Is it ok for my husband to go out?

[bunny85]

Hi all. We've been together with my husband for 9 years, married for 2. He works full time and even overtime very often (he has his own business) and I'm SAHM (4 year old child) and I'm also pregnant. Generally we have a good marriage, he treats me well. But he does go out to the pub sometimes after work with his friends. It is approx 1-2 a week. He usually comes home at around 7pm (works until 6.30pm), but when he goes out he come home at 9-10pm or so. I just want to ask, is it ok for a man to be doing that? He never gets drunk, he usually has 1-2 pints. Thanks!

A reverse is when you write it from the opposite persons point of view to gauge reactions - it's not necessarily from a mans POV but in your case it would be

most of my friends when asked told me their husbands are home by 6pm every night

What jobs are they working that finish so early? I'm rarely out of work by 6, let alone home.

OP, I go to pilates once a week so get home around 8:30pm. DH does a different gym class and gets home at 9pm on another night (his class is in town so no point in coming home and going back out). Then we might each see our friends or siblings on a different night. Pre-kids I used to do a language class as well, and DH did a lot more sport and was in a book club. Family time is at the weekend.

This idea that married couples come straight home from work at 5pm, close the door and shut the curtains and don't leave the house again until 9 the next morning.... it's the kind of life I associate with 1950s American surburbia, not modern life. Don't you have any outside interests aside from your children, and don't you want your husband to have any aside of his job?

Op your husband sounds like a saint compared to some on here. Let him have his time- it’s important to take some time out and de-stress. Maybe you should organise something with your friends and do the same? You might find it’s a lovely change from the domestic grind.

Dh doesn't like going out much but I go out once or twice a week. Not both pub though and I always come home so I see the kids for a couple of hours before I go out. I wouldn't choose to miss two bedtimes every week but I wouldn't judge someone who did - likely it works out easier to go out straight from work.

I get that you have a long day as a sahp though - you must be keen to see him! I think yabu though, sorry. Two nights a week seems completely average to me. Having said that, I'd expect him to go out less when the baby comes.

I see no issue with this.

It appears you are more of a homebody than he is. You should respect his desire for some down time, if that’s what he needs.

I’d have absolutely no problem with this as long as he didn’t mind if you wanted to go out once or twice a week. If he was coming home drunk out of his skull at 2am four nights a week it would be a different answer.

I would find that quite mean you will be probably quite lonely
Do you go out 1-2 times a week? What about your social life

I think the problem is you not going out rather than him going out. If you stop his social life too you are going to end up a pretty sad pair!

So most are saying it's okay for him to miss family time twice a week. And quite a few are saying OP should go out an equal number of times.

By those numbers, they'd only have 3 evenings a week to.be at home as a family. A 4-year-old and another baby on the way, too.

From what she said I doubt OP will use her nights, but if she did they'd spend more time apart than together. And this is okay with most of you? You think it's alright that he'll be leaving her alone with a small child and a newborn?

Just leave your husband be, it's no big deal what he does.

Yes

I think it's really sad that most of my DH friends have to lie if they want to go out or know that they will get grief at home when they go out. It seems to breed resentment in their relationships. If you're doing your fair share as parents then I don't see the issue - obviously if one parent is always on duty and the other is always doing their own thing that's different but each parent having some "me" time every week shouldn't be an issue. I will make plans and then do the obligatory check with DH that it's ok but always assume that it is to be honest and he does the same to me- even if it's same day "oh I might pop out after work"
I actually wish he'd do it more often so I had chance to watch crap telly tbh.
You need to start making your own plans and social life so you stop feeling resentful

And to be honest He's not even going out late !!

@beenwhereyouare You think it's alright that he'll be leaving her alone with a small child and a newborn? well yes as long as everybody is healthy and ok why not ? In my experience they were all asleep by 7 and I was in bed soon after so I didn't spend any time with dh anyway in those early days !!

drogo going to the pub can be a hobby and doesn't mean as someone has a drink problem!! In some places the pub is the hub of the community. Where I live it is common for people to pop to the pub fairly regularly.

Op your friends relationships are the ones that sound unhealthy.

I'm not sure an "Is it OK for my wife to go out" thread would have gone down awfully well. He sounds like a nice man, working hard, enjoying a bit of down time which you enjoy during the day when you catch up with your friends. My friends love the couple of nights they have when husbands go out to catch up on too long phone calls with friends / rubbish tv / dinner which their OH doesn't like, so they'd not normally cook it etc.

It's not ok if its upsetting you. What your friends husbands do is irrelevant.

Does he let you know in advance which days he will be out? I think that's crucial- if every day you dont know if you have to deal with the kids on their own and they dont know if daddy is going to be home then that's not great behaviour.

Why dont you compromise with him? On a set day a week, he can go to the pub and you'll pick up the slack with the kids. Another day is your night off- even if you're in the house he does bath time bedtime etc.

You both need time away. If I’m forced to do anything I don’t want to do I wouldn’t be happy! Relax!

Op, you said he encourages you to go out, but you do nt go out. So what you re saying is you do n’t want to go out and therefore he’s not allowed.

It's totally normal for you both to go out
Try asking one of your friends to go to the pub sometimes as well.

I wouldn't be happy having to be home every night of the week. I need to see friends and have a change of scenery.

Sounds like you are a homebody and he likes a social life. What he is doing is not unusual or unfair.

I would have no problem with this op it’s only twice a week he doesn’t get home ridiculously late or drunk. You get to meet friends socialise in the day when he is at work. I presume he would have no problem if you wanted to go out in the evening so I don’t understand why you are unhappy with him going out

I wouldn't see it as a problem unless he's coming home blind drunk, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Nothing wrong with socialising and if he's 'present' when at home then all's good.

As other pp have said, get yourself a hobby too outside if the dc.

You’re being so unreasonable, and actually a bit controlling. That’s barely any time at all, it’s not too much to drink and he actively encourages you to do the same for yourself. You need more in life than just your spouse.

@yeahnahyeah1
Totally agree

The OP goes out with her friends during the day and knows she can go out in the evenings if she wants to and yet her husband to have no social life outside her.

4hrs per week? You better hope he never takes up cycling🙄