Is it ok for my husband to go out?

[bunny85]

Hi all. We've been together with my husband for 9 years, married for 2. He works full time and even overtime very often (he has his own business) and I'm SAHM (4 year old child) and I'm also pregnant. Generally we have a good marriage, he treats me well. But he does go out to the pub sometimes after work with his friends. It is approx 1-2 a week. He usually comes home at around 7pm (works until 6.30pm), but when he goes out he come home at 9-10pm or so. I just want to ask, is it ok for a man to be doing that? He never gets drunk, he usually has 1-2 pints. Thanks!

Can you not decide for yourselves what is okay with you both? Are you concerned that you wouldn’t be able to tell when you’re being treated badly?

I do go out quite a lot during the day, all my friends have little kids so we have play dates constantly, going to parks/cafes etc, but rarely in the evening without kids. I always thought it's nice to spend those precious few hours together, and most of my friends when asked told me their husbands are home by 6pm every night.

Why wouldn’t it be appropriate? Genuine question.

Yes it's a tiny amount of time in a pub, sure he'd only be in order a pint and time to go, I'd hate that myself. I have 2 nights out a week myself, I do one with friends and one with sister's, and we go clubbing nothing wrong with clubbing. DH has one night out a week with his mates and plays cards in one of the houses or here (they take turns) and myself and dh go out once a week and shock horror we might even go to a club lol and we're early 50's. Oh and we do weekends away with family, friends, each other.

Everyone is different, some like certain things some don't, but I really wouldn't be getting upset over a couple of hours twice a week going out.

Of course it’s ok to go out for a few hours a couple of times a week. I’d suggest you do so too - it’s never good to become isolated in a marriage

Not appropriate? 

Your married not his mother fgs @bunny85

Yes it's nice to spend time together it it's also important to have a life away from each other and to spend time with friends. When is he supposed to do that?

ToLiveInPeace I did. I think 7.30 is a reasonable time to be at home after work. I never said this to him btw. It's just what I consider sensible in my mind.

HappySpud you are actually spot on. I'm concerned that I won't recognise when someone is not treating me right. (And no I've never had an abusive relationship, but it's good to give it a check every now and then).

I’m with you, OP, 2 out of 7 is too much for me, and he comes home when it’s nearly bedtime. You probably wouldn’t like it even more with 2 DC.
Tbh our household wouldn’t survive with DH in a pub 2 out of 7 and then me in a pub 2 out of 7. There are always jobs around the house, this and that. But I can easily imagine people having these arrangements and being ok with them.

You can spend the few hours together 5 or 6 nights a week though. I'd be incredibly pissed off if dp started expecting me to stay in more or less every night.

You do your socialising during the day when he’s at work. He does his socialising after work.

Sounds like someone has planted a seed that he should be spending all his time with you and shouldn’t be going out. Who has said what?

OP why dont you go out one evening a week like an evening class or for a swim ?

Most of your friends husbands are home by 6pm? No one I know finishes before 6pm!

It’s honestly fine. Maybe take up a hobby so you have your own mid week plans too?

My husband makes a priority to be home for dinner & bedtime with the kids, even if he is out after that. I do the same and meet up after kids bedtime. My friends’ families are the same. So I think you should address this with him if it’s a problem. It’s not up to us random people on the internet. It’s a problem for 50% of the relevant people, so it’s worth discussing together and finding a solution.

I think that if you feel you don’t spend any time together or you don’t get any support that’s one thing, but a few pints with his mates is neither inappropriate or abnormal. My DP plays 5 a side once a week, pops to see his parents or grabs a pint after work regularly and I do the same if I wish (well not footie, I’m not gifted athletically)

Bunnypenny it's a friend of mine. We had a chat some time ago and she mentioned her husband never goes out and is always home by 6pm. I then asked a couple of other friends and they said roughly same thing...

Embracelife I should absolutely start doing that. It's just that I get so run down by the end of the day that after dinner and some chat I usually go to shower and in bed by 10.30

I think it's ok.. it's not that much time.... everyone needs time outside the home and to see friends and unwind.

Are you from a culture that doesn't really have pubs? I say this because my Italian friend thinks the UK has an odd drinks after work thing, but I would see it as quite normal... obviously not every single night though.

Are you worried that he's going to cheat?

WTF? I can just imagine the responses if a woman came on here and said that her husband didn’t think it was appropriate for a married woman to go out with friends....

Gemma1971 you are very right. I'm originally from Russia and people there (in my circle, anyway) tend to come home after work. Just like your Italian friend I see a pub visit after work a peculiar UK thing.. as for cheating I have absolutely no concerns whatsoever as he has never in 9 years given me a slightest reason to doubt. It's just that probably I'm a bit jealous that on some evenings he's choosing his friends over me (sorry that must sound really nuts, but that's how I feel)

Maybe their husbands are content staying in every night , yours prefers to go out 1 or 2 times a week. It would be unfair to try and drop him. Would you really prefer for him to just go work, home bed, work, home bed every night?

My husband is away Monday morning until around 10.30pm every Friday. In that time he will go out drinking, sometimes he even goes clubbing. I am his wife, not his keeper.
If my husband was in our house from 7.30pm every night I think I would probably have divorced him by now

Oh my god! Sometimes even as late as 11pm!

...

Stop him, not drop him.

Are you happy that you are getting the opportunity to go out together (child-free) often enough?

It sounds like you are the one who needs to go out more. Do you want you and your H to turn into one of those couples who go out for a meal once a year and sit there staring vacantly at one another over the cutlery because they have nothing to talk about? No one is so interesting that you can spend all your liesure time with that one person. ther must be something you like to do - watch films, learn flamenco dancing, join a book group or a pub quiz team.