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Original poster

'Emotional rape'

205 replies

Eckhart · 03/09/2019 16:54

I was emotionally abused a few years ago, and ended up quite a wreck. It took me a long time to get my head around what had happened, and the way I'd been treated, and, after a while, I allowed myself to call it 'emotional rape', as I felt fully emotionally violated.

When I told my recent partner what had happened, she told me she didn't want me to call it 'rape', as she had been physically raped in the past, and the word was not appropriate to describe any other circumstance.

I repeated to her that I'd said 'emotional rape', and that I was not under the impression that the two were the same, but she insisted that I was not to use that word in front of her. She told me it was correctly referred to as 'emotional abuse'.

Am I not supposed to decide for myself how to define what happened to me? Or is she reasonable in claiming the word to describe purely physical rape?

OP posts:
Dontcarewhatimdoing · 03/09/2019 16:58

I think it is fine if you want to think of it like that, but you need to respect her request not to use that word when you are speaking to her. It sounds like you have both had a tough time, and need to be kind to each other.

Original poster
Eckhart · 03/09/2019 17:31

@Dontcarewhatimdoing I did say to her that I wouldn't use the word in front of her again.

I've just not been able to settle with the idea that somebody who claims to love me could tell me that I'm describing my abuse 'wrong'. I understand that she might not want to hear the word, but she was claiming that 'emotional rape' is not the correct term.

I suppose my real question is, does 'emotional rape' exist, or am I phrasing it wrongly, and in a way that is offensive to physical rape victims?

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 03/09/2019 17:35

I think it's an inappropriate use of the word. Rape has a very specific meaning, which can't be changed by adding emotional to it.

That does make what you went through any less traumatic than what she experienced, just different.

HereWEgoAGAINnamechange · 03/09/2019 17:36

Would it help to think of it as ‘emotional violation’ or ‘emotionally violated’ as violated itself is a word often used to describe rape so conveys the severity of what happened without triggering your partner.

HJWT · 03/09/2019 17:38

RAPE - to forcee* someone to have sexx* when they are unwillingg, using violencee or threateningg behaviourr.

You were emotionally abused, as horrible as that is, it isn't rape.

LemonAddict · 03/09/2019 17:38

The very definition of rape is physical, I think you’re using it inappropriately and can see why people may see it as offensive.

HJWT · 03/09/2019 17:39

I don't know why it added letters, I copied it from the dictionary 🤷🏻‍♀️

I like @HereWEgoAGAINnamechange definition.

Newmumma83 · 03/09/2019 17:39

I just Wikipedia checked was you emotionally sexually assaulted as the definition of rape is sexual assault .

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape

Newmumma83 · 03/09/2019 17:41

Thesaurus confirms the definition of the word rape being a forced sexual assault ...

Itallt0omuch · 03/09/2019 17:41

No you weren't raped. You were abused but it wasn't rape.

Original poster
Eckhart · 03/09/2019 17:43

So 'emotional rape' is not a thing then. And in describing my own abuse, I was being offensive.

OP posts:
Newmumma83 · 03/09/2019 17:44

Rape seems by definition to be a physical thing, by being emotionally raped you are contradicting yourself.

I would use a different terminology.. it doesn’t make it any less of a bad thing for you but your partner is correct, the fact they just told me they had been raped and you didn’t know would have rocked me a little.

I hope the abuse you suffered as well as your partner is something you can support each other in. As all wounds take a long time to heal x

vanillaicedtea · 03/09/2019 17:45

Emotional rape isn't a term and I can see why she'd find it offensive, tbh.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/09/2019 17:47

What happened to you was awful.

But you can't just create phrases and use words that already have such important meanings.

FelixFelicis6 · 03/09/2019 17:47

Of course it can sound offensive. Surely you can see that? It doesn’t minimise what happened to you.

ChimesAtMidnight · 03/09/2019 17:48

In my opinion, using the word "rape" to describe anything other than physical rape is offensive to all rape victims.
You were abused mentally, emotionally, but you weren't raped.

Raphael34 · 03/09/2019 17:48

I’d find it extremely offensive if someone described behind made upset as ‘rape’. Rape is a specific act. You can’t be ‘emotionally raped’

Original poster
Eckhart · 03/09/2019 17:48

@Newmumma83 It was when I was telling her I had been abused recently. Her physical abuse was many many years ago.

I think that's partly why it felt wrong. I was admitting to her, painfully, the severity of what I'd been through, and her concern was in correcting my wording.

OP posts:
TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 03/09/2019 17:51

I've just not been able to settle with the idea that somebody who claims to love me could tell me that I'm describing my abuse 'wrong'. I understand that she might not want to hear the word, but she was claiming that 'emotional rape' is not the correct term.

Much as I would imagine she has not been able to settle with the idea that someone who claims to love her can appropriate the word 'rape' in this way.

You might have been emotionally violated but, having also been raped and also having had a friend who trivialised it similarly, you're lucky she's still talking to you. I haven't spoken to my 'closest' friend since.

yulet · 03/09/2019 17:52

Yeah, sorry OP. It does sound a bit offensive, and would especially feel that way to someone who had physically been raped. That's not to say that her suffering trumps yours, it's just about the meaning of the word.

Whatever you went through, it sounds like it was traumatic and deserves the "correct" label of it's own.

Are you getting help for it? Flowers

Reallynowdear · 03/09/2019 17:53

She is not 'claiming the word', the dictionary is.

You have been abused, please seek help to try to recover.

Have you been raped? If not, please do not use that term if it hasn't happened to you.

It is not a competition.

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 03/09/2019 17:53

I think that's partly why it felt wrong. I was admitting to her, painfully, the severity of what I'd been through, and her concern was in correcting my wording.

Perhaps that's because your misuse of the word was incredibly upsetting to her and brought back painful memories of a physically and emotionally painful assault that happened to her many years ago that she wasn't expecting to be a feature of her converstion with you about the emotional abuse you experienced.

The fact that she reacted so strongly when it happened so long ago should tell you all you need to know.

I think you owe her an apology.

Original poster
Eckhart · 03/09/2019 17:53

It came from finding out more about what had happened to me, realising that being treated that way is not ok. I didn't invent the phrase 'emotional rape', it's referred to when you read about relationships with narcissists (which is what I believe my abusive partner was)
I won't use it again though, after this post. I stand corrected.

OP posts:
Newmumma83 · 03/09/2019 17:53

@Eckhart not overally offensive to
Me but everyone is different

An x forced themselves physically on my And was emotionally abusive but he was mostly the later so I found that worse,the former was just the icing on the cake in fact took
Me years to admit that being forced to have sex whilst crying because I couldn’t get him off was rape because he was my
Partner ) Neither is nice though.

But if you want to be correct by definition ... and assuming nothing physical happened you can’t use the word rape , though I don’t doubt it felt like you were violated ... perhaps a better word ?

So Sorry you have had such a bad day and I do hope that the person that did it gets a nice dose of karma x

Newmumma83 · 03/09/2019 17:55

@Eckhart if you want to
Keep using the phrase do ... the word rape
On it’s own is not a non physical thing.

I would try to work on healing each other perhaps the phrase is an issue because she is in pain still? It’s an issue for you no doubt because you are in pain from your experience x x