Is it ok for my husband to go out?

[bunny85]

Hi all. We've been together with my husband for 9 years, married for 2. He works full time and even overtime very often (he has his own business) and I'm SAHM (4 year old child) and I'm also pregnant. Generally we have a good marriage, he treats me well. But he does go out to the pub sometimes after work with his friends. It is approx 1-2 a week. He usually comes home at around 7pm (works until 6.30pm), but when he goes out he come home at 9-10pm or so. I just want to ask, is it ok for a man to be doing that? He never gets drunk, he usually has 1-2 pints. Thanks!

So weird that you think it's not fine tbh! He comes home not late, not drunk and encourages you to socialise too - sounds healthy to me! Stop comparing yourself to other people's relationships, every relationship is different and it's absolutely reasonable for your husband to want some time with his friends.

Adults need to see their friends, do their hobbies sometimes. Better that he does it a couple of times a week on a weekday than go on weekends and miss family time.

You should do the same unless your son is Ebf and very young. It's good for the soul.

I think it's totally reasonable OP.

To be honest, I think your approach (including your acknowledgement that he supports you and encourages you to go out but you choose not to) I much healthier than your friends'. They sound awfully controlling to me and of the type 'if I choose not to have a personal life then you shouldn't either'.

If you're feeling jealous then could you make some dedicated date time for the two of you, either by nice evening plans in or to have child free time elsewhere? You can have your time and he can keep his social time.

I find these replies very helpful, certainly a different perspective. I'm going to look into getting a hobby for myself as per your suggestions, before another baby comes and it will be again forgotten.

Oh how boring life would be if you get married and simply never go out and chill with friends for an evening. Would you do that for the rest of your life? I'd go insane.

You and your husband need to have grown up time away from the kids. Date night, time out with friends separately. Make sure you don't end up just being a mother - still be you - an individual with friends and a life outside. Give you DP space - you will need it. Its a long haul being a parent.

Lolasmiles, we would love to. We often discuss it. But our son is very sensitive and even though he goes to nursery is very attached to us. He wouldn't in a million years go to bed with anyone else (apart from my parents who live very far). This is why our only time together is downstairs when he's asleep

I thought from the way you wrote you were from somewhere else.

I get the impression maybe you need some time away from the children and time down the pub together? In fact, I would say it's essential. See if you can get a relative or babysitter for at least one night/day every couple of weeks and go have fun together.

Too much time with small children can addle the brain me thinks, as adorable as they are, and every couple needs time out from that. Everyone needs to decompress. You are 24/7 childcare and also need a bit of time out. Not with other mothers and their children either. Doing what makes you uniquely you. Spending time alone and spending quality time with your other half without screaming, feeding time and domestic stuff.

Your husband sounds like a dream OP! Bloody hell, if there's a chippy on his route home and he comes in with a bag of scraps and a saveloy for you you'd be blinkin' made!!

Seriously, this is fine. It's actually lovely that he has mates and spends time with them because men can be a bit shit in that respect. Good luck with the baby

I think twice a week every week is a bit much, if it means he’s missing bed/bath time and helping with the kids. You both need time to unwind, and separately. But if you both did it twice a week, when I think your family life may suffer a bit.

I’d never stop my DH going out, but he wouldn’t go out twice a week.

Gemma1971 yes that would be ideal. But sadly not possible right now

Blimey, it's me that goes to the pub 1-2 times a week in this house. DP is happy at home and I need time away sometimes

@Drogosnextwife - what a mad post. So it’s ok for your to go to football 3 days a week and for you to have to arrange holidays around football - !!! - but not for op’s h to go to the pub?? Bonkers. Each to their own.

If my h prioritised football like that it would be a deal-breaker...

Wow you say he is choosing his friends over you for two nights a week but don't see that for 5 nights he is putting the family first - jesus christ and your still complainign about two days!

Poor guy just wants a balanced life and you think thats wrong. I would never ever give up my life like that to come home every night after work and do nothing else. If he was out every night and not pulling his weight its one thing but here he is being normal and supportive and you think thats wrong. [hmmm]

You go out during the day he doesn't get to do that so he takes 2 nights to do it instead. Switch up your life if you don't like it.

Just because you get married or have kids doesn't mean you give your own identity up or your hobbies interests of seeing your friends.

@theunrivalledjoysofparenting

Sorry at what point did I say this was OK? It has been a bone of contention for the last 8 years, I have given up and couldn't care less now if he's here or not. It will never change. Still think going to the pub is different to having a hobby.

You meet your friends during the day with the kids while he is at work. That's your time to catch up and relax and socialize. If he came straight home after work where is his equivalent time? I think he is entitled to a couple of hours twice a week!

bunny85
Bless you both.
In which case look into some nice ways to have date time at home that's a bit more special than just slouching out.

It may also be worth considering whether you could have some time together at a weekend. Could you go for brunch when family or friends have DC? It's probably good to try and maintain that couples time because before you know it DC will be used to having one or both of you there all the time and you'll find it even more tough to get some quality time

Oh, I don’t know, @Drogosnextwife, perhaps the way you said

I wouldn't be happy about it OP. I would be seriously pissed off. Dps football annoys me but its a hobby and he gets paid a small amount to go, he keeps it to himself right enough. The pub is different though.

All you said was the footy annoyed you - but then you qualified that by saying your h gets paid for playing. Nothing about it being ‘a bone of contention’ or that you had ‘given up’. Your guest post was much more positive to your h.

Socialising in the pub is a hobby too...

LolaSmiles that's exactly what happened with our son. I've been having a career break to spend time with him and now he's so totally and utterly used to having me next to him that even to the nursery he still goes only because he has to ("mummy, I missed you today all day and every day!") We mustn't make the same mistake with the new baby or I'll find myself with two persons glued to me for years to come! Also after this baby I'm planning to go back to work, so possibly this would happen naturally anyway.

The pub is not a hobby 😂 maybe for someone with a drink problem.
If my dp was going to the pub till 10 after work twice a week then I doubt we would be together. DP at least cones home after work sees the kids for an hour or so theneaved again.
Your getting your knickers in a right twist about it though.

When I first read your OP i thought it was a reverse but from your follow up posts I dont think it is... do you feel lonely? Just speak to him

Then all the more reason to treat yourself to some you time and/or couples time.
You deserve it and can't spend time feeling bad when you're doing the best you can and by all accounts have a lovely husband who wants to support you in getting out.

I think that sounds ok to me. It sounds like he's home way beyond closing time.

Ladies just to clarify, sorry I didn't mention this in my post, my dh also plays football for 1h and then they to go pub. I considered that as just going to pub event. That happens once a week or once in 2 weeks. The other time is just pub after work. Sorry I should have maybe mentioned this but didn't think it was relevant.

KronksSpinachPuffs what's a reverse? Is it when a man writes pretending to be a woman? If so then no, I'm 100% most definitely a woman and my husband is a man who likes beer

Of course that’s ok. Just see it as time when you can watch trashy tv or whatever. And when your dcs are older and you have times when it’s girls nights out then your dh can look after them then