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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are there any truly decent men out there?

318 replies

LemonFritz · 02/09/2019 13:25

I thought I had an amazing husband, minor flaws and human, but wonderful. Turns out he is not.

Are there any truly decent men out there who are considerate, genuinely view women as equals in all ways and are not porn addicts?

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 04/09/2019 12:42

The fundamental problem is of course one persons ‘decent’ is another persons ‘control freak porn hound’ as different things bother different people. I will say though some people on here (men and women) seem to have a very low bar set. I do remember though an old single mum friend who said to me even when with complete twatheads ‘I have to have a bloke in my life or I just can’t get by’ that’s pretty sad

AnnaNimmity · 04/09/2019 12:56

I agree, I have a higher bar now than I did many years ago. This is partly because I have been treated badly by men and have had to learn ( the very hard way) how to enforce my boundaries and develop self-worth. I simply wouldn't put up with behaviour I did when I was young now.

And I have been seen awful behaviour by many men after my divorce - people I've dated and people who've hit on me. The sad conclusion is that there are many many men who aren't decent. That's not to say there aren't any, but I think they're quite uncommon.

And finally my friend (sort of) while married did sign up to Ashley Madison and shagged quite a few married men in their lunch hours and after work in various hotels around London. She also went out with many married men on Tinder for the same reason (sex). I'm willing to bet most of their wives think they are decent men.

fandabbyfannyflutters · 04/09/2019 13:03

Exactly with all the women on here claiming their chaps are wonderful respectful men they trust with their life- who ARE the many many attached men signing up to these agencies to shag other women

ILikeyourHairyHands · 04/09/2019 13:49

Well, they could be husbands of women who haven't posted saying that they trust their husbands?

Do you really believe that every single man is untrustworthy and likely to cheat?

gorrisandhorace · 04/09/2019 13:51

Yes Sad

gorrisandhorace · 04/09/2019 13:55

I mean not cheat specifically.
But end up doing something deeply disappointing.
Which makes investing energy in them so risky.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 04/09/2019 14:06

That's a bit rubbish for you Gorris, and I'm sorry you've had such negative experiences. Of the four decent blokes I went out with I mentioned earlier (one of which is DH), not one of them did anything to disappoint me, I ended all the relationships because in each case I felt they'd run their course, one I was too young, one we were at a stage where we wanted didferent things, and one because I just wasn't feeling it as our interests were quite divergent, all finished amicably and I still have a warm and friendly relationship with them on the rare occasions I run into them.

Only one bloke I've ever been out with behaved like a dick (porn, infidelity, general knob-headness).

So from my perspective, although I know we have huge problems with patriarchy, toxic masculinity and porn, and a large proportion of men are not very pleasant or good mate material, there are quite a few men out there that are fundamentally decent and don't indulge in unpleasent behaviours.

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 04/09/2019 14:13

Do you really believe that every single man is untrustworthy and likely to cheat?

I don't think every single man is untrustworthy and likely to cheat, but I think there are a good sight more of them than I think most married women would like to acknowedge.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 04/09/2019 14:18

I know there's plenty of them Bats, I'm pretty confident I'm not married to one of them though!

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2019 14:18

Do you really believe that every single man is untrustworthy and likely to cheat?
Yep - pretty much!

Wherearemymarbles · 04/09/2019 14:27

Lovely thread in the sex topic - who had an affair and got away with it. Virtually all the posters are women.

Men may do lots of horrible things that women dont. Cheating is not one of them!

gorrisandhorace · 04/09/2019 14:39

Oh well I’m at a point where a cheater wouldn’t destabilise me so much as piss me off. He’d be out of course but it would be his loss.
A porn wankerer? Meh.. most of them are at it .
Yes I do believe this , sorry to all those women who are assured this doesn’t include their man.
So long as he was still performing in the bedroom not a biggie really . But the risk of guys turning abusive or violent I can’t take. So guys where there’s a sniff of this in their past, it’s a definite no go.

Veryveryverylate · 04/09/2019 14:51

It is all about finding a person you share basic fundamental values which never remain constant. We all change and view life different and do things that we never thought was possible. There is no perfect man or woman, it is what you can settle for. My father said all relationship has one person if they give up the relationship is doomed. What is needed is training on how to keep love alive alongside with taking regular tests on the importance of fulfilling the other person rights. After all most jobs lately people need to attend compulsory training to do their jobs. So why is there no relationship trainings? They might be there but I haven't looked for it so I can't talk about it. I know most people only go to counselling when there is a problem. At work yes, you might get sent to compulsory training after an incident but there are so many to attend before them. I think we need more relationship classes at school and then available later on when people are in a relationship. Councils can do this and charge a resonable cost for regular attendance. If it will keep lot of people together I wouldn't mind they increase our council tax to keep people together for longer. There will be long term positive impact on the long run. Hopefully, it will cause less people to sperate. Anyone this is idea that entered my mind.

Banangana · 04/09/2019 15:11

@Parent999

Now if a mother posts here that fathers been sneaking into the school to see his child against her wishes, the uproar is immense.

This just isn't true. Unless the father is abusive and threat to the child, people do not take kindly to women who use children as weapons. If a mother posted that she'll only allow her child's father to see them when she's present she'd get her arse handed to her unless she had a very good reason. On the thread you're talking about the mother has been the resident parent all along and the father has unilaterally decided that the child now lives with him and the mother is now only allowed supervised contact. He is also using his male family members to intimidate the OP. A woman behaving like this would definitely
not be supported but I think you know that.

megletthesecond · 04/09/2019 15:24

Not many.
Out of all the couples I know, only three appear to have decent husbands. It's shocking what some of them have to put up with.

gorrisandhorace · 04/09/2019 16:03

This is another thing that happens.
Women tend to maintain a fairly competitive streak with each other, when in a relationship.
If you have the courage (or misfortune, whatever) to be the one that is suddenly single, something interesting happens. All your female friends in seemingly perfect relationships start exposing themselves and their lives a little more.
So instead of having to keep up a facade they suddenly tell it like it really is. Perfect Dave is on grindr. Bob is shagging his secretary. Paul is Paula in his spare time, good old Jim is an abusive bastard behind closed doors. And so on and so forth . It’s a revelation.

AnnaNimmity · 04/09/2019 16:11

yup agree Gorris - many of my girlfriends have confessed to their H's having affairs/not having sex/being horrible.

Then again other women see me as a threat and don't invite me to couple things. I remember a while ago when I had an au pair who was a model, many of the women at school asked me how I trusted my Husband with her! I was shocked (she was a 20 year old model and he was a middle aged man with a paunch, so I thought I'd be ok). My colleague's H then ran away with their au pair.

I don't think every man will cheat, but most would I think. And most would justify it in some way. And most of the rest are substandard in some way that I would class as not decent - sexist, or lazy or a bit shit in bed, or crap with money or with a porn or gaming habit etc etc.

There may be a very small number of men after that who are amazing!

ILikeyourHairyHands · 04/09/2019 16:56

Most of my friends are single or single mums, I dont see them as a threat, I trust them and my DH to manage not to shag eachother.

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 04/09/2019 16:58

I know there's plenty of them Bats, I'm pretty confident I'm not married to one of them though!

I really hope you're right!! I know they're not all like that.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 04/09/2019 17:13

I hope I'm right too Bats, I have on many occasions identified a clear shagger/dickhead when everyone's been saying what a lovely bloke they were and have been singularly unsuprised when people are falling about in shock when they turn out to be exactly that.

DH isn't invested in people thinking what a good man he is, he's very unassuming and quietly hilarious, he's not interested in other's opinions really. There's no facade and that's obvious were you to meet him.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 04/09/2019 17:14

I mean he's not interested in other's opinions about him, he's very interested in other people's opinions about the world!

ourmamageddon · 04/09/2019 19:05

Nah

Sadiesnakes · 04/09/2019 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sadiesnakes · 04/09/2019 21:25

*Ah sorry, I don't go in the sex forum - it seemed a little disrespectful for a guy to go in there in a female-orientated forum.

I amend my claim to specify the relationships forum then.*

Yet the majority of mn's in the sex forum are male,Hmm

Ringdonna · 05/09/2019 04:14

No. There are two mumsnetters local to me who are always gushing about their wonderful husbands and how they would never cheat blah, blah yet both of the husbands are having affairs. One with his PA and the other with his wife’s friend.