Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are there any truly decent men out there?

318 replies

LemonFritz · 02/09/2019 13:25

I thought I had an amazing husband, minor flaws and human, but wonderful. Turns out he is not.

Are there any truly decent men out there who are considerate, genuinely view women as equals in all ways and are not porn addicts?

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 02/09/2019 17:27

My husband is. But some other people call him boring and he will probably never earn more than minimum wage as he isn't that ambitious. But since I have been diagnosed with a chronic condition he does almost all housework, works full time and looks after me on days when I can't manage. He is also very clever, sweet and kind. But he says himself a lot of women wouldn't date him back then because he was living with his mother, didn't earn much and mostly likes being at home. I have seen threads on here where any of those three things would have been deal breakers for some women.

I think a lot of men who are decent are probably already married, or may seem at first to have a deal breaker so it never gets to the serious stage. Plus online dating does seem to bring out the jaded, cheaters or player types, so easy to become disillusioned.

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 17:27

4 years is nothing.
Come back in ten !

Spanielmadness · 02/09/2019 17:27

I didn’t think so until I met my DP. My advice is stay off the dating sites - they’re full of men churning through dates. Get out and do things. I met my DP socially and we were friends first.
I’m very lucky that he wasn’t snapped up. He’s mid 40’s with a good job, own home, no kids, generous, fun and dotes on me. He isn’t an Adonis and has no interest in fashion or popular culture so he is easily dismissed as being an eligible man. I’m so glad I could see his inner loveliness and now he’s all mine!

JumpersForGoalposts · 02/09/2019 17:28

Depressing as it is to admit, I really don't think there are that many, certainly not that I've met - most seem to think they're God's gift and it's difficult to have a conversation with them about anything meaningful as they seem only able to have 'epic bantz' when they're not leering and letching, that is.

I find I prefer talking with women as you can generally have a much better and more interesting conversation than you can with (most) men.

I say all this (and I know I'm breaking Mumsnet rules here!) as a man myself.

Orangepearl · 02/09/2019 17:49

All the ones who think they’ve found one. I would say yes but has your relationship been tested, sickness, children over 10 years or more? Thats when you find out.

We all think them lovely within the first 5 years!

ILikeyourHairyHands · 02/09/2019 17:56

Well my DH is certainly one of the good ones (and I've met plenty of bad ones so know how to differentiate),

Doesn't use or like porn, finds it demeaning to women and harmful to men and relationships.

Isn't a blokey bloke, hates the male group-mentality and all that entails, he works in a very male-dominated environment and often pulls colleagues up on misogynistic view and behaviour, on a couple of occasions he's been on work trips and the group he's with have tried to get him to go to a strip club, he always declines, (and rings me for a chat on the way back to the hotel).

Solvent, hard-working high-earner, has no interest in controlling anything to do with money, all decisions are joint and we both have equal access to all family money.

Intelligent, funny, great company.

Happy for me to peruse whatever I want to.

Engaged as a father, always did 50:50 with the children from birth.

Gets on with stuff around the house, cleaned all the kitchen cupboards out yesterday because he saw it needed doing.

Completely respectful around sex, understands boundaries, an excellent lover to boot!

Doesn't oggle women, would never be unfaithful, he's extremely commited to our partnership.

I don't know what his mum would have been like as a MIL, unfortunately she died when he was 14, but his grandmother who took him in (absent, feckless father), was warm, welcoming, wonderful and fierce!

He's also super-sexy and handsome!

I often praise the fates that I went to the pub by myself when I was pissed off and low 15 years ago.

My first-ever boyfriend was also an absolutely lovely guy, we're still friends, I was just far too young to settle down.

Don't give up hope if you want a man in your life, there are some bloody good ones. I'm sure DH, though unusual, is not entirely singular.

And don't settle for a dick-head!

Blueandredandblue · 02/09/2019 17:59

I've met one, but that's it. He's not mine, don't think he can ever be.

Ow I compare every man I meet to him. No hope

ILikeyourHairyHands · 02/09/2019 18:00

And yes Orange, we have children (one with SN) and periods where everything has gone to shit, we've been together 15 years and are very much a team when our backs are against the wall.

Blueandredandblue · 02/09/2019 18:02

And honestly not just decent. But shared sense of humour. That kind of rare thing when you just click. Makes me sad sometimes

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 18:05

Oh @Blueandredandblue that’s sad. How come?

fandabbyfannyflutters · 02/09/2019 18:19

I think those who think they have a good one have a man who is good at covering their tracks. Or keeping schtum. Some of the biggest cheating Pervy arseholes I know are the ones who's wives/girlfriends think the sunshine's out their backside. I've seen it that many times this year alone I am no longer shocked

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 18:20

@fandabbyfannyflutters
It’s terrible but I 100% agree .
Same here.

Hopoindown31 · 02/09/2019 18:22

Of course there are. Every woman here has nowhere near a statistically relevant sample of the male population either way anyway. If you are constantly surround by shitty men, perhaps you need to think a bit harder than "all men are like that".

ILikeyourHairyHands · 02/09/2019 18:24

I don't think the sun shines of of DH's backside Fandabby, he likes really shit techno for a start.

But I do know that he's not a cheating letch, I've been out with cheating letches, I know cheating letches, I can spot a cheating letch.

DH just isn't like that. He has integrity, not pretend integrity to cover his tracks.

I had a pretty cynical view of men, still do in many respects, but DH just isn't that kind of person

MotherofDogs3 · 02/09/2019 18:25

Yes but hes mine ;) I thought like this for a long time due to being in a 7 year relationship with a vile ex.. Been with my new partner nearly 4 years and getting married next year. I will never trust anyone 100% but i can honestly say i trust him 99% lol i know its hard to believe right now but there really is decent guys out there who will be faithful, respect, love and treat u the way u should be treated. Sometimes these guys are the guys u least expect them to be. So dont write anyone off who u think isnt necessarily ur usual type.

gorrisandhorace · 02/09/2019 18:25

Mmm @Hopoindown31 I didn’t think ANY men I knew were ‘like that’
But after my husband turned out to be a real piece of work after twenty years and his mask suddenly slipped, and I found myself single, I suddenly started to see that in fact I was surrounded by men ‘like that’.
Actually I couldn’t find one who wasn’t ‘like that’.
If one could prove me wrong I’d be overjoyed.

fandabbyfannyflutters · 02/09/2019 18:26

Everyone says that though.
And the several women I know this year alone who have been completely blindsided when their dh/dp has left them/they've found out they've cheated also thought that

fandabbyfannyflutters · 02/09/2019 18:28

I never thought my uncle was like that. One of my best friends. My friends husband of 15 years. My colleagues husband of 30 years. My ex employee. A guy I met who turned out to be married yet is sooooo loved up with his wife according to social media

SistersOfMerci · 02/09/2019 18:30

Fandabby I most certainly don't think the sun shines out of my husband's arse and I never describe him as amazing, he's boring and ordinary just like I am, and that's why we work.

He most certainly can be an arsehole sometimes and so can I. But he's supportive, expects nothing from me other than normal married life, he likes culture, is not bothered about fashion or keeping up with the Joneses and these are all qualities we have in common.

He is crap at gardening, diy and decorating and he's unbelievably untidy and doesn't notice mess which does drive me nuts at times. But because he's generous both with time and listening to me having a moan as well as financially but we're both financially savvy So I can overlook these niggles because he is a good man.

Hopoindown31 · 02/09/2019 18:31

@gorrisandhorace you are talking to a divorced woman whose exh had a long affair behind my back so I'm not some naive young girl who hasn't experienced shitty men. There are decent men out there just as there are shitty ones.

Orangepearl · 02/09/2019 18:31

I haven’t surrounded myself with shitty men just come in to unfortunate contact with them through work and kids dads.

Orangepearl · 02/09/2019 18:31

(Married ones)

ILikeyourHairyHands · 02/09/2019 18:33

I know people who've been blindsided by infidelity Fandabby, on each occasion it hasn't suprised me in the slightest, because it was patently obvious they were partnered with dick-heads (they thought the sun shone out of their arses though).

I'm an intelligent woman, Im 45, DH is my second husband, I've been round the block a few times and I know a fucking arsehole when I see one.

DH is most empatically not an arsehole.

managedmis · 02/09/2019 18:34

I've not met many

StormBaby · 02/09/2019 18:36

I agree @Hopoindown31, I'm not exactly niaive. I was in a 12 year marriage previously with a total narcissist, then a 3 year one with a cheating loser who had nothing going for him, total waste of time, so I'm well aware that there are wankers out there. I met 'the one' when I started recognising a pattern in myself, and changed what I was projecting in to the world. I absolutely will not tolerate any bullshit now.