Am I overreacting? Confused

[Seekingclarity01]

Hi I'm looking for some advice about aspects of my relationship, will try to keep it as brief as possible...

I've been with my OH for almost 6 years, living together for 2 (no children yet). Over the last few months I feel like my eyes have been opened to certain things that he does that I feel aren't quite right, but then I also wonder if i'm just being over dramatic. Things such as:

• He is very critical of things I do. Example when I have cooked dinner which I do every night he always has a negative thing to say (I’m not a bad cook in my & others opinions) rarely a thank you/positive comment, if I’ve done the washing he’ll criticise how I have hung it to dry. If we're doing DIY i'm never doing right etc etc. Just a few examples but basically he very often treats me like I am incapable & inept & I realise it is chipping away at my confidence.

-He is very 'grabby' which obviously means he really fancies me but it bothers me how much he does it and out of context IYSWIM. For example he will grab my boobs or sometimes between my legs out of the blue (i.e. when I’m doing something in the house/we are watching tv). I’ve told him it makes me uncomfortable.. he’ll stop but then I’ll notice within a week or so he’ll be doing it again. He also constantly tweaks my nose which sounds silly and like nothing but it is incredibly annoying and I always ask him not to. He also makes me feel guilty when I am not in the mood for sex but he is. this sometimes makes me feel like I have to do things to avoid conflict.

• He always has to be right. Recent example of this is we are currently decorating our new place & he was saying what we needed to do to prepare the walls for painting. I thought what he had suggested sounded like a lot of unnecessary work so said "I wonder how D and A do it, I'll ask D what she thinks" (our friends who have renovated 2 flats & 1 large 5 bed house so lots of expertise). He went mad saying I should never need to ask someone elses opinon when he has already stated what we've to do. He was so angry & didn't talk to me for several hours afterwards. Said it meant I don't trust him?

– When I try to talk to him about any of these things or anything I am upset about in the relationship he shuts down and refuses to communicate with me. he will just stare off into space.. He claims he ‘can’t bare me crying’ and just completely disengages. If he does say anything it is often that I am too sensitive or wrong and he often brings up things that I have done wrong and shifts the conversation.

Now that I'm typing this out it does sound bad. He is lovely much of the time and has been very supportive of me in the past when I've had a long period of illness. I don't know if I'm reading too much into things and picking at things or whether this is all a sign of something bigger?

Please help me unscramable my thoughts?

He is a horrible bully and this is abusive behaviour. Have you got anyone in rl that you can talk to about this?

Why on earth do you keep cooking him dinner if he criticises it every time?
He'd be cooking his own friggin' dinner.
So that's the first thing. Stop cooking dinner. Tell him as he doesn't like your cooking then he can do it from now on.

Secondly, tell him you won't be doing his washing anymore.
As you can't seem to do it properly and he is a grown up, he can do his own washing and hanging up from now on as they way you do it is not good enough.

Basically, he really doesn't like you.
I do wonder why you are doing all the washing and cooking.
Does he do household chores?
If so, what are they?

He sounds like a bully and he's knocking your confidence.
Anyone who is chipping away at my confidence is not OK and you shouldn't be with them.
But you already know this.
I hope writing all that out has made your realise that this is not OK.
This will get worse if you have kids with this 'man'
The controlling abuse will ramp up massively.
Time to put you first now and realise you are worth far far more!

He will not change because he sees nothing wrong with his behavior.
You Do see something wrong so you need to make changes. Leave now before you are trapped with a child and cannot disengage. Live alone until you find someone who appreciates you.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Giving you spaghetti head is precisely what abusers do to their chosen target. Your best course of action here is to make plans to leave him and as soon as possible. There is no reasoning with someone like him.

Do not wait around for this man to have an epiphany re his behaviour because he will not. He knows exactly what he is doing here and is enjoying seeing your discomfort and displeasure. He is doing this because he feels entitled to do so and because he can.

Abusers can be "nice" sometimes but that is really part of their nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. I would think that this from him has built up over time since the very early days of your relationship. I also think he deliberately targeted you as well.

Do enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid; abusers like this weaken boundaries and take an awful long time to recover from.

Yep agree abusive behaviour which has probably built slowly over the years that you've only just noticed it. Unfortunately it will continue to escalate until he is either physically abusive or has destroyed your mental health. I've.been there but mine happened in a much shorter space. My ex also used to say he couldn't stand me crying and actually got angry at me when I cried!! He undermines you and doesn't respect you. It will get worse I'm afraid especially if you have children or get married. Leave now because you have those ties and he ruins your life

You're under-reacting. Does anything else from here sound familiar? www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

He is lovely much of the time

Of course he is. Nobody would stay with abusive men if they were horrible all the time. Does not mean the rest of the time when he is not nice does not matter.

No, you are not over reacting, you're under reacting.

He doesn't respect or listen to you, do you want that for the rest of your life?

Why are you with this guy? He treats you so badly. You deserve better.

He sounds awful. The nose tweaking alone would be enough for me to leave him! Honestly I know that sounds petty compared to the other things you've posted, but it would drive me up the wall and shows he has no respect for any part of your body.

Thank you all so much for the replies so far. It's really helping seeing it put so plainly that it's most definitely not ok. As did writing it out. I feel so daft that it has taken me til now to realise.

@Bigmango I do I can speak to my mum as we are close or maybe a friend but think it will be difficult for me to bring up as they only see the good side of him

@hellsbellsmelons I do the cooking/washing because if i didn't he wouldn't do it. He does zero housework. You're right, I know it's not ok & it is time to put me first. I have felt in a confused fog for months but this is helping.

@AttilaTheMeerkat spaghetti head is exactly how it feels. I'm not getting much out of it now. I suppose only the times when he is nice. and the memories of how things used to be.

And this is how it is now. It will only continue and get worse. Get out now while he's only chipped away at 'some' of your confidence. You'll be a shell in years to come.

Do you have real life support?

@Defeated10 I think you're right is has built up slowly, as I've begun to wake up to it I have also looked back at things from years ago which i never thought anything of at the time but which now raise question marks in my mind. Interesting that your ex did the same with crying, my OH also gets angry it's horrible

@KatharinaRosalie I do recognise a few more things from that link you shared too. Still can't quite believe this is falling under abuse but it clearly is.. The nice times defintely create confusion

@LizzieSiddal definitely not

@sunshinesupermum He hasn't always been like this and the nice/good times are very good.. it's only recently things have got worse to the point where I'm noticing all these behaviours regularly

@Chitarra I know it sounds like the most petty thing of the bunch but it's infuriatingly irritating. I don't know how i've put up with it. The more I type & read replies the stupider i feel for letting him get away with these things

I feel so daft that it has taken me til now to realise.

Do not feel daft, you have recognised it now and that's the important thing.x

seekingclarity

He hasn't always been like this and the nice/good times are very good.. it's only recently things have got worse to the point where I'm noticing all these behaviours regularly

Then you either need to find out why he's changed and what has caused it or walk away before he hurts you psyically as well as emotionally.

Tell everyone - friends and family.
Make this real.
Show them this thread if you need to so they understand the issues properly.
But please get away from him.
He does fuck all and then criticises what you do!?? Fuck that.
Please stop doing anything for him from now on.
Make your plans to separate.
Get legal advice if you need to.
But get real life support around you.

You're really getting nothing out of this relationship and now the fog he has enveloped you in is slowly clearing.

As I wrote earlier abusers can be "nice" sometimes but that is really part of their nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. I would think that this from him has built up over time since the very early days of your relationship. I also think he deliberately targeted you as well.

Abusers as well can be quite plausible to those in the outside world but you know what he is like behind closed doors. Abuse as well thrives on secrecy, do not keep his treatment of you a secret any longer. You have indeed taken a small, but important, step out of this relationship by writing about it on here. Keep that momentum going.

Do not let memories of how nice he was at all keep you with this man now. That is a version of the sunken costs fallacy and that also causes people to make poor relationship decisions.

Womens Aid could also help you too.

when I have cooked dinner which I do every night he always has a negative thing to say (I’m not a bad cook in my & others opinions) rarely a thank you/positive comment,

The first time he criticised should have been the last time you cooked for him. But you can stop now. He thinks you’re a bad cook? He’ll be Glad not to have to eat your meals any more, right?

if I’ve done the washing he’ll criticise how I have hung it to dry.

As above, the first criticism should have been the last time you washed his clothes. Seriously. Never do something again for someone who isn’t grateful.

If we're doing DIY i'm never doing right etc etc.

Same as above. You know what to do now. Withdraw your unappreciated services.

But tbh the rest of your post makes it clear you shouldn’t be in this horrible relationship. This man has zero respect for you so he certainly doesn’t love you.

He is lovely much of the time

Yeah yeah yeah, so was Hitler. It doesn't matter how lovely someone is when they're in a good mood, it matters how they treat you when in a bad mood.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Consider that question too.

You are not daft to have not spotted this from him earlier. Abuse like you describe is truly insidious in its onset and does creep up on people unawares. You are not the first one to be caught up in an abusers dysfunctional web.

Do not become pregnant by him!!.

I’m glad you posted and that from writing it out & Reading the replies you’ve come to realise it’s not right

Don’t worry if you can’t see it as ‘abuse’. It’s a BUG word these days and it can be a ‘big brick wall’ to solving the problem

He IS being abusuve, don’t get me wrong! I’m just saying don’t get hung up on that, focus on the solution.

The solution, of course, is separating. 6 years feel like ‘a long time’ but innthe scheme of your whole life, it really isn’t!

You say you don’t have kids ‘yet’ so move on from him now and find someone much better to have a family with.

Obviously he supported you in the past & isn't all bad (people aren’t, or no one would stay with them!!)

There’s another thread this morning where the poster was in your position, but now she’s had a baby it’s escalated and he’s screaming at their baby - don’t let it come to that!

What’s your housing situation?
Work?
Etc?

Op of course you arent stupid

Andy I’ve men don’t start full on abusive else no one would be with them

They chip away and every time their behaviour is accepted they go a bit more, a bit nastier and a bit more controlling

Any attempt by you to check it or call it out is met with sulking or accusations that you are difficult or unkind

Your post is so full of red flags it’s such a sad thing to read

Please get some help
And if friends and family tell you it’s ok and not abuse then ask them if they want to live with him and his behaviour.

You KNOW this isn’t right and not the future you deserve or need

It will get worse and wise and not your strength will be eroded until you can’t leave even if you desperately want to

Please do it now. You deserve so so much more than this man

Abusive men don’t start...

Not trying to tar all Andys with the same brush sorry

I do the cooking/washing because if i didn't he wouldn't do it

Just do your own. If what you do for him is not good enough, he can do his.
Does he do anything for you?