Are there any truly decent men out there?

[LemonFritz]

I thought I had an amazing husband, minor flaws and human, but wonderful. Turns out he is not.

Are there any truly decent men out there who are considerate, genuinely view women as equals in all ways and are not porn addicts?

There are, but I don't think they're easy to come by! Most my friends "d"hs are complete assholes for a variety of reasons. It actually worries me, having 2 girls myself, that (assuming they want to seek hetrosexual relationships when older) that they will struggle to find a decent man, as they are so far and few between, and I find it hard to believe they'll find someone as brilliant as their own father, my dh. Hopefully they'll set their own bars high, having seen what a true decent man is like in their father. Pray they don't settle for one of the many substandard manchildren like most of my friends have ended up lumbered with.

There must be, but so, so very very many are "good, decent, kind" men who everyone who knows them vouches that they are just kind, amazing, would "NEVER" do anything/be into anything untoward...and then it turns out he's either shagging Sandy from Accounts, or hooking up with Dave on Grindr, or is addicted to hookers, or banging around multiple women for years...Have seen it happen too many times, to too many women over the decades that I don't have so much faith in them anymore. Some do seem genuinely kind and lovely and gentle...but who knows.

And have also seen the women get blamed "Well, you must've known/you've just picked the wrong ones" etc.

The real question is 'are there any decent men who I am attracted too'? I know a couple of decent male friends who have never had a proper relationship as the women they fancy never fancy them.

Maybe there are, but they'd never even talk to me, let alone date me as I'm a size 14 with average looks. I watch men fall over themselves being kind, funny and respectful to my beautiful friends. Then be rude to me, if they even acknowledge my existence at all (rare). And these guys are no lookers themselves.

So in summary, no.

Yes there are. My DH for one.

My best friend is also lovely, but comes across as a bit aloof initially because he is shy, but is wonderful and so caring and loyal when people get to know him. Unfortunately most women won't give him the time of day because they think he's 'a bit odd' so he's been single for over 3 years. Wish I could match him up with someone.

They are but they usually arent your typical 'lookers'. Sounds awful but I dont know how else to say it.

My DH isnt "conventionally" attractive but hes the most wonderful human being & his kind, respectful, and just generally decent personality makes him extremely attractive in my eyes!

The real question is 'are there any decent men who I am attracted too'? I know a couple of decent male friends who have never had a proper relationship as the women they fancy never fancy them

This...

I've always liked to think i was decent but it never got me far...

And reading this thread, why now would I want to make myself available to anyone knowing that somehow or other I wouldnt make the grade?

Out of curiosity - how many of you who have such negative attitudes towards men are raising, or have raised, sons?

Given how little you like or respect men, how do you hide those attitudes from your sons? Do you believe that your sons are also incapable of being decent men?

It's the same question I ask to misogynist men who are raising daughters. It really concerns me when either fathers or mothers have such hostile attitudes towards the opposite sex, while raising children of that sex. It's hard see how those negative attitudes wouldn't rub off on children.

Unfortunately most women won't give him the time of day because they think he's 'a bit odd' so he's been single for over 3 years

This was why my XP hadn't dated - he'd had one girlfriend in the past 30 years, which lasted eight months. He had undiagnosed ASD which meant some of his behaviours were regarded as 'odd'. They weren't the deal breakers for me, I found his oddness endearing. It was his general lack of education and interest in anything except cars that ended it for me.

I had no hostile attitude. I had the husband everyone envies. He presented as the perfect gentleman from the moment we met aged 15. Turns out he is a misogynist and the father to my daughter 😞.

We are not split yet. He is planning therapy and making changes, however, he has spent so many years infecting his mind and not communicating anything he is disgruntled about with me that I think he has grown disdain for me as I’ve grown love for him.

I feel like all of his current efforts are because he can’t live without his children. I don’t think he loves me like a wife anymore and has treated my as an object and inconvenience in his mind. He would not stand the social shame of a divorce either.

StormcloakNord I think you're right about not being conventional "lookers" too. I'd say that's true of most of the really lovely blokes I know. I wasn't attracted to my DH based on his looks (I asked him out as a dare!) But the attraction grew when I realised what a kind and wonderful person he was. I thought my now best friend was a bit of a weirdo when we met through a mutual hobby and would never have thought we'd end up friends but we started chatting over messenger about our hobby and now chat online and in person about everything and I feel embarrassed about making judgements about his personality based on my first impressions of him. Basically, there are lots of lovely guys if you look below the surface at the ones you might initially be inclined to write off.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad

Fear and wariness of men following a lifetime of horrifying experience as a political and economic minority (women) is entirely different to misogyny, which is an ingrained hatred of women. Not fear, hatred. And by the dominant political and financial entity that is men.

The question you should be asking is "how do women have so much bottomless resilience to be able, repeatedly, to risk their health and lives on the unknown quantities that are new male partners amongst a backdrop of domestic violence, including rape and murder? And through all this, how do they retain so much eternal hope that that spend their lives loving, caring and raising their very beloved sons of those same men?"

I have sons. They will be raised completely different to their father/men of days gone by. There will be no women's work. There will be no men's jobs. Women will be entitled to look as pretty/plain as THEY wish not be as society expects. My sons will be made to pull their weight and look after themselves not wait for someone else to do it for them

I haven't met many decent men.

Something I've noticed though is that the ones that have been decent (as far as I could tell) had a major flaw, a common example was shit with money. I don't care how much a man earns but I do care if he can't manage his money, that would have repercussions for me later down the line.

I honestly think I (and most women) have to make massive compromises to be in a relationship even with a 'decent' man eg. Ignore that he's rubbish with money, ignore that he has poor time management and is always hours late, ignore the horrible friends he associates with etc. I'm not sure the compromise is worth it.

I dint know if there are any decent men out there. I haven’t found one yet.
And the older I get, the more I realise whats going on, and the higher my expectations are.
At some point in my life, I would have been happy with the list @gorrisandhorace made. Not anymore. I would expect someone who is truly respecting me, for who I am. And my experience is that said respect only exists on the surface and when things get harder, men go back to the disrespectful ‘I’m better than you and you dint matter as much than I do’ line.

Main difficulty: I have two boys and I’m totally unsure I have managed to do better.....

futuremrsconnor85, SugarMiceInTheRain & StormcloakNord have hit a significant nail on the head, I think.

It's often said "the good ones are snapped up quick" but I'm not sure that's true. My experience of threads on here seems to suggest emotional unavailability, narcissism, lovebombing and playing the sad sausage are far more attractive qualities - not conciouslessly, but certainly they seem to press peoples buttons, far more than being kind, intelligent or empathic. That, or we convince ourselves that the person we're attracted to is "kind" because they tell us we're wonderful all the time as opposed to actually treating people in a kindly manner.

Good people, I think, don't make as an immediate an impact or seem as desperately appealing because they have the moral fibre not to play mind games or lovebomb you. They're likely to doubt themselves a little (as any healthy person should) rather than present themselves as someone with incredible self-confidence.

In the case of men, they are also more likely to be under 6ft and not good-looking because...

a) the average man is under 6ft and not good-looking, meaning the law of averages means its likely and
b) being neither of the above means said men have taken knocks and learned to be realistic and less entitled about life. Often the reason they're "good" is because they've become so through experience.

And reading this thread, why now would I want to make myself available to anyone knowing that somehow or other I wouldnt make the grade?

This is another factor, especially with OLD. There's a very real belief amongst men now - especially the apps - that its a playground for the good-looking guys and/or love-bombing charmers who treat it as a virtual harem.

Why bother when, quite frankly, you stand as good odds of getting a response from someone in real life? At least then, they can meet you in person and get a real sense of who you are. Plus you don't have to suffer the agony of getting no responses (and having to pay for the privilege! :-p)

@1300cakes

Maybe there are, but they'd never even talk to me, let alone date me as I'm a size 14 with average looks. I watch men fall over themselves being kind, funny and respectful to my beautiful friends. Then be rude to me, if they even acknowledge my existence at all (rare). And these guys are no lookers themselves.

On the bright side, these men who are after your friends aren't nice blokes, and you've avoided them. Being rude or ignoring someone because they're not classically beautiful has to be a red flag.

In my experience when under 30 both women and men tend to want to go out /get with someone that all your friends fancy or admire , after that age other factors come much more into play and after 45 I think many don’t give a shit what your friends think

Hmmm
@user1479305498
I think that’s probably quite true

Alot of men are shit I'm afraid. I spent a time on twitter with let's say a profile that appeals too many men and they were all animals.

Manly men not many

@thecatsarecrazy what do you mean?

"Manly" men?

TBH, speaking as a bloke, any man who feels the need to prove he's "manly" usually has issues...