Am I overreacting? Confused

[Seekingclarity01]

Hi I'm looking for some advice about aspects of my relationship, will try to keep it as brief as possible...

I've been with my OH for almost 6 years, living together for 2 (no children yet). Over the last few months I feel like my eyes have been opened to certain things that he does that I feel aren't quite right, but then I also wonder if i'm just being over dramatic. Things such as:

• He is very critical of things I do. Example when I have cooked dinner which I do every night he always has a negative thing to say (I’m not a bad cook in my & others opinions) rarely a thank you/positive comment, if I’ve done the washing he’ll criticise how I have hung it to dry. If we're doing DIY i'm never doing right etc etc. Just a few examples but basically he very often treats me like I am incapable & inept & I realise it is chipping away at my confidence.

-He is very 'grabby' which obviously means he really fancies me but it bothers me how much he does it and out of context IYSWIM. For example he will grab my boobs or sometimes between my legs out of the blue (i.e. when I’m doing something in the house/we are watching tv). I’ve told him it makes me uncomfortable.. he’ll stop but then I’ll notice within a week or so he’ll be doing it again. He also constantly tweaks my nose which sounds silly and like nothing but it is incredibly annoying and I always ask him not to. He also makes me feel guilty when I am not in the mood for sex but he is. this sometimes makes me feel like I have to do things to avoid conflict.

• He always has to be right. Recent example of this is we are currently decorating our new place & he was saying what we needed to do to prepare the walls for painting. I thought what he had suggested sounded like a lot of unnecessary work so said "I wonder how D and A do it, I'll ask D what she thinks" (our friends who have renovated 2 flats & 1 large 5 bed house so lots of expertise). He went mad saying I should never need to ask someone elses opinon when he has already stated what we've to do. He was so angry & didn't talk to me for several hours afterwards. Said it meant I don't trust him?

– When I try to talk to him about any of these things or anything I am upset about in the relationship he shuts down and refuses to communicate with me. he will just stare off into space.. He claims he ‘can’t bare me crying’ and just completely disengages. If he does say anything it is often that I am too sensitive or wrong and he often brings up things that I have done wrong and shifts the conversation.

Now that I'm typing this out it does sound bad. He is lovely much of the time and has been very supportive of me in the past when I've had a long period of illness. I don't know if I'm reading too much into things and picking at things or whether this is all a sign of something bigger?

Please help me unscramable my thoughts?

Yes turning it back on you works well for him!

Make sure you get copies of mortgage docs etc.

Yes, he will get angry. The OP playing along with the 'needing space' story will hopefully stop him from destroying or throwing away any belongings. The police will be no help if he does this.

That's hysterical he wants the old you back when his abusive and terroristic behavior is what has changed you what an ass! Good luck OP stay strong

What a great update. Please keep going OP, and do not trust anything he says or does, or threatens.

Keep coming back here to re-read the thread to remind you that you're doing the right thing, to ask for more advice, and to let us know you're ok! And to tell us if he exhibits more prickish behaviour so that we can mock and admonish him on your behalf.

We're all right behind you OPxx

Here's a link to a good thread talking about 'the script'. Forewarned is forearmed.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2084909-Script-followed-by-emotionally-abusive-partners-to-make-other-person-stay

@Daftapath that’s what I’m planning to do., say I just need a few days space for now as I am sure that will stop him doing anything stupid or rash with the rest of my belongings. Buys me a bit of time before I can go back with more reinforcements for the rest then after that I’ll tell him it’s 100% over.

@EKGEMS I know . I actually couldn’t believe what I was reading when he sent me messages saying that. Literally gobsmacked.

@gokartdillydilly thank you I will! It is helping so much having you guys giving me advice and cheering me on. Also helping me not get sucked in by what he’s saying and doing now to try and get me back on side.
He’s just sent me a whole load of photos of us from the past few years saying ‘this is what I want us to get back to’ and lots of sad faces. Then when I didn’t reply he’s messaging asking why I’m not replying.

@Jog22 thanks for that! I was wondering why people meant when they said the script. Some of it is definitely ringing true with how he is being now. Being Forewarned is good. That’s what I need. trying to stay strong as I wait to be picked up in a while

@maras2 @Embracelife thank you for your advice and replies. The script and sob stories have started for sure... only a little bit so far bracing for more. All these replies are helping.

Thank you all to anyone I have missed replying to, heads all over the place

I 'like' the way it's all 'I want us to be like we were' and nothing about any self-awareness of his shitty behaviour back then. All me, me, me. What a turd, still showing his true colours.

You can do this OP. It's so hard to get your head around abuse not necessarily = physical violence or big ticket screaming at you or whatever. I recognise a lot of my abusive ex in how you describe your OH. My exH basically thought I was lucky to have him and the source of all our relationship issues was that I didn't recognise that.

Good luck and stay strong.

@gokartdillydilly exactly! It’s all about about him (& how he’s done nothing wrong). Thank you for validating how I felt when I read that message from him. True colours indeed

@MyCatHatesEverybody thank you so much for your message!

Yes that sounds so familiar. I should be eternally grateful that he is with me and me not realising that is what causes all the issue. So similar. He literally once said to me I should be more grateful. HA. The closer I get to being done with him for good the more I am remembering some of the ridiculous things he has said to me and can’t believe I never saw them for what they were at the time. I was so blind to it & controlled!

General update- am now at my friends flat. Only 10 minutes away from where I live with my partner but he does not know I am here nor does he know the address of the friend I am with. I left him a message to say I needed space for a few days & was staying elsewhere (for now I’ll deal with telling him it’s totally over when I have all my stuff later in the week hopefully). When he realised I was gone he rang me relentlessly & begged me to answer. I didn’t. He then rang my mum upset & said he was worried if I was safe (?! Ironic). She didn’t tell him where I am either. He’s now messaged to say sorry for ringing so much & that he will give me my space.. we’ll see how long that lasts.
Feel good to be at my friends but also feel a bit funny. The relief hasn’t sunk in yet maybe it will further down the line

Well done for leaving, op. This is the best decision you've ever made. Prepare yourself for a full-on, epic level begging/promising/grovel fest to try and make you come back. He has lost control of you and he won't be able to handle it. Once he realizes it is truly over, I suspect the true monster in him to show it's colours. Threats, insults, verbal abuse are all to be expected. Make sure he is completely blocked before you have to endure that nonsense. Don't look back!

I'm so pleased to read your update OP. It feels strange when you realise you no longer have to answer to anyone but yourself and at first you'll probably be feeling all at sea as you adjust to your new norm. However this will pass and in time you'll get a clearer and clearer picture of how wrong his behaviour was, a bit like having your nose pressed right up to a painting and only being able to see the whole picture the more you step back from it.

Don't listen to his begging, returning to the familiarity can be tempting but it's an amazing feeling realising that actually, you're ok being you.

@Aquamarine1029 @MyCatHatesEverybody

Thank you both for your kind words of wisdom. I’m lying on an air bed in my friends living room & it’s hitting me now that I’ve left. Just felt a surge of temptation of the familiar & like I just want to run back to him & our home. Freaking out a little bit. But I know I can’t go back now I’ve made this huge step. I really didn’t think I would feel like this but all I can think lying here is what am I doing here?! :(
It will get better won’t it?

It will get so much better - it will be amazing OP. Your future is bright, with no abusive undermining arseholes controlling you. Stay strong! You have family and friends and MN and most importantly yourself and your integrity 💪🏼

@MyCatHatesEverybody a bit like having your nose pressed right up to a painting and only being able to see the whole picture the more you step back from it.

I love this!

@Seekingclarity01 you’ve done an amazing thing today, I applaud you for doing this and putting you first in your one and only life.

It’s time....

We've got your back OP xxx

It WILL get better! I am so proud of you for getting out. By the time I realized the toll emotional abuse and control had taken on me in my marriage, I was a husk of my old self. Trembling all the time, barely eating, scared of my own shadow. You are a smart cookie to get out before the damage was irreversible.
My former husband said very much the same thing; basically saying we'd be happier if only I could be happier/less insecure/less anxious/less timid. No mention of the fact that I got that way after years of being told other women were more fun/thin/attractive/had less issues and that my approach to everything was wrong/inferior.
You will be amazed how quickly you feel a load lifted off your shoulders now that you have drawn a firm boundary about how you are to be treated and valued. The sun will shine a little brighter, your step will be a little lighter, and a smile will come to your face a lot more easily and more frequently.
When you falter (not that you will--you sound smart and strong), remember Switzerland. When the outside world treats you more kindly than the person you have devoted your life to, that is a huge problem. No one deserves that!
I also agree with other posters: collect any and all financial information NOW. Once he realizes he has truly lost control of you, he will ruthlessly do whatever he can to retaliate and punish you. In particular, locate and save any correspondence relating to the deposit on the home and plans to add you to the mortgage. Meticulous documentation is both helpful in making sure you are treated fairly in this split and it can also be a good distraction

Biggest red flag, he refuses to address any of your concerns, try and change behaviour that upsets you.

@AtrociousCircumstance @00Sassy @gokartdillydilly thank you all so much for your amazing support, can’t express how much it is helping me to stay strong.
I’m feeling stronger again this morning. I slept better than I thought I would (though with the help of a sleep aid just to get me over). The feeling of just wanting to run back is gone again this morning & im feeling sure this was the right thing. Weirdly the thing I’m missing most is our nice flat (that I made a home). I just want to be in my place with all my stuff not on someone’s floor with a suitcase. But just have to remind myself I can build another home again in the future and without him making it miserable to be in a lot of the time.

@LilyAraminta thank you for your lovely and kind message it helps so much hearing from those who’ve been through it too. So sorry to hear it got so bad for you before you made it out. How are you now?

I can’t wait to feel the weight/load lifted off my shoulders

Amazing! You go girl. This is the best thing you will ever do.

@Bigmango thank you for the encouragement :) . It doesn’t feel like it yet but I have hope that it will be and these messages help me remember that

@Seekingclarity01 glad you slept ok and are feeling positive. It'll take time to adjust but the passage of time will heal a lot. Funnily enough my main motivation for not leaving my ex sooner was because I loved my house. I felt resentment at having to give it up in order to be free and I kept asking myself do I really have it that bad? I'd actually tried leaving a few years before but I believed his promises to change as even him acknowledging I wasn't happy was a massive thing, or so I thought. Of course he reverted to type except now he was confident I'd never leave. It was only when I emotionally hit rock bottom and accepted that whilst I might be swapping one type of unhappiness (being with exH) for another (losing what I'd worked for) at least the latter scenario came with hope and freedom.

I won't lie it felt scary being on my own in my mid 30s after spending my entire adult life with exH but as I adjusted it got easier. After spending a week at a hotel I moved in with my mum for a bit then rented a room in a lovely house. After a year I met my now DH and life is so much better and relaxed. We've been together for nearly a decade and our relationship still feels fresh and happy. It's so amazing not spending life constantly seeking someone else's approval.