Are there any truly decent men out there?

[LemonFritz]

I thought I had an amazing husband, minor flaws and human, but wonderful. Turns out he is not.

Are there any truly decent men out there who are considerate, genuinely view women as equals in all ways and are not porn addicts?

Only three men have ever claimed that they'd leave their wives for me. Despite me not giving any encouragement but not really being in a position to NC with them - a work colleague; a fellow band member; a family friend.

The rest have seemed to be quite happy with the proposal of a bit of fun on the side.

One collgeague completely forgot to mention that he was married at all despite many conversations about holidays, weekends and family.

I think misogyny is deeply, deeply ingrained into the fabric of our society for both men and women. This permits or even encourages certain behaviour in otherwise decent people.

Yep. That with bells on.

Which is why I’m so down about the future for my two teen boys. I’m very worried I’m going to see them grow into sexist people just because of the environment they live in.
I’m trying to raise their awareness etc... but it’s actually really hard when, being at school when girls tend to be favoured, they actually feel that it’s THEM who have the raw deal.

Yes of course there are.

My DH is everything. He's attractive, smart, funny, solvent. He's incredibly supportive of me in everything I do. He cooks and cleans, he's adventurous and fun.

And I know the world is full of bitter people who seem to wish misery on others, but 17 years down the line I've no reason to think he'd change.

I joined an online dating app. I received quite a few messages from married men say long they were just looking for fun. That was an eye openener and not something I was interested in.

Sorry auto correct made a pigs ear of my post

I wonder how many married women sign up to online dating for fun. Not as many I bet

I'm sorry but you can't have mine either!
But my DB is single and he is wonderful, kind and (apparently) gorgeous with a very good job and a sense of humour!

You'll find one. They are out there.

"I wonder how many married women sign up to online dating for fun. Not as many I bet"

Very few. I remember when the database for the Ashley Madison site was leaked, that site which allows married people to cheat with one another. As it turns out there were a lot fewer women than men registered, and most of those women turned out to be bots.

"I wonder how many married women sign up to online dating for fun. Not as many I bet"

But some do.

My BF’s ex did. Once she’d gotten what she wanted, she was straight on to POF and sexting several people. 6 weeks post partum. She had at least one full blown, physical affair too.

It’s not only men that behave like shits.

So. Pretty much established then. There are practically no decent men, the very few that are are taken and even they are likely to possess and probably in time act on a latent indecent streak.

On that basis, why would any one of you waste a single penny on OLD in the knowledge that you will only inevitably end up with a toerag?

It’s a bad conclusion to the thread for sure

Give me strength. Why is it someone [and I mean man or woman] can be married for 10-20 years and generally be a good person, but when they make a mistake they've suddenly after all these years shown their true colours. The few times a woman on here makes a mistake they are systematically told its not their fault it was the mans fault.
Youre not looking for good and decent, youre looking for perfect.

Theres about as many good men as there are women.

But I wouldn't say this was the forum to find out.

Man does "this" BAD
Woman does "this" JUSTIFIED

On this forum all men are guilty even when innocent because well... theyre a man.
If you hate men so much, for the love of God stop having children with them.

There is some breathtaking cynicism on this thread. I'm fully aware of misogyny and the patriarchy, I've been awake to it since about the age of 14 (when my one-woman protest about showing teenages pro-life films at my Catholic school caused a bit of a stir), so over 30 years, I've got a well-honed dick-head radar, even when I was a teen I'd advise my friends to steer clear of the twats they were mooning over. I recognise a prick within minutes of meeting them. I've had six longish relationships, and only one of those was a tosser (he got me at a low point in my mid-20s, the usual story). My first husband was also a miserable twat.

The other four are decent blokes, not misogynistic, saw me as en equal, understood boundaries, didn't cheat or oggle (and there's a difference between glancing and oggling), were hard-working, no substance abuse or financial issues, funny and good company, good-looking, not porn-sodden.

One I'm married to and the others are settled down and have been for years with lovely women in what seem to be great relationships.

I've also never been hit on by a married man. Of couse it happens, but I'm not sure every man is a complete hound as some posters on here seem to think.

It's a bit of a depressing and defeatist world-view to see every single man as some barely constrained sexual fiend.

@Parent999 You've obviously been one of the lucky few here that hasn't experienced an abusive man, in some form or other...

That or you are a man?

And I think reading these boards does make you think every man is a snake, there are certainly plenty of truly repugnant specimens out there, and I don't doubt for a minute that there are plenty of men who present a decent facade to the world whilst carrying on in terrible ways in secret.

It's a bit condescending though to imply the women on here who have good husbands and partners are in some way naive or deluded (you see it on the porn threads where some posters claim that every man watches porn and those who claim there partners don't are obviously fooling themselves).

The women in good stable relationships with good men aren't posting, because they don't need to.

Their

I think the problem is that the title of the thread is going to draw either those who are saying that their partner is perfect, or those of us who've had numerous bad experiences and therefore have concluded that those who are in good relationships are just biding their time.

If the title was 'Most men are basically decent human beings' you'd probably have had a different range of answers.

I was married to a man I thought was perfect and ideal and decent - right up to the point where he wasn't, like a lot of other posters. That experience of a man you've loved utterly turning into a stranger overnight does tend to bias you somewhat.

True Zaphod, I don't thinl DH is perfect though, he's perfect for me, but he's a flawed human being just like the rest of us. Thankfully his flaws are more the, 'leaves his pants on the floor', 'never gets his tax return in on time' variety, than something more pernicious.

So the point only has validity if Ive been abused [by a man] or I am a man myself?

There are some truly nasty people out there, there are some nice ones.

Parent999 is a man and has form for coming onto threads to negate and question the experience of women.

Parent999 has had misogyny explained many times, upon his own request, and was provided with pages of examples and then, because he couldn't argue with people's lived experiences, he abandoned the thread.

Parent999 yes, there are, of course, women who behave badly. No one is suggesting they don't and I also find it incredibly infuriating to read threads where a woman has excuses made for them (often in the case of disclosing affairs) but this is not by all, or even most, posters. Although, even when men and women display similar behaviours, it is, quite often, the case that the root cause underpinning the problem, is different.

In the cases where a man is a SAHD and is being controlled of financially disadvantaged or has had celibacy imposed upon him in a marriage or has discovered a partner has had an affair, the responses are often very similar.

But that is not what the OP is asking.

This thread is asking about decent men because, presumably, that is who the OP is interested in. If she were asking about women, and her experience of women in relationships had been largely negative, then she would be receiving responses in accordance with that question.

My advice to you, Parent999 would be to listen and observe. I don't know if you are in a relationship or not but, if I were you, and I was reading this stuff, I would be taking note of the sort of things women dislike about men and making sure I adjust my behaviour accordingly.

I, for example, get irritated when I hear of men saying that all women are interested in men with 'fit' bodies; bank balances; receiving gifts; 'golddiggers' because I am none of those things! but I assume that they are talking from their experience (or total lack of it). So I don't take it personally.

What I will say is that there's no WAY women get an easier ride on here if they admit to an affair - the replies are every bit as brutal.

I guess every now the AIBU forum has a 'burning the toast is unacceptable, LTB' moment, but I don't think there's a huge amount of bias.

Male btw, so I'm looking through my Patriachy-tinted Glasses of Privilege - if there WAS a bias I think I'd be seeing it...

What I will say is that there's no WAY women get an easier ride on here if they admit to an affair - the replies are every bit as brutal.

The ongoing affairs thread in the sex forum and the number of posters defending other's shitty behaviour in that thread is demonstrable proof that is untrue.

Ah sorry, I don't go in the sex forum - it seemed a little disrespectful for a guy to go in there in a female-orientated forum.

I amend my claim to specify the relationships forum then.

In fact the 'I had an affair' thread active on this forum is another example. Other posters encouraging the OP to continue to lie to their husband and excusing their behaviour. It would never happen if it were a man, never.

I do understand that both men and women have their own problems that are unfair. For me the real issue lies in parenting. Take one thread where a father has kept child and stopped the mum from seeing child. The outpouring of grief and sympathy is (as it should be) staggering.
But the other way around is quite the opposite.
For example, on another thread a mother has been stopped from contact. The posters are encouraging all sorts of things like sneaking into the school to see their child. Hoping that the father doesn’t take child to school because “that will work in mothers favour” making false claims etc. Despite the op stating the father is a good dad.
Now if a mother posts here that fathers been sneaking into the school to see his child against her wishes, the uproar is immense.
Half of the women are complaining the father is not involved and the half are bemoaning a father going to court for more time.

Women want equality and I completely agree. But stop using patriarchy to mask the immoral behaviour that many mothers display. It’s a personal choice to be shitty to other people. No one makes you do it. Not your ex, and not ALL men. It’s us, me. Not one rule for fathers and a different rule for mothers. True equality.