Is it ok for my husband to go out?

[bunny85]

Hi all. We've been together with my husband for 9 years, married for 2. He works full time and even overtime very often (he has his own business) and I'm SAHM (4 year old child) and I'm also pregnant. Generally we have a good marriage, he treats me well. But he does go out to the pub sometimes after work with his friends. It is approx 1-2 a week. He usually comes home at around 7pm (works until 6.30pm), but when he goes out he come home at 9-10pm or so. I just want to ask, is it ok for a man to be doing that? He never gets drunk, he usually has 1-2 pints. Thanks!

I see it as parenting avoidance too, but according to some posters OP should be happy because he doesn't come home drunk. Seems some people set the bar quite low.

DH works long hours but if he had been regularly socialising on 2 nights a week when DS was little, he would have come home first to see DS and do bath and/or bedtime and then go out.

Chances are if OP worked he would probably still do the same hours, so she would still have to do all the work at home too, and the DC would still see very little of their dad and then not so much of their mum too

On Saturdays he's at home earlier than usual. Around 3pm.

Things he does around the house: all DIY, gardening on Saturdays, if he's at home for bath time he baths our son, puts him to bed sometimes. He can hoover the house if I ask (never initiates) and can do some minor chores if I ask (hang up the washing for example). All these chores are not asked very often of him as he's so exhausted after work that I don't ask often. Also we go out for lunch on Sundays and he can bring take away any day I ask if I'm too tired to cook and he jokes that that's his way of making dinner.

Things he doesn't do: cooking (he told me at the beginning of our relationship he can't and doesn't like cooking), proper cleaning around the house (clean the bathroom, remove all the dust etc).

Overall I do 80% of housework. Since Sunday is essentially our only free day, we usually go out somewhere fun for the day, eat out etc. He doesn't go to play football every Sunday, but when he does it's around 7pm. That's one of the outings which I count as going to pub as that's what they do afterwards. Then he's home around 10-11.

So as not to drip feed, I'm not restricted financially by him. He gave me his credit card years ago and since then haven't asked for once what I buy and what I spend. I told him already that when the baby comes I might get a cleaner for once a week and he was ok with that.

So if you went out with friends in an evening, would he be able to feed your child if he doesn't cook? So after you have had the baby will he have some time off, or will you be expected to do everything round the house?

Last time he took 2 weeks off and was very involved and did whatever was asked of him (almost always needs to be asked but I don't care, I say you need to do this and that). But also my parents came over and they helped massively as well.

If seriously needed (suppose when I'm sick in bed or out) he will 'cook'. That involves some sort of boiling a pasta or eggs or sandwiches or sausages or pizza. Nothing too fancy. He can do barbecue though and enjoys it, strangely enough!

By pizza I mean to put a readily made pizza in the oven, of course.

Also if I do go out, I always make sure there's dinner ready. The cooking issue bothers me, but I don't think he'll ever change, so either I accept it or it's a divorce.

Yes going out after bedtime would be better. He may be working but he's still a parent. OP isn't exactly sat on her arse all day either. It sounds like he earns a good salary. OP has facilitated this for him by taking on all childcare responsibilities. If she was working he would need to work even more at home.

I agree but I doubt he would do significantly more. Surely he'll help more than now if I worked (I did work full time for years before we had DS and we didn't even have a dishwasher back then and he was volunteering (!!) to do the dishes after we came from work. However I highly doubt he'd clean bathroom/toilet/dust etc. and I mean a thorough clean, not a quick wipe over. I'm sure if/when I go back to work it'll be the case of 'let's get a cleaner'. We are not keen to spent our Sundays cleaning so that leaves only week days for everything and admittedly having 2 children and working (even part time) I don't see myself doing all of that even with his help...

Tonight he came in on time, took the rubbish out (didn't have to ask) and has done all the bedtime routine with DS and put him to bed. Must be feeling guilty for last night!

And what if wasn't ok? You can't order him not to go out. You need to discuss this with him, make your case, offer to compromise somehow. Honestly he sounds perfectly fine. Not worth worrying about.

I do sympathise - you're home all day, pregnant and with a young child and it hurts that your husband chooses to go to the pub instead of coming home to see you when he gets the chance.

Work is of course different - which is why him working overtime doesn't upset you.

However he's not being unreasonable either. He works long hours and needs some downtime as well - when you weigh it up, four hours or so per week is nothing compared to the amount of time he's spending at work. It just feels like a lot because it's added on to a long day of parenting solo while he's been working.

I think you need to get DS used to a sitter and then you can go out too - and you're not dependent on DH getting home on time. Book a regular sitter and go out - go to the gym, meet friends for drinks - anything. I think it would be good for you to get some child-free time away from the house and your husband. Individual free time is so important to a marriage.

'Parenting avoidance' 😂. Seriously? Going out for 2 hours twice a week, 2 nights out of 7 but on the nights he is there (5) he is bathing the boy, putting him to bed sometimes and they go out every Sunday for a meal and a day out.

So not being chained to the home 24/7 is 'parenting avoidance' now? It's funny when these new terms pop up, they make me laugh.

The people against their partner spending any time out of the house in the evening or weekends due to it being 'family time' or 'just not how we do it', keep an eye on things as I suspect a divorce or an affair are on the cards soon. How can anyone expect their partner to work, eat, sleep, repeat with zero down time? Like not even 4 hours (that's all it is) out of the house in the evenings each week?

To be honest, the OP doesn't even seem dead against it or anything, her friends are feeding her this rubbish that he should be home every night and people on here are too.

The man helps out around the house, ok given some stuff needs asked but that's not a deal breaker, he is at home 5-6 nights a week and doing his part with the bathing and bedding, he goes out every Sunday (only day off) with his wife and child, he is fine for the OP to get a cleaner, he substitutes his part of the cooking by picking up food for them or making something simple and he is home at a reasonable time the nights he does go out and isn't coming in drunk or anything.

This man sounds like a dream to be honest!

I can't believe in 2019 there's still people controlling enough to keep their partners on lockdown in the evenings and weekends as apparently they have to be there every single night or they're commiting 'parenting avoidance'.

It was similar when reading another thread where the OP asked about arranging her Christmas party for a Saturday. The amount of 'oh hell no, Saturday is family time and myself and my partner would never commit to a work thing at the weekend'. It's one bloody weekend night a year! Are people really still in this frame of mind that each person must devote EVERYTHING and every second to their family? 🤔

If OP worked FT 7-7 & barely saw her kids in week I doubt she'd choose to spend 2 nights a week in pub. Once a week is fine. Doing bedtime on your own after being stuck with kids all day is miserable. It's not controlling to expect equal commitment in parenting.

The way she's phrased it "is it ok for him to go out [for 2 x 2 hours a week]" does sound a little controlling. Yes its perfectly ok. If she's not happy with it she can discuss it with him and they can negotiate a compromise.

It's not controlling to expect equal commitment in parenting.

What does this look like though when 1 parent is a SAHP and the other worked outside of the home?

The op says that she often goes out during the day to meet up with friends, so she gets to socialise but her husband can't?.in what way is that fair?

What if the husband agrees to give up going out but then says that in return the op can't meet up with her friends either?.is that fair?

Or if he says that he needs this bit of down time every week but he will cut down on his time in work instead - meaning that there's less.money coming in for the family. Is that fair?

Of course they are both entitled to have some individual down time. The op doesn't want to take her time and that's her choice. But her husband does need some relaxation time and he isn't doing anything wrong by taking it. Even if both of them went out twice a week that still.leaves 3 nights a week plus all day Sunday for them to be together as a family. Many families have less than that if husband and wife work opposite shifts.

To me, dragging my children round to parks, soft plays and playdates to grab 10mins of distracted, stilted conversation with other tired mums is nothing like going to the pub on my own with no bedtimes and dinners to take care of when I get home.

I have much better adult conversation at my actual place of work. If anyone needs to go to the pub at the end of the day it's OP.

If she's happy with this set up that's fine. But I wouldn't be.

@SignedUpJust4This he's happy for her to go out, she doesn't want to.

I literally cannot see any problem with your husband's behaviour. Is he your husband or your prisoner? I don't see why he would not be able to go to the put twice a week, that's barely anything.

Is it the fact it's a pub that bothers you? Would it be any different if he was at the gym? Football? I really don't see why this would need to be address at all. It is twice a week and he has a beer or two, you even said yourself he doesn't come home late or drunk and is careful not to wake anyone up.

I don't know what you want from him, to teletransport from work to your house and have absolutely no life outside of you and your children? I am sorry but that is incredibly selfish

And honestly everyone saying he's not getting enough time with his child (soon to be children), etc. It's actually only a few hours a day.

I honestly cannot even remember my bed time routine at all or who did it more than the other. My parents both worked full time and to me it's not about quantity but quality. I did not see them all day but when I did they really made the effort to be truly amazing parents so to me it's not about how much time you spend with your children but how you spend it.

Hmm I'm going against the grain here but I think it's pretty rude of him to bugger off two nights a week and just assume that OP will deal with his children. He hasn't checked with her whether she's OK to do all the childcare and housework while he goes to the pub all evening, he has just assumed she will pick it all up.

I'd be annoyed if my husband did that, but then we both work, is that the distinction that people are making?

I v doubt he really would he happy if OP left him alone to do dinner, bath, bed 2x week every week. He already refuses to cook.

His going out for a couple evenings a week is perfectly reasonable imo. If she accepts that its reasonable and okay, but personally makes her unhappy, then hopefully they can come to an amicable solution. If she thinks he's being completely unreasonable and this isn't okay, then what? Threaten him until he stops doing it?

I could tell you are Russian. You need more friends! I regularly go out with my friends, probably once a week, to drink wine and chat.

I think doing bedtime and all the evening tidying/ sorting out for the next day on your own when your child/ children are very small is often hard work.

Obviously if you agree a lone parent you have to do it but if you have a partner it is good to share this. Also your DH is missing bedtime, I presume his only time in the week with his child?

I think I'd ask him to keep.it to once a week unless it a special occasion ( birthday/ leaving do etc ) and I would find something I could do once a week, where I leave as soon as he gets in .

I don't think what he is doing is bad per se but it is a bit unbalanced at the moment I think

To those saying he's missing out on whole nights with the child, He doesn't get in from work till 7-7.30pm anyway. I'm sure at that time the 4year old is in bed anyway.

The 2 night's he goes to the pub is until 10pm, so 2-3 hours, for 2 nights, 4-6 hours a week, that's his social time. His working hours are not social times.

He's not staying out all night. He is not coming in drunk.

At the weekends he's cleans and cooks and go out as a family on a Sunday. He may not cook 5 star meals but he can do basics. He can't come in after work and start cooking meals because he doesn't get home till 7 -7.30pm and that would be pointless waiting for him to come home and everyone starving while she's there during the day.

He's given her his credit card to buy what she wants . He's offered to have a cleaner. He does all the DIY and gardening.

The OP is home for a minimum of 10hours a day. 5 days a week, what on earth is all this cleaning that runs into night time ? I've 5 kids I've never cleaned after 11am, evening time is dinner dishes and the dishwasher does that, or for us as there's so many of us I stick on a wash on at night. There's 3 people there, ones in work all day, one is a 4 year old, how much dirt can actually be created, that in those 10 hours the house can't be cleaned ?

One child at bed time isn't hard at all, if the OP is struggling with one then 2 is going to be impossible.

The OP has her day time coffee meet ups so that's her social out let for now. Her dh has encouraged her to go out more but she rather go to bed at 10.30 as she's wrecked from going all day.

The OP has no issue with her dh working late if he needs to, she'd have no problem if he took up a hobby, however I think that would change considering a hobby would take up way more time. The issue here is he's having 2 pints after work 2 nights a week for 4 hours.

He sounds like a lovely man. He does way more than most men. He sounds generous and thoughtful and if he can't take 4 hours a week to have a couple of pints, then I don't know, there's going to be problems.