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Original poster

Are there any truly decent men out there?

318 replies

LemonFritz · 02/09/2019 13:25

I thought I had an amazing husband, minor flaws and human, but wonderful. Turns out he is not.

Are there any truly decent men out there who are considerate, genuinely view women as equals in all ways and are not porn addicts?

OP posts:
fandabbyfannyflutters · 02/09/2019 18:39

I'm not saying anyone's man must be an arsehole because they all are just that they in my opinion all have the potential to be and I believe just like someone else said if there was opportunity most if not all would take it

SistersOfMerci · 02/09/2019 18:40

StormBaby you've hit the nail on the head.

Those of us who've already been in shit relationships and look inwards and understand the patterns of behaviour we've fallen in to, can indeed learn to spot a wrong'un when we change our patterns.

Does that actually make any sense? Grin

Jesaminecollins · 02/09/2019 18:40

Not many about in the UK - we need to look abroad to somewhere like France or Italy

fandabbyfannyflutters · 02/09/2019 18:45

Shame the wanker men don't seem to be looking inwards and changing themselves

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 18:50

But @StormBaby
Serious question.
No offence intended ok....
You said your current partner had a history of a really acrimonious relationship.
You (and presumably him) say his ex lives in a fantasy land. You say he’s been accused of violence. But you’ve chosen not to believe that.
You are only four years in. I was in a relationship with those same flags and it took twenty years for the violence to appear. When it did I couldn’t believe my own naïvety at believing his stories of the psycho ex, ignoring the accusations she made about him. To everybody, and to me, he was the PERFECT man for all those twenty years.
So the fact your man has this history would be a massive red flag for me. It wouldn’t get a first date.
Am I cynical or are you naïve?
Serious question.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 02/09/2019 18:51

I've met a couple. I think they're the minority though.

My circle is mainly women so I'm probably a bit biased. But I look at how amazing they are and how much they accomplish (working full time along with doing the vast majority of house work and child rearing) while their partners take a back seat.

I think we're going through a transition where the traditional gender roles (men at work, women at home) are changing quickly and men are being slow to catch up.

I think that as women as a collective we should all raise the bar of our standards and be uncompromising about it and men would have to rise to meet them.

I think this is already happening to be honest, just slowly!

AMAM8916 · 02/09/2019 18:51

Yes there is. A lot are good deep down and always show it, some are good and make mistakes and some are just total wrong uns. The same can be said for women

Orangepearl · 02/09/2019 18:51

I’ve not gone out with them! This is a lifetime of observation and offers!

minmooch · 02/09/2019 18:53

I've got one! Met in our early 50's and both been married twice before so we know a good thing when we find it.

He makes me laugh every day, tells me and shows me how much he loves me often, is passionate about his family, his kids, his work, our dogs. Loves my son, is respectful of the traumas in my life that he doesn't understand. He wants to make my life, our life better. He brings out the best in me and I hope I do the same for him.

He's certainly not perfect though. We met in our local pub when neither of us were looking.

My first ex husband was not good for me. However he has remarried and I am very good friends 'now with both him and his wife. We didn't bring out the best in each other. He is a much nicer person now and I put that down to life experiences, wisdom, hindsight and finding the right woman for him.

Plenty of nasty men and women around though.

mydogisthebest · 02/09/2019 19:06

@fandabbyfannyflutters sorry but I don't believe that most if not all men would take the opportunity if offered.

There are plenty of decent men. My dad is a very decent man, my brother in law is too.

My DH is not perfect (who is) but is one of the kindest people I know. He is always helping others out - my family, friends, neighbours. He is hard working - he will work all day and then come home and carry on with the renovations on our house. He will also offer to cook even though I don't work.

He has a great sense of humour and makes me laugh all the time. He is my best friend and I love spending time with him.

We have been married 40 years so, yes, we have been through rough times and I think that is more than long enough to know someone

Blushingm · 02/09/2019 19:07

Not met one yet!

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 19:07

@mydogisthebest yours does sound like a good one !

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 02/09/2019 19:07

I do find threads like this amusing. I see the same thing among men sometimes. They will sit and moan about how awful women are, and make clear that they have no respect or even liking for women. And then in the next breath, moan that they can't find a decent woman. Um...guys....think it through... 🙄

mindutopia · 02/09/2019 19:08

Yes, of course, there are, but I suspect they get snapped up quickly. My dh is lovely. But I met him when he was 21 (we are mid/late 30s now). I suspect he wouldn’t have stayed single for long. I was his first truly serious relationship. We have a happy very egalitarian relationship with him doing his share of the housework and parenting while I have a career that requires a lot of travel and long hours (even though he technically is the higher earner, he still does the school run 3 days out of 5). Not everyone is a selfish asshole. The ones still around in their 30s and 40s though, yes, probably something wrong with them.

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 19:10

Well @slightlymisplacedsingledad you’re probably right. But I’ve been scarred by experience sadly!

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 19:12

Also
If you’ve found a real nice one
Has he passed his mid forties yet?
Because there’s something that happens to them then, and it isn’t good Confused

SistersOfMerci · 02/09/2019 19:16

gorris I met mine in his early 40's, he's mid 50's now and he's been fine. No midlife crisis type crap here other than pretending he knows what he's doing trying to cultivate the lawn.

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 19:19

That sounds alright @sistersofmerci.
I guess if you’d have known him in his twenties though and he was a wild rocker , and THEN he starts fannying on with the lawn it might be a bit of a deflation . But since you missed that bit there’s no disappointment. So this might be the good way. Meet them later in lifeGrin

ILikeyourHairyHands · 02/09/2019 19:23

We're both motoring through them as we speak Gorris, all seems well thus far!

StormBaby · 02/09/2019 19:24

@gorrisandhorace there were no stories of the psycho ex from him really, he fully admits he was an arsehole and they bought out the worst in each other and he was glad she cheated so he could finally move on. Its her/their children and what they've witnessed and talked about openly that made me believe him to be honest. The poor children think its normal to behave like that now, sadly. Sad

I think everybody is capable of change, sometimes for the worst sadly, like in your exs case. My ex husband changed the day we got married, 7 years in,. It happens.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 02/09/2019 19:26

Yeah, I totally get being scarred by experience @gorrisandhorace. And I've been there too - who hasn't?

But I think when you start projecting that onto everybody of the opposite sex, then it means you've got a bit of work to do on yourself. That's why I stayed single for a vey long time after my abusive marriage ended - I needed to work on my own stuff, and get to a healthy place before I could even think of meeting anyone else.

But, it really shouldn't come as a surprise to anybofy that if you harbour sexist attitudes and a dislike of the opposite sex, you're going to put off anybody even halfway decent. If I were to meet anybody who espoused the kind of views about men that so many people on here do, I'd regard it as a huge red flag, and I'd be off.

Tweetingmagpie · 02/09/2019 19:27

I have one, but I’ve had more than my fair share of men over the years and he’s the only one that matches that criteria, so I’m guessing they are thin on the ground!

Tweetingmagpie · 02/09/2019 19:30

Also I think it’s worth keeping in mind that people can be different when they meet “the one”, I am quite a distant, uninterested and selfish person when it comes to past relationships but there is something about dh that means I am the opposite of that with him, I just love him so much and he is truly my best friend and I also still fancy the pants off him Smile

Bourbonbiccy · 02/09/2019 19:41

Yes there are, my husband being one of them,
our best man being another,
my brother added to the list,
one of my best friends,
my ex being another,
my grandad was a true gent,
my dad however is questionable.
But yes there are plenty out there.

fandabbyfannyflutters · 02/09/2019 19:59

I think a lot of women are very naive as to how men can change when their head gets turned. The mild mannered caring husband and father turns into a spiteful self centred child. Who would rather their wife and kids suffer to put his own needs first. They can completely change and become a person you never knew