Am I overreacting? Confused

[Seekingclarity01]

Hi I'm looking for some advice about aspects of my relationship, will try to keep it as brief as possible...

I've been with my OH for almost 6 years, living together for 2 (no children yet). Over the last few months I feel like my eyes have been opened to certain things that he does that I feel aren't quite right, but then I also wonder if i'm just being over dramatic. Things such as:

• He is very critical of things I do. Example when I have cooked dinner which I do every night he always has a negative thing to say (I’m not a bad cook in my & others opinions) rarely a thank you/positive comment, if I’ve done the washing he’ll criticise how I have hung it to dry. If we're doing DIY i'm never doing right etc etc. Just a few examples but basically he very often treats me like I am incapable & inept & I realise it is chipping away at my confidence.

-He is very 'grabby' which obviously means he really fancies me but it bothers me how much he does it and out of context IYSWIM. For example he will grab my boobs or sometimes between my legs out of the blue (i.e. when I’m doing something in the house/we are watching tv). I’ve told him it makes me uncomfortable.. he’ll stop but then I’ll notice within a week or so he’ll be doing it again. He also constantly tweaks my nose which sounds silly and like nothing but it is incredibly annoying and I always ask him not to. He also makes me feel guilty when I am not in the mood for sex but he is. this sometimes makes me feel like I have to do things to avoid conflict.

• He always has to be right. Recent example of this is we are currently decorating our new place & he was saying what we needed to do to prepare the walls for painting. I thought what he had suggested sounded like a lot of unnecessary work so said "I wonder how D and A do it, I'll ask D what she thinks" (our friends who have renovated 2 flats & 1 large 5 bed house so lots of expertise). He went mad saying I should never need to ask someone elses opinon when he has already stated what we've to do. He was so angry & didn't talk to me for several hours afterwards. Said it meant I don't trust him?

– When I try to talk to him about any of these things or anything I am upset about in the relationship he shuts down and refuses to communicate with me. he will just stare off into space.. He claims he ‘can’t bare me crying’ and just completely disengages. If he does say anything it is often that I am too sensitive or wrong and he often brings up things that I have done wrong and shifts the conversation.

Now that I'm typing this out it does sound bad. He is lovely much of the time and has been very supportive of me in the past when I've had a long period of illness. I don't know if I'm reading too much into things and picking at things or whether this is all a sign of something bigger?

Please help me unscramable my thoughts?

Sorry he is an abuser

This will get worse

Why are you staying with him?

@LizzieSiddal Thank you x

@hellsbellsmelons I'm going to message my mum and some friends this afternoon. Let them know what's been going on. Seperating seems so daunting right now but I can now see it is what I need to do

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you, I am going to keep the momentum going. Starting with reaching out to my mum and some friends

@avocadoincident Haven't told anyone IRL yet but am going to today, so I think I will have support yes

@IncrediblySadToo It is a big word and I can't really get my head around that being what this is. Not getting caught up on that word is good advice thank you. 6 years does feel like a long time.

Housing situation is that we live together in a house that he bought earlier this year it's suppose to be 'our house'. All in his name but I did put my savings towards the deposit. This was BEFORE these things started to become clear to me. I genuinely didn't think it was a problem. I thought I was going to be with him forever :(
The plan was to add me to the mortgage once I'm in full time employment again (currently job hunting, that's another story). So this is making me feel stupider because I will walk away with no savings.

@Whatevskev Thank you. It means a lot being told I haven't been stupid. It really did creep up until wham..the last few months it got to the point where I could see the things he was doing weren't right.

I already feel like leaving is going to be so hard. I feel drained

My emotionally abusive ex also used to get angry at me crying (along with a lot of other things, including if I wasn't in the mood/ready for sex). I look back now at times he stood over me laughing, saying "what is wrong with you?" as I was in floods of tears and it fills me with horror.

What a PP said about all abusive men being lovely sometimes is so true, too. That's how it works, that switching between the two - if they were just always horrible you'd be out the door within a month of meeting them.

@KatharinaRosalie He drives me places occasionally.. now that I'm trying to answer your question I can't think of anything other than that..

RUN.

Drives you occasionally? So I ben you sit there and criticize his driving and parking, just like he does with your cooking? Ah no, you're expected to be eternally grateful, right?
He's not a nice man. And I hope you have evidence about the money you paid for the house deposit.

He is lovely much of the time

OP i know it's hard but nobody has ever treated me so beautifully as my ex when he wanted me back or was in a good mood. He also punched me.

Judge people by their credentials, not their potential.

I get how hard it is, I've been there, but your partner should be on your team.

You aren't stupid, I clawed my way from foster care to a degree and then set up a business employing others.

My ex did fuck all but was totally entitled. I'm an intelligent woman but he had me convinced that I was the lucky one.

Master manipulators are incredibly talented at their art - get out now before you share a lifelong commitment like a new life in this world.

Ps the same ex was AMAZING when I was incredibly (life threatening) ill and I was always be grateful for that, but he definitely used it as his "nice guy" social currency when being vindictive behind closed doors.

OP he sounds SO much like my DP. He does every single one of those things. He likes to have this strange role, almost like teacher and student. I'm always patronised/criticised/chastised/in trouble for something. Every bloody dinner gets a full food critique-style evaluation. It's so confusing and a huge head fuck. Probably doesn't help that I'm 10 years younger than him.

No advice sorry but it's crap sometimes

Go and see a lawyer regarding your savings, OP.

It's not daunting to leave a man like this - it is daunting to think of staying with him, though.

The crying thing is the most hurtful I think. Completely disengages or even accuses me of faking it. I don't cry much and I certainly couldn't fake it if I tried! If you're able to, escape and find someone respectful.

@KatharinaRosalie scarily spot on.. I have to be grateful when he drives me places like he's doing me a massive favour.

@ThatCurlyGirl thank you for your reply, these are helping so much especially hearing from others who've been through similar. I feel like my partner is the same with using the fact he supported me through illness as 'proof' of what an amazing guy he is. He recently threw it back in my face too when he shouted at me that I should be more grateful that he stayed with me through that during the illness.
Leaving seems like a monumental task I'm a bit scared of doing it and don't know how I'd bring it up to him

@Seekingclarity01 Thank you for being brave enough to post on here.

I also lived with someone like this and it took me a long time to realise. I just finally woke up one morning and realised I didn't know who I was any more. I was bending over backwards so much, trying to make him happy and not spark off another shouting match, that I lost myself in the process.

I know it's scary now, but it's great that you are taking advice on board and going to talk to people in real life. I cannot tell you the relief once you're finally out and able to be YOU again. You can do this.

Keep posting here any time you need any support.

@Orangepancakes So sorry to hear that you're dealing with a partner like this too.Hugs. It is crap. The student/teacher thing rings a bell with me. It's like he feels the need to correct or educate me (and we're the same age and both have masters degrees so it's not like he is more intelligent than me though he definitely thinks he is)

@HollowTalk I will look into that thank you. You're right the other option is far more daunting.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy thank you thank you so much for your kind words. I will keep posting for support.

You're welcome @Seekingclarity01

I feel like my partner is the same with using the fact he supported me through illness as 'proof' of what an amazing guy he is. He recently threw it back in my face too when he shouted at me that I should be more grateful that he stayed with me through that during the illness.

In time I've come to separate the two sides of someone.

I said to my ma even today, god he was amazing at the time - honestly absolutely amazing and I'll never ever forget it or stop being thankful for it - when I was ill (he literally had to change my tampons).

But, cheating on me before and after isn't outweighed by this behaviour and I am allowed to decide that I can't cope with someone lying to me and gaslighting me.

He cheated and lied and lied and lied and I am allowed to say that him looking after me when I was so critically ill doesn't mean I can cope with him having cheated before and after.

It will take years to undo all this for me personally but I'm hoping it will result in me having healthy relationships!

Sorry you're going through this OP it's hard enough going through a break up, let alone a head fuckery one!

I hope from this thread op that you can see that sadly your situation is very common and that you are not alone. Many of us here recognise what you are talking about and can tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel... you just need to step inside the tunnel to make the first move to leave.

Your real life support will know that people put on a show for public appearances but that behind closed doors people can be completely different. It might turn out that people say that they never liked him anyway?!

You can do this. X

@Seekingclarity01 don’t get caught up in how long you have been together and it being wasted time

I’m a lifetime it’s a tiny drop in the ocean and sometimes we have to go through the rubbish to appreciate the good bits

Financially well it’s not ideal but take legal advice and look for any proof you have about your savings being used etc.
I’m the end of it costs you get free then it’s been money well spent

As for leaving? Don’t overthink it.
You aren’t happy. Not truly deep in your gut happy. And you deserve and need to be.
For whatever reason he isn’t going to be the man to make you happy and that is enough to end it here.

I would personally be a little worried about his reaction so if get as much as o could and just go somewhere safe then call him and say it’s not right for me anymore, I’m not happy and I’m not myself and I can’t go on with it.
Keep others near you and be civil and don’t get drawn into the whys and what’s.
You don’t owe him that. Not after how he has behaved.

He will cry and sob and threaten and swing from self pity to hatred of you

Be prepared and don’t listen beyond the practicals that have to be sorted.

Stay strong OP

Sending you strength, OP.

You need to see a solicitor about your savings you out into the deposit - hopefully you’ll be able to get that back. However, even if you can’t - it’s only money. Your health & sanity are worth more than that.

For now don’t think about how you’re going to tell him, just get your stuff out to somewhere safe, then when you’ve done that & seen the solicitor take s9meone with you to tell him you’re done & moving out. He might not take it well, but that’s his problem, not yours!

Just make sure you get all the paperwork you need.

You CAN do this 🌷

@ThatCurlyGirl sorry to hear about how ill you were, that's really good that you have been able to separate that version of your ex and be grateful but also still have seen the bad and know you deserved better.

@avocadoincident yes I can definitely see that I'm not alone and it's not uncommon. That's helping. This whole thread is helping loads. I'm so glad I bit the bullet and posted. I spoke to my mum yesterday and to my sister this morning. They both listened and didn't question anything I explained. My sister lives in Australia so has only met my OH once but said even she noticed that it seemed I couldn't do anything right. That was shocking to me that she noticed. I told her a bit more and (she's a social worker) she said I don't want to use the 'A' word, but as your sister I am telling you this isn't right and it is abuse. Gobsmacked hearing it from her.