'Emotional rape'

[Eckhart]

I was emotionally abused a few years ago, and ended up quite a wreck. It took me a long time to get my head around what had happened, and the way I'd been treated, and, after a while, I allowed myself to call it 'emotional rape', as I felt fully emotionally violated.

When I told my recent partner what had happened, she told me she didn't want me to call it 'rape', as she had been physically raped in the past, and the word was not appropriate to describe any other circumstance.

I repeated to her that I'd said 'emotional rape', and that I was not under the impression that the two were the same, but she insisted that I was not to use that word in front of her. She told me it was correctly referred to as 'emotional abuse'.

Am I not supposed to decide for myself how to define what happened to me? Or is she reasonable in claiming the word to describe purely physical rape?

Eckhart, I understand how you feel about the term, 'emotional rape', but I think 'emotional assault' is a better description and doesn't minimise the experience.

Sorry you and your partner have had to go through so much.

You can call it serious emotional abuse / severe emotional abuse or emotional assault without minimising your experience and the effect it's had on you.

@Bananaboy9 We have been through different things, not 'better' or 'worse' things. It's not a competition.

I think it's a bit much to talk about a 'monopoly on trauma' when you have no idea about our lives other than one conversation which upset us both, and the rest of this thread in which I have said that my abuse was severe but I'll be finding something else to call it.

We have been through different things, not 'better' or 'worse' things. It's not a competition
No it’s not but it appears you wish it were a competition. I’d rather be emotionally abused (however awful) than raped

I have been raped and tbh I'd be upset and a little angry at the term "emotional rape" I'm actually abit confused why you've put that together

@Poochandmutt No, I called it that because I hadn't really spoken of it much and lots of my research to find out what had happened to me referred to it as that. I had no intention of hurting her - it was a genuine mistake in terminology.

As someone who has been both emotionally abused and physically raped (not by the same person) and I think 'emotional rape' is a horrible term, even though emotional abuse is a terrible thing I feel like it belittles actual physical rape, I can't articulate why though.

Actually thinking it over,I'd be very angry. Emotionally abused yes but emotionally raped?! I actually think you're taking this piss using that term knowing full well what rape means

I have been both raped and emotionally abused and for me the emotional abuse was for more traumatic and has had a far longer lasting impact - I think everyone is different in that respect.

I think your choice of wording was really insensitive, but you’ve obviously taken that onboard so I won’t repeat what PP have said .

I think when we’ve been through something shit we can sometimes envisage our trauma is the worst kind and that other people’s experience “weren’t as bad”. Everyone has their own story and trauma, the best we can do is try and be sensitive

@Bananaboy9 You are stating your preference and so creating a comparison of which you think is better or worse. It is not a competition.

None of us know how badly any experience affects another person. What is true of you is not true of everybody.

@Bananaboy9 I’m not going to vice versa you but I think that’s uncalled for. It’s not a competition, the two are different things that both have an impact. I was far more devastated after I was emotionally abused than after I was raped - it is different for everyone, please just be mindful of that.

@Sparkles57 Thank you for reading the whole thread and accepting that I've accepted my insensitivity!

I have heard one other person say the same as you - that the emotional abuse was worse. Who can know, really, about another's experiences, and the depths of the effects? We are all very different. I think being able to define our trauma in our own terms is what started this issue in the first place.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

I have never heard the term emotional rape before.

I am fully understanding of domestic abuse. Also Physical abuse. I have suffered from this. As has my Mum.

Please don't make up terms to suit you.
As PP said, it's not a competition. But for God's sake, don't minimise others suffering or pretend you can sympathise.

I suggest you should have a good long think before getting into any relationship and question your ethics and motives. As well as your empathy for others.

I’m sorry but the OP is clearly minimising the rape of thousands of women. She’s only saying it’s not a competition because she knows that she sounds ridiculous comparing emotional ‘rape’ to physical rape. I have no doubts that emotional abuse is awful BUT it’s very clear that the OP is struggling to come to terms with the fact that someone has suffered worse than her.

I think you are being disingenuous. It isn’t a competition but I get the impression that you think that she was stealing your moment. Your mention of her rape being long ago wasn’t a slip or ‘badly worded’, it was deliberately used to convey that your experience was fresher and therefore needed more attention.

Rape is a very powerful charged word, precisely why people are appropriating it. She wasn’t raining on your moment when she told you how your use of the word offended her. Was she supposed to keep her mouth shut why your inappropriate use of a word may of triggered her?

Rape needs no prefix.

I can see both sides but personally, I feel the same as your partner.

It isn’t a competition but I get the impression that you think that she was stealing your moment
Agreed

Call it what it feels like to you - she is doing a bit of experience one upmanship claiming her rape was worse than your rape.

@bmbonanza yeah because the OP wasn’t raped...have you not read the thread at all ?

@ConorMcGregorsChin I have used a phrase in upsetting circumstances, and accepted that I was insensitive. My relationship viability and empathy is not in question. There's no need to take down my whole personality because I made a mistake.

One of the pps who said it's not a competition was me. About 10 times. I haven't minimised anybody's experience. Everybody's experiences and responses are different. I've never questioned that.

@Bananaboy9 Stop putting words into my mouth.

It’s possible for the OP to recognise she made an error, which she has done but still be upset that in the moment she was discussing a traumatic event, someone she was choosing to confide in also chose that moment to discuss semantics.

I agree language is vitally important, however just sometimes being a supportive ear trumps the need to correct someone who was obviously trying to describe a traumatic event.

I think the phrase “there’s a time and a place” sums it up nicely.

I think the suggestion the OP is trying to minimise rape is rather pathetic.

@AgentJohnson @Josephineangeline I think you are right with the 'stealing my moment' thing, but it's not because I think my experience was worse than hers, it's because I was upset in that moment and trying to open up to her.

I don't know if my experience, or response to it, is worse than hers. Do you?

Having blogged on NPD for many years, personal exp of abuse and running a group to help ppl who have been through it, never, not once have I heard anyone use the term 'emotional rape'. Because no matter what you might feel, it quite simply isn't an appropriate thing to say.

I can see where you are coming from in some respects...but you were entirely in the wrong to use that word and especially to a rape survivor. I get if it slipped out but the fact that you seem to be contesting your right to use them is quite frankly ridiculous.

Rape is rape, it is not emotional. Emotional abuse from a narcissist is horrible, debilitating, draining, soul destroyingly awful but it is not the same as rape.

You were insensitive to use it to her and many people on this have told you this. So now you know.

someone she was choosing to confide in also chose that moment to discuss semantics

You clearly have no clue how triggering even just hearing the word is, for victims of actual rape.

@JacquesHammer Thank you so much for totally, totally getting my point.