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Original poster

What would you do? 35, want marriage and a family and he’s great but...

174 replies

Whattododots · 31/08/2019 21:01

I don’t fancy him.

We dated for 6 months last year. I ended it as I wasn’t sure I had proper fancying feelings, although I loved chatting with him and we had a lot in common.

He’s got back in touch and the conversation is great still. He wants to give it another go. I really want a family and to settle down and to be honest he is completely on the same page as me where that’s concerned. Of course I don’t know him THAT well and further dating could end up that it goes nowhere.

But would you date this man again? Can I be with someone I don’t fully fancy? Do people do that?

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 31/08/2019 21:06

Have you had sex and can you imagine having sex with him again?
If yes - a few more dates won’t hurt.
Sadly - you are smack in the worst age for dating, especially because you want a family and kids. And many women in your age bracket are similar and are on a timetable. That turns off many men.
Unfair but true....
So - if he is a rare man on a same page as you - give it another try? Nothing to lose by seeing if anything changed.

SVRT19674 · 31/08/2019 21:19

You are settling. Don't go there.

MMmomDD · 31/08/2019 21:39

I find it that it’s easy to say - ‘don’t settle’ - if you are past that stage - have a couple of kids and a H....
And I have a few friends who kept hoping to find that ‘ideal’ spark, that soulmate, that .... And ended up regretting not being more pragmatic and realistic at the time.
Truth is - finding the Great Love might or might not happen around the time when you are still fertile.
That Great Love might end up being a terrible husband.
And it’s possible to fall out of love...

Yes - there are lucky people out there who managed to find a partner that they can live a day/day life with; and who gives them butterflies even after years.
Many people aren’t that lucky....
So - a certain amount of ‘settling’ is normal and many go that way.
But it needs to be still someone who you like and have chemistry with. Even if he isn’t your Romeo and you aren’t prepared to die for him - you can still have a good life and good marriage with.

AfterSchoolWorry · 31/08/2019 21:49

To be honest, I'd bang out 2 kids with him. Stay for 10 years and then move on.

People talk a load of shite about 'sterling' but reality is, there is a time limit on having kids, but none on finding a life partner.

Mr Decent is good enough. Choice isn't great when you're a woman in your mid/late thirties.

Later on you can find love. And so can he.

I left a relationship in my mid thirties and know what I'm talking about. The available men were dire, available for a reason.

I ended up dating a man in his twenties, the dating pool was so bad for my own age group. luckily I had dc with him.

But if I was faced with the choice again of waiting for Mr perfect or having kids with Mr Decent, I would choose the kids. And find love later.

AfterSchoolWorry · 31/08/2019 21:53

People talk a load of shite about settling but reality is, there is a time limit on having kids, but none on finding a life partner.

80sMum · 31/08/2019 22:01

@MMmomDD has it spot on, imo.

TheDarkPassenger · 31/08/2019 22:12

I was in a relationship for 5 years where I didn’t fancy him. It was horrific :(

Don’t do it

Poochandmutt · 31/08/2019 22:14

Give it another go ,or you will always wonder ..what if

madcatladyforever · 31/08/2019 22:16

You are better off having kids by donor than settling for someone you don't really care about. Some of my friends have done it and are much happier.

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 22:18

Depends. If the sex is totally awful, no.

ZiggyB · 31/08/2019 22:18

I think trying for a baby will be horrific with someone you don’t fancy. Rather go to a sperm bank and find a husband later.

ISmellBabies · 31/08/2019 22:18

No, at 35 you don't have the time to waste on him, don't even think about it.

joystir59 · 31/08/2019 22:20

What is so overwhelmingly wonderful about having children that would make you settle for someone you don't even fancy? Just get on with your life.

MoederVanEen · 31/08/2019 22:22

Are you attracted to him in other ways?

Do you have chemistry?

Are you compatible?

If yes to all 3 then go for it! Physical attraction is really not that important in the long run!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 31/08/2019 22:24

Those early years with babies and toddlers are brutal. It shreds you, stresses your relationship to the bone. If you aren't deeply committed I don't think your relationship stands a chance.

DH and I adored each other. That's how we navigated the challenges of parenting. That's what made it so endorsing.

I strongly believe that if you settle you're ripping yourself (or him, or both of you) off. Please don't do it.

NewMe2019 · 31/08/2019 22:27

I wouldn't. I had DCs with someone who I wasn't 100% sure about all of the time. I know I settled and I feel bad for him that I did so. I didn't initially fancy him then dis that thing where I liked him because he liked me, which didn't last long, but then I felt stuck and we were together for many many years, in an ok but slightly crap marriage with zero intimacy because I couldn't bring myself to have sex with someone I didn't fancy.

We split and I broke his heart. I'm now with someone who I fancied the arse off straight away and it's just amazing. I'd never settle again.

ZiggyB · 31/08/2019 22:52

Listen to NewMe

Original poster
Whattododots · 31/08/2019 23:09

We have had sex and it was good. Except oral which he was NOT good at.

He’s a nice man though and we would have a comfortable life. He loves his job and would be happy for me to stay home with kids. He’s very family orientated and easy going.

I fancy parts of him, his conversation, his approach to life, his sense of humour. I just don’t want to grab him and shag him.

OP posts:
Wurzelsnewhead · 31/08/2019 23:09

Yes, plenty of people marry others who are a good fit but who they don’t fancy, it’s called an arranged marriage. Works for many who find they fall in love or are content with companionship a few years down the line.
On the other hand, the lack of spark / chemistry may eat away at you once you have what you want (children), then what do you do, leave an otherwise content marriage and end up seeing your kids part time or hack it out until they leave home ? Nah I’d leave it as friends and find someone you have a spark with.

WinterHare · 31/08/2019 23:11

I think you need to look deeper into why you want a marriage and a family?

Is it societal pressure? Trying to conform to a perceived norm?

Either of those things with someone you don't love/fancy is not going to easy and seems pointless? You've only got one life, don't live a lie and ruin this guy's life and any potential kid's lives. You never know what turns life takes and could end up trapped.

Original poster
Whattododots · 31/08/2019 23:12

I want marriage and a family because I want it not because I feel I should!

I don’t want to raise a child alone. This man would be a good dad.

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 31/08/2019 23:13

To be honest, I'd bang out 2 kids with him. Stay for 10 years and then move on.
Who says romance is dead?Grin

BrittleJoys · 31/08/2019 23:14

If you do decide to have children with him, don’t stay at home. If, as seems possible, the marriage does not last longterm, you’d be crazy to deskill and take significant time out of your career.

Wurzelsnewhead · 31/08/2019 23:23

A good dad? What about you in all of this, once you have kids you won’t have much else other than a good friend you feel obliged to sleep with.

Misskg1982 · 31/08/2019 23:34

I could of wrote your message a few years back, except at the time I was alittle younger (30)
He was my best friend, he had a thing for me for years but I was preoccupied with other men. Anyways we eventually got round to giving it ago and I was in your spot, everything was great but... I didn't fancy him. I loved spending time with him and kept thinking in time it'll change but it didnt. I would often find myself looking at other men, flirting with other men when we or I was out so I knew I wasn't fully captured. I walked away.
I understand your feelings as for us women time surely does start to run out. But settling down with a guy that doesn't float your boat is recipe for disaster. Why would you want to create a family with a guy your not 100 with?
I'm now a mother of one and know how hard parenthood is on a relationship. I definitely feel reguardless of whether or not you think someone is a good parent, how you feel for that person plays a massive part. If you're already doubting your chemistry/lack of spark now, you'll definitely question your motives later on. If your relationship crumbles then your looking at a part time relationship with your kids and a divorce on your hands.
I personally would stay friends and keep looking for love.