Am I overreacting? Confused

[Seekingclarity01]

Hi I'm looking for some advice about aspects of my relationship, will try to keep it as brief as possible...

I've been with my OH for almost 6 years, living together for 2 (no children yet). Over the last few months I feel like my eyes have been opened to certain things that he does that I feel aren't quite right, but then I also wonder if i'm just being over dramatic. Things such as:

• He is very critical of things I do. Example when I have cooked dinner which I do every night he always has a negative thing to say (I’m not a bad cook in my & others opinions) rarely a thank you/positive comment, if I’ve done the washing he’ll criticise how I have hung it to dry. If we're doing DIY i'm never doing right etc etc. Just a few examples but basically he very often treats me like I am incapable & inept & I realise it is chipping away at my confidence.

-He is very 'grabby' which obviously means he really fancies me but it bothers me how much he does it and out of context IYSWIM. For example he will grab my boobs or sometimes between my legs out of the blue (i.e. when I’m doing something in the house/we are watching tv). I’ve told him it makes me uncomfortable.. he’ll stop but then I’ll notice within a week or so he’ll be doing it again. He also constantly tweaks my nose which sounds silly and like nothing but it is incredibly annoying and I always ask him not to. He also makes me feel guilty when I am not in the mood for sex but he is. this sometimes makes me feel like I have to do things to avoid conflict.

• He always has to be right. Recent example of this is we are currently decorating our new place & he was saying what we needed to do to prepare the walls for painting. I thought what he had suggested sounded like a lot of unnecessary work so said "I wonder how D and A do it, I'll ask D what she thinks" (our friends who have renovated 2 flats & 1 large 5 bed house so lots of expertise). He went mad saying I should never need to ask someone elses opinon when he has already stated what we've to do. He was so angry & didn't talk to me for several hours afterwards. Said it meant I don't trust him?

– When I try to talk to him about any of these things or anything I am upset about in the relationship he shuts down and refuses to communicate with me. he will just stare off into space.. He claims he ‘can’t bare me crying’ and just completely disengages. If he does say anything it is often that I am too sensitive or wrong and he often brings up things that I have done wrong and shifts the conversation.

Now that I'm typing this out it does sound bad. He is lovely much of the time and has been very supportive of me in the past when I've had a long period of illness. I don't know if I'm reading too much into things and picking at things or whether this is all a sign of something bigger?

Please help me unscramable my thoughts?

If you do go back, do youthink hes going to forget that you left?
Of course he won't, it will be all flowers and presents for a bit then he will make you suffer for daring to stand up to him.

Do you want a whole life with everything from your OP going on again? I don't think you do....
Has he recognised at all the impact he had on you?

Hi @Catmaiden thank for your reply. I am going to properly look into the Freedom Programme today & sign up 💪🏻 how you describe it sounds like what I need

@MyGhastIsFlabbered thank you so much for replying. Yep no children together so you’re right no need to stay in contact. I just feel bad/guilty for blocking him but these replies are confirming that’s what I need to do.. just need to do it

@MyNewBearTotoro thank you for writing that out, that’s really helped. I am going to block him now. I don’t know why I felt be about doing it, like I own him something, but these replies are helping me see it’s the only way to go. He is definitely still trying to exercise control over me and suck me back in. It’s hard to see it like that when he’s making me feel sorry for him & coming across so upset. But it’s not real is it it’s probably an act

@QuentinWinters no I definitely don’t want that for the rest of my life that’s what gave me the strength to leave really. And no he hasn’t realised the impact he’s had on me. He says he has now but he hasn’t. I’m sure he’s just saying what he thinks I want to hear & none of it comes across genuine or from a real place of self reflection. It’s just repeating back to me things I’ve said about his behaviour

Yes to the Freedom Programme, do it in person if you can but even the online version is very much worth doing, both are here freedomprogramme.co.uk/ Also read Lundy Bancroft -Why does he do that? So much in there you will recognise and it will help you stay away from him once you understand just how abusive he is. There's a free pdf version here www.docdroid.net/file/download/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

You're doing great though OP, you're a hell of a lot stronger than you realise to have come this far, all you need now is to garner strength for the final push to cut him off completely. And knowledge is power here, learning about abuse is the best way to avoid it

So....you know you can't go back to him. So no need to feel guilty. He bought this on himself by being an abusive partner and he doesn't even care
(FWIW my ex did a lot of behaviours yours does, I ended up leaving because when it came to the crunch all his suggestions about how things could work involved me trying harder and him just carrying on as normal. This was 18 months ago and I still have to fight to not feel guilty. So i do understand )

This sounds familiar OP. My advice? Get rid and find someone who deserves you. Find a man who offers you a feast, not crumbs xx

Sorry didn't read to the end of the thread - well done for leaving. How are you? Xx

Hot damn darling! Congratulations on taking such a brave stand to get away from your abuser! I wish you well in the future with peace and happiness!

What a brave woman you are! I have just read the thread and was holding my breath in case you went back...no need!
You stuck yo your guns because you know the truth, that you deserve far more than the criticism and abuse he gave you.

Sending you 🌺🌸🌻🥀🌼 and big Welsh Cwtch!

Just say down and read the whole thread..... oh OP, my heart goes out to you. I left a man like this 6/7 weeks ago. Was the best decision ever - I blocked all contact too, so haven't heard from him since that day and it really has been a great move.

Block him on everything and move on with your life - you deserve more.
Spend time with those who make you feel good; concentrate on what you want. Freedom is amazing - if you want cereal for dinner, you go girl! If you want to go to bed at 7pm or 3am, you suit whatever you want. You will start to realise you no longer have chains round your wrists, ankles and neck.

You want that cake and coffee at the weekend? Have it. You want to go to the gym at 10pm? Do it. You want to chat on the phone for 4 hours with the girls? Do it. You want to flirt with a random guy at a bar? Go for it!

You should be thrilled with yourself. Look forward, not back xxx

Well done for sticking to your guns op and managing to get all your belongings out.

Have you discussed the money with him? What are his finances like, would he be able to pay you back what you put in to the flat? Although you could argue that if property prices have risen, you could ask for more than you put in. Maybe that could be leverage?

@Unwrittenrule thanks for the info & book recommendation, & the kind words :) I’ve looked up where my nearest freedom programme location is to try & do it in person & got the phone no., so will give them a ring tomorrow. Have downloaded the book too, got a train journey later this afternoon so will have a look at it then 👍🏻

@EKGEMS @IamEarthymama thank you both so much for the kind words of support. You have both given me a real boost & made me feel like.. yes I AM strong. The amount of support I’ve received on this thread is overwhelming (a good way!)

@lookingforaunicorn wow thank you for taking the time to read through! Sorry to hear you have been through similar recently, sounds like you’re doing amazingly well. All the freedom you describe sounds amazing

@QuentinWinters sorry to hear you’ve been through similar.
What you’ve said about his suggestions of how to make things work involving you trying harder & him doing nothing is exactly the same as my partner did. One of his begging type messages last week even said... wait for it...
”The you between 2014-18 was my ideal women, I just want to get back to that
Like that’s supposed to win me over to coming back to him! What an insult! That one almost got my to reply out of the sheer stupidity of the comment. But I didn’t.

But I didn’t

And that's why we're all telling you how brave and strong you are! He's pulling out his best tactics and you're still not caving in, you have balls of steel

@Unwrittenrule

@Unwrittenrule @Catmaiden just spoken to my local woman’s aid about the freedom programme. Unfortunately the next one they are running isn’t until April next year, but they have suggested going in for an assessment meetings to see if a few one on one counselling sessions would be useful. Feels like another good step

It's a great step, well done I would just do the online FP, still loads of useful stuff there, it's £12 but worth every penny freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

I mean as well as the counselling, not instead of btw, take everything on offer to help arm you with knowledge and strengthen your resolve

@Unwrittenrule yeah I saw you can do it online as well, £12 seems cheap for something like that so think I’ll take your advice & give it a go as well as the counselling :)

Just came across this thread. You are a star.

The you between 2014-18 was my ideal women, I just want to get back to that
Yeah, because being his ideal woman is the point of your existence
What an idiot