Am I overreacting? Confused

[Seekingclarity01]

Hi I'm looking for some advice about aspects of my relationship, will try to keep it as brief as possible...

I've been with my OH for almost 6 years, living together for 2 (no children yet). Over the last few months I feel like my eyes have been opened to certain things that he does that I feel aren't quite right, but then I also wonder if i'm just being over dramatic. Things such as:

• He is very critical of things I do. Example when I have cooked dinner which I do every night he always has a negative thing to say (I’m not a bad cook in my & others opinions) rarely a thank you/positive comment, if I’ve done the washing he’ll criticise how I have hung it to dry. If we're doing DIY i'm never doing right etc etc. Just a few examples but basically he very often treats me like I am incapable & inept & I realise it is chipping away at my confidence.

-He is very 'grabby' which obviously means he really fancies me but it bothers me how much he does it and out of context IYSWIM. For example he will grab my boobs or sometimes between my legs out of the blue (i.e. when I’m doing something in the house/we are watching tv). I’ve told him it makes me uncomfortable.. he’ll stop but then I’ll notice within a week or so he’ll be doing it again. He also constantly tweaks my nose which sounds silly and like nothing but it is incredibly annoying and I always ask him not to. He also makes me feel guilty when I am not in the mood for sex but he is. this sometimes makes me feel like I have to do things to avoid conflict.

• He always has to be right. Recent example of this is we are currently decorating our new place & he was saying what we needed to do to prepare the walls for painting. I thought what he had suggested sounded like a lot of unnecessary work so said "I wonder how D and A do it, I'll ask D what she thinks" (our friends who have renovated 2 flats & 1 large 5 bed house so lots of expertise). He went mad saying I should never need to ask someone elses opinon when he has already stated what we've to do. He was so angry & didn't talk to me for several hours afterwards. Said it meant I don't trust him?

– When I try to talk to him about any of these things or anything I am upset about in the relationship he shuts down and refuses to communicate with me. he will just stare off into space.. He claims he ‘can’t bare me crying’ and just completely disengages. If he does say anything it is often that I am too sensitive or wrong and he often brings up things that I have done wrong and shifts the conversation.

Now that I'm typing this out it does sound bad. He is lovely much of the time and has been very supportive of me in the past when I've had a long period of illness. I don't know if I'm reading too much into things and picking at things or whether this is all a sign of something bigger?

Please help me unscramable my thoughts?

@Whatevskev Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I feel like I do really need to be prepared, especially mentally. I'm currently trying to figure out a plan. I just don't know the best way to do it.. tell him in person then immediately leave (and have someone waiting nearby to leave with me). Or just go and write a letter.. I don't know but I'm trying to make a plan

@Chitarra Thank you, I definitely need it.

@IncrediblySadToo Yes I'm not holding out hope for getting my savings back but you're right it is only money.. I can start again with savings.
That's good advice about getting my stuff out & getting advice before telling him..but he will know my stuff is gone so will surely know.. Trying so hard not to overthink it and just think about the practical logistics first but finding it hard!

Personally I would just pack and leave when hes out and leave a letter. No apologies just a firm 'it isn't working for me any more. It's over '. Remember you don't owe him a detailed explanation after the manipulation and abuse hes doled out to you. Best of luck x

HI @Seekingclarity01 so glad to hear you have been talking to people about it. Massive first step (well, second, your first wasting posting on here).

The fact that your sister noticed that it seemed I couldn't do anything right doesn't actually surprise me.

When I finally opened up about my situation, my close friends just 'Thank fuck for that. Welcome back. We've missed you." I still get grit in my eye thinking about that day.

I would not give him any warning signs or indication about your plans; so keep things very close to your chest and carry on 'as normal' while you get everything sorted out. If he senses he is losing control of you, this is when his abusive behaviour could escalate.

Agree with others. Do not tell him to his face. It will just result in him either turning it back on you, getting angry with you, or using emotional blackmail to get you to stay.

Get your stuff out while he's out or away, then just leave and either send him a letter or a text. You don't owe him anything.

And getting yourself out in one piece is much more important that your stuff. Start gathering important documents and paperwork; hide them in your car if need be. Good luck!

He has no respect for you and is trampling over your boundaries. Deliberately too. It's a power thing. It's also an abusive arsehole thing.

I dunno how or why you've put up with being treated like your his child for so so long.

Don’t know if anyone will still see this as it’s a few weeks later @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy @avocadoincident @hellsbellsmelons @AttilaTheMeerkat but I’m finally getting out. May need some hand holding..

I was away for the last week & a bit for a work thing in Switzerland & I feel that gave me the final clarity I needed to know I need to bite the bullet. Being treated nicely by everyone I was around for a whole week was a revelation. Also another final straw came tonight when he shouted at me and called me a bitch for not messaging more when I was away. (Even though he didn’t message me either). Feeling a bit shaken after that.
But he isn’t talking to me now & I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight. I have plans to get my most important stuff out tomorrow & go & stay with a friend from
Tomorrow night. Take keys with me & get the rest of my stuff later in the week when he’s at work. Leave a letter. Finally doing it.

Well done OP! Best of luck, stay safe though. If you are getting things later on in the week I would take someone with you. Again though, it's just stuff. The most important thing is your health and wellbeing. Thanks for updating us.

Thank you so much for replying @myrtlehuckingfuge last night after I posted this more was said, he threatened to end the relationship & then told me to be gone by the weekend.. I’d been holding it together but that made me snap and I said “fine I’ll be gone before then don’t you worry.”
I had been planning to not say anything about ending it and just go with my stuff but it just came out.
Then later he came into the spare room where I was asking me to do relationship counselling etc etc sob story about how we can’t just end it after everything we’ve been through. That bit was hard. I’ve clearly called his bluff I think he thought I’d be begging him not to end it, not agreeing and ending it myself. He wouldn’t leave me alone until I said I’d think about counselling.
(But I know I won’t do it.)
So now trying to decide how to go. Still thinking today whilst he’s at work I’ll take some of my stuff & then come back later in the week with a friend for the rest.

You will now likely be subjected to a charm offensive if you don't go. Please refer to this thread if in doubt and remember Switzerland. You deserve a lovely life, go get it lady.

Get your important stuff out now.
Go to your friends and worry about the rest later.
Expect full charm offensive as PP said.
Stay strong and stay away

Keep strong op. You're doing the right thing.

How much stuff op? He won't let you get it. He'll likely change the locks and as it's not your house there's nothing you can do. Get all your stuff out in one day.

Even if you can't get your money back, this is totally the right thing to do. You will get yourself back. No money can buy that.

I think the thing about looking after you when you're ill, and mind you XH was good at that too, is that they're fine as long as you're completely dependent on them. When you recover and start having your own ideas they don't like it at all, and will do anything to push you back into what they believe is your place, i.e. under their full control. People like that shouldn't be married, they should keep tropical fish or something. (Not to despise tropical fish, fascinating and decorative as they are, but they can't ever break out and do their own thing!)

Well done OP and best of luck today, the start of a whole new life where you're not being devalued all the time.

Is there any chance of getting another friend or 2 to help you get the rest of your stuff out? As a previous poster said, he could get angry and change the locks. Or he could make it very difficult in other ways. If you can get everything you value out today you will avoid that extra stress.

Good luck, you deserve so much better.

Thank you all so so much for your replies. Really helping me to stand firm being able to read these.
My friend is coming to get me at 4, going to pack & take all the stuff I really care about then. valuable/sentimental things. It’s not possible to take everything today but I’m making sure I don’t leave anything I’d be really upset to lose . My plan is to come back on Thursday during the day when he’s at work with 2 friends to quickly get the rest if possible. If he’s changed the locks by then so be it. Like you all rightly say it’s just stuff that can be replaced in time if need be.

@Anniegetyourgun so true what you say about being ok when you’re ill and dependent on them. Once I got better and started having my own ideas and opinions thats really when things got bad. Trying to put me back in my place

Good luck

Depending in how much it was, can you take him to the small claim court for your savings?

@greenkit I’m really not sure, I am going to speak to a solicitor once I’m gone I think. It’s on my list of things to look in to but not quite there yet. It wasn’t a massive amount but i would still like to get some of it back.

I’m now getting messages from him at work saying he can’t focus & he just wants me to say I’ll give us another chance. He says he wants the old me back & wants to help me build my confidence & self value as he thinks that’s a big part of the problem with us... the irony?!

Is there any paperwork, to do with the house purchase, that you can copy before you leave and take with you that will support you in getting your savings back?

You could say to him that at the moment he needs to give you space but that you hope you can work things out. That way he may be less likely to change the locks before you have taken all your belongings.

Good luck op. You have definitely made the right decision.

He's starting 'The Script'.
Be prepared.
Good luck

Be wise to his sob story.
Just say it s over and you want to move on and you wish him well.

Then block

Do not say you will work things out or it s temporary
You need to move on
Do not give him a way in
You can get support eg police to recover belongings...or forget them. It isnt worth it
Be wary of his
Sob story
Turning to anger
Block block block do not pick up phone to him