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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Are there any truly decent men out there?

318 replies

LemonFritz · 02/09/2019 13:25

I thought I had an amazing husband, minor flaws and human, but wonderful. Turns out he is not.

Are there any truly decent men out there who are considerate, genuinely view women as equals in all ways and are not porn addicts?

OP posts:

Sparkandgold · 02/09/2019 16:27

Yes there are!
If a man said 'no there are no nice, decent women' ppl would think he was bitter and a misogynist. It works both ways.

crappyday2018 · 02/09/2019 16:34

@Sparkandgold yes but are they available? and where do we find them?

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 16:40

Well. I have never come across one.
The big revelation is when you find yourself newly single and are covertly offered sympathy shags from all the (married) ones (with kids) you presumed were the good ones. ESPECIALLY those ones.
It leaves you questioning the fucking point of anything really.

Ounce · 02/09/2019 16:41

There's at least one, but he's mine, sorry.

Mytimeoneday · 02/09/2019 16:41

@crappyday2018 I think they are found through mutual friends who set you up!

crappyday2018 · 02/09/2019 16:43

@Mytimeoneday I need to change my friends then!

Deadringer · 02/09/2019 16:44

Damn few.

Missillusioned · 02/09/2019 16:45

I fully accept I may not be most men's idea of a good partner either 🤷‍♀️

nogooddeedgoesunpunished · 02/09/2019 16:49

I was in a cafe earlier with DS and watched a group of 3 men all with wedding rings on casually but obviously ogle women as they walked past. Turned my stomach and reminded me of why I'm likely to remain single for the foreseeable.

nogooddeedgoesunpunished · 02/09/2019 16:51

@gorrisandhorace this happened to me when I was newly divorced and I was horrified. Guess I'm naive but every single one of those married men appeared to be in committed relationships and had amazing partners.

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 16:55

@nogooddeedgoesunpunished it’s left me feeling so sad and lonely. And utterly disillusioned

LexMitior · 02/09/2019 16:56

Yes big recognition on married men! They are often the worst offenders. I assume their wives consider them loyal, decent partners. But frankly they aren’t there at the relevant moment.

Anyway, there are decent men out there but the number of married men on dating websites would suggest quite a lot of women don’t quite have the princes they imagine.

SonataDentata · 02/09/2019 16:56

What @gorrisandhorace said, with bells on. I’ve been propositioned by many married men whom I wouldn’t have thought would do such a thing in a million years. I’d also add that many of my single male friends are single for a reason, such as their flat is an absolute hovel with mouldy plates and rotten food everywhere. I can’t see any reason why my single female friends are single as they’re lovely people and really have their shit together.

spongemumnudiepants · 02/09/2019 16:56

No sorry there's not. Awful as this sounds, in my experience , the worst men are named 'Robert' or 'Rob' it's like a bad men's club ....

ADUTT7 · 02/09/2019 17:00

Depends what the definition of decent is. Some people’s idea of that is less demanding than others.

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 17:04

Not a cheating type
Not abusive
Doesn’t have wanking death grip
Is generous
Doesn’t have an overbearing mother
Has a bit of intelligence
Likes a bit of culture.

That’s ALL

I can’t find ANY!!!!!!!

Kaykay06 · 02/09/2019 17:07

I’ve been dating for years since I split from my ex, who was a nice guy but we just couldn’t work together it almost made me wonder if I’d made a mistake.

But I’ve kissed so many frogs since then I was starting to wonder if there were actually any nice men left that weren’t taken. I saw a guy for 9/10 months and he was bloody awful pretended to be a nice guy but saw through him eventually but he wouldn’t take no for an answer and stalked and harassed me for a long long time. This put me right off and I stayed single and enjoyed life until recently I met my wonderful boyfriend he has his faults (as do we all) but we get on really well in every way I’m almost wondering if he’s too good to be true
So it can happen I wasn’t looking when it did though. I hope you meet someone nice soon too, but enjoy the single life as it’s great fun.

VerityAl · 02/09/2019 17:07

Honestly - No.
There's a proviso in their world - That if they can get away with it, they (men) would absolultey cross any line/pull up a ton of red flags. You only have to read UKPUNTING to know none of use are safe and no man can be trusted. Protect yourself, your heart and your mental health and never believe anything they say ever. Always trust your instincts.

Babdoc · 02/09/2019 17:09

Well, they certainly used to exist! My much loved and missed late DH was an absolute sweetheart and the love of my life. He died nearly 28 years ago, aged just 36, and in all those years I’ve never found anyone who was a patch on him. I doubt now I ever will, as I’m in my sixties, so I just look forward to God reuniting us when I die too.
I agree with PPs who say good men get snapped up young- I was 19 and DH 20 when we met, we moved in together 3 days later, and were together until the day he died.

StormBaby · 02/09/2019 17:17

I have one! Found him online dating as well, hidden amongst all the morons. He's so passionate about life, hardworking, a fantastic dad and stepdad, honorable, and my best friend in the whole world. Every day is an adventure. They don't make men like him any more. We've been having a few minor issues lately with stress and health issues and the kids being feral, and hes listened to my ideas and we've put changes in to place.

Hilariously, his ex wife is on MN and she's posted all sorts of lies about him being a cheat and violent. Even her own kids knew she was the one having the affairs, they caught her naked more than once with the 'friend'. Easier to lie about it I guess, if it makes her feel better.

I just still cannot believe that she threw away such an amazing life partner for a fat, old, smelly loser. I guess my DH was too good for her.

I'm very glad she did. He's amazing and he's all mine!

CracklinRosieGetOnBoard · 02/09/2019 17:18

Oh @babdoc that is so sad about your DH It sounds like what you had with him was true love.

To answer the OP...I’m hoping there are some decent men out there after very recently kicking out my arsehole of a Dp (although meeting someone new is not on my agenda at the moment). A couple of my friends are married to men who are lovely but my single friends have told me horror stories about utter dicks they have met while dating. I think there are good ones out there but it’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack from what I’ve heard.

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 17:19

@stormbaby to be fair you just can’t tell for years.
If you get one with an accusation of violence against them they will ALWAYS tell you the ex is a psycho. It can take another twenty years before YOU see their true colours. Sorry to burst your bubble . I’d never date a man with an accusation of violence against him no matter how much he told me it was lies.

crappyday2018 · 02/09/2019 17:21

I second the married men thing. My friend is currently being chased by one and I've had a few offers too. We're both early 40s. It does put me off getting married. In my experience, blokes I've met have had one or more of the following 'issues':

living at home with mum in their 40s
Needy and smothering
Issues with money
issues with an ex
issues with alcohol

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 17:22

Well this thread is depressing

StormBaby · 02/09/2019 17:26

He never ever hid how horrid they were to each other from me @gorriceandhorace. Hes the most honest person I've ever met. It was all laid out on the table. Their kids have all told me what they've witnessed and I believe them. She's living in a fantasy land. I just find it funny that you can't trust a single thing anyone says on MN. 🤣

In 4 years of us living together he's never disrespected me, argued, raised his voice, gaslighted me, manipulated me. That's a long time to pretend.

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