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Original poster

'Emotional rape'

205 replies

Eckhart · 03/09/2019 16:54

I was emotionally abused a few years ago, and ended up quite a wreck. It took me a long time to get my head around what had happened, and the way I'd been treated, and, after a while, I allowed myself to call it 'emotional rape', as I felt fully emotionally violated.

When I told my recent partner what had happened, she told me she didn't want me to call it 'rape', as she had been physically raped in the past, and the word was not appropriate to describe any other circumstance.

I repeated to her that I'd said 'emotional rape', and that I was not under the impression that the two were the same, but she insisted that I was not to use that word in front of her. She told me it was correctly referred to as 'emotional abuse'.

Am I not supposed to decide for myself how to define what happened to me? Or is she reasonable in claiming the word to describe purely physical rape?

OP posts:
iklboo · 03/09/2019 20:08

someone she was choosing to confide in also chose that moment to discuss semantics

What a crass statement.

vanillaicedtea · 03/09/2019 20:08

'Emotional abuse' has a massive definition and lots of degrees of 'did it happen or not?' and 'did it just happen again?'

As does rape. Did it happen or not? I'm sure plenty of people in relationships who were coerced into doing something they didn't want to do have felt this exact same way. Of course, it is rape, regardless, but boundaries were blurred and it can be hard to accept it was rape. Never mind the influx of other people in a court case who are denying it ever happened to you. We only need to look at the dreadful conviction rates to see how many people actively say to rape victims, no, it didn't happen.
Did it happen again? Yep. Plenty of people in relationships who are repeatedly raped yet can't believe their partner who loves them would do such a thing. Yet again, it's rape, but it can be very difficult for the victim to see it as such.

Rape has so many different levels. Of course, they all boil down to it being non consensual, but it ranges from consent being withdrawn while having sex with someone you had consented to, all the way to being attacked by a stranger. All as damaging and traumatic as each other. But the thing is, they were all instances of rape.

Emotional rape simply isn't rape. It's emotional abuse and should be labelled as such. Plenty of rape victims also suffer from emotional abuse, physical abuse and other types of abuse. They are all totally different and need to be kept separate.

JacquesHammer · 03/09/2019 20:10

What a crass statement

And appears factual.

Why couldn’t she simply have listened whilst the OP confided in her, and chosen another moment to say “actually, I’m really glad you were able to confide in me, however x terminology made me uncomfortable”.

As I said sometimes being supportive can sometimes trump the need for accuracy or to make a situation all about you.

Original poster
Eckhart · 03/09/2019 20:13

@vanillaicedtea Those are all seemingly obvious things that I hadn't even thought of.

OP posts:
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 03/09/2019 20:15

For some people just the word 'rape' is incredibly triggering...I know it can be for me. It wasn't about the OP's friend 'making it about her' or semantics.

Original poster
Eckhart · 03/09/2019 20:15

@iklboo Could you tell me what is crass about that statement? I don't see it.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 03/09/2019 20:16

For some people just the word 'rape' is incredibly triggering...I know it can be for me. It wasn't about the OP's friend 'making it about her' or semantics

With respect it could have been. Every person who has been raped reacts differently.

I still think it’s about basic support. It’s not the type I would choose to give.

rededucator · 03/09/2019 20:18

I think that is offensive yes. Not the same but I've heard (mainly men) use the word rape in the wrong context before too and I find it inappropriate e.g I'm going to rape that burger when it arrives. I know you are being less flippant because you are referring to a very real firm of abuse but I think rape has a very specific meaning and so altering that to mean something else is very emotive.

iklboo · 03/09/2019 20:19

It's crass because it's minimising rape by saying your partner was just being petty & bloody minded by being upset about calling emotional abuse 'rape'.

LL83 · 03/09/2019 20:20

Glad you have taken on board that it is insensitive to use the term emotional rape.

I think if you opened up to someone who has never been raped then they should allow you to continue and discuss the terminology at another time. But I understand why a rape victim would not be able to see past this and have to say something immediately as they are personally offended/upset. Although I also understand why being corrected at that point is difficult for you. Hopefully you can both sort it out. I think acknowledging the fact you were insensitive is a big step, hopefully partner accepts that and you can open up at some point in future.

iklboo · 03/09/2019 20:21

With respect it could have been. Every person who has been raped reacts differently.

Precisely. And the OP's partner found the term distressing.

JacquesHammer · 03/09/2019 20:22

It's crass because it's minimising rape by saying your partner was just being petty & bloody minded by being upset about calling emotional abuse 'rape'

I wasn’t minimising rape at all. What a bizarre conclusion. I was saying at that moment it wasn’t necessarily the right time to pull someone up on terms they were using. I would have allowed the OP to continue in their difficult confidences and raised the issue another time.

rededucator · 03/09/2019 20:22

I've seen you reference your 'emotional rape' and her 'physical rape' and now, yes I am annoyed. If someone goes to the police and says they've been raped they don't ask 'was it physical or emotional rape?'. Rape is physically being forced to have sex against your will. You suffered abuse, not rape. Stop trying to claim the term.

JacquesHammer · 03/09/2019 20:22

And the OP's partner found the term distressing

I never said she was wrong in that. But IMO it wasn’t the right time to have such a nuanced discussion in the face of serious confidences.

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 03/09/2019 20:23

If people start using the word rape for everything..

Like 2012 when teenagers were 'Facebook raping' eachother.. it will slowly be just another word, it wont be taken seriously.. and rape obviously isn't to be taken lightly.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I feel like you may feel if you will be taken more seriously if you use the term emotional rape as opposed to emotional abuse. Which isn't the case. It's awful, I'm sorry for you and your partner and I hope you can find comfort and happiness in each other.

Original poster
Eckhart · 03/09/2019 20:23

@MyGhastIsFlabbered We had talked quite openly about her rape before. Yes, I knew she had been raped when I used the phrase I used. It didn't seem like it would be triggering even just to use the word.

I don't even know if she was triggered, or just pissed off I was using the wrong word when discussing something serious. It seemed like the latter, but of course, that could be because she was triggered.

We don't know whether it was 'making it about her' or 'semantics'. It could have been any of the above.

OP posts:
iklboo · 03/09/2019 20:25

I understand that's how you feel you'd react Jaques. But the OP's partner is entitled to feel how she felt. And speak up at the time if she needed to.

HattieMcNastie · 03/09/2019 20:25

Sorry but I think that is very offensive.

And you should apologise to your friend

JacquesHammer · 03/09/2019 20:26

But the OP's partner is entitled to feel how she felt. And speak up at the time if she needed to

And the OP is entitled to feel upset about it by the same vein surely....

Original poster
Eckhart · 03/09/2019 20:27

@rededucator I have stopped.

Stop commenting without reading the thread.

OP posts:
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 03/09/2019 20:28

Sorry I was just reacting to the posters who seem determined to make OPs partner the 'bad guy' for reacting to the term. You're entitled to talk about your experiences and she's just as entitled to react the way she did. Without the partner here it's impossible to tell why she said what she did when she did.

iklboo · 03/09/2019 20:28

I never said the OP wasn't entitled to feel upset. I actually said she could have chosen a different phrase.

rededucator · 03/09/2019 20:28

Fair play OP

TacoLover · 03/09/2019 20:30

Rape isn't rape because of violation though. Being violated doesn't mean you have been raped in some way. Rape can only ever be non consensual penetration(in UK law, by a penis). So without trying to cause offence, you feeling violated by emotional abuse doesn't entitle you to say you were somehow raped.

JacquesHammer · 03/09/2019 20:30

Sorry I was just reacting to the posters who seem determined to make OPs partner the 'bad guy' for reacting to the term

It’s not about good guy vs bad guy though. It’s about dealing with stuff at an appropriate time. I guess I would never find a conversation when I was learning some difficult things about my partner for the first time, the right time to discuss use of terminology.