemingly does exactly what he wants as he would as a single man and you pick up the slack. He gets back from work late too, 7pm every day and all day Saturday makes it difficult for you to do stuff and you are on your own with dc all the time

This is his job, if I'm right it's his own business ? so these are his hours, getting in at that time is perfectly normal, most don't get in till later, not everyone has a 9-5 job. if the OP is unhappy with her dh coming in after 6pm then I suggest he quits the job and applys for one that can guarantee him a finishing time at 5pm so he is home for 6pm, is there many of them in the UK ? I know in Ireland there isn't so maybe that would be a solution. Also he doesn't work all day Saturday every week, some weeks, some Saturday's and if it's his own business, this will be needed to get the business up and off the ground, if it's not his own business then it's overtime. She's a SAHM so of course she is going to have the majority of the time with her child, that's a given, all SAHPs know this when they take on the role, they know they can't split all the jobs 50/50 when the other parent is working outside the home.

Twice a week ?.
Blimey youll be buying him a ball and chain next. Give the man a break for heavens sake if you dont give him space he will take it.

The problem here is that you don't have a social life. DH doesn't cook. He literally just can't be bothered. So if I'm not around, he will absolutely feed the kids, but it's pasta-pesto or fish fingers generally. So I cook. But I can still have a social life. Not least because realistically, going out isn't really possible until at least 7pm anyway.

Your friends clearly have no leisure time. Their DC aren't in nursery and they don't go out in the evenings. So their time is spent exclusively with their DC or with their DH. If that works for them, great. If that was me, I'd probably have serious mental health problems. Ditto for DH.

So you need to find ways to get out in the evening. If you honestly don't have friends who will meet you for dinner out in the evenings or whatever, then now is the time to join a gym, sign up to some kind of class or become a volunteer somewhere. Because it seems to me your resentment is that he gets this evening time and you don't. And when you have leisure time during the day, you don't get to do what you'd like to do which is spend time with other adults without children.

Gemma1971 you've just described to the smallest detail the way my husband was brought up. His dad has never done a single thing around the house or with childcare and they were mainly cared for his mum and grandma. His dad worked of course, but not retired. It still amazes me to this day that my husband, having been raised in this old fashioned way, still does certain chores around the house and has always been very involved with nappy changing, sleepless nights and all the rest of the babycare. As for me, I worked all my life in a highly stressful and demanding profession, and this career break feels welcome right now. Of course I will go back to work at some point, but only part time.

Lipz I'm sorry I apparently didn't make myself clear, I'll repeat again. I don't work, I have a nearly 4 year old and expecting another baby. My child goes to nursery and uses his 15 free hours which means it's every day but 9-12. I pay for extra hours on 1 day a week just to have a 'full' free day which makes it 9-3. I sometimes meet a childless friend when my son is at nursery, but she works as well so not always possible during these hours.
Yes I'd like my husband to make me a dinner sometimes, but so far this has only happened when I was sick in bed. He can boil pasta and put sauce over it. However I don't make a big deal out of it with him and just cook something while my son is at nursery.
Before we met he lived on takeaways.

Honestly, there's another thread running about a SAHD who won't get a job. Child in nursery same as yours. This man is being called all of the names under the sun because apparently he has the life of Riley having 3 hours free every day, at the wife's expense. Maybe read that thread op to get a different perspective.

You have plenty of time during the day, child free, in which to socialise. Find a hobby, join a book club, meet up with mum friends (much easier when you don't have your child there to worry about).

The other thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3690916-DH-turned-down-job

why are you complaining about him making dinner? I don't understand it? You have made it quite clear that you knew he didn't cook much or very well before you even married him. The expectation was already set. If wanting a man who cooks for you is that important then you should of married a man who cooks otherwise quit complaining about it.

I tihnk your very unreasaonable on your husband and your lucky he puts up with you complaining at him about his tiny social life.

Life is more than just family and coming home everynight, jesus I would shrivel up and die if my entire life revolved around kids and home.

Cyclingmad telling strangers on internet that I'd love it if my husband cooked dinners for me is hardly complaining, considering what I already said above:

He can boil pasta and put sauce over it. However I don't make a big deal out of it with him and just cook something while my son is at nursery

I accepted it many years ago, he hates cooking ok, but I love him because of the person that he is otherwise and prepared to cook myself instead, however nothing wrong with still wishing he could do it. Me thinks.

My ex was a FANTASTIC cook. He cooked better than any restaurant I had ever visited in my entire life. I could not believe my luck. He cooked and shopped like a dream partner.

But he wasn't interested when I fell pregnant, nor when I miscarried.... and I soon found out he wasn't interested in supporting me in any way, financially, emotionally or otherwise. He did not want to work to support me or help me. I was the breadwinner and he had a massive sense of entitlement.

His good qualities: Food and sex.

Sounds like your husband is one of the good guys - you can't have it all. I would prefer to slave over a stove than have someone serve me up perfect meals twice a day and then call me an ugly old slut.

I think he needs to unwind, and twice a week isn't excessive.

All you have done is constantly complain that you have to cook him dinners otherwise what would he do without your dinners. You refer to it enough, more than neccessary.

I feel sorry for your OH, you just want to control him and its horrible. You don't look for solutions you just complain, oh my friends just always bring their kids, well go find a hobby and new friends as been suggested and your response is oh but I cant because of x,y,z....your just a complainer who rather than go do something about it continue to complain.

Your OH has given you plenty of suggestions and who clearly not listened to him so why listen to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Cyclingmad I'm not sure you read the thread properly, otherwise you'd see this above, written by me:

I find these replies very helpful, certainly a different perspective. I'm going to look into getting a hobby for myself as per your suggestions, before another baby comes and it will be again forgotten.

Gemma1971 I know exactly what you mean. You can't have the boxes ticked! It's good that you ex is now an ex

He sounds like he works really hard to provide for his family I think a couple of hours to himself isn't much to ask
I do think u being at home all the time with the children can be stressful and make your mind overthink so I think a hobby would do u good
I'm a SAHM also my OH works so hard I would never begrudge a couple of hours here and there
I'm a bit of a TV addict and like my own space also so when I get the house to myself kid in bed OH at the gym or whatever I love to stick on a box set and jus unwind

U r vvvv unreasonable