Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ok for my husband to go out?

183 replies

bunny85 · 11/09/2019 22:05

Hi all. We've been together with my husband for 9 years, married for 2. He works full time and even overtime very often (he has his own business) and I'm SAHM (4 year old child) and I'm also pregnant. Generally we have a good marriage, he treats me well. But he does go out to the pub sometimes after work with his friends. It is approx 1-2 a week. He usually comes home at around 7pm (works until 6.30pm), but when he goes out he come home at 9-10pm or so. I just want to ask, is it ok for a man to be doing that? He never gets drunk, he usually has 1-2 pints. Thanks!

OP posts:
0lga · 12/09/2019 13:33

Obviously it’s only fair that you also go out on your own for 3 hours twice a week. Why don’t you start doing that and stop worrying about him being out ? Unless you have a reason to think he’s NOT out with his mates but is cheating.

Noimaginationxyzz · 12/09/2019 13:35

Bookworm 4 oh that made me smile

Annasgirl · 12/09/2019 13:39

@ Bookworm - words out of my mouth!!!!

AutumnFabreeze · 12/09/2019 13:40

OP, you may be feeling like me. I am a SAHM and I've just been told my DH is going out tomorrow night after work with a client. I think this is a bit short notice for a client and he is probably going out with work colleagues TBH. This will be the 2nd time this week, but only second time in a few months so no, its not too bad and of course he is entitled etc.

My problem is that I very rarely go out. We live in the countryside and it is a major chore to arrange taxi's and there is little to do round here at night. We don't go out as a couple much as we have no support network to baby sit and a babysitter costs about £60 for the night.

For me the problem isn't him going out, it is me being a bit resentful that I don't have much of a social life myself. I am working on this and hoping it will improve.

AutumnFabreeze · 12/09/2019 13:40

Bookworm - my DH used to be an Ironman competitor. That was a right pain in the arse.

SconeofDestiny · 12/09/2019 13:48

You need to agree together how to support each other and make your marriage work.
Everyone is different.

DH going out to the pub twice a week in the evenings wouldn't work for me at all so it's just as well that he's not interested in doing that. Equally, a DH who loves playing sports a couple of times a week wouldn't work for me either, so that's why I'm not married to that sort of man. My DH prefers solitary activities like writing and reading and DIY/gardening. That works for us.

rattusrattus20 · 12/09/2019 13:51

it's totally, 100% fine given that he seemingly drinks so little when out, provided that he's pulling his weight when he is around.

it might well stop being fine for at least a few months once the baby's arrived.

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/09/2019 13:52

It wouldn't fit with my marriage but I think it's very individual. I'd be very sad if twice a week my husband didn't see our child in an evening and so would he. In your situation I think how much overtime your husband does and how much of that is at a weekend would impact on how upset I was.

Original poster
bunny85 · 12/09/2019 14:03

He does quite a bit of overtime at work. Works Saturdays too. Sometimes can stay up to 8pm at work if something needs doing. But I'll repeat myself it has nothing to do with possibility of cheating etc. I'm 100% certain of that as he's never given me any reason. I know for definite he's with his friends, but it's his absence so often (in my opinion) that's making me unhappy. I did take on board all the advices though and going to see how I can either accept or improve this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
bunny85 · 12/09/2019 14:06

Strangely enough when he stays overtime at work, it doesn't bother me in the slightest...

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 12/09/2019 14:22

Strangely enough when he stays overtime at work, it doesn't bother me in the slightest...

So it's probably both envy that your husband is doing something you want to do, but for some reason you feel you can't; and jealousy for 'choosing his friends over you' - which is a fallacy because you're not on two opposing sides but rather both integral to his life.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 12/09/2019 14:23

My fiancé and I often go to the pub after work - twice a week is probably about right. Sometimes we take other people's babies/kids if we're looking after them, and I don't see why we'd stop that when they're our kids... not a problem.

A lot of our friends are "merged" now, so we tend to go out together, but I'd have no problem with an hour or two after work.

Do you miss him, or do you feel like you don't get the same time? Or is this just because you know some strange people whose husbands don't go out (or who misunderstood what you meant? I'd say my fiancé gets home at 6:30 if you asked, but I'd presume you meant from work - I wouldn't count him being at the pub as still being "out" like that, he still got home from work at 6:30!)

from123toabc · 12/09/2019 14:36

of course he can go out! You don't give up the rest of your life just because you get married and have children. Crikey

ineedaholidaynow · 12/09/2019 14:41

For me it is not that he is only out 2 hours when he goes out but that 2 evenings a week he doesn't get to see his child. When I was a SAHM DH would try and be home in time to do DS's bedtime routine as that was his special time with him.

Does he help with the morning routine?

Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 14:50

Yes but he doesn't need to be there every single night for that routine - he needs a break from it, like every sane parent on this planet.

OP probably needs one too, hence the post. Also she is from a different culture to the UK/Irish one, where we typically decompress over a pint or two and a natter with friends.

I think OP needs a break from her childcare a couple of nights a week and is maybe missing sane, non child-related conversation.. her husband gets that, but she doesn't.. And she needs it.

Ilikethisone · 12/09/2019 14:55

OP since he works, which means he is paying the bills so you can stay at home and socialise during the day. Would you prefer to work and him reduce his hours so he can also socialise during the day?

What i am trying to say is that it seems very unfair that you get to socialise, but because he works and cant do it during the day you feel he shouldnt socialise.

The situation is only this way because you both made a choice to stay at home. Very valid choice. But it's incredibly harsh to say 'because you work you cant spend time with your friends'

Original poster
bunny85 · 12/09/2019 16:32

Ineedaholidaynow no he doesn't help with the morning routine (except on Sundays) because he's out of the house by 7.30-8am and DS wakes up at 8-8.30 and then I'm on my own for the rest of the day with him.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 12/09/2019 17:19

So he gets out of some of the bedtime routine, and doesn't do the morning routines, and is out Saturdays. He doesn't really have much time with his DC. Is he planning to have the same routine when the baby arrives?

OP may get to socialise during the day but it sounds as if most of that is with DC in tow, so not quite the same as going to the pub with your mates in the evening.

We are from the UK but among our friends there really isn't a culture of going to the pub after work and then staying out for the rest of the evening.

Original poster
bunny85 · 12/09/2019 17:47

Ineedaholiday now I agree with every single word you say

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 12/09/2019 18:13

So he gets out of some of the bedtime routine, and doesn't do the morning routines, and is out Saturdays. He doesn't really have much time with his DC. Is he planning to have the same routine when the baby arrives?

But most of that time he's out because he's working. A couple of hours twice a week isn't much down time. What's he meant to do work and then home? Maybe he would love to cut down his working time but can't at the moment as he's the sole wage earner? Maybe when op goes back to work he can cut down his working hours to enjoy more family time.

I don't this it's right that he should get no leisure time at all just because he works hard. Op sees her friends a lot during the week so she is getting time to socialise.

Original poster
bunny85 · 12/09/2019 18:24

DecomposingComposers I also fully agree with what you say too... that's what he always says himself, how we'd like to work less and spend more time with family (to which I always reply 'well if you wanted to spend more time with family you wouldn't be going out with your mates instead so why complain' but he doesn't even want to discuss this as he says I don't understand). He has his own business which makes a good profit for us, but is extremely demanding. He is also constantly stressed out. I'm always trying to understand his point and to be honest never actively stop him from going out. It's just the way it makes me feel... and I'm dreading what's to come once the baby arrives, however luckily my parents will come over to help.

As for me going out. I'd actually love to go out more often, but the problems I face are:
-all my friends have babies/young children and aren't really available in the evenings very often
-as I already mentioned my DH often has to stay behind at work and sometimes comes home at 8-8.30 pm. By which time it's to be honest a bit late to go anywhere as I get quite run down myself and just want to have dinner and go to bed...

Basically I seem to agree with all the people on here despite opposite points of view. I just can't figure out who is in the right here, me or him

OP posts:
AMAM8916 · 12/09/2019 18:24

I think your friends are getting into your head a little OP. I don't think you actually have a problem with it really but you're being told you should?

I personally think it sounds like you have a nice marriage. He goes out 1 or 2 nights a week, comes home at a reasonable time, never drunk and he also encourages you to have a social life too.

You're right that you should find a hobby now that you don't end up forgetting about it when the new baby comes.

Don't let your friends interfere in your marriage. It sounds nice, rare to find

SignedUpJust4This · 12/09/2019 18:25

Ineedaholiday is right.

I think 2x week is too much especially for someone who gets in from work so late anyway. It's parenting avoidance.

The only way this might be acceptable to me is if he was home by 6 other nights and fully hands on the whole time he was there and all weekend and I got 2 nights out a week too.

Socialising with kids is NOT the same.

I don't think it's right that someone who sees so little of their children in the week chooses to give up 40% of that time for his mates while his wife has to do bedtime drudgery alone.

Set your own standards OP. You don't like it. Don't do it.

Alfiemoon1 · 12/09/2019 18:36

. He’s not getting out of the morning routine he’s working to support his family so the op can be a sahm. He cant be expected to have no leisure time and if he enjoys a few pints with his friends then it’s shouldn’t be a issue. He’s not coming home drunk or out til all hours

Could he reduce his working hours does he need to do the overtime on Saturdays ?

ineedaholidaynow · 12/09/2019 18:40

What does he do when he is at home OP? Do you have to cook dinner for him when he gets in late from socialising? Does he do his fair share on Sundays?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.