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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are there any truly decent men out there?

318 replies

LemonFritz · 02/09/2019 13:25

I thought I had an amazing husband, minor flaws and human, but wonderful. Turns out he is not.

Are there any truly decent men out there who are considerate, genuinely view women as equals in all ways and are not porn addicts?

OP posts:
Youcanstay · 08/09/2019 11:33

”Imagine a thread made by men slagging off all women. There would be an outcry.”

No need to imagine.
Internet is full of men slagging off women.
No outcry, no one cares.

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 08/09/2019 11:33

my counsellor said I should aim for a widower.

And for evermore be second best to a dead person? I don't think so.

AnnaNimmity · 08/09/2019 11:36

It's a desolate choice really.

Maybe lesbianism is the way to go?

(my lesbian friend has so many relationship woes, I really don't think so).

AnnaNimmity · 08/09/2019 11:37

the answer of course is to be happy alone. To relish and live a wonderful life, and then, when you aren't looking, a wonderful man will come along. Because I have to believe there are decent people out there. And there are. Just not very many.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 08/09/2019 12:01

I guess it makes sense that the decent men a coupled up in commited relationships and the single ones are single for a reason!

crappyday2018 · 08/09/2019 12:47

the single ones are single for a reason

Imagine if men said that about women. I'm single!

OhamIreally · 08/09/2019 14:35

MeowTseTung it sounds like you consider you should have been rewarded for your decency with sex or romantic attention from your female "friends". You are now bitter that it didn't happen and consider that being decent and kind was a waste of time.

That doesn't sound like a decent person's thought process to me.

JacquesHammer · 08/09/2019 14:58

I thought I was on the mansplaining thread for a minute.

Of course there are decent men. They’re in the minority though because of societal constructs surrounding masculinity.

Techway · 08/09/2019 15:17

@MeowTseTung, I think "too nice" is just a polite way of letting someone down when you are not attracted to them. Women on MN described their new bf as "lovely and so nice" so "nice" is not derogatory.

I have never fallen for a bad boy, always wanted a nice, kind man, same with my friends. I think men & women put people in boxes..friends or potential partner and if you are friend zoned it is not likely to change. I have a friend like this, he is now happily married and we get on great, I can't say why he has only ever been a friend, he certainly isn't too nice!
Lots of people are single and remain single and it doesn't mean you have to change who you are.

PicsInRed · 08/09/2019 15:49

Newday, I'm sure your wisdom will save all the silly women from themselves.

Do please impart more. I'm intrigued.

MeowTseTung · 08/09/2019 15:56

OhAmIReally If you'd also read my earlier post you'll find you're merely just repeating what I said. You've just spoken of the pigeonhole I was talking about.

This issue of the so-called reward, it baffles me somewhat. Who on earth doesn't want to experience some sort of positive response for their actions? If you ask somebody on a date, you hope they accept. If they don't, c'est la vie. What's the point of anything in life if you don't hope for some potential reward out of doing it?

The hope of a positive response is different to the expectation of one, however. Approaching someone in the first place was enough of a success for me, let alone pushing the point beyond there. In looking back, I'd maintain that I had no expectations of anybody. It still saddens me though that I was clearly not an attractive proposition to people. Thank heavens the experts have found a red-flag category for me though.

And, why put the word "friends" in inverted commas? Bit low, no? Almost indecent. I'm still friends with many of these women, 20+ years on. People - even of the opposite sex - can be and can stay friends sometimes, remarkably.

So, maybe I sound bitter. That's probably the case to an extent. Not bitter at women though, I've never had any divine right to expect anyone to want to be in a relationship with me and still don't.

But if all decency is apparently fake, then what actually is the point of being or aspiring to be decent?

Which can't help making me think, why bother? That's why I feel like I do.

(And sorry for mansplaining too. I'm sorry, I'm hopeless with getting my point across (you'll know all about that one). Apologies if anything I've said sounded patronising).

Orangepearl · 08/09/2019 16:04

Have you ever cleaned a toilet though (in a relationship of course) Grin?

SeaEagleFeather · 08/09/2019 17:33

It kills me inside that I look back on life and see how much I was overlooked by trying to be a good, decent person in my 20s and 30s. I still aspire to that in my heart but part of me now just wants to turn my back on that. If you can't beat them, join them, and all that... and if that's clearly only to be expected of me, then (and I hate myself for saying it) why not?

Whom are you trying to be a good person for?

You make the decision for yourself what you want to be. Sometimes that costs.

Myriade · 08/09/2019 18:12

I don’t think it’s about being good FOR someone.
It’s about what we, as women, have learnt is a ‘nice’ behaviour, what good people do.
And it’s very different than what men learn.

I’m ashamed that it took me more than my 29s and 30s to learn that.
Im now working in the assumption that if it’s good enough fir a man, then it’s good enough for me.

I still don’t feel that men respect me though.

PicsInRed · 08/09/2019 18:37

You be decent to be decent, not to be paid in sex.

If you expect sex in exchange for decency and feel resentful that sex didn't materialise in transactional reward for said "decency", then it's not decency. It's cynical sex seeking manipulation.

Nice guys are decent to all women without expecting sex as reward. These men are decent.

'Nice-guys' play act what they think is nice only for attractive women (or in view of attractive women) and expect sexual reward for their profound sacrifice. These men are NOT decent.

HTH.

Orangepearl · 08/09/2019 18:46

So right pics. You can tell they weren’t decent when they suddenly turn nasty when sex is off the menu.

gorrisandhorace · 08/09/2019 18:54

Too true pics

Youcanstay · 09/09/2019 08:32

I don’t know.
Personally, i lost all hope a long time ago.

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