'Emotional rape'

[Eckhart]

I was emotionally abused a few years ago, and ended up quite a wreck. It took me a long time to get my head around what had happened, and the way I'd been treated, and, after a while, I allowed myself to call it 'emotional rape', as I felt fully emotionally violated.

When I told my recent partner what had happened, she told me she didn't want me to call it 'rape', as she had been physically raped in the past, and the word was not appropriate to describe any other circumstance.

I repeated to her that I'd said 'emotional rape', and that I was not under the impression that the two were the same, but she insisted that I was not to use that word in front of her. She told me it was correctly referred to as 'emotional abuse'.

Am I not supposed to decide for myself how to define what happened to me? Or is she reasonable in claiming the word to describe purely physical rape?

Hi Eckhart,

I specifically signed up to reply to you. The comments so far have not been at all supportive and I just want to tell you that you are not alone in what you are feeling.

I have only recently discovered "emotional rape" is actually a thing. I have found a few articles online and a book about it too. I have struggled for SEVENTEEN years with scars that have severely affected me, desperately trying to understand what happened. Knowing something bad happened, but not knowing what. Unfortunately you cant move forward/recover/heal until you actually have a correct "diagnosis".

When I read about other accounts of emotional rape, the lists of feelings/symptoms, and what happened during the relationship, I ticked all the boxes. So familiar. It was exactly like my own experience. FINALLY everything made sense. And I felt so overwhelmingly relieved to know it had a name.

Unfortunately it is not really recognised. The reality is that unless you have actually been through it you just cannot understand. It makes no sense.

It is NOT the same as emotional abuse. I grew up in an emotionally abusive household and there is a difference.

I know rape is an incredible strong and emotive word, but that is an accurate description for what has happened to you. One of the "signs" is actually spontaneously coming up with that phrase to describe it, even though you didn't know that terminology existed.

Whereas physical rape involved the withholding of something - the consent of the victim, emotional rape involved a withholding - of the true intentions of the perpetrator. The victim's highest values of love and trust are used and abused for the perpetrators own hidden agenda.

When describing my situation to my husband, before any of this was reaffirmed by what I read online, I said I felt totally violated. Used and abused in a way I never had before. I said I had given EVERYTHING to this person, every part of myself. I was completely open and honest with who I thought was not only my best friend but my soul mate. I have not been able to be that way even with my own husband of 15 years, who truly deserves it, because of the trauma my ex left me with. An effect of emotional rape is difficulty trusting and loving again.

I also said to hubby that while I don't make light of physical rape at all, I feel like I would have preferred to have been physically raped by a stranger, because at least I would have known what that was.

With emotional rape you usually don't recognise it for a long perood of time (if ever). Characteristics usually include mega confusion (things don't seem to make sense - in contrast, when there is 2 way open and honest communication there is no confusion!), denial, and loads of self-blame.

The perpetrator usually is good looking and very charismatic and confident, but in actuality is lacking deeply in self esteem and empathy. They are compelled to fill a "need" (usually sexual, financial or the need for power and control) and are completely self absorbed in the fulfillment of that, without taking into consideration the impact they have on others in doing so.

It is very real trauma to have your mind and emotions f*ed like that by someone you completely trust. When you were completely genuine but they were manipulative from the very beginning.

There is no doubt your friend has experienced a devastating trauma, but she is trying to deal with that and doesn't have the ability to even consider what has happened to you. You may need to be very selectively who you talk to about it (unfortunately) as you need support, rather than to be victim blamed or made to feel like what you went through doesn't matter.

X

Sorry, I haven't read the entire thread so I don't know if this has been said before but there's a popular book called psychopath free which deals with toxic relationships and she referred to abusive relationships with psychopaths as emotional rape.

You didn't do anything wrong, but I agree with the PP's who've said best not to call it that with her, as you've decided yourself.

I've heard people refer to 'psychological rape' before, so 'emotional rape' I can conceive of.

I can see why your GF mightn't like it due to her own trauma- which doesn't mean you did anything wrong. As you were hurt and felt that she was too concerned about the wording rather than the substance of your experience, you could talk to her about how you felt when she said that.

If your ex was that much of a wrong'un, I imagine they were also sexually unpleasant/coercive etc anyway- abusers often are.

Hugs and best wishes xxxxx

' My aim with the thread was not to sort out the relationship. It was to 'ask the audience' what they thought of my terminology. It's been very useful!'

I don't think this was the sole reason for the thread (which is fine.)- it's clear in your original post that you felt that your partner's response to you talking about something traumatic that happened to you was to 'tell you off' or more, and you found that hurtful. I can understand that. When you feel ready I hope you can talk to her further about it, an hopefully she'll respond in a way that you feel is more sympathetic. xxx

Sorry, read and wrote my comment in a hurry and now have gone back over your post. I missed that it was your partner that was triggered. I'm sorry, that's difficult and obviously needs sensitivity (though that goes both ways).

I think the real problem is that there is not yet a formal word in the field of psychology to describe this scenario, so we have been left to use the language we already have to try to describe what is very real (and horrific) for us.

While there are differences, there are also many similarities for me psychologically, including a complete breakdown of self esteem, loss of trust in others as well as self (ie how can i trust myself when I was attracted to someone like this), fear of socialising/going out because it will happen again (and you can't even tell when it's happening), feeling completely depleted with nothing left to give/unmotivated (makes daily life hard too) and a crisis of self/existence and no longer feeling safe to be yourself (my personality changed and I have only realised in the last couple months my husband has never met the "real me". I've suffocated her because I felt it was dangerous to be her). I have flashbacks/triggers, unwanted thoughts and similarities in even the most intimate moments when I dont want them, which causes disconnection with my spouse and anger at myself that my ex seems to still have power to be destroying my life, though I want to be totally free of those shackles. I never asked for it. Displaced anger. And loads of self blame.

Your use of the term was not meant to be offensive, but rather descriptive of your pain (which while unfortunate as a trigger, does describe it well). You were reaching out openly to talk about it with your partner, which I think is very courageous. I feel sad that you didn't get the support you were hoping for because of the terminology you used, but your partner being triggered is descriptive of where she is at with her own trauma (perhaps feeling like her own pain was somehow invalidated by your words.)

As has been said, it's not a competition to determine whose experience or pain is worse. You both have to deal with your individual trauma (regardless of what it's called), hopefully together too, especially if your relationship is going to thrive.

I personally strive to look deeper at the meaning of what is trying to be communicated rather than the words used, but it's very hard to do and I do still struggle to not react to words sometimes.

I'm very lucky my husband sensed what happened to me before I even did. He saw the manipulation for what it was, but struggled with my seemingly "illogical" reactions to it (ie, denial, justifying/protecting my perpetrator because of the bond that was built etc). It actually wasn't until I used that term with him that he finally felt like he understood me. He then spent time looking things up so we had a common understanding, and has been incredibly supportive. He was relieved to know that the way I was responding dysfunctionally to him wasn't personal, because of something he did wrong, but because of what happened to me at the hands of another. So I guess there is an example of how the terminology can perhaps in some instances be useful.