'Emotional rape'

[Eckhart]

I was emotionally abused a few years ago, and ended up quite a wreck. It took me a long time to get my head around what had happened, and the way I'd been treated, and, after a while, I allowed myself to call it 'emotional rape', as I felt fully emotionally violated.

When I told my recent partner what had happened, she told me she didn't want me to call it 'rape', as she had been physically raped in the past, and the word was not appropriate to describe any other circumstance.

I repeated to her that I'd said 'emotional rape', and that I was not under the impression that the two were the same, but she insisted that I was not to use that word in front of her. She told me it was correctly referred to as 'emotional abuse'.

Am I not supposed to decide for myself how to define what happened to me? Or is she reasonable in claiming the word to describe purely physical rape?

So rape has a current legal meaning. It also has an older broader meaning. But the meaning of the word isn't what matters, it's the nature of your relationship.

You can only sort that out with her, not by arguing with inessential people online.

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles You can't see this for what it is.

Fuck it. I don't know why I let myself get sucked into this utter utter bollocks, goady at best and sinister at worst. I hope MN delete it and those of us who recognise it for what it is will hopefully report it.

I'm done.

@picklemepopcorn My aim with the thread was not to sort out the relationship. It was to 'ask the audience' what they thought of my terminology. It's been very useful!

I was on your side completely and was impressed when you agreed you had been in the wrong and wouldn't use the term again, especially not to rape survivors.
Then today you've decided to share that your partner wasn't raped, either actually. Like 'aha! get a load of this after all your replies empathising with my partner'. You've gone back on yourself also. That's why this seems disingenuous and like there was an agenda here.
When speaking in terms of criminality, there is one and only one meaning to the word in the legal sense and anyone looking to appear clever and enlightened by claiming otherwise is being a dick and they know it.

@Eckhart if my friend came and said what you said, that they had been through an emotionally abusive relationship and felt emotionally raped, I would feel empathy and solidarity, and in no way would I 'correct' them, it wouldn't even occur to me. I would never police someone's use of language because I was triggered. Life doesn't work like that. Fair enough if you used it in the wrong context but I don't think you did.

Emotional abuse is so insidious and strips you of your confidence and self worth. It's a perfect description to be honest.

No it isn't.

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles

100%

One person on the thread agrees with OP and everyone should now comment on this?? Really??

OP use the word, dont use the word. It is your call. It will cause a lot of people to judge you as an I'll educated dick.

But if that hat is cosy for you, wear it to your hearts desire.

@Sagradafamiliar I appreciate your explaining. Until this thread, I thought a woman could rape another woman. I thought it meant 'penetration without consent', but didn't realise that the penetration needed to be by a penis. So when my partner told me she was raped by a woman, I thought she'd been raped.

I didn't hold back what I knew so I could 'get a load of this' to Mumsnet. I didn't know! I'm at a loss to think what my agenda could be, anyway. As far as I'm concerned, my initial post has been answered: the majority think I was using the term wrongly, and I can understand why. Now it's just turned into an interesting discussion with some people with differing opinions, and a few swear words and insults!

Her physical abuse was many many years ago.

And? She was raped and that will stay with her forever. Your emotional abuse is awful but nowhere near rape and I find it disgusting you would use the word in that way.

There is no such thing as emotional rape. If I’d been raped I’d find this hugely offensive.

Why don’t you go the whole hog and say it was an “emotional holocaust” just to be even more incorrect, inappropriate and offensive?

Calling people dicks because they don't agree... Classy.

@overnightangel Because I've realised my error and won't be calling it 'emotional rape' again.

Read the thread before you take me down.

Eckhart, WeBuilt explained very well what the agenda looks like.
It really isn't about opinions as the fact is, there is only one meaning to that word. It's not subjective. One poster is choosing to say the word has another meaning but that is out of context and that poster knows it. The other meaning relates not to humans, but landscape/places.

The other user is saying that if that's how they feel they have every right to use that phrase. By adding the world 'emotionally' they put it into context. It's a word. You don't own it.

@Sagradafamiliar Well, I've said I don't have an agenda. It's interesting that gender seems so important to @WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles but they won't explain why. I would like to know why. I am obviously assumed to be a man, and that came up at exactly the same time as I was accused of having an agenda. I suspect WeBuilt to have an agenda too.

And others have the right to judge her for it

All for equality

Cry claiming you've been called a dick because someone disagreed with you....obtuse.

'No one owns a word' oh that old chestnut. No one owns language but insensitive or uneducated people can use it out of context and incorrectly to provoke others.

Yeah they do, but they don't have the right to start calling people dicks and uneducated... Well I guess they do have the right but they only make themselves look bad.

@chickenyhead I'm not goading. I'm being called a lot of rude things by sweary people, though.

I'm cool with someone like that or similar thinking what the hell they want of me

@chickenyhead Yes, all for equality. So stop insulting people for their views.

What is your view on it now, OP?