Am I overreacting? Confused

[Seekingclarity01]

Hi I'm looking for some advice about aspects of my relationship, will try to keep it as brief as possible...

I've been with my OH for almost 6 years, living together for 2 (no children yet). Over the last few months I feel like my eyes have been opened to certain things that he does that I feel aren't quite right, but then I also wonder if i'm just being over dramatic. Things such as:

• He is very critical of things I do. Example when I have cooked dinner which I do every night he always has a negative thing to say (I’m not a bad cook in my & others opinions) rarely a thank you/positive comment, if I’ve done the washing he’ll criticise how I have hung it to dry. If we're doing DIY i'm never doing right etc etc. Just a few examples but basically he very often treats me like I am incapable & inept & I realise it is chipping away at my confidence.

-He is very 'grabby' which obviously means he really fancies me but it bothers me how much he does it and out of context IYSWIM. For example he will grab my boobs or sometimes between my legs out of the blue (i.e. when I’m doing something in the house/we are watching tv). I’ve told him it makes me uncomfortable.. he’ll stop but then I’ll notice within a week or so he’ll be doing it again. He also constantly tweaks my nose which sounds silly and like nothing but it is incredibly annoying and I always ask him not to. He also makes me feel guilty when I am not in the mood for sex but he is. this sometimes makes me feel like I have to do things to avoid conflict.

• He always has to be right. Recent example of this is we are currently decorating our new place & he was saying what we needed to do to prepare the walls for painting. I thought what he had suggested sounded like a lot of unnecessary work so said "I wonder how D and A do it, I'll ask D what she thinks" (our friends who have renovated 2 flats & 1 large 5 bed house so lots of expertise). He went mad saying I should never need to ask someone elses opinon when he has already stated what we've to do. He was so angry & didn't talk to me for several hours afterwards. Said it meant I don't trust him?

– When I try to talk to him about any of these things or anything I am upset about in the relationship he shuts down and refuses to communicate with me. he will just stare off into space.. He claims he ‘can’t bare me crying’ and just completely disengages. If he does say anything it is often that I am too sensitive or wrong and he often brings up things that I have done wrong and shifts the conversation.

Now that I'm typing this out it does sound bad. He is lovely much of the time and has been very supportive of me in the past when I've had a long period of illness. I don't know if I'm reading too much into things and picking at things or whether this is all a sign of something bigger?

Please help me unscramable my thoughts?

Your so brave and totally doing the right thing.

Regards the money you gave him for house did you need to write a letter for the mortgage company to confirm it’s a gift and you don’t wish repayment ( where I work at a bank that is usually required by our mortgage advisors ) if that wasn’t done you may have hope.

It’s just to access and understanding of his future commitments if you can find his mortgage paperwork with the essay like
Notes it may state something on there in your favour?

Baby steps but so Glad you are not
Going to waste any more of your life on this fool x x

@MyCatHatesEverybody Thank you, I was soo glad I slept. It's funny that you had the house thing holding you back to. I definitely am more upset about losing my home at the moment than about losing him. It's really proving hard for me as I loved the area and the work I'd done to make it a home. I feel so sad that I have to be the one to move out but it's the only way. Your story of going back and then him reverting to type but with added confidence that you wouldnt leave is strengthening my resolve again. This seems to be what happens in most cases. I know if I were to go back it would just makes things a lot worse. Even though I'm desperate to go back and be 'at home'. If that makes sense.

I'm staying at my friends again tonight and then tomrorow getting the rest of my stuff (I hope) with a friend and family member and taking it to my parents house. They live in a different city but not that far away and I think it will be good to be at home with family for a while for support until I figure out my living situation properly. Similar to what you did by the sounds of it!

Thanks again for your support, this thread is keeping me going. It feels like a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment just trying to stay strong in my decision.

Back at our flat this morning while he’s out at work, gathering up the rest of my things (mostly still can’t fit it all but honestly anything that’s left now I don’t care about.) This is hard and horrible. I just want to curl up on our sofa & not move. Trying to focus on how awful it has been to try and have any say in decor & diy decisions & how horrible he’s made me feel during the process of making this place home rather than how nice it looks now & how much I don’t want to leave. Ah I’m rambling. I have written a note on my phone to myself of all the reasons why I must leave him to refer back to whenever I think... ‘well, maybe we could make it work if we just talk it all out one more time maybe he’ll see..’ Trying so hard to be strong in this.
Going to my parents for a while now until I figure out next move as want to be somewhere that feels at home rather than on a friends sofa bed. Can’t help but have niggling thoughts that I’m a failure for having to go back to my parents :(

Sorry the above is very much a stream of consciousness post.. hopefully makes sense

All the best from me Mx.
You're a lovely, strong woman.
Good luck.

No way are you a failure, you’ve got this! Keep going, you’re doing so well

It feels weird going back to your parents yet ironically you'll be treated more like a competent adult there than when you're living with your and his belittling criticisms.

You got this!

*living with your ex

Well done on getting out! You are super brave and definitely not a failure. You should be with someone who treats you with respect and as an equal.
Don't look back. His behaviour was unacceptable and you are worth so much more than that. Surround yourself with people who will look after and protect you.

@maras2 @00sassy @mycathateseverybody @EHK98

Thank you all so much for the hand holding/cheering me on. It's amazing me the support you guys are sending me though you dont know me.

Got to my parents yesterday afternoon and last night went to bed early and slept for 11 hours..I needed it. Still physically tired from my work trip to Switzerland which was very demanding and then this all came to a head pretty much as soon as i got back. so resting today with lots of cups of tea before I even try to make any plans/move foward. My friends who I've spoken to about it so far have been really great and I'm taking that advice from you @EHK98 to surround myself with people who will look after me and protect me/have my best interests at heart. Trying hard to not feel ashamed or embarassed over what happened and just being honest about the reasons why i had to leave.

@Seekingclarity01

Really glad to hear you’ve been able to sleep/rest. That will do you a lot of good.

Keep strong, you’re doing so well

💐

Thank you @00Sassy @Weenurse

Had some more messages from him last night quite nasty/trying to get a rise out of me. Dealt with it well at the time but then since I woke up this morning I’ve just felt absolutely livid! Really irritable and just angry. Is this a normal part of the process? Like a stage of grief? I’m not even upset just angry almost like PMS but my period is still 9 days away. Unless the stress is bringing PMS on early & that’s playing into it. Anyway.. another day away from him & seeing my friends tonight for some drinks & a girly night in which I’m sure will help!

So pleased you stood up to him he didn’t expect that did he? Now and again my OH criticises me over things I do, driving etc and I know it can chip away at your confidence. I have a fairly responsible job and try not to let it affect me at work so when he brings things up I tell him to stop and think how it’s making me feel - which generally works for a few months Good luck with your new life

Totally normal OP. Some will be anger at him and some will be (misplaced) anger at yourself for allowing him to treat you in the way he has. In time you'll train yourself not to care what he thinks. How a lovely time tonight

Just don’t respond to his nasty messages, could you block his number?

How he feels about you and this situation is his problem.

I think the anger is perfectly normal too.

Have a fabulous time tonight, you deserve it!

Life is very short...do you want to put up with this for the rest of your life?

I've a DD who's mid 20s, I'd be saying to her exactly the same as pp have said to you, and I'd be so pleased that she did what you've done. Well done, you did the right thing

@00Sassy @MyCatHatesEverybody @Powerplant sorry for the delayed reply been having some time off my phone/offline this week. Thanks so much all for the continued support, validating my feelings & generally hand holding, appreciate it more than you know! And I had a lovely night with my friends on Saturday, danced around my friends living room to Beyoncé & all haha. Also had a chance to explain things to them a bit more & they were all quite shocked to hear more of his behaviour & agreed I’ve done the right thing. Feelings have been up & down this week but to be expected. Missing him a little bit in the evenings then I wake up in the mornings feeling strong again in my decision so that’s good. @00sassy I hadn’t blocked him yet as I was still needing to keep communication open in relation to the flat & I’m going back there with a friend on Saturday to sort some last things then I will completely block his number & on all social media platforms.

@Catmaiden thank you so much for your kind post. That really means a lot coming from a mum of a daughter my age-ish

My pleasure, and it made me smile to read that you've had a good time with your friends. I've escaped an abusive first marriage many years ago, so I understand what it's like to feel so down and then gradually feel lighter and fewer, once you escape.
I recommend you going on the Freedom Programme so you can reinforce your boundaries and learn how to spot the bastard men a mile off.
Been with my lovely DH now for 35 years, there are decent men around!
Best of luck x

Hi all, don’t know if anyone will still see this post as I know it’s been a while since last posts but just wanted to reach out for a bit of support a few weeks on if anyone is still here.. @MyCatHatesEverybody @Catmaiden
@00Sassy @Weenurse @Powerplant

So things got a bit messy with my leaving him, I ended up going back to our flat 2 weeks ago on a Friday evening to talk as I felt I owed it to him to ‘break up properly’ (ugh). As others with experience of this thing probably would have predicted, it turned horrible. He cried hysterically for 2 hours (never seen him cry before), begged & begged me not to leave him, said he had no one in our city without me (not true), & in the end physically tried to block me from leaving the flat. Luckily my friend had come to pick me up at this point & came into the building & up to our front door so he let me leave as she was there.
The next day the Saturday (2 weeks ago yesterday) my friend then went round with me as we knew he’d be out to gather up last bulkier items of mine as I felt angry by this point that he should get to keep any of my things! Anyway he came home early & had done a 360° turn on the evening before (literally 10 hrs later) & was sayings it’s for the best, can we remain friends etc? Trying to give me other things from the flat that I didn’t want/he had bought. Tbh it was easier for me to say goodbye to him like that than crying hysterically which had made me feel horrendously guilty the night before.

Now fast forward two weeks & i’m getting - lot of messages from him now back to begging me to try again, saying he knows what he did wrong (but really just parroting back to me what I’ve said/what he thinks I want to hear), emotional blackmail, trying to say our flat misses me as he knows that’s my weak point (I made that place a home & loved it) , sending me photos of old cards/notes I’d written him that he’s ‘stumbled across’. I am so close to blocking him but I feel bad & it feels extreme As I had agreed we could try to be friends eventually. Every time he contacts me I feel guilty & upset. I suppose it’s obvious that I should block him but I can’t bring myself to!

I’m at my parents & have been since that weekend, my kind friend drove me & the last of my stuff here (1.5 hr drive, she’s the best). I’m doing ok mostly, when I don’t hear from him.. Have joined local gym been trying all sorts of exercise classes, seeing friends, going to events he would have turned his nose up at & told me not to go to, applying for so many jobs & feeling a bit free but I do still get hit with anger & sadness every few days too.

Not sure if I should contact my local women’s aid to see if I could have a bit of counselling? I know a lot have mentioned the freedom programme. What’s the programme
like? I still feel like a bit of a fraud calling what happened abuse

Sorry what a long essay!!

Love, everything he did was/is abusive. Sign up to The Freedom Programme, you will be amazed at how powerful it is and what it shows you

Hi OP. I've only skimmed the first post and hi OP. Well done for leaving him. I think you do need to block him, you've not got children together so there's no real need to stay in contact is there? He's trying to guilt trip you into going back, don't get suckered in, he won't change

Well done for being so strong

You don’t owe him anything, he has been abusive and now he is continuing to try and emotionally manipulate you with sending you notes etc. I know it’s hard but you really do need to block him, honestly the relief you will feel when you can just stop having to give him any of your time and emotional capacity will be enormous.

Now is the time for you to focus on you, to build up your confidence, your self esteem and your new life. You can’t do that if he’s constantly trying to keep chipping away at your resolve with his calculated and manipulative attempts to get you back.

You need to block him because he is continuing to try and control you; it’s not mean or unfair, you’re doing it for your own wellbeing. If he had given you space and wasn’t trying to wear you down you may not have needed to, but he’s continuing to show you who he really is and that’s somebody who will do anything in his power to control and manipulate you. You need to block him so he loses that control and power over you, and don’t feel bad about it for a second as he has chosen how to react to this and it’s only his own fault he’s chosen to react in a way designed to try and break you, and his own fault that you need to block him as an act of self-preservation.